Help with reading -What Relationship Would Be Like
LOL, thank God for tarot cards. And I think all men are a pain in the ass, seriously. As for that thread, I do stop by it. And I think I visited that website!! I actually read the books that they get the info from. They're really, really good. But they don't help me. They just tell me what I already know. They also talk about Aries like we're all the freakin devil and a person would have to be crazy to try and date us o.O So maybe my Cancer is the one who should be running?
And good luck on your job interview! I mean, if you worked there before and did a good job, why wouldnt they hire you again? Don't make no sense! I fave faith And you can cry about whatever you want here, that's the point!
So, I was able to follow your (and the cards. I asked what to do and I THINK they were telling me to back off) advice and kind of....not pay much attention to him today, and I noticed that he noticed and was giving me looks the whole night. It was more at the end of the night, because at the beginning and in the middle I wasnt looking at him much, and i was super busy so i have no idea what he was doing. But some of them seemed a little....well, saucy! It could have just been him in a bad mood, cause tonight was pretty crazy., but I dont know. So I asked 'what was J thinking in regards to me tonight at work?" and got:
4 of wands, 5 of pents, 5 of wands, 5 of cups.
Holy 5's!! So he was thinking that....uuhhh....I don't get it. I succeeded at making him feel bad and the conflict is disappointing? I hope that's not it. Or maybe he just senses that I was disappointed in him yesterday. I remember at one point me and the other girl there were just looking at each other like "Seriously? Seriously." and were whispering to each other, and I heard him say "Wow, you guys look really unimpressed" and I looked at him and he was looking at me.
God, I'm so frustrated. I don't know what to do. On one hand, I don't want him thinking he has me wrapped around his little finger and he can fuck around as much as he likes. On the other hand, I don't want him getting all paranoid cancer like and thinking I don't like him as much as I say I do because I stopped paying attention to him. You know? I always worry about his cancer mind.
I'm really lost as to what to do. I don't know if I should keep distancing myself or if I should just play nice. But who knows how long this could go on for if I keep playing nice? I asked the cards one more question: What does J want from me?? I got:
8 of pentacles (UGH), King of Wands, The High Priestess. Shadow Card: Page of Pentacles
I'm completely stumped. The king of wands and the high priestess are almost completely opposite. This, I think, has something to do with me though. Maybe to work on expressing hidden thoughts? To work on taking my Aries tendencies down to the high priestess? That's what I did today and it didn't look like he liked it. Or maybe that was all in my head.
Okay, I asked one last question: What does J feel for me?
Queen of Swords, Knight of Swords, Ten of Wands, Six of Wands.
Ummm....yah. That's different from last time. Whenever I don't pay attention to him, or i'm obviously mad at him and I do a reading, i'm always represented or feelings are represented by swords. So for how he feels for me...uugghg I dont know! He feels on his guard but...uhhh...knight of swords is confusing, overburdened by....victory? I'm confused.
Oh, one thing I want to show you. Yesterday when we were leaving, we got into a cab. It was me, him, and one other guy. All our stops were along the same street, but far apart. he told the cab driver to stop at each individual stop. I was scared....because that meant i'd have to wait alone at the bus stop at 3 am. But then the other guy was like "wait, wow. Where is your stop, Maria? Okay, I'll get off with you and wait with you, you only live a block away from me." So I was like "Hey, thanks!" and was disappointed that J would leave me alone. Which is funny because he didn't last time.
So, when his stop came up, for some reason the other guy got out of the cab at the same time. So J turns to me, gives me money and says "So, are you alright?" really quietly, and I said "What do you mean?" and he's like "John is gonna stay with you at the bus stop?" and I was like "I guess so." and he nodded and got out. And as we were driving away I watched him out the window and he was walking with his head down. So when I got home I asked: What did J feel when John brought me to the bus stop?" and got:
10 pents, 3 of swords, page of wands.
I get a sense that he feels like he failed something. 10 of pents is status quo, or stability, 3 of swords is disappointment or heartbreak and page of wands can be like...a new adventure or something. So its almost like he had a task that was usually assigned to him and he failed it. I'm probably crazy.
