Spiritual Boot Camp - Part Three

  • Thank you Captain, I hope whatever he does it doesn't hurt the children. I have documented his threatening me, his crazy accusations that I constantly disprove, I made an appointment with a lawyer, I hope this lawyer is honest and not aquainted with them in any way, I have ran into that problem before, I still have to figure out how to afford it as well. I think your right that hes very stressed out, his health is suffering, but I can't help it, he won't be honest and stop attacking us. My boyfriend signed up for attorney services at work for a small fee every month but I don't know if this attorney is that network, my boyfriends cousin is though, he is who I wanted to go to but my boyfriend doesn't want to mix family with law bussiness I guess. The other thing we have to be married for him to use the service for me or the children. He was actually talking about marriage today,a nd even took out a life insurance policy and me as the beneficary, hes never done anything like this before, but he wouldn't really talk about when or discuss any further plans about it, kindev confusing, and the decision of which lawyer to use is tough too, I can't afford to make a wrong decison, and I'm asking for a lot with sole custody, that will take all his decision rights away.

  • I guess I just need a pep talk. 😞

  • AriesMama, you need to be more specific. What's troubling you?

  • I've just been feeling really bogged down lately. My son and I were sick with the stomach flu earlier this week, and yesterday I fell down during my daily 8-9km run and sprained my ankle so I'm bummed out about that because running was what made me feel better. And I found out that my son's father has been lying to me about his whereabouts for MONTHS. He followed the girl he brought here back to her country, and used the money he left here he intended for my son to get there. I sent it back to him believing he was going to use it to get out of debt. And it's just another lie I fell for.

    I'm feeling really stupid, and hurt for my son. Can you imagine if he was old enough to understand all of this?

    I'm working on getting my life on track, and he's off on the other side of the world with no responsibility whatsoever. I know you cannot control someone elses actions, but I can't for the life of me figure out WHY he doesn't care, or even try. I don't know how to seperate myself from it all and move forward.

  • Aren't you really bummed, AriesMama, because this ex of yours who treated you so badly seems to be enjoying himself while you are not? Instead of focusing on what you don't have, try to appreciate the good things in your life - like your son and the fact that you still have good health despite the sprained ankle and can go back to running when you are better. Use this time to rest and refresh yourself and reflect on your many blessings instead of the very few problems you have. Shift your thoughts to appreciating not complaining, to positivity not negativity. Your negativity only hurts you, not your ex. Let him get on with his own life and pay his karmic debts (believe me, everyone's karma catches up eventually), and you just get on with making your life the best it can be.

  • I know you are right, Captain. It's just hard not to let these things affect you, you know?

    I guess I just wanted to know that good things are coming, it would help shift my mindset. Because being so down only attracts MORE negativity to me and I can't seem to dig myself out of this rut.

  • AriesMama, you let go of things when you want to - you just haven't yet completely given up on your ex deep down. The way you talk, it's as if you believe that you don't have the power to change your life to the way you want it. But you do - you just have to believe you can, instead of wallowing in all this self-pity which does you or your child no good at all.

  • Ugh I know 😞 Believe me, I was doing so well before I found all of this out. I think I may need to invest in a therapist to give me some tools so whenever I do find something out like this it doesn't completely derail me.

    And it's true, I invested a lot of my heart in him and it was such a huge betrayl I'm still reeling from the aftermath.

    The best revenge is to live well, right? I just need something to get my mind off of it, and being couped up in the house on the couch is not doing that - but I'm stuck here for a few days at least until I get some mobility back.

    I'm just curious though, if you could give me any advice on how my son is going to take all of this and what I can do or say to him so he doesn't internalize this? I already know enough to never talk negatively about his father, but it's like this ticking time bomb. I don't want him to hurt the way I was.

    And do you see me in a better place in the near future (different mindset about my life included, of course) I just want something to work toward...a light at the end of the tunnel.

  • AriesMama, do you have any hobbies or pastimes that can keep you busy?

