Heartbroken w/3 kids
My husband of 11 yrs recently cheated on me a second time. Just stated that I've been pushing him away with my attitude. ? i dont know what attitude. He is partially home and supposedly doesnt speak with the other person but my trust is gone. Can i should i continue? He says he loves me as the mother to his kids but is not in love with me. how can i bring this love back? does he really love me or is this ego still talking because he found that the other person was talking to someone else. Help! i dont know anymore.
Sounds like he is still in the home. How did you find out. Also sounds like he isn't planning on leaving you. Listen, since you have 3 kids, I would have an alternate plan--don't tell him. I don't think you have to worry about his so called "love." He'll find out the grass isn't greener. I'm not a "reunite lost loves" type person. But if you use reverse psychology and don't let him know it bothers you and that you are strong woman ready to make changes w/o talking to him, is best. And if you make the changes, that's even better. I wish you much happiness. Don't feed into negativity.
While I know this is very hard for you (with 3 children and 11 years in this relationship) you've got some hard decisions to make. The trust issue is very important and will make you nuts if you don't do something. I suggest you ask him to leave completely because the cheating is too much for you to handle, and/or insist on counseling for both of you-maybe an impartial third party could help you both. But be firm about it-maybe HE just needs an attitude adjustment and seeing you being firm about not putting up with this crap will do it. A problem like this in a marriage needs to be handled straight-on. As Dalia said, you need to be strong, make changes on your own and not let his negativity make you doubt yourself. Comments like "I love you as the mother of my children but I'm not in love with you" are meant to hurt you period and to give him leeway to do whatever he wants. Good luck sweetie!!
I'm saddened to hear how much chaos this man has recently brought you. ((hugs))
To be very honest with you, when someone says they are no longer in love with you, they mean it. I know that hurts, and I'm sure the blow could have been delivered with a touch more kindness from someone who has been with you for so many years.
Amparo, it's time to face a difficult reality. You cannot personally, single-handedly bring back his love. That is going to take some time to get used to, and if you have to ask him to leave the home so you can 'get clear', do it. This is not a burden you are inflicting on him. He chose his path; tell him to go live it, at least for a period of time.
I know your life is in turmoil, but use your time wisely. Keep your home base solid for yourself and your children. If you decide you want to try to work things out with him, remember that a relationship takes two, and requires mutual commitment to the healing. I do not feel he will agree to marriage counseling, but if this option is important to you, find a therapist and ask him to consider it. While he is considering it, make plans for yourself and your babies. Be willing to talk to a therapist about your issues, your half of the story, and be willing to examine your attitudes as well. It took two to make the marriage, and it took two to pull it apart. But remember that you are NOT responsible for negative actions your husband chose to take. He did those things all by himself.
Be well, I'm praying for you.
I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time, and that your husband has brought you so much pain with his cruel words, and actions.Please know that no one on this earth has the right to abuse you, make you feel unwanted, unworthy, or unloved. You are a wonderful soul that deserves to be with someone who wants you, needs you and loves you.
As I was writing this reply one question keeps popping into my mind. I feel like I am suppose to ask you to ask yourself this one question. HOW MUCH DO I LOVE MYSELF?
Best wishes to you and your son's.