I'm sorry I'm throwing so much shit at you. This just isn't getting easier.
Maria, I want to give this the attention it deserves, so will try to focus on it tonight, having an insane day here. But at first pass, even I'm having a hard time figuring out what his problem really is anymore. :o/
Maria - A big day for me here - I got the job!! The world is really going to change around here with me going full-time, but it will all work out. I start August 31. Anyway, I have not forgotten you, just have a lot to pull together here fast and have to be to work at one of my part-time jobs in an hour. Oh I am soooo dreading telling them that I'm leaving, it's a great little job and they are so good to me. But...I have to move on. Which makes me wonder a little bit what affect all this will have on "R". This is no small move for me, it's a return to my career and will completely alter my availability to him forever. No more days off during the week for him to sneak over and see me. He might actually have to make a plan to see me, lol, not just flit over when it suits him. Hmmm, ought to be interesting. Gotta run, but you know I will get back to you. I wouldn't abandon you!
LOL I believe you, Jen!
AND CONGRATULATIONS!!! I'm very excited for you! And HA, good on him. Freakin boys thinking they can just float around whenever they want. Bah Humbug.
I sent R an IM last night. His computer has been in the shop for two weeks now, so for a while he was IM'ing via his phone, then he broke his phone last week and was using some kind of temporary phone - which somehow didn't allow him to even access the net, so he was completely cut off. I had called him last Thursday, left a message, he called me Friday morning, I was at work so couldn't answer. He left a message. We never did connect. Then he literally dropped off the face of the earth...until last night. Because there IS a part of me that thinks (for reasons I can't even imagine because none make sense) that he may have totally lied about his computer and his phone, I left him an IM saying, "I have news to share with you but you're never around. I'll try to call you tomorrow." This was around 11 p.m. last night. Within minutes of sending the IM my phone rang "unavailable caller". Yep, it was R.
For some reason he immediately assumed that something was wrong based on my IM message. (Note here though that while he was appearing off-line on my friend list, he was very much ON line - and he never told me this week that he had his computer fixed and back, or that he had replaced his phone.)
The down side to my new job also is that it is a long commute - 30 minutes north of here, highway driving. R lives close to 30 minutes SOUTH of where I live so on any given weekday that now puts us an hour apart. Not like this should even matter because I'm lucky if I see him once a month as things stand. Seems to me I could live in Timbucktoo, or live down the block, lol, and either way it wouldn't make any difference in how often I see him. But something about that seemed to hit him hard. (Frankly I was shocked by the disappointment I sensed in him.) He got kind of quiet and said simply, "that's so far away". I said, "I know, that was the only bad thing I could think of with taking the job - that it makes it pretty hard for us to see each other going forward". I added a little quip about, "I guess I'll be seeing ya R", as in "nice knowing you".
But the next thing he said really surprised and comforted me at the same time. "Oh no," he said, "we'll find some way to make this work. My schedule with get more flexible in the next couple of months and we'll figure something out. We will make this work." I told him that I was glad to hear him say that because that's what I was hoping to hear, because I really have no choice but to take the job. It's hard enough to find gainful employment around here, and not only have I accomplished that, I am back to a job I used to love, with a company that is actually in a growth mode and I'm feeling damn lucky about all of that. Anyway, he couldn't talk long, it sounded like he snuck outside to make the phone call to me, and his son was bugging him to come back in and play a game with him before bedtime.
But I think that this has put a completely new spin on things and should really impact what we're going to do going forward. I think he was all set to feel in control of our situtation, thought he had things all figured out, could work things the way he wants to because I was pretty available, but I've just blown that up. My schedule is set, it's rigid, I'll have no more time for emotional games or games played with my time as my life is going to be running pretty tight from here on out. He has to seriously work with me and be up front with me if he really wants to spend time together.
I'm anxious to do a reading some time today to see how he's processing all this. I pulled one card this morning and asked, "what does R think about me getting the job and the affect it will have on our relationship?" Got the King of Swords with the 10 of Swords as the shadow card.