    When you talk to your son, you must only do it if you can remain calm and not be angry at his father. Be objective. You don't want to pass your issues with your ex onto his son.

    The future is up to you - whatever you focus on will happen. So if you remain positive, your future will be good. No one can move you to a better place - only you can do that.

    Isn't the real issue here that your self-esteem is hurting because your ex seems to have moved on so quickly? Is all this making you feel unlovable?

  • Yes, I do feel that way. That's why I love running, it makes me feel GOOD about myself - and seeing the results are priceless to my self esteem. When you're left for a 120lbs blonde with D cup boobs, it takes a toll and makes you look at yourself and wonder what you have to offer. But the verbal abuse he doled out really got to me and I still hear him in my head. When I run I sometimes visualize running away from him and his toxicity, toward a better life with my son and a man who loves and values me (while looking smoking hot too, of course! Thanks to all of the running) And enjoying my career. It's just a dream though. It released all those feel-good endorphines too, and it made me a better mother too.

    I think being couped up on the couch even for 2 days has just got me feeling so sorry for myself and throwing this little pity party, and finding that he's followed her and lied to me for MONTHS...just made me have this mini-meltdown, and I've definitely been struggling since. I just don't want my son to hurt from all of this, which feels inevitable. I wish I could take all the hurt on for him. He's such a sweet little boy and doesn't deserve a father who didn't want him.

    From what you've told me, my ex may try to briefly come back into my life...and I need to the tools to tell him to bugger off. And one of those tools is definitely a better opinion of myself, so he can't knock me down. You really need to love yourself for your children, because they cannot benefit from anything less. It's surprising how much self-love and understanding affects every area of your life, and how it suffers without it.

    I took your advice and really focused on all of the blessings in my life before I went to sleep, and probably had the best sleep I've had for a while and woke up to my always happy baby, which heightened things even more. I know all of this is a process, and I'll really have to work at it but if I can work toward feeling like that every morning, it will all be worth it.

  • AriesMama, as long as you make your son feel valued and loved, he will be all right.

    You can keep reminding yourself of all that is good by posting inspiring words or pictures up all around the house (stuck on the fridge, walls, etc and next to your bed). So you will always be presented by a powerful positive image to help keep your spirits up. Put affirmations up too about what you have achieved in your life, how much you have, and how lovable you are.

  • I pray things do get better for Aries mama, I know what its like to feel like your waiting it out.

  • After an hour long meeting with attorney, I know now that I'm not very good at this legal game. I'm mostly shocked that it is such a game, and that the truth doesn't seem to be as valued as the spin put on the truth. I was told I have to "present" this or that this or way or that way, and what will I say if they say this or that? Its all so confusing, why wouldn't I jsut speak plainly and truthfully? we didn't end up hiring them, they came with a ten thousand dollar price tag and we were told it could take a year. I was told I should change custody, but I know my ex won't hit again, not after being invesitgated. I do worry its all going to be one big corrupt mess that will set him free of all charges though, I keep hearing this old song over and over though on the radio, and it catches me attention as if its a sign to keep going, and not back down, thats what it called , Won't back down, but I'm so tired of fighting with them. I was told to ask for change of custody first, then go after the money owed to me, but i was also told I may not get the custody changed , I figured life goes on, my kids should atleast have the money back in the hands where it benefits them, but if I don't pay this crazy amount of money and go after what may not be neccessary then I shouldn't ask for the money either? The one good thing that came of all this, my boyfriend decided hes ready to get married atleast, he wants to have some legal standing since he raised the kids, will this ever end?

  • You won't have to do much more on your end - your ex is about to wind it all up for you. He cannot take much more so hold on, keep your head down, trust and stay calm, and let matters and karma catch up with him. You don't need expensive legal help.

