16-year relationship to an end?

  • Me: Male Scorpio

    My wife: Female Taurus

    Miss. L: Female Leo

    It is a long story, so please be patient and

    read every detail what I am going to say.

    I am a 35-year-old man, and just got married

    2 weeks ago with my first-love partner. We

    met at university in 1995, and started living

    together since 1999. We have no children.

    In January, I suggested to her that we would

    get married this year. But just 3 days

    after wedding, my life changed. For taking

    16 years before deciding marrying her, I knew

    something was not right years ago. But I just

    did not know what to do with this

    relationship. The marriage now forced me to

    rethink the relationship with my wife,

    because Miss. L appeared 4 years ago.

    Miss. L is a work colleague. We have been

    working together for years. We have the same

    line manager, but our works are not related

    (no conflict). When she first joined us, I

    already felt the attraction towards her. The

    longer we worked together, we knew each other

    more and better. We have many similar

    interests. I think she treats me differently

    from other colleagues, e.g. she bought me

    something I liked after we talked about it

    earlier. In an close office, three of us

    (including a 45-year-old married female

    colleague) talked about our families and

    friends all the times. We know each other

    quite well.

    My close colleagues (including Miss. L) and

    my boss all attended my wedding day 2 weeks

    ago. Due to our workload, we did not go to

    honeymoon. I returned to work 3 days later.

    Then my newly married wife started a quarrel

    with me by texting me (family-related

    matter). At that moment, it changed my

    perception about my new marriage life. The

    wedding was just to complete a 16 years long

    relationship, nothing changed in my life. My

    wife, previously my partner, is simply a

    family member, like my parents and brother.

    I have not felt any love from her for at

    least 7 years. But the feeling of love from

    Miss. L has been growing for years.

    When Miss. L and I went out for lunch, she

    told me that her whole family had helped on

    my wedding cake. Her dad collected the cake

    from the shop, her mum made a table cloth,

    and her sister and she made the pink roses on

    the cake. I was speechless.

    Before I left work on that day, I told Miss.

    L about my problem with my life and also

    mentioned to her that “a girl” had been in my

    heart for some time. But I did not tell

    Miss. L who she was. I asked her for advice.

    She said to me the decision on my marriage

    should be made without considering the other

    girl, and I should not tell that girl about

    it. It would make her feeling guilty for

    breaking up a marriage.

    Miss. L had some bad experience before. When

    she was about 23, her partner left her only

    one week before their wedding. Their house

    was sold and she bought a flat. She then had

    a boy friend, but the relationship did not

    last longer either. Her sister also ended a

    relationship last month, after living with

    her partner for 5 years. Miss. L has been

    single since, and no doubt she is now very

    cautious about love relationships.

    Three days later, I asked Miss. L what that

    girl would think about me if I end my

    marriage for her in the future. Miss. L

    again didn’t give any clear advice (or

    answer). She was more nervous and uncertain

    this time. I asked if the girl would

    consider me selfish to end a long

    relationship without trying to save it first.

    Miss. L said she wouldn’t know. She never

    gave me definite answers to my questions. In

    the end, she told me stop thinking about it

    and try fixing the problem.

    I then spoke to my uncle at that weekend. He

    said if I didn’t miss my wife when she was

    away from me and not coming back, then we

    wouldn’t have got married in the first place.

    He was right. In the last few years, when my

    wife was away for 2 weeks each year, I was

    alone at home and did not feel missing her

    much. Then I realised that I should have

    made the decision to split up long time ago.

    I also decided to tell Miss. L everything.

    In the following Monday morning, I told Miss.

    L that I had a conversation with my uncle,

    and had some valuable advice from him. I

    said I lost the feeling of love with my wife

    and did not miss her when she was away. But

    I missed her as soon as she left work last

    week, and she was that girl. I told her what

    I felt being with her. I even took the plant

    she gave me last year, to show her it didn’t

    happen just after the wedding. Miss. L said

    I looked bit strange on Friday. As she

    already said to me before (when she didn’t

    know she was that girl), she shouldn’t be the

    factor when I make the decision. So after I

    told her, she said it would not be possible.

    But I still felt that she had to say that

    because: (1) I have to leave my wife for

    knowing that I may not be accepted by her in

    the future; and (2) she does not want to be

    the person for breaking up my marriage, and

    feel guilty in her life. Miss. L also added

    that we would still be friend and be in touch

    even if we don’t work in the same company in

    the future. In the end, she said she would

    not change how she sees me, and still happy

    to listen to me.

