Watergirl regarding universal advice.



  • Watergirl I have been following your responses to many people on this site. I can feel your empathy for those that are struggling to find a new path in their life and I know that this is draining for you. I can also feel your frustration with those that only accept what they want to see. Those shopping for the answer they are looking for.

    I have been reading for a while that you are thinking of withdrawing and I believe you are planning a new web site sometime in the future.

    I have learned so much from your responses and seem to be able to see the advice for my situation I came to this site to try and learn that my ex will return to me. I am beginning to see that, as the wrong focus for my personal growth. Now I am struggling with how do I go about finding what is right for me.

    I read your response to SE. I can see she is having a difficult time and you offered many suggestion for her to work through. In many ways it appears we are in the same place. Can I apply those principles to me It appears they are just universal good things to do for self preservation and moving on. I will copy the post is it universal advice?

    I would dearly love to have a reading on my situation and I promise not once will I ask "is he coming back" I have now grown to the point where I can see there is no going back to anything. Any return is a new adventure it will never be what it was in the past.



  • Hi ABP,

    If you are referring to the post to Stonyeye that listed some things starting with "The Law of Attraction" - YES! Those are universal! These are the points that I have "boiled everything down to" as far as myself and others and what is going on in our lives these days.

    And I will happily do a reading for you if you can be patient - I have a lot to get handled this week before the holiday with regards to a job opportunity and preparing for the family get together. In order to properly "read" for you I need to be grounded, cleared, and in a good "space" myself so I can't promise that those conditions will be ripe before this weekend (LOL)! In the meantime, during this Thanksgiving holiday here in the States, take some time to think about what you are grateful for in your life. And then allow yourself some time to think about what ELSE you want for your future. I am seeing a bubble bath and a glass of wine with a white candle...

    Thank you for your kind words. I am grateful that you have found comfort in my posts.

    "Talk" to you soon,

    WG



  • Wow that was fast. There is no hurry I too have a busy week with work and family coming from out of town First thanksgiving I have had in 25 years. That is not a sad thing just a reality of my life, I too will be more grounded on a non holiday week. Just don't want to loose you and your fine advice. until I absolutely have to.

    Good luck with your job interview. I hope that it is perfect for you. I will go ahead and copy the universal laws . I have many blessings in my life and I am just beginning to notice them

    Have a blessed holiday



  • Hi there,

    I finally found a morning meditation that I like - most of them are just too far "out there" and do not ground you in your body. This is a great way to start out your day....now I just need to find the CD or DVD so it is all in one recording instead of broken up into 4 parts 🙂

    Thought you might like it as well...

    http://youtu.be/4yzguiE3sn0

    http://youtu.be/iRvlbz1b6Bk

    http://youtu.be/W209eTo2Tns

    http://youtu.be/QHAwFfDzGYo



  • Hi Watergirl

    Thank you. I need the meditation and a calming voice directing me, to help me center. I recently purchased the book the Power of Now but was having a hard time with the meditation as my mind is often in a whirl. It all makes a great deal of sense but I need the help with focusing. Now is generally a good place to be if you can just stay there.

    I have been working on calm reflection and getting in touch and then my mind takes off to places that I don't need to revisit. There is much pain from the past relationship but dwelling on the hurt is not healthy or helpful. You responded after my dream about the large snake "Kundalini rising" I take that as a sign that I am indeed moving forward ever so slowly.

    I have noticed that I am more acutely aware of the good things that I have in my life and the rather miraculous intervention of Angels or Spirit . The lesson that I am not alone is more clear each day.

    Now you have provided me with a calming voice to listen to.

    I was researching sounds of waves and kept having to go to the bathroom 🙂

    Thank you and have a great holiday. Will talk soon... ABP



  • The calming voice is Caroline Myss. I love her stuff -- have been listening to her CD's on Advanced Energy Anatomy all year and recently purchased her set on the language of symbolism. These particular videos are Caroline with someone else's music (Kelly Howell or something like that). Caroline has a CD set that has a morning meditation as well as an evening meditation. Not sure if it's the same one, but I am going to give it a try. I like her voice because it's calm and soft, but not too breath-y or air-y. Will be back soon with your reading. Had time yesterday, but got sidetracked - Spirit pulled me to somebody else and it took a long time. Enjoy your holiday!



