Ok what is it with cancer men?

  • I am recently divorced, he is recently divorced. He married after 6 months, was married for 7 years. I married after 6 months was married for 3 years. So.... here we are. We both have little ones we are protective of...

    We met 3 months ago, at the playground of all places and he said he noticed me the moment I got out of my car. I could feel it too and I was drawn to him....so we talked, we met for a few playdates and once we realized we were intersted in each other, we stopped meeting for playdates, we just dated.

    We could and still do talk for hours at a time and I love this and have not found it very often, neither has he. We got physical sooner rather than later, but that was impossible to avoid. He has told me several times, several several times, that I am the best he has ever had. He has said I am the total package, more than once......

    Things to understand, we are both single parents. He has his child 50/50 and I have mine 100% of the time. When he has his child we don't see one another, when he doesn't I hire a babysitter (which he offered to help pay for) or he comes over after she falls asleep. His job when we met was very time consuming so we ended up seeing each other two nights a week on average from say 9pm - 12am and then once on the weekend for a few hours as well.

    Part of it is our challenging schedules and part of it is him and me - our personalities. So I asked him for more quality time, not necessarily more time - but more quality time where we actually did things together which gave us a chance to experience together and learn more about each other. I felt like he was "fittig me in" not "making space" for me in his life and I didn't like it. I've put up with less than I want in the past and am not going to do that any more. Besides my hroscope for the year says not to : )

    He said he knew he wasn't giving me what I wanted or needed and that made him feel guilty and he didn't like that. He pulled back and said he wasn't ready for a relationship and we should just be friends. Yes we spoke every night on the phone for a week after he said that. I sent him an email and his reply was that no one has ever been able to pin him to the "dime" on how he was feeling before in his life and he was really taken aback by this. Even though he was at a party that night, he sat in his car for an hour to talk to me about what we were going to do.

    The next night I told him about a date I had been on and he said, um funny you mentioned that, but I was thinking I don't know what I want and I should date too so i can figure it out. Which pissed me off because if I am the full package and the best he has ever had, and we talk for hours on end etc etc then why would he just want to be friends with me but "date" other people to figure out what he wants.....??? MEN : ) - big smile

    SO - my email, we spoke and decided were were not just friends, but we didn't want to be exclusive (which is what HE asked for in the beginning)....So we are dating, he didn't think we could "go backwards" and just date, when I told him I would rather that than just be friends, he was all for it.

    Thing is, it has been a month or so and I've been on 5 dates - you know simple lunch or meet for a drink and these dates are just solidifying what I feel, that I want to pursue a relationship with him, not anyone else. he is being a real cancer though, pulled back, in a shell, peaks his head out every now and then. I can tell he is really emotional, he wants his alone time etc etc - which is all ok with me.....

    So I realized I wanted a relationship and he says he is not ready. He is very supportive and caring. We talk at least 3 times a week on the phone and see each other at least once a week. But he is a CANCER and true cancer and he even says yep I am a cancer to a tee - He was born 6/23 - so does that make him have gemini tendancies???? I have no idea....

    everything I read about Cancer seems to be him. So..... did he just get scared and pull back into his shell? Was me being the full package and the best he has ever had freak him out?

    I am giving him time and space to figure it all out, how can I tell if he is coming around? How can you tell when a cancer is opening up their shell to let you in?

    I've told him this and I just know that once that happens for someone, it must be such an amazing feeling....

    Oh and I am a Libra, so yeah I know they say nope not compatible, but I think we can be.

  • Mine is a 6/23 Cancer also. He would be a 1st decantes Cancer (0-10 degrees), therefore he would be the most typical of Cancers. http://www.novareinna.com/constellation/

    Do you know his placements? Mine is a Gemini ascendant, therefore his public persona exhibits Gemini traits.

  • Hi, I was married to a Cancer. I view this sign as the perpetual teenager. Friends mean a lot. I also view this sign as being immature.

    I don't think your friend has found anyone else--yet. Sounds like he's headed in that direction. Could be any number of reasons. The sooner you can forget him the better. He has been honest w/you in regards that he is not ready etc....