    On Tuesday, I was back to my office. We had

    more conversation in the morning before

    others turned up. I explained to Miss. L

    that I would have married my wife 10 years

    ago, and the problem could still happen

    today. It was just the timing of the

    wedding. The wedding made me truly realised

    the problem. I said I would tell my wife

    after Christmas/New Year (trying to tell her

    my decision had already been made). Miss. L

    agreed that 3 months should give us enough

    time to think. She said I shouldn’t wait for

    her, and she said even her sister said

    sometimes she would be difficult to live

    with. I said I wouldn’t find someone like


    On Wednesday, I was in the office in the

    morning. I said to Miss. L that the time of

    separation could come sooner after my wife

    asked me what problem I had. Because I

    always looked upset and usual routines

    changed after the wedding, i.e. going to bed

    at 22:00 (23:30 before), and getting up

    before 06:00 (06:30 before), lost appetite,

    etc. My wife also asked me if I regretted

    getting married. Miss. L said to me I must

    not split up in response to my wife’s

    reaction, i.e. telling her that I’m leaving

    and packing up without full preparation (was

    Miss. L helping me?) I said to Miss. L that

    I understood why she said what she said to me

    on Monday. I had to make up my mind without

    her being involved in my decision. She said

    things could change, and no one would know

    what would happen. Miss. L also added that

    if I could not maintain the normal

    relationship with my wife from now to

    January, it would be better to leave her now.

    Because my wife would not be happy to live

    with an unhappy man. I also said to Miss. L

    that I could not tell my wife about her when

    the time comes. She agreed.

    I was back in my office on Friday, everything

    was fine and normal. Old colleague brought

    the wedding photos back. Everyone (including

    Miss. L) was looking at the pictures on my

    laptop. The feeling was odd. I did not say

    anything, because I didn’t want her to think

    that I just kept talking without taking any

    actions. I had already told her I would do

    it for her. She was okay, and I even waited

    for her to leave office together. In the car

    park, Miss. L even asked me where I would

    work on Monday, but I had already mentioned

    it to someone earlier when she was there.

    Was she trying to confirm it?


    • Should I do something to save the 16-year

    relationship with my wife?

    • Does Miss. L really see me just a normal or

    good friend/colleague? Will a normal/good

    friend/colleague pay that such attention to


    • Did Miss. L really mean the relationship

    between her and I was not possible when she

    said that? Do most women say things that are

    not normally the truth? Or did she try to

    avoid herself in my decision making?

    • Miss. L has not treated me differently

    after I told her. At this stage, should I

    expect nothing more or less from her even she

    is interested?

    I think I can only find out the answer after

    I end my marriage. It will be much

    appreciated if someone (especially girls) can

    help me to interpret my story and advise me.

    Thank you.

  • Dude ! You are so screwed !! Thank you for that story, you just confirmed why I'm sooo happy to be a single male. OK, here's my advice. Just so you know, I'm a male, Scorpio and working on a MA in Psychology.

    If I was you, and I'm so glad I'm not, but, I did have a 3 year affair when I was married, so no one is judging you. I do rememeber the pain it caused everyone. You need to minimize the pain this is going to cause so many people. You need to think of the repercussions this is going to cause so many people. Those people are; your wife, her family, your colleagues and Miss L. Not to mention what it's going to cause Miss L !!! That is going to be the key.

    Dude, you need to step back and be real careful, because you're going to be the one who's going to get burned. This may not have a happy ending, you know, like a Disney movie, it's going to bemore like The Lion King when everyone cries at the end. Here's some scenarios. First, are from the US or England, I read some words that sounded like they British.

    1. First, you need to back off Miss L,. You need some major time to consider all your options. From experience, Miss L will NOT be around when this is over. If you leave your wife, this will put too much pressure on her. Remember the ramifications that will occur at work. I'm sorry dude, but the dynamics will change in so many ways.

    2. Meet with Miss L and explain to her that youre going to need time. During this time you will consider your options, because youre making promises to her right now and you really dont know how this is going to end up. These promises are putting pressure on you and her. Let me tell you. If you screw this up, Miss L will be against you as well. Plus, how can this relationship possibly ever word after the terrible thinbg you just did by getting married. No sir, in the universe and the cospmos, youre not going to decide to leave your marriage and inot the warm bed and loving arms of Miss L. It doesnt work that way. You need to put her to the side as you decide. Believe me, she wil be there when this is over, if she isnt, well thats the way it goes.

    3. You need to decide what to do, either leave your wife or stay. Maybe it will work out. Where would you be if Miss L wasnt in the picture?? Youd be married and doing ok. If you decide to stay, then put Miss L out, end it like a man. Then work on your marriage for a year. If that doesnt work out and you know deep in your heart it was a mistake then ok, at least you gave it your all. Dude, do you know how bad you look if you walk out on your wife right now. Besides, have ever talked to your wife about how she feels. Youre being very selfish here and I believe that youre the one who always wanted Miss L and who wants to leave your marriage. As a Scorpio, I would stay where the nay nay is ready and available. LOL !! You think Miss L is going to give it up when this starts to get out in the open. Dude, you both may lose your jobs, or you, or her...who knows but man are you playing with fire.