Well, as long as he's willing ,right? LOL I can't believe you said "Well, I guess i'll be seeing you" in a breakup way. That is such a Cancer thing to say. Or maybe a girl thing. Or maybe both. Don't freak out quite yet. Let you guys try and work this through, first. If it isn't working, then you can freak out
As for my last post, I guess it was too much for you. Really, the only thing I want to figure out is: What does J want from me?: 8 of Pents, King of Wands, High Priestess.
And; what did he feel when John brought me to the bus stop: 10 Pent, 3 of swords, High Priest.
And one more thing. So...when we went out last saturday with our friends, he mentioned it was his moms birthday on monday. So, monday came around, and I really, reeeeaaaaallly wanted to send him a text and wish his mom a happy birthday. But i was debating whether or not I wanted to keep up my Cold Front or go in for some Sunny Days again. I caved, and I text messaged him and said "happy birthday to your mummy." After a while, I got curious to know how he felt about that. So i asked "What did J feel when he read my text?" This is what I got:
Judgment, Justice, 3 of Swords.
So, what I read from this ,was that he had some kind of awakening and is finally thinking about getting over whatever heartache he is suffering from the past. Or maybe something I did, but I doubt that. Do you agree??
ooops, for the "What did J feel when Jon brought me to the bus stop" its: 10 of Pents, 3 of Swords, Page of Wands. Not High Priestess.
You are driving me crazy with that 8 of pents, pull it out of the deck for awhile and force the cards to come up with an alternative, lol. I don't know what it continues to have to do with anything. It symbolizes diligence and hard work, sticking with a project, paying attention to details. But you probably know all of that and more by now, haha. King of Wands is bold, creative a risk taker, ready for action. High Priestess - secrets, mystery, the unknown. I don't know...does he want you to continue to stick with him, take a chance on him?
As far as the bus stop - 10 pents may just mean he was fine with John taking you, he was more interested in just getting home even though he knew he was being a bit of a sheet not doing it himself and instead just letting John, Page of Wands is usually good news. I think he was being a lazy but and was happy that he didn't have to be bothered. Sorry, but that's what I'm thinking here. Wouldn't necessarily take it too personally, but I think he just wanted to go home.
Judgement, Justice and 3 of Swords. Not liking that 3 showing up all the time. I wonder if he's starting to feel like he's hurting your feelings with his actions or non-actions as the case may be. Starting to become more aware, maybe, and thinking that he should be a little more sensitive (fair) towards you...or is this all wishful thinking, lol. It was nice of you afterall to think of his "mummy".
I tend to go with one card on this short answer questions (with a peak at the shadow card), any more than that and I start getting confused. I use three cards for a quick take on a "trend", like what direction a person or situation is going - past, present and future - but even a trend through a day, doesn't have to mean over a large expanse of time.
I've done a few readings regarding what "R" is feeling about "us" at this time. I'll spare you the full readings, but the cards that keep coming up over and over are 4 of Pents, 8 of Swords, 5 of Swords and 4 of Cups. Dang, between hearing his disappointment on the phone and now getting these cards...I don't know what to think. I sent him an IM earlier today telling him my schedule for next week. It's my last week with some days off because starting the 31st I'm full-time, 40 hours a week. I told him "I'm hopeful that we can get together. Last time I saw you, you said, 'see you in a month', and it's been a month, lol. You know me, I'll do my best to hold you to that. I never see enough of you, you know that!" My concern is that he's turning apathetic, feeling resigned to his situation, and more aware of his restrictions now. Not turning fatalistic mind you, it may be a short-term, but the Moon keeps coming up as well. I think he's lapsed into confusion over what he doing in general.
