Happy Birthday to me?
Well tommorrow I turn 52, and the only thing in the world I want is for Ron to sign the stupid papers so I can get on with my life.
My family will all gather for a big dinner, that will be fun, I love all the kids and we always sit together and laugh.
Drew is taking just me to my favorite expensive resterant on Friday, just the 2 of us.
I was 49 when Ron left, thought I knew where life was going to take me and was a very happy women, now I am going to be 52 and don't have a clue what is in store for me.
I wish I knew, but I am fine now, putting my life together piece by peice, but I need that paper signed so I can be free from him .
Tyler laashed out at me the other day and said it was all my fault he left, that hurt really bad, but then Drew came up and said " Momma, he left his home and his family and so di she, they hjave no choice, but to stay together or they would have to admit they were wrong and they will never do that.
He has been to Ron's place and says she doesn't live there.
Drew is wise! And I told you she was mostly gone and I believe awhile back I told you although she was leaving just during fights that she would go back with another man for a long stay. Tyler--is full of emotion--he is sensitive like you--he can't make sense of this--at all--in fact he feel many of the same intense feelings you have--specially in the beginning when it was so hard to let go of the "dream". At least when he lets anger loose on you it's a safe place and it keeps him safer. He could act out----that age is so painful----really, he lashes out at you because he knows you love him and it's safe--sounds weird but it's a blind truth---part of his higher self knows he needs to let off rage but where--how. He just wants it to make sense. You know that feeling. And I remember telling you that Ron does not want to face the reality of his actions and they lived in the moment--Ron always has--that's why he can change from day to day--he is only as real as the moment and unpredictable and hasn't a clue how to be accountable as he has always been distracted and running but once you said go but stay goin this time he was forced into a place he has never been --a single committment.---she is the same way so I was always sure that they would never make a HOME together as they both are runners. Ron has not a clue what to do--you need to force the desicion. He can't hold you in maritual hostage ---he WILL sign the papers---you will make sure he has no choice--happy birthday! BLESSINGS!
Well I had a great vacation getting all my shopping done and ready for a tough week at work. Funny how people getmean in stores during the holidays, but this is year 34 for me, I can take it with asmile.
My birthday was nice, had dinner with the family and got nice things from everyone.
Last night Drew took just me out to dinner and we had such a nice time and a fabulous dinner. I had a couple of drinks and went to bed as soon as we got home, woke up with a headache and a bit of a pesky heartache, but I am better now.
Can you tell me what next year will bring for me?
Will I finally find some friends and maybe aspecial man to spend time with?
Will Ron finally hit rock bottom and do his begging for forgivesness, or will I have another year of getting by?
I have noticed that you are not coming around much anymore. I miss you and your insight.
I have been doing pretty good this year until this last week.
Christmas always has a way of slamming me back to the memories of when it felt right, of when the kids were small and believed in Santa, and it was easy to feel the magic around every corner.
Now it seems the things they want cost too much and the joy of giving is the only joy I get.
I have been having dreams that wake me from a peaceful sleep and have me crying in my pillow all night. I wake up so sad I don't know what to do.
The other night I drank my sleepy time tea, got warm and went to bed. I told my self how lucky I am to have such a nice house, job, kids family, I thanked God for asll I have and fell into a peaceful sleep.
I was just there, feeling warm and wonderful when Ron came crashing into my thoughts and nothing I did chased him away.
The reality of all that has happened over the last few years is too much.
How the heck does the man I spent 25 years with just go away and never come back? How does he not miss all we had and the joy of raising 3 beautiful young men.
I tell myself he is selfish and sick and doesn't deserve my thoughts at all and then some small voice in my head keeps telling me, that this is wrong and he can't really be happy without us.
I want to be done, to not care, to not cry, I would love to find peace and be done with the pain, but is there and it is killing me.
I am so sorry you are going thru this Nancyann - it is hard but you will have peace eventually I am praying for you to find peaceand strenght to get thru this
Thanks you so much for your kind thoughts, I never thought I could be so sad, but I miss him and I am so lonely.
