Spiritual Boot Camp - Part Three

  • Ugh, thanks Captain, that's exactly what I needed to hear. I feel a lot better, and that, someday we may get along again...because we were SUCH good friends before this whole mess happened. And I really miss that. I think this whole mess just brought out the worst in us.

    I was blaming myself for not being lovable enough for him leaving. Now I see, him not loving me wasn't the issue at all...I think he cares so much it scares him. And I could see it before he left, too.

    I'm thinking I won't be so cold to him if he tries to come back into our son's life now. But, I'm not going to wait around either. And I'm going to start taking on my share of the responsibility of how things went down, too. I did what I felt was best, and shut him out of the decision. Which wasn't fair at all.

    The mother thing is bang on too, it all makes so much sense now. I think his mother feels a tremendous amount of guilt for the way he grew up, she always says it when we talk and wishes she could have done things differently, but felt like she did what she had to at the time.

  • AriesMama, you go, girl! 🙂

  • I'm really trying 🙂

    I'm determined to get out of this emotional rut. It stinks!

  • Thats very, very true Captain. Sometimes I let go, and he will say something to put me right back to being crazy angry and wanting him out for good, but then I remember that at some point life had to go on, and we had to move on from what hes done. I hate having to take him to court for the financial aspects but asking him to do the right things hasn't really worked so far. I do want to let go, because its consuming, I really do think the charges scared him enough to not hit them anymore, but I still feel like he needs to go to his own therapy. My child has to be in therapy too. I'm very worried about him, I was looking at his fb and he is so mixed up socially, hes bright, very but,he just can't seem to grasp how to communicate and get along with other kids, he just blurts out anything and they all think he so rude, I've caught him telling friends that if they weren't going to be nice to him he would hurt himself, but he told me he would never do that. He was also telling someone in pm's about the abuse, but he then told them he didn't want to think or talk about it. I can't get him to open up about how he really feels about anything, if he understands himself either. The doctor prescribed adhd meds, sleep meds, depression meds, and something else, i don't even know, he refuses to take them and I don't force him too, hes so angry, he acts angry at me all the time, but then he says hes sorry hes not really mad at me, I wonder who he is mad at? and how can I get through to this impusive child? Hes a capricorn, Jan 14th, and hes 12, I know we are suppose to be on opposite ends , but he is very emotional , I wish I could figure out all his problems and help him solve them, hes obessesive about his hobbies and won't even consider anything else, so hes always being tested for some condition or another

  • Bluecat, your son has a sense of low self-worth and low self-esteem, no doubt from the way his father treated him and also he has probably picked up some of your own lack of confidence. He must learn to release his insecurity and believe in himself. Self-acceptance and self-assurance are his life goals. He has an unusual personality and has always known deep down that he is different to other kids but he doesn't know why. He is not sure he truly belongs or is loved. Though he may have accepted that he is unusual, he may not have made peace with it. But he can be very charming when he tries and is quite a social person at heart, though he may form rather superficial relationships in the hope of blending in and receiving the approval of his peers and their acceptance that he craves.

    He does in fact make a good friend to others. Once he has successfully grappled with the pain of feeling separate, there will be little that shocks or frightens him, so he will acquire the knack of making people feel accepted for who they are. But he will rarely let anyone in too close and may not remain in intimate relationships for very long, for fear that his idiosyncratic nature will be discovered - and rejected - thus fulfilling his worst fears. The best thing you can do is to teach him that being different is very good - give him examples of famous people who have marched to the beat of their own drummer, for example. People who think differently can end up as leaders or inventors or pioneers.

    Your son has an innovative and lively mind (he doesn't think like most people) and gets easily bored, so make sure he has plenty of stimulation and activity. He mustn't retreat from life and people out of fear, either - his main challenge will be to build up the depth of experience that creates self-confidence. He may try to hide his secret feelings of insecurity and inferiority under a mask of competence, focus, and dedication - yet curiously enough, it is that same impulse to 'keep it together' that will work to his advantage sooner or later when he realizes that his 'mask' has become reality and that there is in fact nothing lacking in him at all. Once freed from fear, he will be able to better embrace his own rather outrageous and eccentric side and show his uniqueness to the world.

