When I read your posting in another thread concerning your bipolar son, I wanted to sharea small piece of information that may be of help.
I have a son on disability who has Asbergers, and having this disorder is totally incapable of making financial decisions with regards to personal associations. he has lost thousands over the last 4 years because of giving it to someone who knows his weakness.
Any attention at all is viewed by my son as friendship, no matter the intent of the one giving attention. Though this person has lied and lied to get the money, my son feels powerless to say no.
I applied to Social Security to become his payee, which required my son to agree, which he did because he knows he cannot handle the resonsibilty, thank God. If not for that i would have had to file for gaurdianship which would have given me the authority; but that would have taken approx 2,000.00.
Since being his payee I have been able to allocate money where it needs to go for his best welfare.
Once in a while I entrust him with money to see if he has grown to a place where he can handle it, but within 24 hrs this person finds out about it and its gone.
My son has gotten to the point where wants to take this person to court, so he is progressing.
I am hoping something in my experience may be able to help with your situation.
Much appreciation and love to you for reaching out to others in the midst of your trials in a loving way.
THANK YOU for your advice. My son has always been unable to keep anything--even as a child long before his illness came to crisis--I just thought he was scatter brained. He seemed normal otherwise just imature. As if he needed a keeper. He loses everything and yes--he trusts everybody and friends who mostly have problems themselves take advantage of him. Any advice from me is considered an insult. Unfortunetly, my son receives disability for a severe physical disease and not bipolar. I will use that payee info though as a bargaining tool as right now he is no longer allowed to live in my house---he can visit when his children are here but I can no longer carry the burdon of his life on a regular basis as it will kill me. I had to start letting go of trying to save him as it was not working and was getting very toxic for me and has strained the whole family. He does have one good normal caring friend who has been there but I noticed the last few months even she has stepped back some---probably for the same reasons. Mental illness is very wearing on loved ones. I only have the energy to keep my husband on track so he can continue to work and live as normal as possible. I have no acess to my son's doctor and my son is still in denial about his "luck". He tends to blame others. Like most bipolars it's all or nothing--either they feel like everyone else is the problem or they are a complete mess and beg for help--stay in bed for days---any intervention is short lived as the system turns them loose in a couple days. Our society makes little room for helping the mentaly ill. They often just look too normal despite the destructive desicions they make. I'm hoping my letting go will allow him to hit bottom enough to allow true help. I know it can kill him but I can't let that fear cloud my head. I spent 4 years helping him get social security and raising his children part time. It has been a nightmare of bad medicaid doctors who give him way too many meds for his painfull disease. Medicaid only provided pain doctors--no specialest for his disease would even take medicaid--I could write a book on the injustices handed to the poor and infirm of our society. His care is better with medicare finally yet still impossible to cut through gov. red tape. I can not tell you how many times on medicaid I took him for emergency treatment for infections that could kill him because he takes autoimune meds that leave him defensless to infections but help his disease to slow damage to his his joints and skin---only to go to the pharmacy and have medicaid reject his medicine----medicaid has their own list of cheaper stuff to substitute even though the doctor disagrees. It's disgusting. He has drained our finances. I stopped feeding him when he got his first check but of course I have to feed his children---he runs out of money every month after two weeks. He begs--he promises and lies a lot. I no longer believe a thing he says and he feels offended. It's a challange to keep in my mind what is real. The mother is always the last to let go. It's been a year of trying it his way and nothings gotten better---many months ago I suggested he just give me part of his check each month the day it comes and I will insure groceries for his children. I like your suggestion----right now he is not allowed to stay in my home without paying us money upfront---I know he can't do that as now he's deep in the hole--he cannot handle buisness at all and owes IRS---always has some kind of legal fine compounding from the past--he has no drivers liscence because he gets tickets for dumb stuff--loses every liscence he gets---doesn't show up for simple things that turn into major things that could have been easily taken care of---everything snowballs for him.. I have excellent buisness smarts and being psychic see every pitfall coming but he tunes me out----only comes to me when it all crashes down. At some point I just had to say enough despite knowing he can't help himself . I will make the option for making me payee---if he begs to be let back into my home. He does have clarity days where he is aware of his illness and admitts he is mentally ill. He sees a psychiatrist but who knows what he tells him and he doesn't take his meds half the time. Meds are so essential and nobody takes them on their own one hundred percent. MY husband does well--but on occasion he goes manic and sure enough I find he's hidden a day or two of meds! They all do it. It's why they are mentaly ill. This last episode with him walking off with that money was the end for me. He was held up by gunpoint he says and feels it was not his fault----honestly does not get how crazy that is to walk around with such a large amount of cash. His reaction is that I have no concern that he was robbed. If I bring up that iif he put it in a savings like I begged it would not happen. Instead he told all his troubled friends and pretty much asked for it is how I see it. He has a bank account and loses every month his debit card and someone steals from his account untill he reports it. Last month he stopped direct deposit and the money comes