I am at a crossroads and I desperately need advice. Please help me.



  • Please can someone help me.

    I met this guy last year who has proposed to me and I accepted the proposal. His date of birth is 16.4.82 and mine is 18.2.77.

    Unfortunately things have deteriorated between us due to family issues and mainly because he is too immersed in his past to move on. He was previously married and has a daughter aged 1. I love him very much, and I believe he does too but I have some serious concerns because it seems like he doesn't want to move on from his relationship with his ex, he still maintains contact with her even though it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

    Can you please tell me if i should just let go of this relationship and move on?

    I don't know what to do because I am scared that I won't meet anyone who will love me like he does and its getting harder for me now that i am nearing 35, where I am seeing all my friends happily settled, in love and happily raising their children. I feel like my life has grinded to a halt and I am really helpless. I see no hope for the future and I am unable to snap out of this deep depression I have gone under. Its affecting everyone around me and no one wants to be around me like this so i am causing more harm to myself.

    Can someone please help me because I really need it. I have no one to talk to and no one to guide me and I am very distraught.

    I would be most grateful for any counsel.

    Yours gratefuly

    M



  • Misha, doing things out of desperation never works out well. You see this man as your last chance to keep up with your friends and what society tells you you should be doing. No wonder you are depressed. But getting married will not necessarily make you any happier. It's doing what YOU want to do, not what you think others want from you that leads to real contentment. Have you travelled? Tried for a job or work you really love? Followed your passion? Moved to another town or city to try another lifestyle? Have you meet as many different people as you could? When you put yourself out there, you will meet someone special but you have to be hopeful and friendly and willing to show your real self if you want to meet a sincere compatible partner. Depressed people are no fun to be around, as you say. Fear can keep you imprisoned and chained to the one person who might not meet all your needs. You have to be willing to take a chance if you want to meet your true soulmate, not settle for a less compatible person out of a need for security. You have got to help yourself - other people can give you advice but you have to choose to lift yourself out of fear and depression and take action to get what you want. Successful people are not those who never fail - in fact, they fail more than anyone else but they just get up and keep on trying until they get what they want. The secret of being popular is to be more interested in the other person than with yourself. Get out of your own concerns and self-pity, and become concerned about others. Everyone struggles to be liked. And people love to be asked about themselves.

    Your profile tells me that your nervous energy and the things that come out of your mouth at times can drive others crazy and lead to misunderstandings. You must learn to think before you speak if you want to make friends. You tend to resist relationships with people who have a lot to teach you because you have an obsession with being an independent thinker. Instead you choose partners who are safe, who have nothing to teach you except how wrong they are for you. You will definitely marry out of your class or religion though - it's inevitable if you are ever to evolve as a person. You must expand your sphere of awareness and develop an understanding of intercultural relations. You cannot avoid it. Education is your path to liberation and happiness in relationships. Your big lesson is learning to understand other people's point of view, especially if they aren't 'your' kind of people. Don't live safe, live large and joyfully - take risks.

    This relationship works best as a friendship. This guy is not sympathetic or empathic enough of your deep sensitivity and feelings. He may see your social problems quite clearly, understanding that your combination of pessimism and cheerfulness holds you back from deep interaction and involvement. He can either accept you as you are, or risk rejection or being accused of a breach of trust when he tries to push you to express your true feelings and discover who you really are. If your love and affection is won this way, it can lead to a deep, lasting and fulfilling relationship. Or he may choose not to go this way and just back off altogether, finding you too complex or unadventurous for his tastes. In love and/or marriage here, the relationship can demonstrate great calm, especially in times of need. Yet this calm may be an aspect of a curious lack of deep feeling. If so, your barriers Misha will not be breached and the opportunity for you to regain your lost childhood sensitivities and old self will be denied. Also, you won't usually engage in any type of disagreement or conflict with your partner, which although unpleasant would help you to forge a stronger ego for yourself. Thus the kindness and attentiveness of the relationship, though immensely supportive, in the long run may not necessarily advance personal development. It's a shame that this combination in a love relationship does not usually endure, because your partner is strong in the area of relationships whereas you are not, being more concerned with abstract or your own personal issues. If you can stay friends even after the love affair ends, you can still learn much from him. But that's not what you like to do, is it? Try stepping out of your comfort zone once in a while.