    Rest assured, Bluecat, your son will attain a much-improved level of personal confidence and some formidable leadership skills in the course of his life journey. If he can learn to be more tolerant of life outside the mainstream (at his age now all he wants to do is fit in with the mainstream but he should come to appreciate being different from the crowd as he gets older) his high principles, ambition, and sense of purpose will come to the fore to help him achieve every dream that he has.

  • Thank you Captain, that brings me to tears, because thats all I;ve ever wanted for him. I wish he knew how loved he really is, I think when my anxiety was at its worst he may have felt like he had t be the adult or something. I've really worked on taking that role back and trying to discpline and guide him to be the best person I know he can be. He had to have blood owrk yesterday for feeling fatigued, I didn't think they would find anything, but they did, they said his thyroid levels were abnormal and we have to go to the specilist to follow up. I hope and pray hes okay, thy said it cuold be brought on by stress, a virus, but we don't know yet. He stood up to his dad today, all three of them did, now I'm at a total loss. My ex wanted them for the holiday this week, and all but the youngest agreed t go, but at the dr's today the staff told me in front of my child that his dad hadn't helped pay his hal of the bill, my son shouldn't ahve heard but he did and he realized why I'm stressed out and have to tell him no on some things right now since I have to pay both halfs, then his dad told him if all three children didn't go then no one would be welcome, so all of my children said they wouldn not go. My ex told me I had to make them go, put them in the car and bring them because its my job to make them. I said No. I would not force them if they didn't want too, and that he needs to be more humble and figure out why they don't want to go. I feel torn because I don't want to teach them to disrespect their father, but I wonder why their father feels he can force everyone into what he wants instead of natural persuasion? we agreed to let them choose where they would go this holiday, but they dchanged their minds when their father threw a fit about the little one wanting to stay with me. my daughter ( the taurus, her mind is set) lol, I can't change it, but if I force her, the wrath and fury will come back at me because she won't disrespect him. I wish he were the father that made it easier for me to say "yes you have to go", but I just don't feel he is:( I wish I knew what the right thing to do was because he will of course lie and tell his family I wouldn't let them, when infact I just chose not to force them on his behalf, is tht the same thing?

  • Bluecat, you know you did the right thing by letting your children choose for themselves - why do you always second-guess and doubt yourself? Your ex has brought all this on himself yet you end up feeling guilty and anxious. That's for him to wear.

  • And you should let your son read what I wrote about him - it might make him feel better to know his troubles will pass.

  • Hi Captain,

    i have been wanting to say so much for days, i just didn't know how to start., get the start point as my head so rumbled.

    Today i looked back at he what do you really want thread.

    I see how you meant now about having balance and going with the flow.. since doing tarot the number eight means balance, and i can finally see that, have or try to balance all areas of your life not solely focus on the love relationships part forget the other important bits too.

    Im still not sure its approval i needed, but i think it maybe more my family's disapproval i feared.. I have been standing up to my view and not weakling too much, also i learnt how to come across confident and firm in those convictions.

    The un healthy adults..

    My Cousins wedding was it, i looked on for a while and came too see, how emotionally healthy they are, got relationships friends., / there parents the youngest sisters but its there, i feel so happy to be re-connected to them.

  • Good for you, Scully - you are making great strides in your self-development. You will be rewarded in so many different ways as your life improves.

  • Thanks, Captain, I never thought of that, thats a great idea, thank you:) He is very much into religion right now, hes found his dads church family youth group to be accepting of him, they aren't so quick to point out his differences anyway, he told me church was his stepmothers idea, it seems to be doing him some good. I would take them here again, I've come a long way away though, I loved church when I went but I didn't always feel like I could be be my total self, and my boyfriend now won't ahve anything to do with organized religion. With my daugter I never really have to explain myself or why I belong on here for instance, she probably will be too one day, but the boys, I always wonder if they will judge me because of one mindness they might get at the other household. Sometimes my son is offensive to others I hate to admit it but I will log on to his fb and apologize because he really doesn't see how other kids don't like to be to told they are stupid, or wrong, he just speaks exactly whats on his mind in such a negative way, hes been butting heads with my boyfriend latley too, and thats been so sad, because I wish he could see that hes so committed to them. He starts therapy again next week, I'm always worried about what hes going to say about us, because he rarley accepts any responsibilty for his part in problems:( I wish I knew why I second guess my self so much, I do that about everything, I am constantly wondering if I made the right decisions with every little thing, I am always so afraid of making mistakes, but at the same time I feel like they are mine, and its my job to take care of them, I hear other people say they don't hesitate to get the belt or smack their kids when they are bad, but we don't, my boyfriend feels like a father to them , but frustrated because he feels like he can't discpline them either, yet they disprespect him so bad, he has every right too, sometimes I don't understand that.

