More Cancer-man confusion (ughhh)
Hi all, I'm new here and am loving this site! Would love to hear any thoughts, tips, or advice from others who've dealt with confusion around Cancer men's behavior / mixed signals.
Here's my situation: Six weeks ago I started dating a Cancer man (I'm a Capricorn woman). He's the first Cancer I've ever dated, and I've been finding it simultaneously intoxicating and frustrating. When we're together, it feels like I'm totally the apple of his eye -- he is so present, warm, affectionate, demonstrative, and passionate with me. We have a good natural rapport and good chemistry; it feels comfortable being together.
That said, when he's NOT with me, I don't hear from him very often -- he waits for days to contact me, and sometimes he takes a looooong time to reply to texts, emails, etc. Also, when he DOES text or email me, sometimes his messages seem terse or abrupt, like he's just spitting out the basic info (the where, when, the nitty-gritty). He never says he misses me or can't wait to see me. This abrupt tone just feels so different from how he acts when he's physically WITH ME! It's driving me crazy, because at this point I'm pretty smitten with him.
A bit more background info: We've only been dating six weeks, and we are not yet officially an exclusive couple, but we ARE sexually monogamous and he's mentioned that he's "not going out with anyone else." (I'm not seeing anyone else, either.)
More background on him: He's obsessed with his job (where he's very busy), and he's also currently in the process of buying a house. So I understand that he legitimately has a lot on his plate (other than me!) right now. Still, it would be nice to hear from him more -- just to know that he's thinking about me in between our dates. I've become so anxious about his mini-disappearing acts that I'm now the one making all our plans, initiating all our dates, etc. (He always says yes.)
I'm pretty confused. His behavior feels like classic mixed signals... or maybe it's just a Cancer thing? I hear they run hot and cold.
Does anyone have any insight or advice to share here? Any thoughts would be very much appreciated. Thanks!
NeptunianDreams last edited by
typical cancer behaviour.. welcome to the rollercoaster ride, sister! lol
Oof... Thanks, Neptunian Dreams! So... I take it this kind of behavior doesn't improve the longer the relationship lasts or the more "serious" it becomes?
This roller-coaster ride is already too crazy for me, but I'm trying so hard to hold on because I like him so much and things are so good when I'm with him. ARGHHH!
NeptunianDreams last edited by
oh yeh.. been there too All you can do is, sit back.. take time for yourself, keep busy.. pamper yourself.. and he'll eventually get back to you when he wants to
Thanks... I'm playing the waiting game now -- I hate it!
Yeahhhhh, get used to it.
Believe me though, it doesn't mean he doesn't care
Example (of course we all have these, but you asked! my best friend is a Cancer. Without exaggeration, he is my tried and true soul mate and he does the exact same thing with me...it doesn't help that we are usually 500 miles apart. It can be like pulling teeth sometimes, especially when I miss him and just want to say hi. However, a few months ago he mentioned that to me, to my face, without prompt, and told me that he does think of me and miss me when we're apart, and that he doesn't try to be flaky but that's just the way it comes across. It came out of nowhere and blew me away, in a good way. I have seen him demonstrate similar concerns about others as well.
Just like NeptunianDreams said...welcome to the roller coaster! The lows and highs balance each other out, and oh my goodness, Cancers are frustrating but they're worth it if you love 'em They just have an entirely different sense of time (ie, it doesn't exist for them?) and personally from what I have experienced, they're loyal. So you get this thing that seems standoffish when that isn't at all what they intend.
Thanks for your comments, tooralooryeaye2 -- they are really helpful! Good to know that these Cancer men might not INTEND for their distance to come off as, well, distance. Hopefully my Cancer guy IS thinking about me, just not always saying it...?
It definitely seems like my Cancer has a strange sense of time (like you said, he seems to have no sense of the days going by). He also doesn't seem like much of a planner/advance scheduling-type person. Generally speaking, if I want to make plans with him, I gotta bug him about it, which I hate.
I have been taking it so personally (I'm trying not to, but it's hard!) when my guy disappears on me between dates (usually right after we've had an amazing time together) for seemingly no reason... I keep thinking, "if he REALLY liked me, he'd be calling/texting/emailing/trying to make plans..." but then when we are together he makes up for it in so many ways, and seems so into me. i might just need to accept that dating him will look different from how it has looked with other men in my past -- with him, i may have to do more of the planning/pursuing, or else I'll have to accept that i might not hear from him for days and learn to not take it personally. (So hard.)
