Sick and tired of this Cancerian man's emotional roller coaster!!
I NEVER thought I would be in such a situation. I have been previously in a six-year relationship with someone (Sagittarius ) that went smooth sailing - we are the best of friends now. For the record, I am: Gem Sun, Scorp Moon, Can Venus, Taur Rising, Capri Mars, Gem Mercury. He is: Can Sun, Pis Moon, Vir Rising, Can Venus, Vir Mars, Can Mercury. We are both gay (with a considerable age difference - i am the younger one, age-wise, lol. He discovered himself late, has two kids from a previous heterosexual marriage). With this guy, the rollercoaster has been ongoing for 7-8 months now. For the record, I've been doing EXTENSIVE research on cancerian men. I never believed in astrology until I met him, because I found so many common themes between the various stories, so I decided to post. (Gemini's desire to rationalize otherwise irrational and insanely childish behavior). CANCERIAN MEN’S INPUT IS HIGHLY APPRECIATED.
Things were great at the beginning, we both hit it off brilliantly and were madly in love with each other - at least that's how it seemed like. I really thought he could be the one, caught myself fantasizing about the rest of our lives together...
Until he started freaking out. He started mentioning how he wants to move to another country and actively applied - I merely asked: "What will happen to us?" to which I got the answer: "We will cross that bridge when we get to it." I asked a few times mores and tried actively to find solutions that would be good for both of our careers, lives and would ensure we're together. He freaked out and asked for a 10-day break. On day three, after I discussed the matter with common friends I foolishly trusted, he decided to talk, and I broke things off (I put on the cool, logical Gemini hat), a decision I regret after two days or so, and began to beg him back.
We want back shortly, then broke up (he wasn't 'feeling it' anymore). He just dropped me out of the blue. I didn't give up and continued pursuing him. We got back together again, on the condition that I change and become the sweet person I was when we first met - he actually asked to be courted all over again because he couldnt trust me anymore. Then broke up (he wasn't happy and felt I was being an 'asshole') - basically asshole here means: asking him to delete his numerous profiles on gay sites, attending a party he urged me to go to (organized by my ex for a common friend of all three of us who was shortly in town). Shortly after that we got back together. I did court him and treated him like the princess he likes to act like. After a week he breaks up because he was still unhappy, was too hurt and in pain and so forth. I actually dragged the break up (text message I might also add) from him, and asked him: are we over for good? which he affirmatively confirmed. I needed closure, and so I dropped him and ceased all communication with him and all common friends. I moved on, applied to jobs abroad and met hot guys (all for like just one week - I wasn't over him completely and hoped for him to come back to his senses of course).
After a week, he comes up to me at 2:30 in the morning, tipsy and crying, apologizing, asking me to take him back. He was very sweet, and I felt that he understand why I asked for a break up, and he explained his irrational, erratic, childish, mean, hurtful, passive-aggressive, or sometimes aggressive-aggressive behavior. Some of these actions included:
Posting VERY private information on Facebook about myself, our relationship and his liaisons post break-up (mostly false accusations, lies - he is very delusional, and sees things in a completely morphed, far from reality way). This comes from somebody who claims to be VERY protective of his privacy.
Writing erratic information on his profiles on gay-dating sites (ranging from playing the victim, to being hurtful towards me, to spreading false rumors and generally being a repulsive person).
Contacting me with sweet messages, then accusing me of harassment if i reply!
Trashing me to every single individual he knows (we have MANY friends in common - even before we met). Humiliating me in public and insulting me.
In any case, I decided to forgive this, and the following traits (displayed in our relationship):
Generally indifferent (he was VERY sweet at first, demanding my love and affection - I was rather aloof and just really calm, he made me see the hidden emotional side I had - however this changed completely later).
What's good for the geese isn't good for the gander approach: he would put our lives on full display, while I wouldnt be allowed to even vent to my closest of friends.
Taking me for granted (waits for me to do everything, relies too much on me in house chores, being a partner, being romantic, etc.)
Being very detached in public (never appreciates me, or attributes ANYTHING positive, only mentions the bad, and passes off the negative side of me to people, also tries to pass himself as single, available, very flirtatious and was vulgar and slutty on these sites)
Always asking me to change, but requiring me to accept him as he is - uncompromising and unwilling to meet me halfway
Argumentative, refuses to admit he is wrong and always blames you (is also quick to point the finger) - no matter what, I am wrong, guilty, misleaded, i misinterpret him, do not understand him, etc.