all on a card--which he loses. He left owing the bank who now calls here everyday--I do not answer and know at some point he will have more legal problems that will come with extra fines and court expenses---these kinds of messes have been following him for at least ten years now. Dumb stuff. I live under the cloud of never knowing if the law will come to my door. Last year thankfully his son or daughter was not here when a detective came to my door and handcuffed him and took him to jail because the year before he was stopped as a passenger and the car was searched--my son had his meds on him without the label---the police said it was illegal but no big deal as long as he took the warning to the court house and showed his script. Simple enough but he just didn't follow up and assumed they forgot. Honestly? FORGOT? It took a year for the court to catch up end he did go to jail--I refused to bail him out for about five days. It ended up costing him fines and court costs and was dropped soon as he showed his script. Always there is big fines tacked onto these stupid things. I never know what dumb past mess will pop up. This man is not a child yet he is--he is 38! As if being bipolar wasn't enough he has a very seriouse painful disease and because he doesn't take care of himself--his symptoms are always worse. Like most bipolars--when he's manic he will binge on sugar---junk food and soda--no real food! Of course this upsets me as I'm so health conciese but have long stopped nagging him----just the negativity of his vibes make my house heavy with energy that drains me. Some things have no happy endings and at this point I give it up to God and choose my own heath and sanity. I've survived worse! BLESSINGS!
I think I would be in the loony bin myself if I had to deal with the tremendous pressure of a having a husband and son both having a bi-polar disorder.
I think my ex husband may well have it.Some of your description fits. Mental illness does run in his family. Like you mentioned...nothing you say sometimes makes any difference at all- like throwing water on an oil fire.
Physical pain and mental illness as well ... If he could for a moment be clear enough to understand when he recieves pain relief (not masked by drugs),...would something like accupuncture help alleviate the pain and reduce the medication? Then again- convincing him to go might be another matter.
Its probably a good thing I am not a mafia mom..lol..I would have thugs tie him down and and then attempt to treat him..lol.
May his eyes be opened that he can see that you protecting his finances will actually protect him and help him stabilize.
You are so good to look after his children, thank God they have someone stable in their lives. Does their mother appreciate you at all or try to help?
My son will be 30 in 2012.
Wishing you the best Blmoon. Placing you in a veil of white healing light and love in my mind, asking for a measure of peace and calm to restore itself in the surrounding energies of your space.
Hi patchlove and blmoon,
I was married for 25 yrs to a bi-polar w/schophrenic (?) and adhd man.......but neither one of us knew it at the time-not until about 5 yrs ago after he walked out on our son and me! He was NEVER happy and somehow decided that cocaine would make him happy......that was a very long road of addiction, women and other horrible things. We've been divorced for 5 yrs now and I'm pretty sure our son has it also. The entire family on his side have an addiction of some sort. Now we e-mail once in a while about our son but now he plays poker and it's always more important than talking to our son whose doesn't like his father very much at all. I NEVER want to be with another person in a relationship like that again. I feel bad for all involved. I wish you the best that life has to offer and I know how much it must hurt for it to be your child.
What a nice hug! Mental illness isolates us--one hesitates to share with others who don't know the reality--I rarely share the crazy stuff as untll you've been there you just can't comprehend.. Patch love---I so laughed? Mafia mom!!!! OH I get your drift--I grew up on the south side of Chicago---you know what rehab was there? Someone who loved you tied you to the plumbing in the bathroom--for real--untill you got clean. You get the chasm between my son and I----I am so much the fighter need be--even with myself. My patience is smart mouthed and no nonsense. And yes--I treat pain with alternative methods and hate doctors unless truelly needed--I believe in listening to our bodies and healing ourselves---knowing when we are being not so good to ourselves and using nutrition--supplements----lifestyle changes---cleaning up life--letting go of people who are toxic etc etc. He resists all this--I just say nothing which is not being honest with myself and you cannot do that without it manifesting. In my case--as an empath and psychic if I do not keep my boundries healthy my body will put up padding! I will gain weight--which is a comman complaint of females psychics--the band around the middle that buffers the solar plexis and middle chakras. Not good. My husband and I have that worked out--I have my own room and he never intrudes if I go there as he knows he has an illness--and he respects my need for sanctuary if needed. My husband is committed to treatment best he can. He will never be cured but he is not defined by bipolar---some very gifted people through history were bipolar (manic depressant) they have bad days but mostly good--it is a complete uncerteinty and takes caretakers around them to step in when needed. Despite his illness my husband has always worked in tecknology--he has a geniouse IQ. My son is still too young to surrender. My husband was not so cooportive either at that age--nobody wants to be labled "crazy". Plus the nature of bipolar when manic is a sense of supiriority--the Napoleon syndrome--they think they are speciall--this is like a high and why they miss that and skip meds--thinking oh just for a day--but that high feeling of being magical and superior escalates to frenzy and paranoia--they think they hear special messages---know secret things THEN after a day or more of no sleep it goes very dark---fearfulness---paranoid--everyone is the enemy--they can be angry--mean---dangerouse--violent by that stage. Every bipolar is different--some get more depressed than manic--some turn on themselves instead of others. Surprises--lots of surprises. And it is very much hereditary---more families have it than admit! BLESSINGS!