    I wouldn't go back to him in an effort to work anything out. He's made it quite clear what his intentions are. I do think he has led you on in some regards.

    I know this doesn't help the pain this has caused you. The quicker you move on is one day closer to feeling better. You aren't as callous as he. You still care about him which is a good character trait that you are wasting on him.

    Please don't spend a lot of time wondering about him.

  • I hear you - From everything I've read about cancers, he is acting like a true one, retreating back into his shell and he is only going to come out when he is ready to, which I suppose could be seen as "teenager" behavior. Staying someone what closed off and protective of his freedom. We talked last night again for over an hour. He said he wants to spend more "quality" time together. He invited me over to hang out at the pool and BBQ during the week after work....

    I have 2 sisters that are cancers and they are fiercy loyal once you get inside, they are also quite "crabby" when they want to be, but they are also abundantly loving and caring. I know how special cancers can be once they lift up their shell and let you in....

    I am still looking, dating etc and I let him know that I am because I don't want him thinking I am sitting here waiting for him to "be ready"....

    Although I've been on a few dates and all of them end with me saying geez.....I really like this cancer man

  • I wonder if there is a secret Cancer men’s club out there, because they all seem to have a script with the same words  As far as I can judge, being “ready” does not mean he doesn’t want to have a relationship with you. It means, for whatever reason, he is being very cautious about entering into any relationship period. I said to mine one time that we were already in a relationship and he agreed that we were….so figure that one out. And I know (because we have had separations) that you have to be in the picture for that process to even begin. He won’t commit to moving ahead unless he knows you are in it for the long haul. The pattern I’ve noticed is that he lets you in a little, then goes back into his shell and gages how you’re reacting. If he can’t figure out your reaction he asks about things very subtly. When all is safe, he comes back out and continues on with the next step, and on and on. I have also experienced periods (most recent 8 months long) where he is amazingly open with his love, so much so it feels like my heart is ready to explode, and then as soon as I mention anything about it, he backs away. This is the stage I’m at now (couple of weeks), and although we talk everyday, I can feel he has stepped back a bit. {{sigh}}

  • I was born the same day as him, I am a triple cancer with libra rising, zero gemini. I also have 2 libra kids so the cancer libra interaction is familar to me.

    One of the strongest qualities of cancarians is thier nesting instincts in both males and females. What I find interesting is you started out with play dates but once you became involved he removed you from the nest enviroment, a very bad sign from a cancer. Keep pushing him for more time and he will withdraw further, being pushed in any manner terrifies cancers. Cancers are not party animals siting in a car with you is much safer then lots of strangers. You opened the subject of dating others, bad bad bad with a cancer they are fiercly loyal, his words to you basically said ok I accept that we are going a different dirrection now, your idea not his and probably hurt him deeply. Libras and cancers are compatable, libras at times can be a little to loud strong willed or bold for the shy cancer but thier logical side always wins out and stabilises things (after they get off fence).

    My sugestion to you but only if you are serious about this man.

    1 dump the other dates, you have to re earn his trust.

    2 get back to play dates, this is where his heart is. The second he removed you from that enviroment you were in deep trouble, a woman he sleeps with will never be around his children, but a potential mate or mother will be. Consider what an interesting coincidence that when you started to sleep together your socialising in a family enviroment was gone.

    Pack a picnic with plenty of sun screen and take those kids to the beach, have a Walt disney movie at your home after words where the kids will fall asleep under lots of soft sheets. Give him his own bowl of popcorn and snuggle the kids between you on the couch. Smile at him oer thier heads but keep your hands to yourself. Don't even kiss him goodnight as he leaves just give him a hug as you hold the door his arms will be full of sleeping child. Arrange more days like this BBqs childrens museam all the things your kids are dieing to do. You have to decide do you wish to be in his bed or his life? Be in his life and he will call you to his bed indue time, but remember mother / mate matterial is not so easy to bed.