Explosive over small details (with a really ugly temper - temper tantrums were three times a week almost)
Selfish: has money issues - very petty. Refuses to plan short, medium and long term, or plans on his own and doesn't include or involve me - from outings to vacations to relocation plans - how the hell am i supposed to plan my own life?!
Does not draw a line with HIS asshole friends, never holds my back, however is VERY disrespectful with my friends and actually tries to create a distance between them and I. To him, i am last on the priority list.
Emotionally abusive: name-calling me, manipulative, passive aggressive, uses stick approach
Very defensive, sees any criticism as an attack - actually, even compliments too, so generally I am wrong and i need to suffer the consequences as well (victim and culprit)
Very untrusting, private and unyielding (Facebook is the stage for his theatricals generally, exudes a feeeling of mistrust, constantly checking up on me, what I say, asking people around, talking to people, hiding the screen of his phone of me.
Claims one thing, but acts a totally other - also, is ALWAYS projecting his faults onto me, as if he hates himself.
Totally unpredictable, inconsistent (though is adamant that he is).
So, the bottom line is that he really drove me nuts. and i forgave all that (for the sake of the good times we had, and we really did have good times - of course I saw tiny facets of all the negatives, but i withstand for the sake of the relationship). I took him in one last time...we traveled, had fun and had good and bad times...
anyway, after two months (recently), he is still on gay dating sites and actively contacting others. I am 100 percent sure he is faithful, but he was pushing my buttons that day and eventually i blew up confronting him with how many common friends told me about his activity online. he got upset and defensive and just ended things, for the fourth time (i lost count really), oh and he dumped my things outside his flat, kicked me out in front of his friends for good measure. and since then, has been sending me all sorts of weird messages (on every medium possible), ranging from:
I thought i found the one, but alas, the quest continues.
Although 100 percent faithful, my ex called me a whore, i might as well live to the title.
I'm taking it one day at a time...
and much more...
I will NEVER contact him again. But expect that he might, and I don't think I can take another 2-month period of being together...so I just want to move on...but I just need closure. I cannot trust him with a single word and cannot even ask to speak…I just don’t understand what happened at all…I wish he would realize his faults and solve his issues and we’d just get back together…but there has been too much hurt, if I take him back again, it will only go through that vicious cycle. I am very sensitive, and I like stability and warmth…I have discovered that I am rather homey, that I want to build a life with someone, to nest and spend great times together and with friends and travel…but not with him it seems
Can anyone PLEASE explain what the hell was this idiot going through?! I need to understand that he is not pure evil, that there is hope in love, that he doesn't know better - I dont know, anything just to understand what exactly went on?
I was nothing but great with this guy - traveled for his birthday, met his kids, lavished him with kids, was planning on moving in, was supportive and available emotionally, physically, mentally, financially, i was extremely sweet, forgiving, understanding, transparent...I really loved this person from the bottom of my heart...and I refuse to believe (maybe I'm in denial) that he is as evil as he seems to be. But he really did so many numbers on me - my friends actually told me that they will ALL stop talking to me if I go back to him again. I feel broken, betrayed, torn, worthless, hopeless, and I gave up on love, humanity, I do not trust anyone, have erected huge impenetrable walls around my heart...
Wow is all I can say.. I cannot tell you what was going on there but thank goodness you got yourself out of that! Wow!!
All I can say to all of this....is WHEN WILL YOU RESPECT YOURSELF.... HE CAN'T BECAUSE YOU DON'T......
Get a grip... and stop over compensating.... You cannot ever win his love by this type of action.... Find out who you are... Know what you will or will not accept.... Stand your ground... and be prepared always to walk away... with you head held high...
Right now you are a booty call... doormat.... someone to play with... like a mouse
Where is your self-respect and/or self confidence in all of this..... You do... and you get ZERO in return from what I have read.
Read some books on the dynamics of men and women in relationship... Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus...... Why Men Love Bitches... and The Manual... to name a few.... They all say the same thing... in different ways.... They can also be very funny to read at times.
