Daughter having trouble with girls in school.

  • Hi my daughter is 13 and is having a great deal of difficulty with other girls in her class. She is feeling like an outsider and hasn't any real friends in school, though she does have some neighborhood friends. Her birthday is May 6, 1998. Any advice or insight would help a great deal

  • Hi Underthesun - She is a good girl with lots of energy, shy infront of these girls because they are starting to be premiscuous and your daughter is not. It's a popularity competition. She needs to focus on school and keep her neighborhood friends. She is also a loner (does not engage), which makes her not so approachable. This will change in the year to come, keep your eyes and ears open... so that she don't stray from being a good girl!


  • Thank you ScorpWolf. I find her vivacious and energetic but also see that she can begin to feel sorry for herself if things aren't going her way. Kids can seem mean at times but it's just part of all of their growth process socially. How can I get her to not take everything so personally? These are such crucial years. Anyone who wishes to give advice, please do.

  • Your daughter tends to be an idealist and yearns to live in a fantasy world where everything and everyone is nice and life is beautiful all the time. But she can't live her life always in her head with only her imaginary friends and situations for company. She has to learn how to deal with the real world and people. She needs to develop greater structure and self-discipline, even if it seems daunting to her and she has little taste for mundane matters. She also needs to take herself and life less seriously and learn to relax more, especially around other children who make her feel uptight and nervous.

    She has a really remarkable gift for turning abstract ideals into practical and fruitful information, but she must be encouraged to manifest her ideas in practical reality and not just dream it. She can learn to structure her mental processes through physical routine - and vice versa - because a physical fitness regimen will help clear her thinking and feelings and work off any frustrations. When she learns to manage the connection between her mind, emotions and body through sports, yoga, martial arts etc, she will feel not only physically better about herself, but be more anchored in the real world. And if she engages in group sports or activities like joining a club as well, she will learn to work with others in a team and become part of a social group who all cooperate with and support each other. Also by turning to physical activity rather than giving in to a tendency to induge in sugar, starches and the like (that provide a delicious escape but are ultimately unhealthy), she will feel so much more attractive and self-confident.

    Your daughter will enjoy life so much more when she figures out a way to deal with the world. It will help her to begin to learn how to make decisions. And the first decision she makes ought to be to get on with living by participating fully in life, instead of retreating from it. Don't let her isolate herself or escape into her head. She needs to become a joiner, a resident of the real world, for it is only in the real world that she can manifest all her wonderful dreams and visions.

  • Thank you Captain, I have recently signed her up in a competitve swimming program which is right along the lines of your suggestion, it is not however a school program. We are triathletes and she has displayed some interest in the 3 sports but swimming is the most readily available team program for girls her age. I am hoping that this does instill some self confidence. Fortunately we are a vegan household and do not have many bad snacks in the house, so that has not become an issue for her...except an occasional cookie here and there. I will say that she is actually a very disciplined girl and has always been at the top of her class in both academics and standardized testing. I have rarely had to remind her to do her work which I hear can be difficult with some kids her age, so I am lucky in that regard. I'm just a bit concerned about the school related friendship troubles. She is very good with her local friends.

  • It can be a vicious circle - the more your daughter retreats from the girls at school, the more she seems to be snobbish or nerdy or 'weird' to them. And the more badly they treat her, the more she retreats from them, and so it goes on. As hard as it is, she needs to face up to these girls and try to fit in more. The best conversation starter is simply to ask someone how they are. Everyone loves to talk about themselves. Are there any clubs or groups at school she can join like a chess club, debating club, reading circle, etc?

    The swimming is good for her health and confidence, but if you can get her to join in a sport where she is an active part of a team (like basketball, netball etc.) rather than an individual competing on her own as in swimming, it would help her to fit in more with the other schoolkids.

  • All your daughter needs are some common interests to share with the other girls. Has she said why she thinks they exclude her? Perhaps she is waiting for them to make a move and may have to get up the courage to just walk up and ask if she can join in.

  • Ooohh do you mind if I jump in? I have Mummy alarm bells going off in my head when I read this. I am hearing the word "overpowering". Mommy stand back. Please remember that your daughter is still a child and does not think on the same level as you and your partner do, and that her interests may not necessarily be yours, and that you should give her all the room she needs to develop hers. You have had your go, now it is her turn. Maybe she wants to do something completely different to triathletics. Have you actually asked her yet? Oh and I am a non-vegetarian/vegan and my children get healthy snacks nd sometimes a bit of sweet stuff, no harm in that, it saves them from binging later on in life to make up for none in childhood. Good luck, go easy on her, I think if she has been given the confidence to stand up tall and say I am allowed to be here then she won't have any problems in real life. And encourage her creativity too, it is a good way to make the fantastic ideas of her dreamworld come to life so she can share them with you (my eldest escapes to her perfect wold too sometimes and she creates amazing drawings and well just things made of anything).

    Good luck, they forgot the manual when they made us women reproductive animals.


  • My 2 cents and you have been given GREAT ADVICE already.

    Teach her to love herself and realise that she doesn't need anyone to make her complete, she already is. She doesn't have to conform to their little groups to fit in, be herself and the genuine people will like her and if not who cares? Love yourself! 🙂

  • Hi, At this age, kids at school are starting to form groups that specifically identify themselves. It's not uncommon at all for the"smart" kids to ever join such groups of their peers. Getting her into the swimming is great. I think the group that is causing problems is not specifically her "smart" peer group. You might want to research, go on-line and read about forming healthy peer groups in adolescence. It would probably help. I think it's good she does have friends at home and you may want to involve them more in some of her activities. That way, she has support. Rough time...hope this helps. I wouldn't push or pressure her at school. She may have plenty on her plate and kids can be really rough.

  • You're welcome Underthesun. You're absolutely right poetic555!!!


  • 🙂

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