  • Thank you I really appreciate you taking the time out to advise me. Your words really hit home and I am intending on working on myself more and hopefully everything else will fall into place.

    Thank you very much again.

    Best regards

    Misha



  • Dear The Captain

    Thank u for your advice you gave me.

    Recently a new person has come into my life. His date of birth is 6 September 1975. Everyone thinks he is much better suited to me and he is much more mature and more on my wavelength however my feelings for the guy I was previously with even though u said he was probably more suited to me as a friend are preventing me from taking this step forward. This new guy has made it clear that he wants to marry me and has been very honest with me and I do have a lot of respect for him and do think he would make a good husband. I don't know if it's my fears preventing me from taking this step forward but I can't leave this guy hanging forever.

    Can you please advise me if he is a better long term partner for me than the previous guy who is still on the scene (his date of birth is 16.4.82)?

    I would appreciate any advice or guidance you can give me

    Thank you

    A very lost and confused individual



  • Misha, you are clinging to the memory of what might have been, rather than what actually was in your last relationship. You had a fantasy of how good things could be if your partner treated you the way you want to be treated - but he fell short of the mark. You have to let go of your dream of a relationship and deal with the fact that he was not a good choice as a life partner for you. It will be much easier for you to find closure and move on if you acknowledge that your fantasy was not a reality.

    With your new relationship, the two of you both have an undeniably independent streak, but your partner will often assume the role of guide to you, and (though you are quite capable of making your way in the world by yourself) you will benefit tremendously from his analytic powers and objectivity. He for his part will not only get tremendous satisfaction out of seeing you - his 'protege' - succeed, but he may also gain renown and financial reward himself in the process. However this does tend to make the relationship more suited as a teacher/student (or father/daughter) type affair rather than an equal love matchup. Within any social group, the two of you will be strongly independent figures but at the same time will depend on your relationship with each other for counsel and inspiration.

    In a love affair or marriage, your partner will show great empathy with your walled-off sensitivities, and vice versa. Both of you know when to be there with a willing ear and a sympathetic shoulder, and when to back off. The great trust that can emerge in such a relationship, however, may not be easily repaired once broken. Never betray a sacred trust and beware of arrogance here. Respect is fragile and easily broken. Elevating someone too highly can be a prelude to their fall so be realistic and not idealistic about the relationship. See each other as real fallible human beings and not mere fantasies. This relationship can be passionate, wilful, and instinctive. With this level of sensitivity and passion, it is no wonder that this relationship can be very fulfilling, at least as long as mutual respect is maintained.

    Is it the match of true soulmates - probably not, but it can definitely be what you need right now to help you get over any lingering bad effects from your last relationship. And it is certainly a vast improvement on the last one.



  • Thank you so much for your advice. You have really helped me gain some clarification and what you have told me is completely true.

    Thank you again. I hope you don't mind me messaging but I really don't have anyone in my life unfortunately as a guide which I really wish I could have especially when faced with such dilemmas.

    I thought I would be better at understanding myself at this age of 35 but I don't feel any the wiser.

    Anyway thank you again

    Best wishes

    M



  • No, you are not a bother. I am glad to help you - whenever you need it.



  • Dear The Captain

    I am still struggling to move on from my past relationship and I don't understand why.

    The guy you said to move forwards with is now no longer in touch with me because I have been taking so long to make a decision. I don't even know if he has moved on or not. Do you think I should contact him? I'm just scared to now because its been a month now since we last spoke.

    I just don't know what the right thing is to do, i'm so confused with my feelings even though my head knows what the right thing is to do, i'm finding it hard to follow through.

    Can you please give me some guidance, I would really appreciate it,

    Many thanks



  • You should contact him if only to get some closure or explanation. By not contacting him because you are scared to know the truth just means you are torturing yourself for nothing.



  • I have been in similiar situations and am learning love loves you back and will come to you if it's meant to be. I'm 40 and am learning it's harder to date as we get older sometimes we have to love ourselves and others will love us as well. You may be living in the wrong element.

    I lived far away in New Jersey for a few years. I felt my life was hell. I had the roommates from hell not by my choice lol. I moved to another area in my state I lived in long ago. After 6 yrs of feeling alone and trapped.. My life is very different now. People are friendlier. I date alot more my overall view because I am happier with myself and life now. You should get involved with people more and work on letting this man be alone and in love with his ex. I am around if you want to chat.


Log in to reply