Hermit time I suppose.....again. Lol
Wow, you haven't seen him in a month? That sucks x.x So your cards are about keeping something to yourself (emotions, probably), fear trapping you, sneaky victories and apathy or possibly indecision. Sounds good He's probably just really bummed that things are going to get so hard. He's trying to figure out what to do. It probably looks pretty daunting from his angle right now. You're supposed to be his release from stress, and now it looks like it's going to be stressful getting to see you. Well, he wasn't doing such a hot job when you were available so pooh on him. He can shake himself out of his funk and get his ass in gear. Maybe don't hesitate to give him a little motivation, LOL. And it doesn't have to be friendly. You could be like "Really? I'm not some estranged aunt, I'm your effing mistress, get your ass over here. Shiiit."
I try so hard to do one card readings, but they're never enough for me. So I try to limit myself to three, but lately that hasn't been enough, either. I just feel like the deck has so much to tell me, one card can't possibly be enough. But maybe I'll start trying. it might make my life easier. One more three card reading to throw at you. I did it a few days ago. The reason I'm showing it is because I got the Tower Reversed and it freaked me out. The question was: what does J THINK of me, and I got The Queen of Cups, The 4 of Cups, The Tower (rx).
So, I looked up tower rx meanings and it could be things that are changing but internally instead of externally, refusing to see something (which would work with the 4 of cups), that kind of stuff. So he sees me as kind, intuitive, loving, emotional....and I refuse to see something big that's happening? At first I was heartbroken and I thought maybe this meant he wanted me to see WE weren't going to happen, but why the hell would he bother keeping me hooked if he wanted me to go away?
So I did a relationship reading, and as 'where he wants it to go' I got the 8 of wands. Which means progress. And the advice for me was the Empress. So that doesn't exactly say 'get over it' to me.
Sigh. Man, do you ever feel like you're in limbo? Thank God for work, music, books and friends.
Are you serious? They freakin censored Miistress? Wow. Is this a thread for 5 year olds?
Oh....wait, that was as*. Ooops It's still stupid.
Maria, sorry I've been so absent here, I've been thinking about you. "R" and I had a big blow up yesterday - I started it of course. Not sure where things stand now, I'll have to keep you posted. I feel like the next couple of days will tell the tale though. Hope things are well with you. Give me an update if you get a minute!
Oh crap. Why, what did you say??
And there's not much to update. I only saw him once last week. We went out because our General Manager was leaving. I was having a good time, and J kept staring at me (as usual....) but lately when we go out with friends he'll look at me, but he won't like....stare at me. But that night when I'd look at him, a few times he held my gaze, and just stared me down. At first I didn't mind, but then I noticed how close he was with that other girl (who, as far as i'm aware they arent dating) I got upset. And at one point she asked him to go for a smoke with her, and my GM wanted to go too, but then he stopped and was like "Oh, wait, or does J need some A time?" and they both looked at each other and then, when it was confirmed that it was okay, he laughed and said "Had to check with each other, ehh??"
So, that upset me. I didn't want to be there anymore. I stopped talking to him and focused on my other friends, then left. I felt gross. I just saw him as some dude trying to get as much attention as possible. His staring meant nothing to me. It was a couple of days later that i rationalized that it was perfectly possible they were just good friends, as that night it seemed like they were talking about some guy she was desperately waiting to text message her back. It also upset me that I think he's still communicating with a girl he really liked a couple of years ago. It didn't end up working out, but the fact that he still talks to her bothers me a lot. I feel like an option. Which is normal in the world of dating....but it makes me want to give up holding on.
I don't know. I haven't been doing tarot readings since I don't have much to ask. One card wonders are now my favorite, thanks to your suggestion. A week or so ago I asked 'whats one feeling J feels for me?" and pulled the 3 of swords. I thought this was alarming. I thought back to the last time we saw each other, and it was completely pleasant as far as I was concerned. So I asked a bunch of extra questions, and from the reading I got that he was confused and felt trapped and scared (moon and 8 of swords) because he couldn't figure out how to balance his life yet (2 of pentacles). It made me feel sorry for him. But it's so hard to see these things on a day to day basis, and I have no choice but to assume he's messing with me. I'm just so jealous of that girl, that she gets to spend time with him, learn about him....ugh.
