Watergirl Or Anyone Gifted-In Desperate Need of Advice....
Watergirl, Ive been up to ALOT-Ive been entering contest (for money and exposure), busy with my hostess job (pays ok) and ready to move out and actually found a school that is absolutely AMAZING!!!!! But it has no housing but helps you obtain housing close to the school at an affordable rate. Even though, Im pretty sure Im not going to be able to get housing-they have a really great online program for cinematography-provides the Mac, software and a studio camera (worth $70,000 but worked into tuition for us so its somewhat free). I know I'll excell the only thing my enviroment-My father and mother are up to their antics, I feel the need to be all of my younger siblings savior and always spend my money on them and know I can get a license but not excited because I know I won't have a car and it will take me forever and all of my money to get a car-especially when my family needs the money. I have no one to talk to, no friends, or family member I trust or love enough to talk to or even wants to help me. My very active, energetic baby brother (who I watch all the time when Im not at work) breaks everything and is hard to control will more than likely break anything I have. I just feel like closes in on me all the time and I have no way out and Im doing the best I can by working with the little I have but I feel I need to get out of this choatic enviroment to do anything sucessfully. I want to move out if I want to pursue anything online but my options are limited severely-I can't afford an apartment, have no family members I can live with, no friends I can live with, nothing except myself-I like it but it hurts soooooo much-It gets so severe to the point where I want to jump the bullet on to self destruction and die and not care but its so hard for me to not care when I know I can do it-I just need to know how. Can someone PLEASE HELP??????
If the world wants insight into how I feel just to illustrate how angry and tired I am at the moment here it is:
I just feel the Universe hates me sometimes-I just want to be on the road to self destruction, kill myself in obvilion to the pain Im forced to feel when all I do is try to do better when Im knocked down every chance I get-The road becomes more and more narrow as I try to do anything. Im just so p i ss ed off about my life right now just wish I was dumb enough or desperate enough to overdose or drink myself to death feel happy at some point knowing Im in pain but feels too good to stop. I want to break things, throw things everywhere I want to go competly crazy bleed DO SOMETHING to stop this cycle of b u l l sh it. IM SO TIRED OF ALL OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im just sooo mad because I can't afford anything and I know I need help but at the moment I just need to be open to hurtt, grow and learn because I can't afford therapy, psychiatric help at all. Im was born and pushed into this f u c k e d up world and forced to take this abuse. I'll probably feel better later-Im just soooo p i s s e d right now.......
Well, the first thing that washed over me was that you need to B R E A T H E. During these times when you get all worked up from all the outside chaos in your life, your breathing gets very shallow and in your chest. Stop and focus on breathing in through your gut. Your abdomen should literally fill up and puff out when you take these deep, cleansing breaths. Secondly, you also need to learn during these times when this chaotic environment gets to you - to get out of it! Change the environment in ways that you can. Get out of the house. I feel like you need to take the time to go for a walk and focus on breathing in that fresh air through your gut. Sit somewhere calm and peaceful and calm your mind.
After you do the above, then PRIORITIZE, PRIORITIZE, PRIORITIZE and focus on learning to take things one step at a time. You want everything NOW and when it does not happen quickly you get worked up and upset. Now I know that your environment does not help, but you must realize that learning to master your internal world is what comes first.
It is hard to get through all of your stress and I feel that things will come through much better after you find a way to gain some centeredness, but I will give it a try. Let's start with school. I take it you have spoken with a financial aid counselor at the school? Are you clear on what is available to you and what you will need to earn on your own without housing being in the picture? If so, then take the next step to look at housing. Get clear on the cost of this - realistically. I am talking rent, food, utilities, etc. Then, OPEN YOUR MIND to other possibilities. Just as you had to open your mind to other possibilities than going to Miami for school You do not need to live on your own. You do not need to have friends already with whom you can share an apartment. What if you started with even just one class on-campus while still living at home and then MEET NEW PEOPLE with whom you could do this? There are usually bulletin boards on campus where people post notices that they NEED A ROOMMATE. You see? Stop focusing on how you think it should go and start looking for open doors that you may not have thought of. Allow the Universe to help you.
Now let's talk about home. If you start going to school and have a job then your "free" time can be at the library or somewhere else where you can focus. Start using home as the place where your bed is - where you come to sleep and then get up in the morning, shower and leave. All the while visualizing yourself meeting the perfect person or persons with whom you can share that apartment. You are NOT responsible for the environment or stability of your parents' home. You can give your siblings the loving sisterly love and support that you have for them, but you are NOT responsible for them. You must take care of yourself first so that you are able to help them. Are the things you are buying for them really something that is NEEDED or REQUIRED for their safety and well-being? Are your parents not providing food and shelter? Focus on being their emotional support, not financial support. The truth is you need to lift yourself up and out of there before you can help them do the same. Staying with them doesn't help anyone. If they are truly being mistreated or are in danger, then once you get out call social services. is it really that bad or do you just get swooped up in the emotional energy you feel while you are there?
So, first things first. Find a calm, centered and grounded space. Go for a walk - NOW. Learn to breathe from your gut. Sit somewhere in solitude and regain perspective. Take things slow and easy and one step at a time.
Here are the cards I pulled for you...
Island - Solitude
You need to take some time for solitude, preferably in silence. Spend the morning, afternoon, or even the entire day by yourself, completely unplanned and unstructured. The bombardment of your senses by the noise and intensity of society leaves you on alert far more than is necessary and “you” may get lost in this. By spending time in solitude you are choosing to once again find and connect with who you really are.
Lake - Stillness
No matter if the noise is from your environment or your seemingly nonstop thinking, it is critical for you to seek stillness. Find it in your world, whether it is a special place in your home or a place in Nature that is far from human-made noise. Of particular importance is finding it inside yourself, which can be made easier by being in a quiet place in a natural setting.
Rainbow - Blessings
The storm has passed, and it is time to enjoy the refreshing beauty of this cycle, even though it has been difficult to appreciate any sense of purposefulness in what you have endured lately. You can now, as they say, count your blessings. Do not just look at the “brighter side” adhering to some academic mantra that has no heart or depth, but do so slowly and with genuine gratitude that is expressed up close and personal.
Thank You so much Watergirl,
(I was working on giving you elaborate thank you only because I felt really bad for releasing all of that negative energy). I kind of hate that about myself only because I push people away more. I really do appreciate you taking out the time to actually give me advice during that dark period-I working on controlling and I actually took your advice and felt sooo much better. I've been giving some consideration with schooling in the meanwhile (been discussing it with AstraAngel) but I was working on telling you thank you knowing you are busy and all. You are truly a blessing and an all around great person. I'm sorry about not telling you thank you sooner and releasing this energy. I can't believe you took the time out for me. Hope everything goes ok for you and everyone around you. May you forever have blessed days.
Love, Light and Blessings,
It's ok, Asia. Remember the advice - it wasn't just for that specific moment in time.