I don't know what I am doing?
Lately over the past months, I don't trust my self, my decisions, it feels as if i am just here right now. I think that I just came here to talk or be heard by people that I feel understand me, I just really feel that alot of people do not. I try my best to live in truth which it seems that I am taken as being controlling or crazy, but i'm not. I prayed for discernment a long time ago and alot of times can feel or know things, about a person or their character way before it is revealed. then I ask myself it is just me, am I making this up in my mind? What is wrong with me, I've been trying to figure it out. I starting to feel down about my choices lately and am beginning to feel that the truths are maybe not actual truths, I don't know but i do hope that someone understands what i mean. when i pray lately it is not whole hearted, I apologize to God for my distractions and negative thoughts. I've always felt different, anointed in a way by his love. I just think that maybe Im expecting from life and people a facade that cannot truly be..maybe. I have figured that i may have trust issues and may sabotage my relationships with people or cut them off when I no longer feel comfortable or trusting of them. I do my best to treat people as I want to be treated and not force them to be the way that I want because I am imperfect. But....I don't know, i just don't know. I know that humans can't really give unconditional love without making that person or thing an idol. But, I would like someone to love me as I am in my faults, insecurities and a person. It seems that when I give this love it is only received because it is not understood. In return I get people thinking that I have an ulterior motive, weak, naive, and no respect to an extent. Im mentally tired and lonely, and afraid, that I may not be loved for me. I dont' want to be loved for my looks, body, material things, or nurturing...just love me. It sounds like a storybook love when i write it out like this...maybe it is. I don't know what I am supposed to do anymore or say or feel, I feel as if I am just here right now. Metaphoric: sitting in a chair, watching and listening to life, as soon as i speak everyone looks and me and listens with a blankness and walks away. Please don't think Im crazy or suicidal because im not suicidal...wait i might be crazy haha, hope not. But I just felt like coming here to talk because maybe someone here has information for me so that I can understand what is happening right now. Thank you for reading my thoughts.
I am so not a bad person, it just seems that lately I have been in positions or environments that i have to be honest or can't hold my tongue. I dont like it.