  • I am a Cancer male and have dated Libra women and know of many. The basic thing to remember and this is only from an astrological prospective, libra is an air sign and their interaction with love is ruled by the head. Cancer is a water sign and their interaction with love is ruled by the heart. That's not to say that libra does not have feelings and her love is not heartfelt. What it means is that libra tends to map out the course of her relationship as it fits into the pattern or definition of what a relationship should look like. Cancer, however, is waiting for the feelings and emotions of love to swell up in him until it bursts thrusting him forward to serious committment.

    Therefore, telling him that you needed more quality time bursted whatever bubble of loving emotion he thought you two shared. It made him believe that this love was not unfolding with an escalating buildup of feelings or emotions; but that he was somehow inadequate in his role. You had a duty for him (i.e. spent more quality time with me). So by the conversation, something was missing in the relationship and he was the one gulity of withholding it. Now, instead of building upon a strong sexual attraction, he is in the relationship repair mode that probably felt too familar after his relationship failures in the past. The better way to handle these types of requests is to pose them to him in a way that suggest you want more loving time with him. "I've like to see you this evening, I miss you lips". You know, something that gets him over to your house, but doesn't make it a chore.

    It's natural for the Cancer to reaccess whether he is ready to be in a particular relations. Not because you requested more quality time, but he fears getting deeper into a relationship where it needs to develop based upon some preconceived relationship paradigm instead of allowing you two to be sweeped away by the loving, heated emotions of the heart. Two many time outsiders think Cancers only retreat to prevent themselves from being hurt. Sometimes it's because they don't feel like they are get the emotional intimacy they want and need. Sometimes, it because they don't want to hurt others. Not saying this behavior is ideal; however, it far more sophisticated that "teenage behavior"

  • Wow lawdawg...I understand much better now...thanks!

  • WOW - so much help seriously...

    ladychicory - the decision with the kids was mutual and not his sole decision. We talked about not wanting our toddler girls to get attached to each other or to us and wanting to keep the kids out of the reltionship once it we realized we wanted more than just "friends going on playdates". His ex-wife also put hte gaulent down once she heard her daughter talking about mine all the time and basically threatended him with losing his daughter is he didn't fall in line. So that is what precipitated the withdraw of kids from the picture, not anything else.

    Lawdawg - amazing insight - seriously. He did feel as though he was inadeqaute, but not just because I spoke up about what I needed, which was more qaulity time together, he was feeling that himself. His life is very busy, and financially stressful for him as well, so lots going on in his head. Your words were very helpful though. When we spoke last night, he asked if I had time to come over to BBQ and swim and spend time talking in a couple of days and my resonse was " for you I ALWAYS have time, I'll make the time" - so I hope that is along the lines you are refering to, because it was heartfelt. I had sent him a text message a few days ago telling him how safe, comfortable and relaxed I felt when he held me in his arms and his reply was It felt great being with you too....

    I think he is also scared of falling in love too quickly because that is what happened before and it didn't work, so perhaps it could be waht is happening to him now and he is afraid of that??

    So do Cancer and Libra work in your experience???

  • Sounds right on to me Ladychicory!

  • Well put Lawdawg!

  • After 4 years spent dating a Cancer man, with HIM falling near instantly in love with me, and asking me to marry him soon after we met, HIM planning how many kids we were going to have, I have finally had it with my Cancer male.

    During the whole time we were having this very intense and exclusive relationship (which HE insisted on, at least when it came to me) with plans to marry, he was busy dating, having one night stands etc, behind my back. I figured it all out pretty quickly - I'm kind of "psychic" when it comes to him, anyway. I confronted him about the affairs, gave him hell for them in fact, he swore up and down that none of it meant anything, that I was his "soulmate" and best friend and the only woman who could satisfy him, sexually, spiritually and emotionally, We had so much in common that I believed him. And, forgave him.

