Hi Shuabby - really need your advice

  • Hi Shuabby,

    I need your advice on several things.

    1. You had given me some really good advice previously on B, the gentleman I'm sort of dating. His job will only get busier in the next few months, and he told me he's not sure when we can really spend time together. He's already less "sweet" and interactive via texting and I don't know if he's 'distant' because he's tired and busy - or if he's just lost interest in me.

    We were recently intimate and I felt closer to him but I really don't know how he feels. We didn't get a chance to talk about it. Although I miss him, I know he's overworked and I am willing to be patient and spend time with him around his schedule - if he really wants to be with me. Are you able to see where he is, as far as I'm concerned?

    If he wants this with me - how can I continue to hold his interest - if we are unable to spend time together for weeks/months. We mostly only keep in touch via texting.

    1. The job is turning out to be nightmare. I'm physically and emotionally drained. Dont' know if it's time yet to make a move, as you mentioned before that this is a stepping stone position. Have a 2 year contract waiting to be signed, and I feel I need to speak to my boss as the role doesn't suit me - and see if the role can be tweaked. But am wondering if speaking to her will make things worse. Should I find something else, and move on? Have 2 friends who have opportunities in their companies.

    2. Health of my Dad and my cat. Am worried about both of them 😞

  • Danceur,

    Hello and I will see what comes to me in answers for your requests.

    B does care about you , but for him his life is his work, I feel he has been very upfront with you and he is exhusted at times and will be short and less attentive because of it. Do not worry about holding his interest as you have it. You will have to make the deceision for yourself if you want a relationship that is long distant and may leave you emotionally unfullfilled.?

    If you were on a job that was less draining than I would certainly say you could handle this relationship with B , but since you are in a nightmare of a job it has become a big question mark for you in being able to maintain this type of relationship.

    The Job: I receive that you need to not proceed with leaving your job until you have looked into the other possibles through friends and I feel that there will be one opt that will really get your attention and may be offered to you. Does one of your friend first name start with an A? As I see the letter A here really clear, perhaps even the name of one of the companies that hold the key for a new beginning for you.

    Health of your Dad: I feel something in his legs. Is it hard for him to get around? He is in need of a make over of the physical kind , his diet and nutrition may need to be overhauled to bring back some energy as I feel his energy is slow and depression is setting in on him. Does he have friends to visit him or even to call and talk to him> If not than if you attend a church ,they offer services for shut ins and this would life his spirits a lot. The church has people call people at home and talk with them to see how they are doing and feel.

    Your cat: Feels like a male energy to me or a cat with some attitude these days. Is this your only cat? As I feel that again there is a lonely feeling for this beautiful animal. Please leave either the TV or radio on and have some catnip toys available for the cat when you leave it . This will help it to not feel alone so much. Is it vomiting? Food is sometimes the factor , changes in their food can sometimes make them sick. I have had cats for over 20 years and these are my findings and suggestions for you in the question about your cat.


  • Hi Shuabby,

    Think you're right. It feels like a long distance relationship even though it isn't. And btw, I see what you're saying. Seems the ball is in my court - even though it doesn't feel like it.

    When we were intimate, I do admit I was expecting him to be a little more attentive. But he became just the opposite, and I felt alone and left behind..and weird. We went physical too soon - but maybe considering the nature of his job and not having enough time - maybe I need to change my mindset a little about what the natural progression should be. Do you get that this is what I need to do?

    Also, if I say I would like to give this a shot, for now, then could you offer any advice on how I can develop a better emotional connection with him? Cos this may help me enjoy him while letting him be.

    Hmmm... holy smokes... one of my friends works in Apple - the A. She asked if I was looking for a job. Very random and yes, it kind of intrigued me. But I am committed to my after work fitness commitments and any job I want to take must be able to align with that. I don't want to sound stubborn, but being at my current job made me realise just how important maintaining a regular fitness regime is. It's not only physical but mental wellness. I became down and unhappy when I was unable to exercise due to work. I'm asking her for more info. But is this the opportunity you feel I should explore? I'm trawling the classifieds too..

    I felt sad to hear that Dad may be feeling depressed. He keeps everything to himself. And we aren't close. He's not as infirm as in your description. He's still working and active in church activities. But I think he is frustrated that old age and related illnesses and limitations are setting in. It scares me to see frailty in someone I've always seen as strong 😞

    Yep he is a male cat and our only cat. I do get that he feels lonely a lot. He does vomit sometimes, but we haven't really changed his diet. I care for him a lot, he's like my little brother. Just wish I could spend more time with him.