Awww, Maria, I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well. But I will say that you seem more composed about it that ever before. Maybe you are distancing yourself more than you know?
I need to get to bed, but you can read a brief summary of my latest tiff with "R" on my thread Heart of a Virgo Man (the last item posted at this time). You know, I was feeling okay about things, but intuitively I've had stuff bugging me about him, and I feel like he's been more unavailabe than ever. So after a couple of IM's on the weekend that went unanswered and a phone call on Monday that went answered, but his comment was "can't talk now, I'll be on-line tonight after 11". Well, I suppose I foolishly thought that meant he was interested in talking to me. So I was on-line at 11, about ten minutes later he came on but as "mobile". I made a comment about "you're on but you're mobile, that sucks". No reply. So I waited a bit, and simply asked "u there", no reply. I started to stew then. For starters why is he on mobile - out running around at 11:30 at night. That got me started on the e-mail. When he logged off at 2 a.m. that's what made me send it. What can I tell you...I just snapped. It was a long e-mail, and probably a bit too accusing in parts, but my theme was that I am tired of not getting more attention. I hardly get ANY as it is! Suggested that he strings me along. Thought maybe his unavailability means he'd really like to just end things. Oh there was more, but too much to list here.
When he got it he blew a fuse. Said it was all b.s. Whatever, right now I barely care Maria. I can't explain it, maybe I AM trying to end it and picking fights. Although you know what's hilarious is that he thinks I'm picking fights just to get the make-up affect. Thinks I'm going to cause him to come running out of guilt or to make me happy. Read my thread for more elaboration on his other reactions.
Dang, I really am starting to wonder if this guy is even stable. He makes me feel so unstable that maybe that should be the first clue. A healthy person or relationship wouldn't put me in the place that he does. Seriously, I have to say, that given our situation and how it developed, I can't say I know much about him. Maybe there's so much space between us that there's more fantasy than reality at play here. He may be the biggest a$$hole on the face of the earth, but I wouldn't know because other than our periodic e-mail arguments, I never see how he is in real life. Frankly, his "conflict resolution" skills in our on-line disagreements leave a lot to be desired. Maybe the reality is he's just too dang young and immature for me, lol.
Anyway I did a couple of quick readings on where he was at with things earlier today and got lots of Towers, and 9 of swords and 4 of swords and 4 of cups, 8 of cups and ten of swords and...of course...the Hermit, lol. That's where he's at now - Mr. Hermit and I expect he will stay there for days, weeks or even months. Serious about that too. Although I will say, I did a couple of readings tonight and suddenly they're coming up with Cups all over the place, Ace, Knight, page, Queen (who are all these people, lol). Since the question was specific to us I'm assuming they don't represent people but rather the atmosphere/situation. Who knows though, he might be back into Swords by tomorrow.
I actually did follow up with a bit of an apology e-mail last night, but did stand my ground on the communication thing. I deserve more attention than what I'm getting if he truly cares about me. If he can't find it in himself to send me an IM or a quick call going forward, then maybe we really do need to get out of this situation. I brought it up and in his reply his said something like, "while it's not what he wants, maybe we do need to part ways". So that's where things stand for now...just waiting on the Hermit and I have resolved that, other than the possibility of sending him one IM on Tuesday that says, "Happy Birthday", I'm waiting this one out. I've said all I need to say for now and he needs to figure some stuff out. Man, I just can't help but think lately that he's playing me, but I don't know why. We hardly see each other as it is, why wouldn't he just let it go if he's had a change of heart. Just doesn't have time for me maybe, so giving out just enough to keep me with him until things slow down? Argh!!!
Jen, I agree with you. When you said you guys only see each other like...once a month, I thought "Man....what's the point??" and...really? Like, that isn't a relationship. You guys don't live in another country, there's no reason for that. And I actually understand that his life must be busy, with kids, a wife, and a fulltime job. Sneaking out to see you without raising suspicion must be pretty difficult. But if he can't even talk to you on the phone or on the internet....wow. I can't find an excuse for that. And there doesn't seem to be much of a point.