    Well, as of today - because I was unable to meet him in California for a 10 day vacation (I have a little girl who became ill with the flu and she was quite sick), he is holding a grudge like nobody else I've ever met. He seems to understand intellectually that my reason for having to cancel at the last minute was legitimate, but is reacting to it like a little boy and is demanding all sorts of proof of "trust" from me. Basically, asking me to jump through his crazy hoops to prove my love and loyalty. He informed me the other day that while he was in California, of course since I couldn't be there, he felt entitled to once again violate the vow of fidelity to our relationship (HIS IDEA AND VOW) and had sex with a few women, one of them stuck (he hasn't told me this yet, though when I told him that I knew I had a "competitor" for his affection, and that I knew I had been replaced for the moment, until I finish "proving" my love to him - typical to Cancer males, who to their credit find lying difficult, he instead did not deny my allegation - which, when it comes to this Cancer male, means I'm right - as past experience has proven to me.

    Yet he keeps calling, though keeps me at a distance - it's hard because we are one another's best friend too which is somewhat separate from our romance. Well, today, I mentioned that I have attracted a new admirer, but had not acted on it. His response was to immediately crawl back into his shell, and the neutral, very annoying tone of voice he uses came out - telling me to go ahead and date the new admirer. There's more to what he's put me through in the past few weeks, all because I was unable to keep our vacation get-together due to my child's illness. It's been a degrading experience for me, and I have been put in the position of begging, proving, and generally made to feel as though I intentionally betrayed our relationship by putting my child first.

    For the past few days, since I told him about the new admirer - assuring him that I had no intention of following through with the invitations to dinner, films etc with this man - he's taken to calling me in the very early morning or middle of the night - he refuses to be with me, to spend the night with me - and I know it's to check up on me, to see whether or not I'm home or have my new admirer in bed beside me!

    Well, I'm done with my Cancer after today's conversation - he blows hot and affectionate, then suddenly turns cold and mean and defensive. I am a Leo and refuse to be treated this way - he's also been extremely verbally abusive toward me in the past few weeks, since I was unable to vacation with him.

    My new admirer is very attentive, and though not perfect in every way (no one is) he listens to me (no, I don't discuss the soon to be ex relationship with the Cancer male) and shows his attraction and blossoming affection for me in many small, simple, yet elegant ways - which I have to admit, as much as I've tried to not let this affect me, he is gaining a place in my heart. He seems to understand, innately, what a Leo woman needs and wants. I am going out with him for dinner this week. The Cancer informed me today that he's "busy" for the next several days, but that I should/am allowed to call him on his birthday (July 12th) - that he expects me to call. As he told me this, I found myself not really caring anymore what his "business" trip consists of (he used to tell me, but didn't proffer much detail about this trip). Though I still love him as my friend and value that, I am basically gone and have given up on the romance. I have told him this several times in the last few weeks, at which point he turns on that Cancer charm, and made sure to offer me what I realized was false hope - he doesn't want me "wandering off" (his term).

    Well, this Leo is going to wander off. Perhaps I am on the rebound in accepting the attentions and the date of my new admirer, perhaps not. I just know that for the first time in 4 years I'm willing to give another man a chance with me, I'm completely open to a future without the Cancer male. And, I will NEVER again get involved with a Cancerian man - despite their many charms and humor and all the good things - when they are bad, they are very very bad, and mean.

    My new admirer is a Sag - there's sparks there that cannot be denied, I felt them when he first approached me a couple of weeks ago. I know and understand the pitfalls of dating a Sag - but at least they don't offend so easily and crawl into a shell when even slightly disappointed!

  • I feel your pain lusciousblush. I am cautious of Pisces men for similar reasons, but I know this isn’t a Sun sign thing. I don’t know that we can pin down any one aspect that’s associated with infidelity. In any case, enough is enough. Enjoy your Sag! and it really doesn’t matter if it starts out on the rebound.

  • it sounds like youare so much better off. I am not sure if what you described in simply cancer or just him - seems just him. My cancer guy doesn't give me any of those impressions, but hell I've learned in this life you never really know, until you know

    You are better off, I dealt with a Taurus (the WORST FOR LIBRA I THINK) and he was demaning, verbally abusive and scary after 3 yrs of marriage I left him and never looked back and am a better woman for it. NEVER deal with being put in the mental space that man put you in - never...