Speaking of being the pursuer, does anyone know how Cancer men tend to respond to being pursued by women -- i.e. having her make more of the plans, call/text more, etc.? i would rather be the traditional girl -- i.e. sit back and let him pursue me -- but my fear is that if i DON'T take the initiative, he will disappear on me for good! I don't know if that would really happen (probably not), but i'm an anxious person, so it's hard for me to just sit around waiting for him to get in touch -- i want to know NOW when i'm going to see him. I'm a Capricorn, I like to have my plans made and my schedule sorted out in advance.
Ugh... It all feels so complicated right now and it's barely been 2 months of dating! I hope it works itself out and that it's worth it in the end... He's a great guy, I can tell that -- I just hope we can smooth out these kinks and somehow deal with our different styles of dating/relating.
I totally get it with taking those things personally--I still have to keep myself in check sometimes with my friend--but it will be a learning curve for you, I think. Like you said, when you're around each other, it cancels out the anxiety and false rejection you feel when he "ignores" you. In his mind, he isn't ignoring you (despite all social cues saying he is...that's just how they are, lol). Over time, if you two get closer and you get to know him better, it won't be as frustrating. It never completely ends, but you'll learn what to expect.
My advice (and I am not an astrologer, so I would refer you to one for better wisdom regarding pursuing vs being pursued: that depends on more data than just his sun sign. Again, in my relationship with my friend, he usually takes charge of our social activities and itinerary, or of our relationship in general. I follow his lead for just about everything we do, work around his schedule, etc. I can be borderline Type A when it comes to planning, and he definitely flies by the seat of his pants, so it's always an adventure, and a positive learning experience for both of us. It's a huge turn of tables for me because in most of my other friendships and relationships, I'm the one in charge...and that includes all the million other Cancers I know. You'd think I'd be passive, having a sun in Pisces, but I have both my rising and moon sign in Gemini, so that really cleared that mystery up for me when I finally had my natal chart done.
TL;DR version: for your beau, there's no way to tell, IMO, without that additional information.
thanks tooralooryeaye2! i think you're right -- it will take more time to see how our relationship evolves. i'm hoping once we're more firmly established as a couple, the MIA-between-dates thing will stop (or lessen, at least). i might have to bring it up with him, though -- i am thinking about discussing it with him, telling him i need a bit more attention between dates, but i want to wait a bit -- we've only been dating a couple months (don't want to get all needy/demanding... yet ;).
thanks for your input! very helpful...
In my experience, it doesn't stop or even really noticeably lessen. You just learn to adapt and understand why it's happening. Like I mentioned with my Cancer bff, that ONE time he acknowledged his flakiness is the only time he has ever done that in the time we've known each other...nor did his behavior change, lol. But it did mean a lot to me personally that he did say something about it, and I still carry it with me and remember it when my impatience goes haywire.
Fortunately, Cancers have an elephant's memory. You'll only have to tell him once...again, it probably won't change the behavior, and it might even baffle him when/if you do talk to him about it. He might not understand that's what he's doing...in his mind, he likes you, and if nothing has happened to change that, he doesn't need to remind you all the time ("no news is good news").
I'd also recommend acknowledging his needs/concerns when/if you do bring it up: "I do know you care about me, and I completely understand you're schedule is busy..." etc... but mean it...not like a reverse Oreo exercise where all the crappy stuff you have to talk about is sandwiched between two positive things, that you may very well mean wholeheartedly, but he will only remember the bad thing. Cancers are suuuupppeerrrr sensitive; even if he doesn't show it, he might be hurt by what you say--"Why doesn't she understand me? I care about her so much! It's really unfair that she's not considering this, that, or the other thing..." :: that's just how they roll. Again, this is a generalization; you certainly know him better than we do! But it's a possibility, IMO.
You're very welcome I am going to shut my mouth now, lol. I talk too much on here.
Thanks SO much for your suggestions! I'll be careful when I bring it up with him. I'm going to try to hold off on bringing it up until a little more time has gone by and I feel more secure in the relationship. We've only been dating 2 months and I'm hesitant to bring up too many, ahem, needs and demands too quickly. Ergh! Anyway, thanks again for your tips, they're helpful!