I don't know. I think YOU really need to think this out, not him. There's been a lot of discussion on these threads about not giving up what you really want. What do YOU want from a relationship? Is he giving that to you? WILL he? I mean, if he hasn't by now, and your about to become more unavailable....what are the chances that he will?
As for J, I still really care about him, but I've noticed that I am completely tired of putting in so much effort and getting nothing back. I talk to friends who get text messages and calls from guys, and I want that, too. I don't want silence anymore. It's so hard for me to tell if he cares and is just being complicated, but all the books and all my friends say he obviously doesn't. So...yah. Blah. But even the tarot, it points to more then what I see. Like, that night at the bar, I came home and asked 'whats one feeling J feels for me?" and I got the Knight of Cups. I asked if he cares about me, and got the 3 of Pentacles. I looked up what that could mean as feelings, and the answers were mind boggling. Everyone said it means that person wants to take it to the next level, or is willing to work on things. So different from what I see.
Maria, sit down because you're not gonna believe this one. "R' showed up on the IM tonight. I had already resolved that I wasn't talking about anything tonight. I'm just too burned out on things, plus I told him right away that if I had anything important to talk about I was no longer doing it on the IM - too much room for miscommunication. So I'm chit-chatting about something or other and here comes a message "I'm thinking about going to see a lawyer next week". I didn't want to jump to any conclusions, so I side-stepped it (how very Cancer, lol) and said, "oh really, some business changes"? Next answer: "no divorce".
Omg...I couldn't believe what I was reading. He says he's just had enough and if he sticks around much longer he's going to start seriously hating her. Thankfully, he didn't bring me into it. I don't want to feel that I've influenced him to a divorce, I have been careful about that, and fact is, we wouldn't be involved at all if he hadn't been so unhappy already. But still....well, you know what I'm saying. Anyway we talked for an hour about this. Somewhere in there he was saying how he didn't feel like he had anyone to talk to and confide in, so of course I said, "well you've always got me" and he said, "yeah, but we have so much drama between us right now", to which I said, "yes, but I am always your friend above all else". I think he was actually just fishing to see if I was there for him or was I about to dump him. I have been relatively silent since my last e-mail.
This is crazy though. I never would have seen this coming in a million years, I don't care how many times the cards said it was brewing, I am in absolute shock, although only time will tell if he really has it in him to proceed. And I don't want to speculate on what it would mean for us, other than a "normal" chance to see what develops between us - free and clear of the constraints of his marriage. But I know the deal here. If he goes forward with it, there is a very rough road ahead, divorce is a traumatic experience. Plus who can say, if she decided to fight for him (he seems to think she would not) but if she did, well, that could change everything as well. Even if they did both go forward, it might mean he'd be emotional and depending on me through all of it. That's a lot of stress on me and the relationship. "Normal" is a long way off and won't be seen until they are actually through the entire divorce and it's a done deal.
Anyway, an amazing turn of events that I wanted to share with you. Makes me think of Andrealightgivers reading for me: "expect the unexpected....." she said. Well this would certainly fall in that category, lol. We'll just have to see how things go for a while.
Oh wow. Well....actually, I can't say I'm surprised. You basically made it sound like you were going to leave him. So, it makes sense that to keep you around he'd toss the lawyer talk in there. I'm not saying he's lying, but I think you should take it with a grain of salt until he actually takes some action instead of just talking about it. Guys have the tendency to say they're going to do something and then take forever to do it, or don't do it at all. At least this mean's he wants to keep you around. I have a hard time understanding this guy. He barely sees you or talks to you, yet when you try to leave he freaks out and pulls you back. HMMM, reminds me of someone!! Men...
I think if you really want change in your relationship, maybe you shouldn't approach him with an ultimatum. I think that makes men really mad. Instead, try actually just like...discussing it from the point of view where it's no one's fault, but you'd still like to see specific changes. This way you won't offend him and he'll actually listen to you. Men get all hot and bothered when they think they're being controlled or bossed around. They always like to think they're the balls of the outfit, lol.