  • Riverofgrass

    I too was with a taurus for 9 years and he was a very jealous and verbally abusive , scary man. I would not take it anymore. Unfortunately he is somewhat still in my life because we had children together. I would never change the fact that I had kids( they are my life) but I wish I would have seen the signs sooner.


    Iam a Leo also and the last 2 men I have been with were both cancers. The recent one was/is my best friend. He did the same thing to me. We started dating and he slept with his old girlfriend. I broke it off right away. But he would not stay out of my life and we became friends again. He talks all the time about things that friends shouldnt talk about and he even said to me he thinks we should start dating again. Ugh, I think it is best to just stay friends. (They are so very hard to find) Let him know thats what you want and nothing more.

  • Hi kmjessica!

    Thank you for your reply -


    Iam a Leo also and the last 2 men I have been with were both cancers. The recent one was/is my best friend. He did the same thing to me. We started dating and he slept with his old girlfriend. I broke it off right away. But he would not stay out of my life and we became friends again. He talks all the time about things that friends shouldnt talk about and he even said to me he thinks we should start dating again. Ugh, I think it is best to just stay friends. (They are so very hard to find) Let him know thats what you want and nothing more."

    Well you have sure hit the nail on the head! The Cancer I had been so in love with, loyal and dated for so long and intended to marry (at his constant urging) did a little more than sleep with an ex - and the first time it happened, Ieft too - we had no contact and didn't speak for near 6 months. Just when I was over missing him (and I found that I missed that easy, fun and just great intimate best friendship more than anything else) , I got an email from him, inviting me to join him on myspace! So, I did, thinking that we could still be friends - and we were! The best of friends once again, but he couldn't leave well enough alone and insisted on renewing the romance -

    Believe me Cancerians can be VERY determined and persuasive when it comes to something or someone he wants. That's where I went wrong. Should've just kept it at the friendship level, which, with a Cancer - since they tend to have very few friends - was wonderful, and, in retrospect, was the most emotionally satisfying part of our relationship.

    However, he could not leave well enough alone. His biggest attraction to me was the fact that after my husband had died in an accident, I'd made the decision to not date at all, that devoting my time and energy to my then infant daughter was the right thing to do. So, I didn't date or have casual flings - no men at all, I didn't want my daughter to attach to someone that wasn't going to be in her life after having just lost her father. The fact that I had made such a decision, plus the fact that my husband had been the first and only man I'd been intimate with was an enourmous turn on for this Cancer male - I was as close to virgin as he'd ever met! He truly treasured that fact, and I loved him for it - he didn't mind my sexual awkwardness and made sure I soon got over it - on the down side, he loved me for this because it gave him a sense of power - "I get to mold you into my ideal sexual mate" , said he.

    This last event, our missed vacation due to my daughter needing me, was a deal breaker as far as he was concerned - which was unfair, since he had been behaving as a loving step-father toward her, since we were soon to be married. Meh, it was hard, but I didn't answer his calls at first, and yes, just as you said, he came back - I'm being unfair I suppose to say that this Cancer man came back to just punish me for hurting his feelings or whatever,

    My daughter missed him, and though I was discouraged enough and angry enough to never speak to him again, I did so for her sake, explaining that he and I were going to be friends only - she should not expect a new daddy in this man - she was accepting of this, since one of the most wonderful qualities in Cancer men is their love for children, their sense of paternal responsibility toward children that are not their own, their love of the sense of "home" and completeness that a child adds to his romantic relationships. Cancer men, once committed, at least to a child, are very protective of them and refuse to abandon what to them is a loving duty to guide and protect.

    HOWEVER, our wonderful friendship, the usual long talks and laughs etc, soon turned him to try and renew the romance - though, I was supposed to earn his love and trust all over again, even though we both knew, rationally, that I'd done nothing to destroy it in the first place. I was confused since he does love my child that he felt betrayed that I needed to put her first and miss our vacation - but I think I've figured it out: he felt betrayed, PERHAPS, that I didn't ask him to cancel his vacation and spend the time with me, helping me take care of my child ( we were going to spend it with his family, meet his sister's new baby) - I didn't ask him to do this because he hasn't seen his family in a very long time, and I felt that I was doing the right thing by letting him visit with them on his own. He was offended and I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't - I don't think this is particular to Cancer, but they do take familial obligations very seriously and he considered/still considers myself and my child as his family too.