  • Hi Danceur,

    In answer to: maybe I need to change my mindset a little about what the natural progression should be. Do you get that this is what I need to do?

    I feel like you have answered this question yourself dear. Yes, that is what you need to do.

    2. Also, if I say I would like to give this a shot, for now, then could you offer any advice on how I can develop a better emotional connection with him? COs this may help me enjoy him while letting him be.

    When a man is all work and little play in which I feel he can be. He is emotionally detached when it comes to falling in love and giving away his heart. He creates a safety zone so to speak for himself. My advise is to be his best friend also not just his lover as he is to you. You will crack his interior this way with true heartfelt acts of giving and sharing.

    Your father is still strong in his mind and does have fears, perhaps that is what I picked up in losing strength physically. He will be taken care of no matter what old age brings to him. Being scare to see your father go through the aging process is natural and these fears will be abated as you accept that this is the natural process we all face with aging, which is not so bad as it may seem.

  • Hi Shuabby,

    Actually on some level, I see him as a playmate, so it's not hard for me to want to be his friend. Just that I'm wary of stepping on his toes, because I can be very playful and cheeky, and I'm not sure he's always ok with that. And he's very private with his thoughts so I can only be there for him and listen to him, when he lets me in.

    When I was thinking about the "A" you mentioned, I realised his company also starts with an A. And he has encouraged me repeatedly to explore a work option there - teaching dance freelance, but of course I have to start with an audition. I am very interested, but I'm only a beginner and I know I'm not good enough. So it freaks me out to even go or an audition. I am also shy, don't know how to teach or choreograph much yet. Plus I am prone to joint injuries so I have hesitated to take dance on a more serious level. Is there any indication that I should pursue his advice and explore dance instruction (maybe later on)?

  • Hi Shuabby,

    This is just a hunch - I think something's not right with B and this other girl R. They used to spend time and I thought (and others also thought) they were together. Whenever I would run into her in the past, she would seem very uncomfortable in my presence, as if she knew I had a liking for B. But I haven't seen her or her with him since I started hanging out with him.

    R is part of group of ladies (good friends) whom he's known for years and it seems he wants to have a separate secret association with me, aside from his friendship with them.

    She is a mutual friend on Facebook and she's made cryptic remarks about how someone's taken her for granted and given empty promises. And giving her the silent treatment. I'm pretty sure she means him.

    My first question is were they romantic/sexual partners? Or just close friends - did she misunderstand things or did he lead her on? Am I the third party - the reason for this wedge between them? Or did they have their own probs?

    I think it's ok if a person decides they would rather be with someone else and they make a clean break. But I'm getting an uncomfortable feeling that it is not settled between them or worse, that I'm a rebound, or only the latest girl on his arm 😞 Or that this is only physical for him?

    This distance after we were intimate is making me disturbed - maybe it happened to her too? He used to tell me he couldn't get enough of me, but now when he's had me, he doesn't miss me as much?

    I have never asked him about his dating history - as I felt he would tell me when he felt comfortable to.

    All of your previous indications are that he is sincere and upfront.

    Should I stand firm on his side - and trust that he is sincere still with me - and wants to be with me - even though there is clearly distance between us lately? Should I be worried that he will also turn on me?

    Could it be that all I have to do, is just continue to be warm and friendly to him and receive him with open arms as when he has a break in his tiring schedule, but also give him his space?

    Apologize for sounding a bit paranoid. I'm trying to shift gears and reframe my expectations and work around his circumstances. And I really need to settle these nagging doubts.

    Shuabby, please let me know what you see. Thanks in advance.

  • Hi Shuabby,

    Bump 🙂

    Am in a tricky situation. He has already made contact and was as friendly as he used to be. However, I'm sensing a lot of it is about missing me physically.

    I feel that he and I do have a connection beyond the physical (hope so). I want to communicate with him. About wanting to develop a deeper emotional connection (trust, communication, respect etc) with him. I want to take things slow with him, and it's slanted towards the physical at this point. I guess it is difficult because we don't have much time together and it's easy to mix up needs. Will he be receptive to me voicing my concerns and expressing my needs - since as you say, he is emotionally detached? Any suggestions on how I go about it?

    And what I mentioned before about the girl, R - it disparages my perception of his sincerity. Just wondering if you pick up anything about it. I do not want to doubt him.

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