Again thank you
I have my own drama--my biolar husband has had 3 accidents in less than two months--my bipolar son got a huge disability check of which he owes us plenty--refused to let me drive him to the bank and lost six grand! He has two children and promised them a big christmas---now he won't come home and is God knows where. I have his son--a very gifted sweet teenager who I must try and make up for his father. He has a sweet little girl from another marriage who loves her daddy and misses him. My bipolar son who usually never misses his childrens events has stopped his meds--they are sitting in my bathroom--he missed his daughter's first christmas pageant--his son's christmas parade where he played in the marching band and his son''s band concert. I always put on a big Christmas eve---but since my sons death it has shattered my family--all my sons are avoiding holidays--yesterday my oldest informed me he had to do cristmas eve early. I was so stressed I finelly let go and will not be having a family christmas. I spent last night pulling out treasured ornaments and special gifts from my grandkids to decorate my tree. I was sick for weeks and just this week got up all my outside lights--myself.. I finely said to mysel this is me too attached to something nobody else finds as meaningful--my oldest son says no big deal lets meet another day. I had to decide to let it go--I sent them a check to shop for themselves even though usually I spend lots of energy finding perfect meaningful gifts and for the first time I will be here with my grandson and husband alone ---emotionaly drained right now. Christmas is a big deal for me--my sister was killed in a car accident on christmas when I was in my twenties---it taught me grace. Nancy--life is not fair--it is often brutely harsh. Let's make a pack --I'll keep my head out of the oven if you do! HO HO FREAKEN HO!
oh--and did I mention my youngest son the big hearted caretaker is in deep crisis because his wife had a nervouse breakdown and is in a psych hospital and he's not only still depressed over his brother's death--who was his best friend----he is a mess now over his wife who they think has inherited a family mental illness?
I am so sorry if I caused any of the pain you are in right now with my self centered whinng, I am so sorry you are dealing with all of that when you are such a kind giving person.
I wish I could take some of the pain from you and make it better.
No offense taken---just want you to know blessingscome where we find them and you are not alone in your loss--your joy in family and setimentality---holding on to meanngful things. I as well have the affliction and sometimes we must let go and quite with the pain--it is our attachment to pleasing--perfection and giving too much. Our giving can be selfish if we attach expectations--honestly, our apreciation for family togetherness and harmony is not always shared by others--we do too much and then expect too much. We can't change that impulse but we can be aware and let go and redirect our energy. If you are the only one feeling the pain of Cristmas--then it's your perception that needs adjusting. I am not perfect--but I am enlightened enough to manage my shadow side. This too shall pass BLESSINGS! I'm looking forward to next year! You should be too!
Well I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and all is well with you. I bakes 8 batches of my famous chocolate chip cookies, made 4 flavors homemade marshmallows for all my friends at work and I also made 4 blankets and 2 beeps ( those pillow shaped things full of buckwheat you warm in the microwave to keep you warm).
Everyone seemed to love the gifts I got them and the whole loud family gathered this morning at my sisters for brunch.
I got little Ava as soon as I walked in the door and held her for along time. She is just at the age where she holds you back and it feels so good.
Tonight I will make cornish pasties for dinner, (everyones favorite) and tommorrow Ron is taking 2 of the boys out to dinner for Christmas. Tyler has to work so they are going without him.
I don't get it, but I won't try.
Trevors birthday is New Years eve and I took New years day off to watch all the little ones so their parents can stay out all night and party while we have a slumber party and watch movies.
I would love to promise you that nest year I will stop feeling so sad and have a better life., but what I will promise is that I will try.
blmoon, I hope I am not highjacking this thread. Just wanted to send some love your way as you deal with this difficult time in your life.
Nancy--oh I should have went to your house for Christmas!!!! You are a Queen nurturer---and the great appreciator of the heart!! And like me a child magnate---your instant plug in to joy!. A lot of giving going on---oh to meet a man JUST LIKE YOU!!1 Ha ha----I'm afraid he would have to be G ay----and more girlfriend than prince---queens get kings if lucky? And kings have strong shoulders but can be full of themselves--stuborn--demanding---self righteous---impatient.. My christmas was perfectly "set up". My lights outside a work of wimsicle art---not too much--just perfect. My tree was a tad behind but as it turned out a mistake that had a destinany--my granddaughter Ava came over and finished it! I had already hung the grandkid collection--made over the years--I save all hand made gifts--including my son's. My son who passed away--I have his little kindergarten handprint in pink ceramic. From all my little boys now men---ceramic vases---animals--boxes of love. I am older than you so going into the next stage---little boys grow into older men who may still love you fiercly but they are not daughters and the crone enters your life with a very rude awakening. And Sweetgem--thanks for the hug--yes this bites but it has it's reasons AND that is the lesson for everyone---bumping heads with a situation they can't fix to their imagined liking. Pinfull things are often the sharp stick of divine help that pokes you in the right direction. The Goddess swims through the emotion--honors that--then she takes responsability for all offenses. Prays--what is this telling me? For me--this time of forced isolating is reminding my stubborn arse to get on with this years purpose and timeliness and I must be the artist
the artist is rather selfish and irrisponsable by family standards. Up all night in passionate focus does not get the house cleaned --forgets important dates--has no sense of time--is it dinner? The artist when creating ---does not nurture others--just their art.