Hugs to you. I check in occasionally on this site just to see what my friends are doing. Over a year ago, you completed a reading for me on my relationship. I have been through many ups and downs. You provided me with great insight not only into my relationship but also in dealing with my fiance's mental illness. As I read, your description of your son's problems, I could have been reading about my fiance. I believe now that is why I was drawn to you. My fiance has started therapy (which he goes to begrudgingly) and medication. His moods are more stable and we are getting along better. His legal problems are passing. I believe that he realizes that he must always continue to take medications to be stable. This is a start. I still have to monitor his meds constantly because some days he just doesn't feel like taking them. He still has episodes of drinking and whatever else he does when he is away from home. Dealing with Bipolar disorder is very emotionally draining.
The decisions about setting boundaries in my relationship are difficult as I believe I am codependent in nature. I am working on this daily just to be happy for me and do things for me and my children. I fear that since he and I have 3 children together that I will continue to deal with this problem. You are a great example to me and have given me some excellent advise. I want to thank you once again. I continue to learn from you every time I read your posts. Many thanks, peace and blessings to you and your family in the New Year.
I'm amazed by your strength and courage. And what you have gone through and still go through on a daily basis. Think sometimes we don't realise that the ones who help us on this forum have struggles in their lives too, just as the rest of us do.
Now this is a tale I don't often tell..but I think you will understand...so here goes...
A few years ago I was in a serious relationship - he had borderline personality disorder and depression. I struggled with his rages and accusations, 'all of nothing' & 'everything is your fault' thinking. He threatened suicide, played push and pull with me, was physically abusive a few times, had delusions, and kicked me out of his apartment countless times. We broke up and made so many times... but we looked normal to his family, to his friends.
I suffered in silence and his mother was devastated when she found out towards the end how he'd been violent towards me. He went to therapy reluctantly, started to turn what he'd learnt against me and refused to take meds. He made me his whole world and couldn't bring himself to either work or go back to school. I spent all my free time with him and still got accused of not doing enough. I fell into depression and burnout trying to care for this adult and holding a demanding job. Had no doubt that I loved this man very much. But I was also co-dependent and I couldn't release the need to save him from himself.
I always thought he was the man I would marry and that somehow, together, we would work towards that. I didn't understand the fact that I didn't cause his illness and could not cure it. No matter how much I loved him, it would never be enough. He needed to take meds, and he wasn't going to.
Final nail in the coffin was when he confessed he'd slept around multiple times, when the whole time he had boasted that he was faithful. My whole world crashed around me. I saw that nothing would change, nothing would get better. I realise that so much of what we had might have been an illusion that I allowed myself to see. And I saw that I was pretty much alone in the relationship - trying to love and save someone who didn't want it.
I plunged into depression after our breakup and by the grace of God I survived and healed. And I learnt to put boundaries between us. That's easier now that we're not together. I told him I cannot meet up anymore but he will contact me to chat maybe once, twice a year. And thankfully he's moved on very well with his life and doing all the things he said he would do. It's like he was holding me back and I was holding him back as well. I was afraid he would kill himself or throw away his life when he's such a brilliant person and has so much to offer. Had I trusted him to his fate and know that God would be there for him - we would both have been spared so much pain.
In being with my ex, I was robbed of my instincts...I learnt not to trust myself or honor my boundaries. People don't realise how difficult it is to set boundaries around someone with a mental illness. From what you have written, I see that you're doing good on this. Much better than I ever could. It is an ongoing lesson to honor myself in all that I do. Must take care of oneself before you can love others or be there for them.