    Well, due to his decidely non-familial lack of fidelity and need to cheat during this vacation and then BLAME ME for his cheating - I too say "Ugh" to the whole relationship.

    I'll miss my Cancer's friendship - but he refuses to leave it at that. And, I refuse his demands to "prove" my love and loyalty. It's been a demeaning experience and a huge mistake to make when dealing with a very loyal Leo woman. But, meh, you're right - he'll be back, even after I tell him about my decision to date the new admirer. It'll probably become a issue with him, a project (he just loves projects and the security of goals and planning his future, on his terms).

    But, when a Leo woman does finally decide to leave and her emotions are freed enough to do so, that's it, no turning back. I think this is true for every woman, no matter the sign. However, stripping a Leo of her dignity is a whole other matter, and he crossed the line when he did that. That's my deal breaker.

    P.s. - I just received the freshest dozen White Roses from the local florist - from the Sag, the note said he hoped he wasn't being too forward, but he decided to send them because he is so looking forward to our date this week. Prior to this, he was just around in the background, patiently waiting, it seems. I am, so far, very impressed.

    Thanks for you insightful and very true reply 🙂

  • Lawdawg, your insights are outstanding. I can't speak for Cancer men, but as a Cancer myself, I completely agree with you that reaching and holding this man's heart (or any Cancer's heart) is the key. I have to know I've got a man's love and loyalty 100% before I'd really get life-long serious about him, and I have no problem bearing the pain of a break-up if I feel that I've been let down on that point. (I know, seems so contradictory to my Virgo-man thread, but read closely and it is quite clear I've made no final decisions - time and proof will tell the tale, lol.)

    Lusciousblush, everyone who told you to drop the other dates is right. If you are serious then stop it, because however he behaves on the outside, you can be sure he IS dead serious about being the only one on the inside. Fair or not, whether you immediately get what you want out of the relationship or not, you have to prove something to him now. Cancers need their hearts to feel safe above all else. On the bright side, he IS still around, so he is giving you that chance. You have been given some great advice in this thread and sounds like you're already on a positive new path with your man. Cancers can be a real pain, and difficult to understand, but if you win us over we hate to disappoint the ones we care about and can truly love someone with unparalled devotion. Wish you the best!

  • Oops! My comment in previous post was to riverofgrass, not Lusciousblush. So sorry about that.

    Lusciousblush, again, speaking as a Cancer, my most difficult relationships in this life have been with Leos. "The bane of my exisitence" I call them, although I have the utmost respect for you all. I just prefer to keep my distance. My experience is of Leo's making me feel small in order to put attention on themselves - whether they mean to or not - it's the nature of the beast and probably more my perception than Leo's ever really intending to do harm. Cancer's have enough trouble peeking out of our insecure little shells and a Leo can make me curl up in mine and not come back out for a long time, lol. My guess is that your Cancer sought out other "replacements" simply to sooth his damaged self-esteem. He probably really does care for you, but as you already found, making him feel safe again is an enormous job for you and will probably feel very unfair in the long run, with zero assurance that he won't lapse again the first time you make him feel dejected again. I'm betting you're going to have a much better experience with your new Sag!

  • Jenever 7

    thank you for the post and the encouraging words. he told me today, after some prodding that he didn't like that I was dating, but that was the agreement between us and he accepts it - just as I don't like that he will date, but I accept it and want to give him his freedom and space to figure things out

    he also said he wasn't in a rush - so slow and easy, but i am still going to date. I am not going to wait around for him to figure out he doesn't want me. I do care about him, but he isn't sure and I want him to be sure.

  • KM jessica

    what is it with Taurus men??? seriously I've heard that a few times - same thing.....I have my daughter from that relationship, so I understand and would not have traded her for not having - the relationship - I am fortunate in that he retreated, but she is not in that he retreated....

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