An odd mix to balance---family and artist. Why do I cling to family? The path of least resistance--which is easy untill the universe steps in because Lord smack me I'd stay comfy The universe--our angels--guides encourage us---give us strength--to do the hard thing. Something far from instant gratification but more rewarding for all. HAPPY NEW YEAR! BLESSINGS!
Great things in store for the New Year!
Artist you are. Maybe it is time for the artist in you to take center stage.
I wish you could have been here also, we could have had tea by the fire and you would have loved the treats.
Its funny how much goes into the holidays and how fast they are over, but the older we get the more is expected of us.
So last night Ron took Drew and Trev to hooters to watch football and drink beer. He got them little gifts and they seemed to have a good time.
He asked sbout me and said he widhed he had a pastie and some of my cookies and the kids laughed.
I felt really bad for Ty that it couldn't wait for him since he is the one who seems to have lost the most when Ron left, besides me that is.
Now on to the new year and I am hoping and praying that I can finally get those papers signed so I don't have tom worry about money anymore.
Should I try to talk to him or let my lawyer do the talking.?
The boys said he looked old and heavy, which is funny as he always tried to be so fit and complained that I was too heavy for hime when he left.
Is this the year he will regret or do I have to wait longer?
He is heavy and bloated---your son's sensed his health is going down---considering your nurturing touch it's not a surprise. I think you will have to push legally to get him to sign as he honestly is not in reality about final consecoiunces and wakes up everyday to see "what happens". All the plans and ideas they had are so far away to him now and he really lived in the moment--still does. There is good living in the moment and bad--it's called denial. He has removed himself from his conciese mirror so now he's stuck---it's selfish but by not seeing you or the kids he can lie to himself better as his family is a reminder of reality--otherwise he is not accountable. There is a illusion of freedom in his detachment--it's not your fault his freedom is hiding for his own guilt free regret escape---his leaving does not say you all s uck--but freedom that allows him not to face his self destruction. He lies to himself and he never thought this would go this far---he has felt your loyalty so long that he had no idea what it felt like not to have that--right now he's still trying to hide from that--he feels your detachment--the new you confuses him. A lot of the pain he is in right now he is drinking away----he is feeling karma---that lost feeling you suffered so intensly at first when you no longer knew him and everything changed. It makes no sense that he did not comprehend the reality of his choices but honestly he doesn't understand himself---that's the illness side--it is impulsive and selfish. He is also at a crossroads with her as suddenly THAT has changed--it had to because before you were the excuse she imagined kept them apart but that was a big lie they told themselves. They will never make a committed home together, no matter what they try--they could get married but it would not change a thing---they are too much alike and both run away and cannot open to receive---when things get too good--one of them will always start a fight., also she was expecting him to take care of her financialy---his responsability to you and his children was the only thing that kept him somewhat stable----but it was hard---he needs treatment and medication.to make wise desicions. I still see a hospital visit that may or may not help him as it will be his choice to accept that he needs help. Their relationship is kin to addiction--as in gambling--por n---drugs. It's a compulsion that masks both their self loathing.. Spirit keeps saying he's in wait and see mode---he thinks he still has it under control. He will sign those papers but you will have to force it on him and he may try another attempt to "get to your soft spot"
but you will know it . Just as he knows and uses your weakness you would be wise to use your head as well---know his fears and use them. There is a reason he has not gone to court yet. What is he afraid of? I see that he is paranoid and has secrets he doesn't want to face.He wants what he wants and he doesn't want to let you go. Forget making sense of that as it only weakens you and draws you to him--that worked for him---confusing you so much with his illogical behaviours that you comsumed yourself trying to figure it out. He has to know that now you no longer care how or why and can't be a part of his mess because it is just TOO MUCH PAIN and you no longer choose pain and you just plain will move on for you and your children---they are not too old to have a positive male role model enter your life--you must believe in that possability--there are plenty of good men out there who would love a HOME. Imagine how many loving husbands are left alone by tradjedy---widowed. If you can use this year of transformation to be more content with yourself as you have been you will be rewarded. How you treat yourself is what you attract.You will get your divorce soon as you decide with all your focus to get it. Ron will not do well but will get chances to receive help---he will be alone with that--just as alone as you where when you reached out and faced your deepest fears. Choose love---both of you had this imbalance
you mirrored that in different ways. By rejecting his mess--you choose love. If he decides to acknowledge his mess he could choose love---family, home. BLESSINGS!
