PLEASEEE HELP!! =( Should I wait for Cancer Man? ...Would love help from cancers
I'm sorry this is long =/ I really need your advice. I feel really unstable =(
I met my cancer man on a free online dating site. We were both told to go on the site after horrible break-ups. His girlfriend of 5 years cheated on him twice. When I joined the site, I browsed around and found his profile. His profile said that he hasn't been on for months. I thought he was cute and I was new so I clicked on the "Favorite button." When you favorite someone, they are notified by email. Eventually, he contacted me. We started messaging back and forth and eventually texting. We decided to exchange gifts on our first date, based on what we knew about each other at the time. It was incredibly cute. We connected almost instantly and talked for hours. Slowly, we were seeing each other whenever possible.
Everything moved so quickly and one day, he wanted me to meet his parents. It was probably just one month into meeting him. (Typical Cancer? =P) Everything was going great. When I told him I was having a bad day, he told me to come over so he could give me a massage. I would stay at his place and wake up to him making me breakfast and hot tea. (It's true that they really know how to treat their woman right!) Overtime, he got a new project at his work and things slowly fell apart. He got more and more busy. I saw him less and less. It went down to just seeing him one or two days during the weekends and only for a few hours. (On top of working a full-time job, he is also studying for his CFA so that's 40+ hours of working and 20+ hours of studying weekly). He just slowly became distant. We never fought.
Anyways, things still stayed pretty distant. I would talk to my close friends about our situation and a lot of them told me to let go. "If he's not going to put in the effort then he's not worth it" or "Everyone is busy, but everyone can make time." I honestly felt like he was doing what he could with the little he had, but of course, I selfishly wanted more of him. Anyways, one day at a concert, my friend (who was intoxicated) yelled at him for being an **** and gave him a long lecture on how he should be treating me better, etc. I could tell this really hurt him. We talked about it. We've talked about it prior to my friend saying anything, but the fact that my friend said it out loud effected him even more. He said that I do deserve better and that he cannot give me what I need. He told me that there are guys out there that have more time for me and be better to me. I told him that I know that, but it doesn't matter if they are not who I want to be with. Eventually, that settled down to him saying that he'll be there for me, as long as I want him. He just really want me to think about it because I would just get him a few hours a week. I would work around his schedule basically and it wouldn't be much of a relationship. I cared about him enough that i was okay with this. Later on, we talked more and more about it and then just decided to be friends. He kept saying that it is unfair to me and that he doesn't want to put me through that. I finally just gave in because he kept pushing me away. When we were friends, he would still keep in contact and flirt. He would say things like "I want to see you" and "I miss you." Eventually we met up and I told him that he is being confusing. He says that he can't help it. He pushed me away because it is better for me, but ultimately he misses me. I told him that he can't keep sending mixed signals, it's really hurtful. He told me that if that's what I want, he will stop. We talked some more and I hugged him. Of course, my tears started pouring. I missed him so much. Well, he walked me to my car. I didn't say anything at that moment, but in my head, I felt like this would be the last time I would see him for a while. I hugged him when we got to my car. We said goodbye and I grabbed him and hugged him again, thinking it would be my last. He asked why was I so sad. I said I wasn't and smiled. He said that I was still welcomed to come visit him. I just smiled and went into my car. A few hours later, he messaged me to say that he doesn't want to push me anymore. He also said that he still misses me and feel for me and that I get to decide. (Sigh here we go again)
The next day I replied saying that I don't want to be the one to decide. It should be our decision because it effects both of us equally. I said and that we should thoroughly think about it and decide together. We continued to text. It was still as cute as always. Then he asked to hang out the following Friday night. I agreed and we went to dinner. Of course seeing him rekindled everything again. We talked casually about everything except "us." We laughed and simply enjoyed each other's companies. He asked if I wanted to come back to his place. I said yes because I did want to talk. He played music and we cuddled on the couch. Everything was perfect. He said "I'm so happy right now." It was adorable His friends came over and we played drinking games. I ended up spending the night and some things happened. We didn't have **** but it was pretty close. Afterwards, I wanted to talk. I said "This kinda feels like friends with benefits." He said "I'm sorry but I had a really long week. I'm about to pass out"
The next day I questioned him. I said I could never do friends with benefits with anyone, especially him. He said that he still cares about me a lot, but it's still unfair to me. If I can deal with him and his schedule then stay. He said that he isn't the one that has anything to lose. I thought about it and we talked on the phone. He went as far as saying he would be okay with an open relationship where he would be dedicated, but I was free to wander. He said that after his ex, he just wants to protect himself. If it's bound to happen, it will happen anyways. At least if it's stated in the beginning then he would be prepared. Part of me feels like he is still not over being scarred by his ex. I then went into the concern of the holidays. He never asked me to be with him and his family during Thanksgiving, even though he knew I didn't have any plans (Plus I already met his parents). When I asked him to go snowboarding with me and my friends for New Years, he said he would be out of town. He never asked me to join him. I told him that it's natural for people to want to spend the holidays with the person they're with. The fact that he doesn't kinda means he's afraid that it would get more serious and he might get hurt. I said I can't deal with him not being able to open up because he might never open up. He was silent. I think I really struck a cord and made him realize that this is true. He then said he would think about it and figure out his emotions.
