16-year relationship to an end?
Me: Male Scorpio
My wife: Female Taurus
Miss. L: Female Leo
It is a long story, so please be patient and
read every detail what I am going to say.
I am a 35-year-old man, and just got married
2 weeks ago with my first-love partner. We
met at university in 1995, and started living
together since 1999. We have no children.
In January, I suggested to her that we would
get married this year. But just 3 days
after wedding, my life changed. For taking
16 years before deciding marrying her, I knew
something was not right years ago. But I just
did not know what to do with this
relationship. The marriage now forced me to
rethink the relationship with my wife,
because Miss. L appeared 4 years ago.
Miss. L is a work colleague. We have been
working together for years. We have the same
line manager, but our works are not related
(no conflict). When she first joined us, I
already felt the attraction towards her. The
longer we worked together, we knew each other
more and better. We have many similar
interests. I think she treats me differently
from other colleagues, e.g. she bought me
something I liked after we talked about it
earlier. In an close office, three of us
(including a 45-year-old married female
colleague) talked about our families and
friends all the times. We know each other
My close colleagues (including Miss. L) and
my boss all attended my wedding day 2 weeks
ago. Due to our workload, we did not go to
honeymoon. I returned to work 3 days later.
Then my newly married wife started a quarrel
with me by texting me (family-related
matter). At that moment, it changed my
perception about my new marriage life. The
wedding was just to complete a 16 years long
relationship, nothing changed in my life. My
wife, previously my partner, is simply a
family member, like my parents and brother.
I have not felt any love from her for at
least 7 years. But the feeling of love from
Miss. L has been growing for years.
When Miss. L and I went out for lunch, she
told me that her whole family had helped on
my wedding cake. Her dad collected the cake
from the shop, her mum made a table cloth,
and her sister and she made the pink roses on
the cake. I was speechless.
Before I left work on that day, I told Miss.
L about my problem with my life and also
mentioned to her that “a girl” had been in my
heart for some time. But I did not tell
Miss. L who she was. I asked her for advice.
She said to me the decision on my marriage
should be made without considering the other
girl, and I should not tell that girl about
it. It would make her feeling guilty for
breaking up a marriage.
Miss. L had some bad experience before. When
she was about 23, her partner left her only
one week before their wedding. Their house
was sold and she bought a flat. She then had
a boy friend, but the relationship did not
last longer either. Her sister also ended a
relationship last month, after living with
her partner for 5 years. Miss. L has been
single since, and no doubt she is now very
cautious about love relationships.
Three days later, I asked Miss. L what that
girl would think about me if I end my
marriage for her in the future. Miss. L
again didn’t give any clear advice (or
answer). She was more nervous and uncertain
this time. I asked if the girl would
consider me selfish to end a long
relationship without trying to save it first.
Miss. L said she wouldn’t know. She never
gave me definite answers to my questions. In
the end, she told me stop thinking about it
and try fixing the problem.
I then spoke to my uncle at that weekend. He
said if I didn’t miss my wife when she was
away from me and not coming back, then we
wouldn’t have got married in the first place.
He was right. In the last few years, when my
wife was away for 2 weeks each year, I was
alone at home and did not feel missing her
much. Then I realised that I should have
made the decision to split up long time ago.
I also decided to tell Miss. L everything.
In the following Monday morning, I told Miss.
L that I had a conversation with my uncle,
and had some valuable advice from him. I
said I lost the feeling of love with my wife
and did not miss her when she was away. But
I missed her as soon as she left work last
week, and she was that girl. I told her what
I felt being with her. I even took the plant
she gave me last year, to show her it didn’t
happen just after the wedding. Miss. L said
I looked bit strange on Friday. As she
already said to me before (when she didn’t
know she was that girl), she shouldn’t be the
factor when I make the decision. So after I
told her, she said it would not be possible.
But I still felt that she had to say that
because: (1) I have to leave my wife for
knowing that I may not be accepted by her in
the future; and (2) she does not want to be
the person for breaking up my marriage, and
feel guilty in her life. Miss. L also added
that we would still be friend and be in touch
even if we don’t work in the same company in
the future. In the end, she said she would
not change how she sees me, and still happy
to listen to me.
On Tuesday, I was back to my office. We had
more conversation in the morning before
others turned up. I explained to Miss. L
that I would have married my wife 10 years
ago, and the problem could still happen
today. It was just the timing of the
wedding. The wedding made me truly realised
the problem. I said I would tell my wife
after Christmas/New Year (trying to tell her
my decision had already been made). Miss. L
agreed that 3 months should give us enough
time to think. She said I shouldn’t wait for
her, and she said even her sister said
sometimes she would be difficult to live
with. I said I wouldn’t find someone like
On Wednesday, I was in the office in the
morning. I said to Miss. L that the time of
separation could come sooner after my wife
asked me what problem I had. Because I
always looked upset and usual routines
changed after the wedding, i.e. going to bed
at 22:00 (23:30 before), and getting up
before 06:00 (06:30 before), lost appetite,
etc. My wife also asked me if I regretted
getting married. Miss. L said to me I must
not split up in response to my wife’s
reaction, i.e. telling her that I’m leaving
and packing up without full preparation (was
Miss. L helping me?) I said to Miss. L that
I understood why she said what she said to me
on Monday. I had to make up my mind without
her being involved in my decision. She said
things could change, and no one would know
what would happen. Miss. L also added that
if I could not maintain the normal
relationship with my wife from now to
January, it would be better to leave her now.