  • Hi watergirl

    I had a very nice holiday. All of the kids made it home and we all caught up as a family. Very little stress. Even the dogs seemed happy. I did notice that I didn't really laugh much. Will the laughter ever return?

    I checked amazon for Caroline Myss literature. My heaven. she has lots. I will have to do a little research on where to start. I prefer the CD's as I can listen and really concentrate on the content. If my mind wanders I am able to repeat as often as necessary or desired.

    I have been listening to her morning meditations and she has drawn me into looking at some of the issues that remain unresolved for me. One of the major ones is forgiveness and releasing the expectation that I should have been treated better and I thought he was a better person. I realize that doesn't give you much explanation but I think the real point is, how can I trust my own judgement of another person and and maybe some control issues as I have expectations and he didn't meet them. I guess maybe that is a form of holding on to the past. I don't know if you need my birthdate for a reading it is 12/18/44

    I hope you holiday was happy and that your job interview went well.

    Blessing

    ABP



  • Hi ABP,

    Well, for some reason, I am just not "feeling" my cards right now. None of them - Tarot, Angel, Oracle, etc. Possibly because now is a time of ACTION for me and doing readings distracts me from what I need to do. Not sure. At any rate, I have been thinking a lot about you and really feel that you do not need a reading anyway. You are moving ahead nicely - even if it does not feel that way. Breakups - especially after being with someone as long as the two of you were together - send us through the 5 Stages of Grief. Someone may not have actually died, but it feels that way and the mourning I don't believe is any less. The important thing to remember is that we all move through the stages at our own pace and in different order. Sometimes we go back to a stage we already completed. Each stage also takes a different length of time depending on each person's experience. We just need to allow ourselves that time without getting stuck in any of the stages (a fine line to decipher at times!). I have listed the stages below. So many people on this site get stuck in the first 2 or 3 stages, but you are moving along nicely and there is nothing to worry about. Just be good to yourself.

    1. Denial - The "No, not me" Stage:

    The stage is filled with disbelief and denial of the reality of the situation. This is also the stage where we think the other person will change their mind and come back to us.We tend to try to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

    1. Anger - The "Why me?" Stage:

    As the masking effects of denial begins to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. We become angry with the other person for causing the situation or causing us pain. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family rather than the person who has left us or hurt us. If our loved one left us for a third party, that person may become a convenient target.

    1. Bargaining - The "If I do this, You'll do that" Stage:

    The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control. This prompts the "If only this" or "If only that" statements or laments which are just an attempt to postpone the inevitable. You may try to convince the other person not to leave you by bargaining - "If you stay, I'll do this or that" type statements. Some of us may secretly make a deal with God or our Higher Power - another line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.

    1. Depression - The "It's really happened" Stage:

    This is when we realize the situation is not going to change. We acknowledge that the other person is not going to come back or there is nothing we can do to bring them back. Sadness and regret predominate in this stage. We finally allow ourselves to grieve. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance from others. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. However, this stage is also when we withddraw, become quiet, soak in the reality. It is a time to nurture ourselves. It is important to focus on caring for our spiritual, emotional and physical health (eat healthy foods, drink plenty of water, exercise and get enough sleep). We should attend to ourselves as we would our own child.

    1. Acceptance - The "This is what happened" Stage:

    This is not a period of happiness, but it is marked by a sense of calm. Although you have not forgotten what has happened, you are now ready to move forward.

    Blessings,

    Watergirl



  • Hi Watergirl

    The cards are beautiful and certainly indicate there is nothing that I need except to get in touch with myself. and finish the grief process. They nearly yell "you have to do this first.. do not leave this unfinished"

    I believe I am currently vacillating between stage 4 and 5. I find that I want to spend more time by myself. Not depressed and sitting but reading and bumbling around filling my time. Re-potting the plants, getting rid of "stuff:"and cooking. Nothing that is really high energy. I do need to get it in gear to do the Christmas shopping though.

