2 Aquarians ...
It is a very complicated relationship. I'm in my early 30s and he is a few years older. We met 8 years ago, started dating after first two difficult months, but we made it through highs and lows. His main problem is "fear of commitment". I fell in love with him and Im crazy about him. He's my happiness, my sun, my norther star. He's got what Ive always looked for in a partner: understanding, sensitivity, humor, cleverness..He's got flaws like everyone else but my love for him ALWAYS made me look beyond that. After all these years, now realizing his emotions are not as deep and strong as mine, he is not sure he loves me, he is not physically attracted to me, he does not want to have sex... we are from different continents. im white and hes afro americ. All his life he's been surrounded by latinos and ASIANS .. his only true passion. Very attracted by these two cultures, he met me during one of his overseas tours. We started dating then things got more "serious" boyfriend and girlfriend type of thing.. but never moved forward. He's got issues with women, and the relationship he builds with them - which always involve sex.
I dont consider myself ugly at all, Im a pretty girl, I have not any physical problems, I think I have a nice face, beautiful smile, people always mention that, im not tall but not too short either, but not his ideal woman: Im too thin for him, not enough "body", not enough muscles, my skin is not the perfect silky one he wants, my hair not awesome long and soft asian like or wild and curly afro style, my skills in videogames don't meet his desire, neither do my basketball skills?!?! I am very much sexually inexperienced because .. he was my first and only one. Yes He is the only man I love and loved for the past 8 years so WHAT'S WRONG with being faithful and remain devoted to just one man? He's very demanding in bed. I am not a passive woman, I like to take initiative, I like to try new things, experiment new positions, I know im not a Porn star but I am open to everything with him. He is not there, I can tell. He does not lke the way I move, the way my body feels, He hates my native language so when, by chance, I on instinct say something in italian, i guess i turn him off... so many things. We also have infrequent sex as we live miles away from each other ... that counts too in such case.He's now noticing the color of my skin .. now ..? really? Wondering if our kids would ever look pretty? and if it's ok marry out of his race .. being the only son in the family. I mean..he would with asians! _
So after this long vent ... we are here today. For 3 years, after he moved away from my country, we stayed in this long distance relationship - - he met different women in the meanwhile (i was not aware of them until recently) 2, 3 he felt for. He never went for any of them (except for one who actually turned him down) because of ME. for me? Sounds crazy, doesn't it? The reason why is that: He fell for some of these women that he had so much fun with, had incredible sexual chemistry and physical intimacy. Good people but he could not trust them as he does trust me. He says "i know they are what i WANT but not what I NEED. I know i need you because you are like an Angel for me, you are the perfect wife anyone would desire of, i know for sure that amongst my friends, 9 out 10 would exchange their own wife for you. But you are not what I want RIGHT NOW. I am scared to go for any of them (these 3 women he wants so bad) because I am not sure they will ever stick around as you would in 5, 10 years from now. i dont want to lose you".
We had another of this conversation yesterday .. we were watching a romantic movie and there was some emotional scenes that made him emotional. I saw his tears and I told him to go for "her" to really go for what HE WANTS. I would suffer all my life but this is a WORST PUNISHMENT for both of us, me seeing him in pain, unhappy and unsatisfied. I dont need him by my side if he does not want to be with me and dreams of another woman. i don't. So i was honest, sweet, nice, encouraging him to go for it as I did for him. Six months ago I moved to his country. I quit my job, left family and friends and moved to america to get admitted to school and finish my master. Im not in his city bc he would feel pressure and responsibility, I moved to another state but really easy to see each other whenever we want.I quit everything and followed my heart ... I said it's not working, it may NEVER work but I tried, i gave it a try becasue this is what life is at the end, follow your heart. I will never regret anything or blame him for anything. So my heart is in pieces and im there sitting next to him, dry his eyes and telling him to go find her, to go for what he wants. He does not want to do it. He does not want to lose me, he is trying to change his mind and his priorities and the way he looks at life. He believes that what's attracting him to these women are only material, physical things that will fade away when passion is gone and we all are grey and old. What's going to be left then? Trust, love, admiration, appreciation, someone you can talk to and feel that their happiness depends on yours.
So here we are again. He is unhappy, unsatisfied and confused. We split up about a month ago, cause he said "i decided to move on and get what I want" I felt DESTROYED but I let him go, did not call, did not email, did not look for him ... after 10 days .. there he is again .. he wants to try again. And then yesterday .. and today .. and tomorrow he'll change his mind again ...
I am DRAINED, tired, sad, disappointed and empty. I wish I felt no love for him anymore but it's so strong and powerful ;(
He complains of my low self confidence ... BUT he did help to lower it somehow. I am not as weak as I may seem .. not at all im quite strong. I think im a good looking girl, no matter what HE thinks, but with him it's hard sometimes .. ;( I feel not sexy at his eyes, always in competition with these awesome gorgeous Asian and Latino girls around.
I know you guys think im crazy, stupid etc. but I DO ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS MAN WITH ALL MY HEART. I Know what we are, what we have - he just does not give "us" a real chance, forget about the rest, open his heart to me and get what i have to offer him.
We truly do care about each other .. i always have his back and he would have mine. We went through VERY TOUGH times of our life and always made it through supporting and encouraging each other. A very deep emotional connection.
I dont know what to think anymore, what to do, I am tired and confused ;( people suggest to move on and go fro the next guy ... WHAT NEXT GUY???? Until I have HIM in my heart, mind and soul .. there can be NO other guy to me. Im very exclusive and in complete devotion to the man I am in love with.Maybe I am strange to some people and difficult but this is what I am .. I love this man I truly do..
I am sorry about this .. was very long and surely confusing!
Any word from you would be greatly appreciated. thanks again for reading this and the time.