    4. If you talk to your wife and you both decide it was a mistake. Then you make the announcement to firends and family, I'm sure youre not the first bloc,( is that British, LOL) who made this mistake. Another question, did your wife FREEZE the wedding cake and is it in your freezer where you discuss it all day long. Have you and your wife gone over the pictures and was she very happy and all you can do is think of Miss L. Man, you screwed up big time !! Again, thank you, I'm so glad its not me. If you and your wife decide to split, then do it as adults. Then, move out and get your own apartment, or flat, Then settle down a bit to see how things are going. If Miss L is still around then you can start seeing her if you both agree and then see what happens. Thats if things are still the same.

    You got cold feet, you think your life is over because you got married and you wont have the excitement from Miss L so your running to Miss L. Question, have you had sex with MIss L, anything physical, did you meet, kiss, hug, have oral sex or any sex????? It sounds to me that you have.

    THINK ABOUT YOUR WIFE !!! You just got married ! What the hell were you thinking....I know youre in a panic right now and thats dangerous. This is not a good place to be, you need to seperate from people and think this through. If you dont, this will not work out. You may lose both woman, but, if you only have a wedding cake invested in Miss L, and 16 years with your wife, DUH !!!! Are you insane ??? Got back to your wife and work this out, be a man and stop being a selfish baby who wants to lick the cake icing...That was a sexual pun !!! Thank you, I thought that was good as well...

    This is a very serious situation in your life. If you are NOT careful, this could ruin you because you'll be the one to blame from everyone.

    Last scenario, if you did bonker Miss L, and it was amazing, though I've been intimate with a Leo but never a Tauras and I wasnt that crazy over the intimacy with the Leo, it got old and un-exciting. But if it was awesome, then work on getting her back. But do it like a man and she will need to understand and wait for you. A Leo will wait, they are loyal. But I would conside the last option.

    You lose both woman, and your financially ok after the smoke clears. Dude, ots party time for you. You need some major stress relief. I would work out, trim down, buy some new clothes and go out and meet some of these amazingly attractive woman that are all about nay nay..Its a good time to be single, thank you internet. There is so much out there that once you hook up with a sexy and beautiful female, well then, it was all worth it...Think about me dude, I will be out there surrounded by beuatiful single and married woman competing, just because they do, for me !!!!!

  • Scorpio777

    You're emotionally disconnected from your wife. Seven years is a long time. My advice to you, end it! But do not end it drastically. It has to be a gradual process. Your wife is a Taurus. We don't adapt very well to sudden changes. Attempt this, and she will go bat-sh^t crazy! When you tell her that you're contemplating a divorce, she may try to fight for you. Bulls are very possessive by nature. But we're also very practical, logical, and can be emotionally strong people when a crisis occurs.

    1. Have a heart-to-heart discussion about the marriage. Use logic. Less emotion. Tell her you're unhappy. You felt this way for 7 yrs now.

    2. Suggest marriage counseling.

    3. If there is no chance for a reconciliation, file for a legal separation.

    4. Give her an opportunity to re-prioritize her life.

    5. She will begin to accept it, we're emotionally strong individuals. She will feel sad, but in time, she will move on. She's a Bull!

    If you are thinking about reconciling with her in the future. It will not work. Once our hearts have moved on, we're done. Bulls don't regress. We move forward.

    As for how to proceed with Ms L (the Leo)....

    A Leo woman will have to help you with that one.....

  • This post is deleted!

  • Thanks, Phoenix. I am from UK. I haven't had or started any kind of relationships (love and sex) with Miss. L. You're right. I shouldn't have told her about my feeling with her. But because Scorpio is so emotional, I couldn't wait to tell her how I felt. Now I have given Miss. L (female Leo) a hope. Fortunately, she has more experience than I have. Both my wife and myself were first boy/girl friend (at the age of 20), first partner, then first husband/wife. We don't have experience of ending a love relationship before.

  • Thanks, FemmeFatale and newsI14ng. I will use the time from now to early next year to handle my relationships with my wife (Taurus) and Miss. L (Leo). I will keep Miss. L away from my problem. As others said, I shouldn't give her more pressure.

  • Scorpio777, what is with you Chaps ? I thought all English men were gentleman? LOL ! LOL means laughing out loud just in case you dont know that. Don't be another Prince Charles and the story of Diane and Camille ! I'm kinda getting a whole perspective on you Brits. And all the while I thought you guys just saw us as Yanks. Well, we've always had a history with each in helping one another out. You gave us The Beatles and Led Zeppelin, we gave you Michael Jackson and the iPad.

    Seriously Mate, step away from Lady L, and give your marriage some time. We in the staes have an old saying, dont make a permanent decison, in a temporary situation. Give your new bride some time and consideration, she deserves that. If you decide you need to leave, give her the benefit of the doubt and respect her and do it slowly, get some counselling, seperate first, and if this doesnt work, then move forward. I wish you all the best. Tally Hoe !!!!

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