Oh, question for you. I asked the tarot how I make HIM feel. The first card I pulled was the Queen of Wands. I thought this was curious...like, the fact that it was a queen instead of a king, or a knight. I pulled a second card, and got the Queen of Pentacles. Another queen! So for the hell of it I pulled two more and got the 4 of pents and the 9 of cups.
But, the thing I wanna focus on are the queens. I think they're good cards -but I've always had this fear of being just an ego trip to him. But do you see ego in the queens? Does the fact that he feels the QUEEN of wands and pentacles mean its more of like...a womanly, nurturing feeling instead of being puffed up like a King? Is it possible the cards are showing me how he feels about me instead of how I make him feel?
Interested to hear your point of view, because I actually often get Queens cards representing him. Which actually makes sense since he's a Cancer, and it's supposed to be a mothering sign.
Well, now it's your turn to sit down.
So, we got ourselves a moment of (drunk) privacy, and I got all the info I needed. He still doesn't want a relationship, because he pretty much knows he's going to act like a typical Cancer and drive whoever he's with nuts. He said he'd want to go 5 days without talking to his girlfriend, to which I admitted that wouldn't be cool with me. I can't tel you how many threads had cancer guys doing that to their girlfriends -going awal with no notice. He also said he thinks i'm too 'young'. I found this pretty insulting, as everyone else ive ever met has said i'm very mature for my age. I'm only 2 years younger then him. But I asked him if he dates older and he said yes, he usually dates older women. Which also makes sense, as many cancer men on this thread tend to date older women. He says he wants to be able to go out as much as he wants, and talk to as many women as he wants without anyone getting on his ass.
I told him how much I cared about him, and he didn't believe me, LOL. He said he can't give me what I want. He said some other guy will come around and I'll forget all about him in a heartbeat, to which I answered 'no'. I said 'You know it's been almost a year, right? So if I havent forgotten about you yet, it won't happen that easily.' He said he's not the man I think he is, and I said I know you have a good heart, so don't try to make yourself sound like a bad guy. I told him how when I first started working at the restaurant, I didn't want to like anyone because I'd just finished dealing with a bunch of bullshit with some other guy, but I couldn't help it with him. He said "You know that bullshit you dealt with with that guy? That's what I would do to you." I forgot how I answered that.
In any case....well. Yah. LOL there's nothing else for me to say, do or think, really. At least he's being semi-responsible about knowing his crazy cancer tenancies and not wanting to inflict them on anyone. Though I think he just doesn't want to date me. I think my blunt questions from before put him off, and he seems to like more experienced women. There's nothing I can do about that. Oh well...
Wow, that was unexpected, although I will say when you said you pulled all those queens my first thought was "player". But as you say, maybe he's just being honest with you and himself. We HAVE seen all along that he isn't ready to settle down for a variety of reasons. I guess hope springs eternal...but it sounds like you are reconciled with it all. Are you okay with this? You've put a lot of your heart into him so I guess I'm a little concerned here about how you are really doing.
I chit-chatted with "R" on IM last night for a bit. First time I'd talked to him since he unloaded about wanting to get divorced. We didn't talk about that, or us, or anything important actually. Just feels wrong to incite any more drama between us right now. I'm in my first week of a new job, I don't want to take chances on getting myself emotional about anything because I want to stay focused and in balance so I don't mess up at work. If, indeed, he's got the thought of divorce weighing heavy on his mind, then putting any more pressure on things will just push him away. I did feel comfortable enough though, that I finally said, "I really miss you ya know, am I going to see you again one of these days?" He said simply, "yes". I already figure "one of these days" could be a month away, lol, maybe more.
The Fool is the theme of many readings I've done concerning him lately. Also the 9 of Pents , 8 of wands, The Chariot, the 6 of wands, and the Death card. It's almost too obvious that he might be in a stage of releasing the old to make way for the new; he's anxious, moving fast towards a goal and with victory in mind. But there is certainly nothing to say that if he "releases" anything it may very well be me, lol. I guess until that day comes, my saga continues....