PS--use visualization for this divorce---pick a deadline--two months? or less? mark a spot on the calender. Before you go to sleep--see it happen---exactly how you want it to happen---say it out loud--I am getting this divorce or even better thank the Angels already for it---- as in, yes it's good as done thank you! You get my drift---use your own words. Thoughts and vision are energy!
You give me such hope and such strenght, I don't know how to ever thank you enough for all you do.
I know in my heart that he will sign, he has too, he just needs a push.
It makes since that he want to hold on to his way of thinking, after he signs he will no longer be taking care of us, he will be court ordered to do the right thing and that will suck for him.
I hate that he has so many addictions, but I guess that is not my problem anymore, I just want to be done and live my life free of the worry he causes me.
I hope she breaks his heart, but that will do no good as it wasn't hers to have in the first place.
I know him so well and if he has to make a choice to heal he won't do it, he thinks he is so above the rest of us, always has.
I just wrote a letter to my lawyer again and asked him to call Ron and tell him it is his last chance to sign before we drag him to battle.
I have asked the angels to please let this end without a court battle, so I guess now it is wait and see what happens.
I do love my life and am happy with my boys, just need to know I don't have to ask him for my money every month.
My boys don'[t want me anywhere near other men, and refuse to accept the women Ron is with, but I believe they want me happy so I will see what happens in the future.
I know for a fact they would never be willing to let him back home, they would all move away if I made that chioce and I would never throw my kids under a bus like that.
Well Happy new year to you. I had a pretty good start as all the boys decided to stay home and have a party here instead of running around.
We had lots of their friends over and I got a ton of hugs at midnight.
Back to work and things are okay, still kinda bored in self check-out, but oh well my produce life is long gone.
Ron sent Trev a text for his birthday, no card no gift, but he did tell him he loves him, so that is good.
Yesterday he text me "by the way I get paid on Thursday will send money then"
I don't get the by the way part, sounds like maybe he was drinking or thinking he was having a conversation with me we weren't having.
I finally got a response from my lawyer and they will call me on Thursday to decide what to do next, please pray for me, I am affraid and need this to go my way so I don't loose everything.
I wish he would just sign, I have been wisiualizing it, but something is blocking me, maybe her, maybe me, I don't know.
If you can think of any way for me to win this battle, please let me know.
Fear is the problem---you have had nothing but resistance so it's understandable that you expect the same. The only cure for fear is to give it up to God and not think about it--to say I trust whatever happens I will deal with it and this will end. Then be busy with something else. It's a two sided thing--visualization only works with a clear powerful intention---if you feel not so strong then all you will be able to concentrate on is that fear. I sense you are trying too hard--you really need this so emotions are over ruling. You have the upper hand really---if he thought going to court would be in his favour they would have done that. NO, his plan has always been to overpower you--to make you give in---not fight back with all you got. I'm sensing, your lawyer just might be sick of the situation hanging himself---he would rather you two agree---less work for him and he is not making money on this--lawyers are very busy people--time is money and they do not get emotionaly involved. Your pressure may be good timing and he may be ready to get it over with even if he has to make the time and investment for court--but really--first he will avoid that by getting one of you two to give in---if he goes to you first with a little scare what if--stand firm---he will do the same with Ron---in fact he is thinking on that right now---how to get Ron to sign without court as for the lawyer that's in his best interest.. With Ron--it's a matter of this is really going to happen--he is fine with how it stands as is so everyday nothing changes is all he cares about. I believe the lawyer knows how to get Ron to sign---it just has not been a priority. You have changed that. He will sign or go to court. Be firm on what you deserve and want. So far it's felt like he has the control but really Nancy, you DO have the upper hand in this divorce. Next meeting with the lawyer point blank ask him. Considering the circumstances of his abandonment of the marriage and his legal responsabilities which one of us will the court system serve best. I will pray for you--stay strong. If the visualization is too worrisome just do a general deep breathing before bed with a chant in your words that you are safe and it's all good and instead of seeing Ron or court just feel and see all the loving angels and spirits around you--protecting. You could be right--seeing Ron may be pulling in the ebnergy around him--including her as she's praying to--that you would just sign for less already and go away! BLESSINGS! Only stand up to her energy when you are feeling MOST strong not fearful.