I have no idea how you got through taking care of both your husband and son. Or how you managed not to burn out. Am glad you're setting boundaries with your son, even though this is hard for you. He needs it as much as you do.
I have the utmost respect for people who are loving and caring for someone with a mental illness. I had to step away for my own sanity and to save myself - but I remain supportive of those whose path is to continue the fight.
And for those of us who have moved on - there really is light at the end of the tunnel.
Just yesterday, I affirmed to myself and friends that I am ready to love again. I have been ready for some time but I was running away from it. There is a man I love now but I don't know how he feels. I feel strongly about him and I thought we were doing very well. Slow and steady. But then he distanced himself. I think he did care for me deeply at one point, but has moved on or is afraid. I wish I knew for sure, and what to do about it. Should I tell him... keeps running through my mind. Or will there be another...
In this new year, I hope that you are blessed and receive much comfort and healing, for all the love that you give out. Happy New Year!
Thank you so much for your insight and support. I I learn so much here.
I have been fighting my weight for many years, and in the areas you mentioned. I always thought that maybe I enjoyed pregnancy so much I was subconsciously keeping the belly..lol.
I did love the feeling of my babies moving inside. Life within.
My son J went to his older brothers home with the help of my son's girlfriend?'s mother. She was instrumental in getting him there for a couple of days...he lives nextdoor to his father...my oldest son.J seemed sad at coming home..almost depressed that he had to leave. I understand it...and I know he needs more than what he has here.
In my mind he doesnt need meds,,he just needs companionship and a relationship with someone who truly cares for him. I dont how to committ to fully facilitate it..or where I should go to help him. in the companionship department. The internet is the sole source of outreach for him right now. Ultimately he has to do it himself..and I think he will once someone goes the distance to teach him how to go to a place physically where he can meet interact with others someone else who can understand him.. Getting him to that point-location seems to be the issue.he is too high functioning to be labeled severly mentally retarded...and he I dont believe he is...the organization where we have him listed as a client is for those types of mental illness. He is between functional as an adult and not.
Thank you for your love and time and willingness to share your experiences.
You are a strong woman.I can see why you are where you are, to help those souls and our souls through your experience.
Love and blessings, and thank you again.
Mine returned this week and instead of it giving him true insight the time out there trying to make it alone---and just getting into a bigger mess---he still finds blame based on denial. I dread conversations as his lack of insight is energy draining. He is an adult--very inteligent but cannot make it on his own YET he was born with a great need to be independant and by nature is a loner and hates trusting anyone with true intimacy so he is his own worst enemy. He is always in denial about the past--he sees what he wants and ignores what he doesn't like. I too think if he could just find that right woman but really the odds are not good as it stands---he is just too self destructive and all his relationships can not go on being his scapegoat----he blames others.Bipolars are very self absorbed and detached ---- I listened to his distorted thinking for ten minutes trying so hard to be peaceful then asked him--are you taking your meds--going to the doctor? He said he stopped his meds two weeks ago but hell get back on track and he didn't want to talk about it as he needed to not have any pressure or worries right now---in other words---back off---everythings fine. So as always--it is what it is and we can only do so much----we can't fix or control mental illness without their permission or cooperation. We can only protect ourselves and try try try not to take anything they do personal. Blessings to you as well!
Observing a tower of strength
I am reminded of the walls of jerusalem
and how attempts to undrmine the strength by digging below
You are watchful
for the tunneling
so aware and acutely so at times
What do you do to keep your sanity?
Angels alight and surround you
love wash upon your shores
advice to light a candle and become still in the moment
has proven helpful to myself
a light in the darkness if only for a short while
lol..just have to be careful not to focus on the flame itself for too long or I see flame where there is none
Have a lovely day Blmoon
LOVE IT LOVE IT!!! Very true! You are a poet. And the underlinng message is one we ALL work on. My distaction left again--soon as HIS food ran out and he realised the boundries changed and I was not arguing or relenting. . You laughed about focusing on the flame--said beware as you will see it everywhere it isn't---that is a very very wise message---I tell others that the law of energy is real and where you put your focus determines what grows in your life. GOOD AND BAD. That is my challage just as it is for others. You have to have boundries because if you get so sucked into anothers crazy---truth is you have to make time outs for yourself because seeing too much too long of the problem can actually attract more of that-a no win situation-- you get where that's all you see and no longer are present in your own life. You have a gift---you used a visual that has impact. Great line----I could write a poem off of that inspiration. Anything you focus on too long does become your whole world! BLESSINGS!
Thank you Thank you Thank you
Portraits of love
bring much joy here
How nice and warm and wonderful