BTW.... I have been just out of my Cancer's reach for over 4 years...now.... I walk away from him in early 2008 due to his showing me disrespect..... I will not take him back with open arms... until he shows me he is ready for a real relationship.....
Until then.... my life goes on..as it always has.... I don't change for him... he needs to come to me...on a proper footing.and meet me halfway.... He choses to hide in his shell... Not my problem but his...imo His loss. as they say.
He still tries to play his BS games.... but doesn't get anywhere with me...
He know how I feel about him.... and he also knows I will not bend over for him either. I don't ever want to be a doormat, booty call or a play thing. Just saying
VOC ...Glad you have decided to just drop him .. yeah break free is the key to seek another direction probably more wonderful love waiting for you ahead.
Like my cancerguy he is very sweet in initially very attentive and patience wid me but after few yr down the road ..he is acting weird, can't open up, frustration, sulking and impatient and withdrawal.. Even he went for short trips he didn't inform me and made me like wander why he has disappear .. does he value me ? I think this is form of disrepect. Now i guard myself .. i do like him but no longer in love with him... i repeatedly telling him to get disappear from my sight as long as he can and ofcos i can play along.. now the 2nd he has not sms me which is good.
he's been sending weird messages...asking for his tupperware back (LOL)...wishing me a good year, etc. but i've fully withdrawn quite frankly..
Cancer signs, unhealthy ESP alcoholic cancers, thrive on drama and ruining a good thing.
He is the one that needs serious help with his mind, body and spirit.
I have been there with a cancer man. ( me, Virgo, female....he, cancer male)
He broke my heart refused to speak with me. I gave him all of me, when he said he loved me.
I still hope for him to come back.
I believe he ha years of hurt and pain locked inside, years of disgust with his own antics and mistakes made in the past. And because of this he festers with his alcohol addiction and destroys any love that comes his way, esp true love.
Your cancer man put you through torture for no good reason. He needs to grow up and comes to terms with his unnecessary drama acts. He needs to seek treatment for substance abuse and therapy for why he pushes love away and creates unnecessary problems in his relationships.
Meantime, work on you. If he comes back explain everything he did and let him know in a loving he needs help.
Myself, I will never go to my cancer man. He will have to come to me on his knees and do everything he can to fix himself and us. I will never give more than my share for any man ever again, bc it is fruitless and unhealthy for me to do. He must meet me half way and be equal including willing to do the proper work to sustain us. Also, his mom was instrumental in us parting and when she saw me perform recently she approached me with regret for her actions, even though she didn't say anything. I forgive her in my heart, but, she was wrong to meddle, she knows she was wrong. He on the other hand should have followed his true heart, but how can he when I'd diluted and deluded with alcohol.
And now, I am far more aware of crazies. NO MORE CRAZIES! Nip that on the bud as soon as the red flag shows.
Let me know what happens.
Typos from my iPad. His love is diluted and deluded from his alcohol abuse. He claimed to have wanted love and settle down. He had me and he threw it away with his over-reacting and needless drama, creating problems where there weren't any, just so he could feel something and make me feel his pain.
GROW UP I say! All cancer men with drama issues GROW UP! When love is in front of you take it and nurture it, after all it is everything you crave and desire and live for in your life.
I sympathize with you dear. Do not blame yourself for this, you gave him more than enough love and chances for this to work out. Unfortunately, most of the time it takes really getting close to a person to experience the deep troubles that our partners are consumed by. This Cancer man clearly has some serious issues that need tending to, and don't make the mistake of taking it personally. I'm sure you are a lovely human being, you just got caught in a rough situation.
Chin up, you're going to get past this.
UPDATE: well he spoke yesterday. asked that we speak to clear the air. i was hesitant at first, but softened up. he said i was the one, that I meant so much to him and that he cannot go on without me, that he wont give up without a fight...we discussed some of the issues we had and i really stood my ground and expressed most of the concerns i have (it would take a week to discuss all of the above, lol). I dont know. not expecting much really, but i'm willing to see where it goes. a part of me just grew numb and tired and the fighter in me just died really...
BTW: many words are censored it seems, which i do not like, such as g-a-y (a whole identity is censored? how immature and puritan is that?) s-e-x and oh well, i understand why the others were censored!
VOC - All I am going to say is be careful of that. Cancers do not like to be broken up with. They don't. And i cannot for 100% say if it is the person or the act. I think it can be both or more one than the other.