    I enjoy going to work and can now focus on the work at hand. That is a concrete sign I am moving forward

    I can't seem to spend long periods of time at the acceptance stage. I feel I am there and then something triggers so that I miss being able to just say to him emotionally can I have a hug. The acceptance of we will never be close again.. My head knows it but the essence of me has not accepted it.

    Maybe the cards were not meant to be felt by you. Maybe I needed to see where I am on this path.in real pictures They show it really is about me and the renewal of myself. It is not about what do I do to change things or what someone did to me

    .

    I had hoped you would be able to whip out a big banner that said this is the door you're looking for. You know the kind with lights and arrows flashing. I think in a way you did as you reassured me that I am fine and not stuck, the door will open when it's time..(probably no lights or arrows though)

    Thank you so much for your kind advice and resource links. I'm looking forward to an action time also.

    Are you being effected by those winds in the west?



  • Just go with the flow and don't make any healing "expectations" on yourself 🙂 It is normal to vascillate between stages. We might be humming along nicely and then something happens or we are reminded of something and it sends us back temporarily. For example, I have been cleaning out and re-organizing my garage the past two days. Part of this process required me to go through a few boxes from the first part (10 years) of my career. I loved that job and have yet to find a place that feels like "home" again. This is also the place I met and fell in love with the man that reappeared in my life last year. I have been putting off this project because I knew those boxes were there. Honestly, it was overwhelming. I didn't just want to pitch them entirely because there are things I would not want to throw away. So I had to go through them and it was a b*itch! Initially, I went through them - quickly identifying the things that could be pitched right off the bat. Then started to sort through a few piles of the other stuff. I got through some of it, but had to stop. The pictures were too much. So much emotion got stirred up and it was seriously depressing me. So even now, after all this time, I have been temporarily sent back to stage 4! Be kind to yourself. Take it day by day. As Carolyn Myss says on that meditation tape, forgiveness and acceptance doesn't happen overnight so just ask today for that ONE more step toward that goal and surrender your will to the Divine will.

    Just focus on enjoying the holidays and finding those moments of peace. We are ALL in an incubation period it seems. There is a lag between the endings that have occurred and the new beginnings. Those doors will appear and open when the time is right.

    Yes, LOTS of wind here in Vegas!



  • Hi Watergirl,

    I trust you didn't get blown away and hope you are back to humming along.

    I am trying to follow your advice to not have any expectations for the rate of healing. It is strange just like you said things are OK and then there are the triggers. Over the weekend I sent my girl friend to my place in the south for a couple of months. The house that is across street from my ex. A good friend of ours lives in that area also and has been needing help with her husband who is very sick. So it is a win for both of them. It gets my friend out of the north and to a much warmer climate, She has problems with COPD and it is difficult in the north for her during the winter. (hello snow).

    I decided a few months ago that if I was ever going to detach I needed to be away from him totally. I don't know if that is not facing my problems or if it was just a wise choice. I just decided to keep working on me and at my job and will see if I can go in April or May. I think that is a maybe .

    She called tonight and had arrived safe and sound. That set off the triggers for me. She never said anything about him but just the thought of her being close to him set off the triggers of "I wish it was me" It is pretty depressing. I suppose at some point I will stop thinking like that but it was an unexpected reaction. I was fine with our planning for the trip, sent the stuff she will need to have and the renters will need in February and now this. Not sure how to react so just decided to write.

    Did you get your boxes unpacked and sorted or is that task still facing you? Is there ever really a good time to get that type stuff done?