  • Actually Bluecat, your boyfriend has the right to discipline the kids as any adult would with disrespectful children. When he punishes them, he can explain he is not trying to replace their father - though he loves them as his own - but that he demands that they treat him as well as any human being deserves to be treated.

    Try and get your children to put themselves in the other person's place - for example, ask your son how he would feel if someone told him that he was stupid or wrong. That is how we learn to empathize.

  • Thanks Captain, your right. Empathy is something that comes and gos and with him, its his challenge, he defintly doesn't think like others but he feels so much when others respond to what he says and does, he doesn't look at it the other way around, and hes a type of ocd blurter, he feels he must say whatever comes to mind, he doesn't understand the difference between passing thoughts and what has been thought through and ready to express, I'm hoping he will learn that somehow, the other kids seem to bring out his defenses, he never sees he literally started it. My boyfriend isn't the spanking type, but he waits till he gets so mad and has been walked all over, then he will, then he will get emotional and tell them he really doesn't understand why they go out of their way to bring out anger he didn't even think he had before them. My daughter got him in trouble once at school, she had her brother in a headlock, and she wouldn't let go, and we tried to seperate them she swung around and I got hit, so he swatted her bottom, and she told her school counslor. Her teacher didn't even agree with the counslor, she tried to explain to her that my boyfriend has raised the children, but the woman was so judgmental, she said "you shouldn't let a boyfiend spank your child". I told her hes not the 5th one I've had this year, hes the only one I've had and they don't remember the time before him. I was so caught off guard I didn't defend myself, but if she ever tells me again what to do or not to do, she will get a different side next time. I found a very simple answer to a lot of it while reading a simple daily i ching:) Grace and Beauty. Except I knew it was more about the grace. The grace we have for others, and the grace God has for us. I explained to the kids that I have a lot for grace for my boyfriend, and less so for their father, and that as they grow up, they will learn who they have grace for naturally as well, because those are the people I beileve are the ones that are the opposite of the ones brought into our lives to totally challenge us, and push us to forgivness, the people we just naturally seem to extend grace to in times of mistakes just seem to naturally deserve it more somehow, depending who they are to us. They seem to have more grace for their father for instance, and I try not to persaude it, but I let them know a couple of reasons why they shouldn't disrespect their future stepfather, things I didn't really plan on them knowing, but they asked for it, I asked if they had any memory of our previous home , and they did, and they asked what happend to all of their things, and I finally told them the truth, one day I came home and their father had taken all of our belongings and moved them out of our home, and took my reliable car, and replaced it with an older , unreliable one, then the threatend and badgered until I signed over our home to him, then he sold it to his friends, bought himself all nice new everything, and us? they didn't remember ,but they did remember the storage unit their father and thrown all of things in, and how glass was everywhere, and mice had gotten in, and how my boyfriend came to help us move out what we could keep into his house. I told them he had taken us in, and when it was time for us to move to our own place again, he told me he wanted us to here with him instead, and thats how we became a family. I think they sort of got it after hearing some harsh truths and didn't see him as the ogre they nicknames Shrek thats always yelling.

  • sorry for all the typos, I need to replace some glasses badly:)

  • Instead of getting mad and yelling and spanking, your boyfriend could try removing the children's privileges, like the phone or TV or internet or just grounding them. Kids these days hate to be cut off from their friends and the world.

  • Thats what I do, it works mostly, he just lets it build it up, and I think we try to reason with them to much, they don't always get reason yet.

  • Is there something in the air today? I feel like I've picked up hitchhiking energy or something that I seem to just know isn't all mine, just like a sponge today

  • Probably your empathic ability kicking in.

  • Gosh, can I ask for some Reiki healing or whatever for my bruised tailbone? I slipped over and fell on my bottom (which is probably the best place to fall) but now my coccyx is really excruciatingly painful every time I move. There's nothing the doctors can do - I just have to rest it and ice it. Pain-killers don't seem to do anything.

  • I will pass the reiki request on to those I know that are skilled at this for you!

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