I'm soo angry, please don't judge me
Hi all, I'm really bothered because I have such hatred and anger towards this guy that I was seeing. I feel like he manipulated and lied to me on numerous occasions to get what he wanted. I've cussed him out but the anger resides inside of me. What I think angers me more is that I didnt trust my intuition about him. Every time my gut told me something I would confront him with it and he'll say things like "oh your using that intuition again huh?? ha ha it's wrong once again!" Blah Blah Blah...I trusted this guy. He initially was like a mentor to me but now I realize that was his way in. I don't know what to do with this rage/anger I feel inside. It is starting to scare me. I want to ruin his life. I want to bust the windows out of his car, slash his tires, key his car doors etc. This is NOT like me at all.
What makes it worse is that he's my boss. I have to see him 40hrs a day for 5 days a week. I have to talk to this guy every day in a professional way when deep down I want to slap him. I'm pissed at myself for even messing with him in the first place. I resisted his advances for 2 years and finally gave in. It wasn't for a promotion or raise I genuinely thought he liked me. He was young and single and so was I. We got along well and on my part there was no ulterior motives.
I'm not sure if I'm seeking advice or venting. I've been holding this in of course because there really isn't anyone I can talk to about this. I'm really angry. Really Really angry and I don't know how to deal with this. I've been missing work to avoid him b/c I don't know if I can keep up this professional facade for too much longer. I don't want to lose my job over this guy.
8hrs a day, 40hrs a week. Sheesh
watergirl18 last edited by
If you have vacation time coming to you, take it. If that doesn't work, then channel your energy into finding a new job. If you love your job and don't want to leave it because of him, then use that to motivate you to resolve your anger toward yourself and him so you can keep your job. Don't beat yourself up...take the lesson and move on.
Thanks watergirl18...We have the christmas holiday break coming up so that should help a great deal. I just have to get through the next 2 weeks. I'm working on the not beating myself up part. It's definitely hard when I feel like I knew better but allowed someone to convince me otherwise. Thank you for your response. I appreciate it.
You have nothing to beat yourself up about. The guy is a harasser.
When I was going through my divorce I was same way. I don't know what I would have done if I had to see him as often as you. It was bad enough as it was.
I was on a slow burn. And the least little thing would just flare it up. He has a really common name and everywhere I went I heard it and just wanted to explode.
So finally, I just did. I went alone into my room and stood there and said, "Ok, God. This is me. This is how I feel..." and just said it all out loud.
I just let it pour out, like water from a bucket. It helped. I was still angry but the burn did start dying down by releasing it. At first I had to do it every single day. But after a while, the heat of the anger turned cold and then to indifference and I was able to move on and away from it.
I still can't stand him. But it doesn't make me mad anymore.
Thank you Soliie and rynna for the encouragement and advice. I need to find a place where I can scream at the top of my lungs without someone calling the cops out of fear that I'm being attacked. I'm at work now and I just blew up on him again. I'm trying to breathe through this, count backwards, etc and it's not working! His voice irritates me. Everything out of his mouth is a bold face lie. I want to feel sad for him because he feels the need to lie about everything in order to feel important. However, all I feel is disgust, rage and vengeance.
It takes two to tangle is the old saying. You allowed yourself the pleasure of the dance with him after holding back for two years. My advice is to remember the good times and now with the ending of this relationship , the anger that you feel and having to face him everyday is a real test of inner strength on your part. Be the bigger person and be happy, this will defuse the anger. T.D. Jakes a minister I listen to from time to time, said that in life we have to wear masks at times to be professional . He said if you have to wear a mask to be kind in situations where like you he is your boss, than after awhile you no longer have to wear the mask you are living what the mask was put on for.
I hope this helps in disfusing your anger, believe it or not you will lose these feelings and if you don't leave your job you will have learned alot about yourself and what you really want from a relationship in the future.
You will have a Merry Christmas and awe what a New Year is in store for you. You can fill in the blanks here and it won't take to long for you to be smiling again.
Thanks Shaubby for the advice and encouragement! I'm aware that it takes two to tangle and this is another reason why I am angry. It's not only towards him but towards myself as well. But like you said this is a test of inner strength. I realize that I am showing true weakness in this area. I did not have the inner strength to keep saying no and I'm struggling for the inner strength to restrain my anger. You're absolutely right and I know that I will lose these feelings eventually. It's in between then and now that I'm being tested. You all are definitely helping me to look at the bigger picture. There is a lesson in all of this that I will never forget. I'm sure my subconscious mind knows that this was absolutely necessary for my personal growth. It's just hard to accept in the midst of it.
I know exactly how you feel. The rage is so hard to control. I was married to a liar for over 20 years. The last time I caught him in another whopper was it for me. I think I would have killed him if I could have. I ranted and raved until I had nothing left. Finally, I realized he was enjoying my misery, so I stopped. I felt so much better....he was devastated because he felt I no longer cared about him. He tried to do everything he could to make me care. Nothing worked because I no longer cared. I divorced him a few months later. The moral of the story is to not let him see anymore of your rage. Kill him with indifference. No man can stand that.
Best of luck to you!
Thank you RubyRedLips! You are absolutely right! I needed to hear that. When i'm angry at him it shows him that I must still care and that's better than nothing to him. When I'm cordial and professional he puts in extra effort to be noticed by me. I need to Kill him with kindness.
Mizgator - I am so sorry!! You have been given a lot of great advice. I am all for going somewhere, (I ususaly just go outside) and have a screaming match with God. I figure, since I am feeling it inwardly, I may as well just let it out. I always feel better afterwards.
Also, I would like to add this, I am sure this fellow can pick up on your inward feelings of disgust. For some strange reason, I think deep down he enjoys that. SO, if you can, be as kind and sweet as pie. Like Shaubby said, even if it is just a mask.....it would be worth it for you in the long run.
In my way of thnking, if he no longer sees that he has that power over you, the anger you feel towrds him will slowly start to dissipate!
Best of luck to you darlin!!
Hi everyone! I just wanted to update you. I finally confronted my cancer boss about everything. I did so today now that I have calmed down. I gave him facts that he couldn't dispute and ultimately he apologized for manipulating, lying and betraying my trust. I am in shock. I never thought he would apologize to me. I was sooo hurt and angry before and for some crazy reason the apology brought some type of instant peace to my heart. I have closure. I feel 100lbs lighter. This is my early Christmas present. Thank you all for supporting me and giving me such great advice.