    Will talk soon,

    ABP



  • You did the right thing. If speaking to your friend while she was there was a trigger for you, imagine how bad it would be to actually be across the street and have to watch the two of them together! You spent a long time with him so this is indeed a process that does not complete in the blink of an eye or snap of the finger. It's not like you just dated for a few months - you were together long enough to actually build a life together. The wreckage that you feel you are wading in right now - the disassembling of what you thought was your life - can seem overwhelming, but just remember that when you have these setbacks you are still just purging the pain that is left in your heart. So just let the purge run its course and remember that the rebuilding of your life will occur...something BETTER is awaiting you on the other side. I promise...

    I got through one of the boxes - through out most of it and the few things (photos and some cards/notes from clients)I wanted to keep I threw in the other box! At first, I thought I was too emotionally fragile at this point with the unemployment and everything else that has happened this past year so I wasn't going to go through them at all - just move them. But when I picked up the 1st box to move it the bottom fell out and everything spread all over the garage floor! Gotta love my Spirit Guides 🙂 So I was forced to do it and although it was emotional, in the aftermath I understood why. That job - I loved it and it was a very happy time in my life. I really haven't been happy professionally or personally since. So on the one hand it made me sad, but on the other hand I got a mini "life review" that was needed spiritually. The notes and cards from clients reminded me how much I loved that aspect of the job - the relationships I cultivated and the camaraderie. I also was forced to acknowledge - through the praise of others and the awards, etc. I received - just how much I have to offer and how much I should be APPRECIATED. It was also I think that last final purge of the man I had loved so much. The pictures of him were the most difficult part - I could barely look at them. But in those pictures were clues. He really wasn't all that I had thought he was - he wasn't sitting on a white horse or up on a pedestal in any of them (LOL). And the final piece of the story was I have been waiting for things to develop with this job opportunity (the one that takes me back to that industry) and in the meantime another opportunity popped up. I believe the boxes and the bottom falling out were part of the message that this job was the right path for me and not the other. Kind of a "Wake up stupid! THIS is what makes you happy!"

    Again, you made the wise choice. Revisit it again in April/May, but if you do go please go with a friend and not by yourself! Or maybe with your insanely handsome and debonair new boyfriend!!!



  • How wise of your Spirit Guides to lay it all out on the garage floor for you to review. Everyting that you needed to see for your own growth and acceptance. I do believe that things happen at the time they are supposed to happen. You may well have needed the review so that you could judge the opportunities that have and will be offered. It helped you to decide that you want to stay in the same profession. I smiled when you said he wasn't on a white horse. I have a friend who said to me it appears your knight in shining armour was only a man wrapped in tinfoid. (actually she said idiot in tinfoil) Regardless if the review and the pictures help to purge you of the painful memories then it is all good. Like you said it all helps to purge the pain that remains in your heart..

    I am better after a day of tears and got my eyes cleaned out also. I know I can't expect this process to be done quickly. I have read that it takes about a year of recovery for every 5 years of the relationship. We were together for 25 years so I feel blessed that I have progressed as well as I have. My family and friends have been very supportive. My research and belief system has given me much comfort and the people on this site have reached out with guidance and insight. I count them amoung the blessings in my life.

    I talked to my friend today. She said my parents came over to see her. They were all out in the yard when he came home and he just ignored all of them. Looked at them and walked in the house..It is a neighborhood where everyone waves and chats with each other. My thought was how sad for him, why would he do that?

    Hmmm I like the thought of a new beau by spring. What are the chances that could happen that fast.. It doesn't really matter as I am content with working on my recovery at this time.

    I guess I never really looked at recovery as an active process but I think it is..



  • This may turn into a journal.

    The weather is perfect, crisp and cold. The lake has a thin layer of ice and the geese and ducks are screaming about the situation on their lake. Just enough ice to restrict their swimming area.

    Me on the other hand can not get my act together. I have every room in chaos with the presents that need to be wrapped, the stuff that needs to be donated and the clean laundry to be put away. The tree is only half decorated and I still have shopping to do and I sit at the computer or with my nose in a book or just day dreaming. Maybe I need to make a list of things to do, sort of like an appointment book. The family will worry if they arrive at Christmas and I'm just daydreaming in chaos. 🙂

    Did you have the meeting with your friends spirit guide? Did you get answers that benefit all?

