Spiritual Boot Camp - Part Three

  • AriesMama, you are asking an irresponsible person to do something responsible. This guy is confused by your request and is not sure how to handle it. True, now he doesn't want the responsibility of having a child but something inside him feels like he may want to know his son in the future. Did you explain to him that he can still see his son should he choose to?

  • I'm worried to. I'm worried about the damage it may cause my son to have an infrequent and unreliable father (as you warned me a while ago may happen). You also said that if he came back to us it wouldn't be for long. I have to squash that hope that deep down he will change in order to move on.

    Mentally, I've worked so hard to distance myself from him, and I feel if he came around it wouldn't be just me that would hurt when he left again. And for my son, it may be irreparable - I can only imagine how it would feel if my own father chose a relationship over me.

    I'm worried for both my son and I. How can I ever trust him again after all the crap he's pulled? I have no way of knowing if he's serious or not...or if he'll just run back to the girl he left us for.

  • AriesMama, you should tell your ex your fears about his son. It may make him put someone else other than himself first if he realizes he could be harming the child by his lack of commitment. I feel like he thinks you are just being vindictive by trying to take his son away.

  • I haven't had much luck showing my emotions to him in the past. It's like blood in the water to him.

    He hasn't even tried to contact me, do you think I could get through to him if I put myself emotionally out there, again this time? I was so angry when I contacted him last, I may have ruined any chance of getting him to see things that way.

  • It's weird he would feel I'm being vindictive, too. He took himself out of his son's life. But people always find ways to justify doing terrible things so they won't feel any guilt.

  • AriesMama, if you get too emotional in person or over the phone, send him a letter or email expressing yourself in a calm objective way.

  • All I've ever been able to do is email him. He's in Europe, and I'm here...and I do not have a phone number to reach him. But I will definitely try! I will let you know how it goes, IF he writes back. He's a huge coward, so he may not.

  • Almost a week later after the second email, and the response I get is "Merry Christmas".

    Looks like I'm going to be doing this without his permission. You were definitely right about asking an irresponsible person to be responsible.

    Oh well, it doesn't ruin my holidays. Just a New Years resolution: fight for my son. 🙂

    I know in my heart he's not coming back, and getting custody won't be that hard. He hasn't shown much interest or any support. Piece of cake.

  • AriesMama, I do feel he will show more interest in the child when he is older (both your ex and your son) but he certainly won't be entitled to it and will have to ask your permission. He will need to explain to his son why he abandoned him.

  • Captain,

    Is ok to ask a question on here re- a dream interpretation here or do i need do a new thread for it?

  • New thread please, Scully.

  • Interesting. I just got a more detailed response, and sent one back but now I'm washing my hands of it.

    Do you feel like that's around the time he will try to come back to both of us? (where he won't stay long if he does) because in his latest response he seemed to get into why it wouldn't work between us, even with the best intentions and even if he wasn't with his current girlfriend he still wouldn't be with our son and I.

    I was confused because nowhere in my email did I say anything about our old relationship or us being together which leads me to believe he's thinking more about it than he leads on. I think he senses that I'm done and am moving on, and is now having second thoughts. Why else bring it up?

    I explained to him that I am only interested in doing what's best for my son, and an infrequent unreliable father is not acceptable. If he doesn't want to be a part of his life, that's fine. But that it is important for our son, and that it wasn't about he and I. And that after this is done I will not contact him anymore.

    I really get the feeling he's reluctant to let either of us go, now. Where I thought it was just our son before. Maybe I've always known that about him though, but we are a priority and not an option and I am NOT putting my life on hold for him. I deserve so much more.

  • AriesMama, he may be a little regretful to let go of you and your son now but it will probably be years before he grows up enough to make a real committed effort.

  • I guess I just know, having a bit more experience with this stuff that he feels like because this girl looks a certain way, he should feel a certain way about her. And he doesn't. Not that he'd ever admit it now. And it confuses the heck out of him. She is also free of responsibility which I can understand is hugely attractive.

    He doesn't seem to understand who he is hurting in all this though, because it isn't me. It's easy enough to find someone who wants to be with me, but my son only has one biological father. And being a (naturally) protective mother I just don't know how to be certain he's serious when he comes back because he's shown he can't handle the responsibility that parenthood comes with. And when I expressed this to him he just took it as me trying to get back with him for some reason, even though I'm the one who stated that I was done and didn't want to know him anymore.

    It's frustrating because we have (well, had) that friendship that is SO rare in relationships, I know you don't stumble across that every day. I don't feel like that with every schmuck I go out with, lol. I knew it was special, and it's unfortunate that he didn't, but at the same time his age comes into play and it's unfair to expect him to settle down and "get it". He'd be miserable. And by the time he does "get it" and realizes what we had...it will be too late for all of us to be a family. I would be hopeful and say "you never know, anything can happen" but hope is almost dangerous at this point. But you can only supress feelings for someone for so long, and I guess that's when I'll expect to hear from him again. That, and his guilt will have caught up to him.

    ill conceived indeed.

  • AriesMama, it's not that you weren't special to him - you were, but he won't realize how special until he has had a lot more experience with other women and loses his fear of being tied down.

  • It's confusing what to do about it though, I have no idea how I'll feel tomorrow, let alone years down the road. Or if I can ever forgive him enough to trust him again.

    And it's probably just as well he's so far away, us being able to see each other isn't exactly a recipe for him being faithful to his girlfriend. It's that unfinished business between us, and I feel like we'd always just end up in bed together no matter the scenerio. Which doesn't help things, all it does is punish her, and get him LAID. Playing us both.

    Knowing that he does that doesn't exactly make me want to get into a relationship either, I know it's hypocritical. But at the same time, I've always known he's it for me as far as men go - I'd like to think women know these things. But years is good, I guess. It gives me time to sort all this stuff out in my head without him here to distract me. It's crazy how strong physical attraction can be, but I know it goes deeper than that for both of us. And our son adds a whole new layer to it. It's not that we can't help it either, we can, we just DON'T.

    And it's good to know I'm special to him too. For so long I thought I was next to nothing to him, and he just used me. Especially after everything took a turn for the worst. It was like a snap of a finger from good to bad.

    Thanks again for helping me sort stuff out Captain. 🙂

  • You're very welcome, AriesMama - relationships are confusing, especially when you have met in other lives before and aren't sure what form your relationship should take in this one.

  • We've met before in other lives?!

  • AriesMama, I believe you were parent and child in another time.

  • I believe I started the first three on another thread so I will attempt to continue on this one.

    4. Look into a mirror and tell me what you see - physical and any other impressions. Note where the lines on your face occur. Try to replicate the expression that deepens these lines. Are they frown signs or laughter lines? Does your face look more or less tense? These lines are a good indicator of the emotions that are most common in you and your life.

    I have crows feet from laughing....I have a line under my chin from being being overweight and the skin sagging. There are lines across my brow that are creases that I think are from thinking too much. The lines do not extend to between my brows so there isn't a lot of deep worry there. My skin is lackluster right now. Kind of dull. It reflects my mood today. My eyes are just there. At times there is excitement and sparkle and at times there is worry and concern. Other times they are just in quiet observation and watchful. So...what can I learn from this observation?

Log in to reply