Here is my point, if you truly were the one...then why did you treat you like he did? That makes no sense to me. Even for a Cancer. BC when a cancer is in love, true love, they are different. They protect and nurture. They come alive in a way that is so opposite of what they portray most of the time.
i think what I am trying to say is, when a cancer goes after someone and it is real, you will know. It is like they cannot help but show their true feelings. Even when they are fighting against them. Does that make sense? I don't think they enjoy hurting people, I actually think the opposite. They just are so afraid to communicate their true feelings.
Eek. I don't know how you can move past what he's done to you so easily. The first attempt that he comes running back begging, you lose your firm stance and give in. Be very, very careful. I think there are underlying issues this cancer is dealing with, and he needs to be made aware that you will not stand for this type of treatment towards you. Which, in my opinion, is disgusting.
My moon is in cancer and I am extremely loving, nurturing and caring. For a Cancer man who apparently loves you, he sure does quite the extreme opposite.
Put your Gemini cap on from here forward.
VOC - listen to us.......what he did to you was real. Actions speak louder than words. They do.
Well, I didn't want to share an update until some time has passed...
Well, after we spoke, things did improve after some time...although we did have two disagreements...we discussed a lot of our issues, and he has shown serious steps to change, and I've done the same...I've grown more sensitive and sentimental (verging on needy sometimes, which i fear can scare him away)...he's been very sweet for some time...saying that it seems that the initial magic and spark is back...but it's funny that he didn't do a lot of gestures like the first time (relationship status on FB, keeping his keys, although I gave him mine), although he did say that he wants to move in with me...
In any case, he is acting a bit weird about his 'privacy' and 'secrecy' like hiding his phone all the time, keeping his friends list hidden from me (on FB), keeping his other profile hidden from me as well...it's just weird that he's quite paranoid this time around...but he hasn't been logging into any dating sites (finally) although he did complain that I've been a bit more jealous than usual (I was doing an experiment really - he was continuously talking about all these guys hitting on him on his last trip, and I just gave him a dosage of his own medicine)...it was a bit weird.
In any case, a part of me still fears that I'm not 'in' his life...just on the periphery...i know i'll never be a priority over his kids, but still....i dont know...he is my priority and a big part of my life (he did say I'm a close second)...like I have fears that I'm just here for the time being, on his assignment in our current city (when I asked him about this 'but you'll follow me' was his response)...sometimes I feel he's selfish...like it would be nice to plan the next move together, where both of our careers flourish and progress...not just he moves and i follow...also, he's been more petty with cash...when I give a gift, I don't mention it. I dont mention the good things that I do...but he does, and a million times! he brought up money several times...and although he makes probably four times my salary...it makes me feel like 'if he calculates every penny spent...maybe you're just not 'worth it' or 'valuable' to him'. i dont even think twice when it's something for the house...and i know he is financially OK...it's all just weird frankly...
Sometimes he's been cold with me...he did post on one of these dating sites that i'm the One...when i told him the same...or when i told him he's the love of my life..h.e was weird and joking about the matter...
I don't know...i want to give my all (i pretty much did already, LOL) and want to have complete faith in him and believe in him and trust him with my life (as he says, but doesnt show)...but something keeps telling me 'be careful' something tells me not to take that step forward, and then I end up saying 'it's not supposed to be like this'.
Am i being too needy, greedy or demanding? any insights from cancerian men (crazycrusteasan, cancerman, cancermalewithtaurusfemale, intuitivecrab) your insights are welcome!!!!
also the Transformed....would appreciate your insights..I tried many approaches...like fighting with love basically (comforting and loving him unconditionally really)...trying to understand him very well (i'ev been reading nonstop on cancerian men, till the point that everything is becoming redundant).