    Thanks for listening again

    ABP



  • I was in that same space just before clearing out my garage 🙂 Tree was halfway done, closets were halfway cleaned out, garage needed to be done, etc. Didn't feel motivated to do any of it. But I just stopped looking at the entirety of it (became overwhelming) and just took one thing to start with -- the tree. Then I tackled the garage. Then I started with the master closet, etc. I felt MUCH BETTER once I got started. It's really more about an energy clearing than anything else. Call upon Archangel Jophiel for help and then just start with ONE thing...



  • Hi watergirl,

    I am needing some advice and to get it you need some background. My ex and I own a cottage together and we both have our names on the mortgage. We had been contributing equal amounts to the joint fund for payment of the mortgage and utilities. I often paid more because I could afford more. The break up happened the beginning of this year and he has paid his portion at intervals. I had to ask for the money last month as he hadn't paid since august and he sent 1 month payment with no information regarding future payments or make up payments. Just a check in the mail.

    Not to confuse the issue but I was seeking advice, a couple of months ago, about our relationship and would we be able to repair it. I received an answer from Blmoon that he was fence sitting and still viewed himself as married and he was having an adventure and that I should make the breakup more real for him. I needed to really break ties with him as he picked up my vibes. At that point I rented out my place across the street from him. There has been no contact since that time. He always said he would see me this winter and to bring his stuff when I came. That if I wanted him back I should leave that door open but be clear I was accepting the reality of the break up. I was not able to have that conversation because we no longer talked.

    Blmoon had a great deal more insight than that but that was the advice for the situation.

    As you know or can at least sense that I have been working very hard to detach from him and build a new life. It is a struggle because I love him but I realize that only he can change himself and he is the one that must make the gesture at this point. I had eached out to repair this on numerous occasions and get shut down. At this time I would still accept him back and work on reconciliation. Which is why I now need advice.

    He sent me a text today that the electric bill is due to pay it by 12/28. The utilities are paid quarterly. I paid the last bill for lots of money from my own funds and it appears that he thinks this one should be paid from the joint fund. He is more that 2500 dollars in arrears in the joint account so I will soon have to be making the mortgage payments unless he steps up to his responsibility. The money is not really the issue as I can do it if necessary. It may delay my being able to retire but that may not be a bad thing anyway. The real issue is do I contact him with an accounting of the money and that since we are no longer together I feel no obligation to help pay his part or just pay it and hope he continues to make his payments as he should. I probably would just send a copy of the bank statement for the year and a note that he can make the payment from the 2500 he owes. I don't want to appear a vindictive B**ch. Nor do I want to be a people pleasing doormat.

    Of course the rest of the question is will either of those options bring us any closer together? Or will either of those set me back from my progress. I certainly have no desire to make either of us miserable.

    I don;t know if any of this makes sense to you or why I expect you will have an answer but I just do. (no pressure there eh?)



  • Hello my dear,

    I did a quick meditation for you this morning and the first thing that came through was your feeling of isolation - or possibly the fear that standing up for what you know is right will further isolate you from this man. Your spiritual family is with you, standing beside you and giving you strength. They want you to seek your soul community here on earth as well - the "right" people who will support you. It feels like this is a gentle way of telling you that this man is not a part of that family...he does not have your best interests at heart right now and you know this. They also showed me that you already know the truth in this situation - what to do - but the lingering emotional attachment and fear you have of moving forward without him is holding you back.