We talked again recently. He basically said the same things again (that he doesn't have enough time, it's unfair etc). He said that he can't be a good boyfriend right now. When he does anything, he wants to give his 100% and he simply cannot do that right now. He said that he doesn't want to put me as his last priority, but he cannot afford to let his studies suffer. His career is his top priority right now. In a relationship, he wants to be able to be there for his gf when she needs him. He wants to be able to do things that she wants and dedicate time to her. Then he said that we can be friends and I am free to date whoever I want. He also said that when he can actually give what he wants to into a relationship, maybe we can revisit if the feelings are still there. I agreed. I told him how unstable I have been feeling and I'm glad that we have reached a decision. I sent him the letter I told him that talked about our memories and how conflicted I was. I wrote it when he was 'thinking" but didn't send it until after we talked. He hasn't said anything about my letter. Overall, my question is, is this normal for a cancer? Is it possible that he will come back? Or will he just forget about me? Should I move on? Would he forget me if I move on? He doesn't contact me like he did the first time we decided to be friends. Messages are infrequent and not sweet like they used to be. I guess that's because he said he wouldn't give me mixed signals anymore. Can other cancer men out there help me?? or anyone? Please give input. What should I do?? I don't want to be a back-up to him, but rather his first choice for the future. =/
"Why make someone a priority when they treat you as simply on option?".
Im going to be direct. He wants the benefits without putting in the effort. He pushes you away with the "I cant give you wahat you need" (Thus getting him off the hook in the responsibility dept) YET keeps coming back to get the goodies...love, affection, physical gratification. And you are accepting it. he doesnt need to put forth any more effort because you keep making yourself available to you.
Put it this way: If you met a genie on the street who offered to pay all your bills, buy you a new car annually, and give you $5000 cash every month, how hard would you be working at your job? Granted, he does have great excuses,,,his work, school etc...BUT your friend is right...if he LOVES you, he will do whatever he can, even if its a few hours a week to keep you and not push you away. By putting the decision on you, he is again shunning his responsibility and still keeping you on that little stringhe likes to use to pull you back in whenhe is lonely or horney or whatever. Men pursue what they perceive as valuable and a challenge. Treat yourself as such, and see what happens. Stop taking most of his calls, dont reply to texts for 24 hours...stop hooking up. If he doesnt come back, you will know and you wont need to grovel yourself...if he does...you will havebuilt up some self esteem and perhaps enjoy better consistency and devotion from him. Which IS what you deserve, right?
That's really hard to hear, but that was on the back of my mind as well. I'm not sure why I let him in so easily. That's why I told him that it feels like friends with benefits. I agree with you that men pursue what is valuable and a challenge, but I felt like that was what I was since he wanted me to meet his parents. He doesn't call or text like he used to, maybe because I said I didn't want the mixed signals.
I don't understand why it has to be the whole "you want what you cannot have" and then you take it for granted when you have it. Why can't it be as simple as working for what you want and then appreciating it when it's yours?
I agree that the hook-up that weekend was really stupid on my behalf. i should have set boundaries and asked him where he sees this going before anything happened. Me giving in just gave him the idea that "I can win her back anytime I want." I guess I had too much trust in him...