I guess my issue is that I believe in forever, and desperately want that comfort (although i'm a gemini, my rising is taurus, venus is in cancer, moon is in scorpio). my charts are dominated with water signs sadly and i have only discovered this emotional side to me with this guy (also when i was very young a teenager, before i realized that you need to be a cold b*itch in this world to survive it). and he wont give it to me...and that leaves me uneasy...he doesnt want to plan for the future nor does he discuss it...I know he's hurt that two major relationships ended, and he is the keeper type as he says...but i just feel uneasy sometimes and I need reassurance too!! i cannot always be the patient, determined, solid rock (especially when i'm actually the younger guy here)...if i just knew he would stick around for as long as it takes, no matter what, I'd invest much more than i already am (though I am pretty much doing so already, LOL). i mean i just feel he's selfish, and dont want to keep on giving to someone who wouldnt care about my needs and my future and my career later on...because I would resent him then and give him hell...
relationships are tough!
any cancerian males or people involved with a cancerian man to give me their 2 cents?
I'm not cancer and not a male
just saw your post and I remember a gemini friend with her cancer bf
she went through a lot with him too, considering they were together for years
I'm using past tense because we have lost contact with each other I am assuming they are not together anymore just based on our last emails
anyway I only know Cancer males as friends, friends' bfs and so on.
all I can say is he's given you enough he-ll and regardless what sign, he doesn't seem to get over his past relationships, past hurts. maybe it's best that you take a long break, avoiding / ignoring him for at least 6 months and see if he changes
the cancers I know, don't let go easily. they keep coming back to ex lovers, ex wives.
your venus meets his sun, you love him for who he is, but he may not feel this way about you
I have a moon in Scorpio too, how are you not more self protective by now with all the s. h. I. T. That this guy has thrown your way? Step away from yourself and look at this whole situation as an outsider, without your emotions controlling your thoughts. What would you say to a friend? I know a few Geminis and they would say... F@(; that! I don't care if his p. e. n. I. S. shoots Gold, he has continuously, and repeatedly treated you with a serious lack of sensitivity, respect or caring. And he is older! Hello?! You r stuck with this personality from him. There is no one more set in his ways than an old crabby crab. Go find a man who will treat you right.
thank you both leoscorpio and doeyeyed...i really appreciate it...as much as I like the 6 month break idea, I dont think i will or can do it...i dont want to open pandora's box again of the same old broken record: that I broke his heart by leaving him. I'd rather drive him nuts to leave me, but i dont haev the heart to do either frankly...it's difficult.
what makes me feel like shi*t is that I have so much to give and willing to give it all, but I am fearful that i will end up giving and giving and giving, and not getting anything in return - i know i make it sound like a business relationship, but it's nice to feel appreciated when you do something nice for the one you love...
Weve had a couple of very good weeks...things were going very well...until valentine's day. I already got him a red rose with a hand written note...and a gift...and i didnt even get a thank you...or a nice love making session...we didn't exchange sweet feelings or emotions. he thinks it's all just a commercialized day that he doesnt celebrate in his culture...i felt bummed frankly, though i never really cared much, but it's nice to feel loved, wanted and desired sometimes.
He SAYS that I'm a big aspect of his life...i have his undivided love and attention...that i am a close priority (after his kids)...but i feel it's just talk. Little has been done. For example, i traveled last year for his bday. and this year will be the same...and it is costly and i have been working extra hours to afford it. and then i stopped and thought: 'would he do the same for me?' aren't all cancerians supposedly giving individuals? he makes me feel that what I give is his god-given right...but what I want, i am not entitled to...
it's like he wants me, and wants to be with me, but wants me to do whatever he wants me to do, even if it is at my own expense, without him even being considerate, willing to help or chip in or even understanding...
i dont want to be with someone like that. i want to be able to give my all, and for the person to say: 'i apprecaite all you did for me, and love you for it even more, and you know what? one day when you need me to do the same, i will be there for you'. So far i feel it's like: 'you're going to do what I want you to do - on your own responsibility, dime and hazard. And then you're going to be happy doing it because it makes me happy and because you're so lucky that I'm just here for you, right now.".
That imbalance scares me...am i being fair? am i being too demanding or needy?
to give another example of how we are not at the same level. When i told him after one of our breakups (and him asking to come back) that I am afraid, that he isn't appreciative and is just talk...he says that he introduced me to his kids (a big deal apparently for cancerian men). for me, I would've introduced him, asked them to add him on FB, encouraged regular interaction, asked him to move in with me (he lives alone) until we found a bigger space, etc. It's always as if i'm ready to give him so much, but receive so little in return...and it makes me pause, put on the gemini thinking hat: 'what just happened here? slow down heart, maybe this guy is not sure, or is not in for the long run, etc.'