Please Help with Love Reationship Situation...!



  • Please help me shed some light into a most uncomfortable situation.

    My ex and I met again after many years and we both immediately discovered that we loved each other more than ever. I was in an unhappy marriage and he in an unhappy relationship. He immediately saw the need to end his relationship which he did after a few months, but she never picked up her stuff from his house. Things were not so easy for me. We live in different places and he came to see me regularly for an extended weekend. It was wonderful, we were so happy together. He asked me to marry him again and I accepted, but I wanted to talk about what had happened in the past. I needed to understand to avoid that it happened again. His lies had hurt me so much in the past that I thought that to be able to trust him completely, there should be no more secrets between us. After a while, I started to feel safe with him and in this love and I did not ask any more questions. Then something happened and he resigned from his job. He thought it had been a big mistake and was unhappy about it and depressed. Then he started to blame me saying that my insistence about the past had made him throw his life away and he stopped coming to see me. He continued to write beautiful emails about his love for me, but they became less and less frequent. He is not happy in his new job and has been writing less and less but he still says he loves me and would like to dream again one day.

    This situation is unbearable because I truly love him and I believe he loves me and I don’t understand what is happening. This seems to have been a great trauma for him, but he will not talk about it. He said that he suffers from the trauma from the past. He told me how much he hurt when we were together because he was jealous of my friends and former boyfriend. I have been doing a great deal of introspection and reading his emails and my responses. I realize that I always tried to explain to him what had happened and that he had no reason to be hurt, but I never validated his pain, although I understood it. He might have felt that I was just dismissing his pain as unimportant. I also realize that if he had not distanced himself from me as he did, I would probably never have learned this lesson. But now I need to tell him, to have a heart to heart communication and forgive each other. I cannot bare this situation but I don’t know what to do. He seems to have made up his mind not to see me again. I really need to talk to him even if it is only on the phone, should I tell him that? I am desperate; I don’t know what to do to reconnect with him. He is the only man I have ever really loved and it is the same for him. We have everything in common and we can be so happy together. We had such wonderful closeness and it came so naturally that I cannot imagine why it is gone and my dearest wish is to get it back.

    Please help me see the reason for this situation and what I can do to change it.

    Thank you all for your help.

    Blessings

    Radiantsun



  • Sometimes the love you have is not strong enough to overcome your problems or make a happy committed relationship. The past will keep repeating as long as your ex's current attitude is maintained. It seems like he really isn't prepared to change his ways for you. Until he does - and at his age he may be stuck in an attitude rut forever - there is nothing you can do. It takes two to make a successful relationship.



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  • RAdiantsun

    Hon you don't want to hear what I am going to tell you but I can feel your pain. It just jumps out from the words. I think I am a little further down the path so have some insight. I am not psychic but your words describe the situation totally if you can just step back a little and get in touch with you.

    You say that the two of you reconnected after many years and found the love was still there, That is a wonderful happy blessing but he refuses to face the problems that were present in the old relationship and has brought them to the new relationship. Until those dragons are put to rest they will always be present in this new relationship. Love is probably not enough.

    If he has trauma from the past he needs to face it and deal with it. He must need that lesson so that he can move on with his life. I also wonder if he is clinically depressed and perhaps a trip to the doctor could be in order.

    You talk of: he was hurt, jealous, in pain, blaming you, trauma of the past, dissatisfaction with his job and now he has shut you out. Is he doing anything to get himself out of that situation? Is he trying to find answers to why he feels that way or is he content with just letting things go by the wayside and letting you go in the bargain

    You on the other hand are trying to find answers, to reach out to him, to take on blame where there may not be any.

    You can't change how he is reacting, you can only change your reaction to the situation You have a deep desire to communicate with him but it doesn't appear he will be able to hear you. These are hard lessons to learn and I too continue to hope that at some point I will reconnect with my ex who has shut me out and blames me for the decisions he made, which lead to our break up.

    I have learned though that personal happiness comes from within oneself, and you can't change how they think because they can't hear what you are saying. It all gets filtered through the same blaming judgmental mindset, you can't change how they react to situations.

    I see you are searching for answers from many. I did and still do at times. It is so very hard to let go. There is a great deal of knowledge and spiritual help here and they seem to give you the information as you are able to really hear it.. If you just need a place to vent I am here also. It is only the past couple months that I can actually say I am from "A better place" Take care of yourself, be kind to you. Meditate to calm your head, eat well and get outside and feel the wind and sun. There is healing energy there

    Love and healing light to you... ABP



  • RS, I feel from your vibes that your mistake is in thinking you can 'fix' this man with your love but it is in fact up to him to fix and heal himself. He has to be prepared to put in the effort. You can't change anyone but yourself.



  • Are you letting fear of being alone or a need for companionship drive you towards someone who is plainly not prepared to alter the past to have a better future with you? If so, you may be banging your head against an immovable brick wall and this only harms you.



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  • The only favourable time for you is now. You shouldn't have to put yourself second by waiting/hoping for a time when he will be in a better mood. Get your answers now or stay forever in the dark. You have the right to know the truth of the situation from him, no matter how painful it may be for him to say or you to hear.



  • Let me ask you a hard question which you mustn't answer quickly - are you in love with this man as he is with all his flaws and weaknesses - or as the man you want him to be, healed and well? Because one is the present and one is a possible - but not certain - future. You may be putting all your hope and faith in a dream or fantasy.



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  • Radiantsun, be careful that you aren't mistaking dependence for healing. If he feels better when he's with you, but goes back to depression when away, then it is not a true permanent healing. It may be just a temporary comfort you give him. You have to walk a fine line here between making him worse through doing too much for him, and helping him heal by showing him he must face and deal with his issues. Do you want to make yourself invaluable to him or do really want to help him - even if that means withdrawing your support, if it is enabling him to continue escaping his issues?



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  • But you can make new good friends too if you want.



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  • That doesn't mean that you cannot form equally meaningful and important relationships with new people. Don't get stuck on the idea that only old friends are good friends. Otherwise you may end up completely friendless if you don't replace those who disappear from your life. After all, you are not the same person you were in the past so why would people from the past know who you are you now?