    I was shown an image of a couple standing in the distance holding hands in front of a home and you looking at them from afar, but with only one eye. The other eye was covered with one of your hands and they were gently removing your hand from your face. It was as if to say that deep down you know the truth, but the unpleasant reality may be too difficult for you at times so you go into semi-denial about him. But they were removing your hand because they know you are strong enough to face this challenge. They are supporting you every step of the way. The last thing was that this man you still care for so much is taking advantage of the situation. He is withholding the money he knows is due - they showed me a stingy, miserly man like Scrooge. He will continue to do so until you draw the line in the sand. And the message was that this does not need to be done in a vindictive way and it is not "b*itchy" to assert yourself and your rights. You were raised during a time when women were taught that speaking up was un-ladylike, inappropriate, and undesirable to men. Deep down, you know this is not true and this is a cycle, thought pattern, etc that needs to be broken. And really, accepting his behavior in this regard is about how you feel about yourself in the end. This has come up before for you -- why do you feel that other peoples' needs are more important than yours? Why would you fear pushing him away when he is clearly taking advantage and mistreating you? If it does push him away, why would you want a man who would be pushed away by a woman who is clearly just respecting herself and asking him to be a mature adult who takes responsibility for his financial obligations? Women often get the "Speak your Truth" and "Stand in your Power" message and it gets perceived as a negative thing to do so. Speaking your truth and standing in your own power does not have to equate to confrontation. You can assert yourself with grace. My personal suggestion based on what I was shown is to separate this issue of the cottage mortgage, expenses, etc. from your emotions. Approach it as if he were simply a business partner. Would you really accept this from a business partner? If it were me, I would discontinue paying any money into the joint fund unless you are matching funds that he has put in. In the interest of protecting your credit, just assume responsibility for all payments from now on, but pay from your personal account and keep a very detailed record of this. Send him monthly statements that show how much he is in arrears. Will putting the cottage on the market result in a huge loss for you based on your investment? If not too much of a loss, I would sell it and then take what he owes out of the money you get for it. You really need to cut the ties with him and he is not a responsible man - you know this. You have been taking care of him all along. You deserve someone more mature, responsible and LOVING.

    With regard to him coming back....I don't get that he is, but maybe that's just because they are not showing it to me. Personally, I feel like when these things first happen, that the woman might need to hold out hope in order to get through the first phase - sometimes denial is needed. So I don't know about Blmoon's reading. Maybe she was just trying to help you through by giving you reality in small doses at a time. Maybe she did see that potential in the future. But remember that you are dealing with not just your own, but two other people's free will. Personally, I think you deserve better and this journey you are on is for YOU to realize you deserve better!

    Blessings,

    Watergirl



  • Watergirl, As always I need to internalize your response. There is much to think about.

    The cottage is for sale but will not sell this winter. It gets snowed in so people can't see it.

    As to Blmoons response my sense of her reading was He feels secure in my love so has no reason to make a decision about the future. If he is ever to change his mind he must feel that I honestly am accepting he is gone and I'm moving on. She said, only then will he see what he lost and decide if it was a mistake or not. A gentle nudge to me to start to do something different.. Although I feel much more detached I'm not sure he senses it.

    Is this just a different way of working through stage 3. The bargaining stage. I can say that the analogy of a business proposition is good. I have a strong work ethic and believe in the validity of agreements either written or verbal. Perhaps to the point of being rigid as It takes the thinking from the emotional realm.

    I'm gona finish the tree and think.

    Thank you again for your insight

    Will finish my response after I can really put it into words



  • Hi Watergirl

    On reflection you are absolutely right about the feeling of isolation. Not isolation in the traditional sense from everything and everyone ..but isolated from everything that we as a couple planned, the retirement which should have happened this month, the involvement in the retirement community, the time to spend in travel, the time to spend at the lake etc. I had a vision of what my life was going to be and I could actually see the time when it would happen... Now that is gone It seems that any time there is a reference to him I get emotional but I think because he is happily living our plans...I have been isolated from them. He represents what would have been my future.

    While that sounds pretty pathetic it also points out the problem which is how to build a new future. I could still retire but question to what? What do I really want to do now? I'm not sure I want the same things any more. It seems rather shallow to just go and "Retire" There should be more but I can't see what that would be right now. On the other hand I don't want to give up what was (to Be) because that was a valid desire for many years and I question if it is just fear of being in the same area as he is. I cling to my family and a few friends and have some pretty contented tmes.

