Watergirl regarding universal advice.
watergirl18 last edited by
Happy New Year ABP,
Your brother died? I am so sorry for your loss. You really are being challenged these days, aren't you?
Maybe you should look upon his death as a reminder to you that we never know how long we have and to take advantage of each day we are given. I want you to think about your dream of retirement. Why does the dream have to die just because the man you thought you would share it with is no longer there? Do not let him rob you of your dream. Retire!!! Enjoy this time of your life - you have earned it. You worked hard and saved and did all the right things. Do not deny yourself the fruits of your labor. Move to a warm climate. Meet new people. Travel. Do all the things you wanted to do. So he moved in across the street with another woman --- move somewhere else!!! Spirit keeps giving you messages to be good to yourself and to treat yourself instead of continuing to deny yourself the things you desire.
Your feeling of "is this all there is" was your own soul speaking to you. It's called Divine discontent and it alerts us when we are not experiencing life fully. Start experimenting with hobbies and interests - play! Life is not supposed to be all about work and drudgery. Once again, it is time for you to explore, play and ENJOY.
You have a tendency to place other people's needs above yours. It is no wonder you became a nurse! There is nothing wrong with caring for others - it is honorable. But denying yourself in the process shows a karmic life lesson is at play here. You said it yourself in telling the story of your parents, the car, and your brother. This is part of your path...to realize that you are worthy of all the things you desire. Yes, you have many blessings. But that doesn't mean you don't deserve more! Gratitude for what we have is vital. But don't use the excuse that you have some things that others may not as an excuse to not feel worthy of more. Living in abundance means knowing that in your receiving, it does not mean that you will be robbing others of receiving. That is nonsense! Stop this feeling that others are more important than you. I think this is also a pattern you may have with your relationships - taking care of their needs (the nurse) without regard for your own. The picking up of the financial slack with this man of yours - this was you "taking care" of him and even now that you two are not in a partnership/relationship, you still feel the need to do this. It's like you are constantly reliving those scense of your parents, brother and the car. I'm not worthy....others are more important...it is my job to carry the burden. Stop it now! My God, you deserve so much better than the way you treat yourself...
Meditation is a fabulous resolution. It will help you start that bucket list - get in touch with what you really want and what will make you happy, content, blissful, etc. Write your list without that voice in your head that says I don't really need or deserve this.
I have been really challenged this past year. I must have a bunch of growing up to do and it appears now is the time to do it. I too thought, when he died, you need to live there is no guarantee that the living can wait for a future time. I have been internalizing that since coming home. I did learn that the personal sadness from the break up of a long term relationship and the death of a brother feel very much the same except for the scope of it. With the relationship fewer people are involved in the loss Just the small group of people who are separated feel the loss. Probably the one who is left more than the leaver but other peoples life don't change. There are still the work relationships, the friendships, the passing acquaintances all just move along with a small disruption except a disruption of choice. Each person in that group has a choice whether they will continue to be friends or not.
When someone dies that person ceases to exist in many more lives. Everyone must adjust to the loss. Everyone will go on alone in some way. Not sure why I made that observation but I did.
We will all begin adjusting It is not less painful with either event
I have been doing some meditating but my mind is just in a whirl. I try and stay focused but next I know I have fled off into a tangent.. As usual my first thought was to do the practical. Make the doctors appointments for all the things that I have put off and begin the plan. I just can't even imagine not doing anything without being sure I have the resources to survive. Anyway the list is started. I then will begin to add to the list of things I want to do that I can start alone. I have begun to research meetups in this area so that I can do that while I am still working and will begin to look into travel clubs. There is nothing that says I need a different home at this time I just need to do something different. As an added bonus as long as I live here he is not near
The nursing instinct: I believe it comes from empathy that you can see and feel anthers need. It obviously is not only tied to a health care needs. If that need can be meet then the caregiver steps up to do it. It works well for my profession but maybe not for real life.
The last year we were together I could feel myself getting more resentful because it seemed I was doing everything while he watched TV or just left to be at the cottage. I kept after him to just do something except sit , get a part time job, clean the garage and the advice wasn't pleasant either. Despite the fact the caregiver was fully functioning something was making me resentful and irritated. My small voice perhaps.
I am not sure how to rid myself of the " I'm not worthy" Maybe it is a control issue
Perhaps that is so ingrained that I need to figure out a different way to look at things. Could it be that it is tied to the need to earn it. Another lesson from my FOO was that things are not given to you for free you need to work hard and save. All of those lessons that were passed down as if they were the gospel. ( thankfully I never bought children should be seen and not heard) Some are valid but they are rather restricting. I never even imagined this year would bring me to questioning my childhood lessons.
Divine discontent. Wow I guess that is another voice I need to listen to. The soul really will get your attention one way or the other. I had decided a while ago that I must listen to the voice that says go back and get the key or whatever it says. I kept arriving unprepared and then found the door locked or it rained and i put the umbrella back in the closet or whatever happens with the wee little voice.
I am feeling really restless like I am needing or searching for something and this not has been pretty rambly . I'm not sure that is word.
B4 I was just kind of stepping back to be by myself. In both ways I feel like I am searching... I just wish I could find and grab hold of it.
As usual you have unscrambled some of my thoughts and helped make them stepping stones to better understandings or at least exploring different reasons for what is going on with me.
I continue to declutter as all this stuff seems to add to my restless feelings. Is this part of the 2012 feelings?
Interesting add on the radio this morning. One of the hospitals in this area of the midwest has been selected by the federal government to produce a plan for maintaining wellness rather than treating illness. Seems like that could be the right path if they don't get caught up in blood tests and xrays and focus on the mind and body .
Am I stuck? or Am I fighting my way forward?