  • Thank you Captain, the lawyers have to be sooo harsh. They tell exactly what the other side will say and do to you on a stand, how they will tear you apart, I wouldn't let my child see him right away, but they are saying since I let him see eventually that he must be innocent. Me ex appealed to me that he wanted to see him so he could fix it , he could make things right, and that it would never happen again. If the abuse had been of another nature or any worse then 3rd degree, ( a bad spanking) I would never have let him see them, and when I told my child this will never happen again, he took it to mean he could resume seeing his father because he wasn't allowed to hit anymore, not you can never see him again, so he begged to see him and forgave him totally. It was hard because I didn't but he never hit him again, he knew better then. Sometimes its very hard to know what to do, and even though he never hit him or even raises a voice to him now, I am told that I still should not have let him see him agian to this day, hes no longer abusive at all to the the kids, but I can tell hes still got issues by the way he treats me. I'm waiting for his new found religion and church going to somehow make an impact on him, it would me, i would want to say "I'm sorry I did the wrong thing and I want to make it right to everyone, not just sweep it under and not hit because I'm not allowed too. I hope whatever he does to blow it won't hurt anyone, do you see that? I don't want his actions to hurt anyone else, I'm wondering if I should keep them away until his appeals is over, even though it would raise a few brows since they've been visiting

  • I meant do you see him being abusive again to blow it? or something else? thank you!

  • bluecat if you want the children to see his father make sure the visit is supervised. Do not expect your ex to apologize or say that he was wrong. My ex did a lot of wrong & he still hasnt apologized right now I am tracking down his new address so I can have child support papers served & I also am trying to locate his HR dept so they can garnish his wages for the child support he has not paid anything since 2008 and he kept moving around but he finally settled in by his mom.

  • Thanks bluecat and Captain.

    Captain, do you see him ever paying me child support? Since he lives overseas it may be difficult. I want to get full custody as well, and wondered if he would make an issue of it or cooperate since we both know he's not in the picture and I just want to get on with my life. And kill that gosh darn hope.

    And I want to know what it is that makes him so cruel and cold, maybe I could understand better and not be so hurt and find it easier to let go? I'm not sure. But his birthday is January 12, 1990...any light you can shed would be greatly appreciated.

  • Yes Ariesmama, I do feel your ex will eventually pay some child support but not for a good while until he grows up and listens to his conscience.

    Your ex wants to be free to do what he pleases, especially with his career and lifestyle. He doesn't want the 'chains' of a wife and child. And to be fair, he is too young to settle down to these responsiblilities. You expected far too much of him too early and now you must bear half the consequences for rushing into all this heavy family responsibility. He hasn't even lived yet - nor have you - so this whole situation was ill-conceived. Your ex is confused by gender issues - he is not sure what his role as a man is yet or what the world expects of him. This is something he will come to understand as he grows older. He also has an unresolved issue with his mother and what he sees as her failure to provide him with the security he needed as a child, so he passes these bad feelings onto you too since you are now a mother. That is why he can be cruel and cold to you - you are the reminder of his mother whom he blames for his problems. He felt that he was forced to grow up and be responsible all too early and now he wants to regain some of that lost childhood and just be free and irresponsible. He just wants a moment's peace from duties and at his age I feel that is only fair.

    To move on, AriesMama, you have to stop blaming him for everything and accept that you both made bad choices. That will help you to feel less like a victim and more in control of your life and future choices.

  • Bluecat, I can feel that you are worried for your children in this situation but you need to be careful because there is also some desire in you to see your ex fail as a father and have his parental rights removed for good. But it's important for your children to see him and to understand that he is trying to be a better father. He does love them in his own confused way and they need to know he cares enough for them to want to see them. You have to learn to see him as their father - quite apart from seeing him as your ex who mistreated you. It all gets mixed up in your mind so that you only see him as your abuser and want payback for his bad treatment. But it's not good for your kids to feel your anger and resentment of their father - you might not express it verbally but they still pick it up. You have to let go of your fears and frustration and anger - for your children's sake and for yours. Leave your ex's fate to the Universe and just do what you need to do and let it be done and over with - with as little rancour and fuss as possible. This all needs to end - and it is not only your ex who is perpetuating it. As long as you have any bad feeling towards him, you are tying yourself to him. Undo the emotional chains by forgiving and forgetting him. Then he will let go too.

Log in to reply