    I do have a deep emotional attachment to him but question if I fear moving forward because I can't see where I'm going or if I fear leaving him behind. Probably a little of both but I have been able to make myself see that everything wasn't perfect with him but I did feel secure with him and the security is gone. I'm not even sure the security was him.

    I can remember thinking a few months B4 the break up "is this all there is". I never would have left based on that, but perhaps that was my wake up call to do something or it would be done for me..I don't have the same picture of my hands over one eye. The picture I have is both walking away but often looking back I have regrets but he seems to shift between blaming and happy. There is no woman just the two of us. Perhaps a flaw in my picture.

    Your question about why are other peoples needs more important than my needs. has had me really stumped. It's true I think, but the why of it doesn't make much sense. In the past I had decided that most of my needs have been met through hard work or plain good fortune. I have a close family, a few good friends, work that I love, the respect of people I lead, enough money to get by, a generally positive attitude and just a whole bunch of blessings that anyone would be happy to have. So how could my needs be more important that the needs of other people. I also know I hate to ask others for anything I need. I prefer to do without. I guess that selfishly robs them of being able to give to me but more important it may make me appear insecure. In my FOO it was always about appearances and still is for my parents. (and maybe me)That is another blessing they are both still alive and well. I have always appeared to be self sufficient so when I asked them for things they would deny them based on who they determined had the most need. For example years ago I was going through a divorce with teenage kids and they needed a car to get to work. I worked so they couldn't use my car. My parents were getting rid of one of their cars so I asked if I could buy it from them on a payment plan, they said no they were giving it to my brother cuz he only had one car and they were sure I would figure out a way to get another car. I did but I always remembered his need was more important than mine. It's funny how the mind works and what lesson we learn.

    I do also have the generational tabu issues that being assertive is not attractive but I am known to speak the truth until something makes me feel insecure. He makes me feel insecure. Probably because it appears so easy to abandon me and easily move on. I don't know if it was easy but it appears to be.

    Your advice to treat the mortgage/cottage as a business is good. I will send an accounting the first of the year for 2011. He did send another payment so perhaps he is accepting some responsibility for his obligations. I never have viewed him as miserly but maybe I just missed a lot of stuff... I will pay the electric from the joint account. Next year is a new year. I'll pay the bills with a bi monthly accounting to him as long as he is sending the payments. If the payments stop he will get a monthly accounting.

    My friend talked to him the other day and he was upset that I hadn't contacted him regarding her arrival. He would have turned on the water and put up the hurricane shutters. She said she told him "I'm not getting in the middle of this but you did a really stupid thing She is not likely to contact you for anything" He just left saying she didn't want to retire. He appears comfortable blaming me and I continue to question why I care.

    I agree that I am on this journey of self discovery and need to find the reasons why I don't think I am worthy. The little jar didn't knock me off of my recovery path. I''m sure there is some bargaining but more important not wanting to confront because I don't want to face more rejection.. I mean that in a more positive way than it sounds. I have begun establishing a shield that says I'm OK as I am. It is still fragile so I don't need someone telling me that all I care about is money, my own self etc. Not that he would but that is a fear I carry from my 1st marriage as he would do that. Wow am I happy I only have break up's every 20 to 25 years. Maybe that is a blessing.

    My head knows I deserve better so now I just need to convince me but the rest of the story is I need to figure out what do I want to do. Who knew it would be so hard to make a bucket list. Maybe that is the real problem I haven't established what I want to do when I grow up.

    Thank you again from the bottom of my heart ABP



  • Happy New Year Watergirl18

    Hope your holidays were grand and that the new year brings you all of the success you desire. Just wanted to say thanks again. for all your help and understanding

    My new years resolution is at least 15 minutes of meditation every day, even work days.

    My life is not humming along as yet with the sadness of my brothers death but I feel confident he is in a better place. Once he rests perhaps he will be back to help all of us with his unique and humorous view of the world.

    Blessing and healing light to you.