Because my wife would not be happy to live
with an unhappy man. I also said to Miss. L
that I could not tell my wife about her when
the time comes. She agreed.
I was back in my office on Friday, everything
was fine and normal. Old colleague brought
the wedding photos back. Everyone (including
Miss. L) was looking at the pictures on my
laptop. The feeling was odd. I did not say
anything, because I didn’t want her to think
that I just kept talking without taking any
actions. I had already told her I would do
it for her. She was okay, and I even waited
for her to leave office together. In the car
park, Miss. L even asked me where I would
work on Monday, but I had already mentioned
it to someone earlier when she was there.
Was she trying to confirm it?
• Should I do something to save the 16-year
relationship with my wife?
• Does Miss. L really see me just a normal or
good friend/colleague? Will a normal/good
friend/colleague pay that such attention to
• Did Miss. L really mean the relationship
between her and I was not possible when she
said that? Do most women say things that are
not normally the truth? Or did she try to
avoid herself in my decision making?
• Miss. L has not treated me differently
after I told her. At this stage, should I
expect nothing more or less from her even she
I think I can only find out the answer after
I end my marriage. It will be much
appreciated if someone (especially girls) can
help me to interpret my story and advise me.
Dude ! You are so screwed !! Thank you for that story, you just confirmed why I'm sooo happy to be a single male. OK, here's my advice. Just so you know, I'm a male, Scorpio and working on a MA in Psychology.
If I was you, and I'm so glad I'm not, but, I did have a 3 year affair when I was married, so no one is judging you. I do rememeber the pain it caused everyone. You need to minimize the pain this is going to cause so many people. You need to think of the repercussions this is going to cause so many people. Those people are; your wife, her family, your colleagues and Miss L. Not to mention what it's going to cause Miss L !!! That is going to be the key.
Dude, you need to step back and be real careful, because you're going to be the one who's going to get burned. This may not have a happy ending, you know, like a Disney movie, it's going to bemore like The Lion King when everyone cries at the end. Here's some scenarios. First, are from the US or England, I read some words that sounded like they British.
1. First, you need to back off Miss L,. You need some major time to consider all your options. From experience, Miss L will NOT be around when this is over. If you leave your wife, this will put too much pressure on her. Remember the ramifications that will occur at work. I'm sorry dude, but the dynamics will change in so many ways.
2. Meet with Miss L and explain to her that youre going to need time. During this time you will consider your options, because youre making promises to her right now and you really dont know how this is going to end up. These promises are putting pressure on you and her. Let me tell you. If you screw this up, Miss L will be against you as well. Plus, how can this relationship possibly ever word after the terrible thinbg you just did by getting married. No sir, in the universe and the cospmos, youre not going to decide to leave your marriage and inot the warm bed and loving arms of Miss L. It doesnt work that way. You need to put her to the side as you decide. Believe me, she wil be there when this is over, if she isnt, well thats the way it goes.
3. You need to decide what to do, either leave your wife or stay. Maybe it will work out. Where would you be if Miss L wasnt in the picture?? Youd be married and doing ok. If you decide to stay, then put Miss L out, end it like a man. Then work on your marriage for a year. If that doesnt work out and you know deep in your heart it was a mistake then ok, at least you gave it your all. Dude, do you know how bad you look if you walk out on your wife right now. Besides, have ever talked to your wife about how she feels. Youre being very selfish here and I believe that youre the one who always wanted Miss L and who wants to leave your marriage. As a Scorpio, I would stay where the nay nay is ready and available. LOL !! You think Miss L is going to give it up when this starts to get out in the open. Dude, you both may lose your jobs, or you, or her...who knows but man are you playing with fire.
4. If you talk to your wife and you both decide it was a mistake. Then you make the announcement to firends and family, I'm sure youre not the first bloc,( is that British, LOL) who made this mistake. Another question, did your wife FREEZE the wedding cake and is it in your freezer where you discuss it all day long. Have you and your wife gone over the pictures and was she very happy and all you can do is think of Miss L. Man, you screwed up big time !! Again, thank you, I'm so glad its not me. If you and your wife decide to split, then do it as adults. Then, move out and get your own apartment, or flat, Then settle down a bit to see how things are going. If Miss L is still around then you can start seeing her if you both agree and then see what happens. Thats if things are still the same.
You got cold feet, you think your life is over because you got married and you wont have the excitement from Miss L so your running to Miss L. Question, have you had sex with MIss L, anything physical, did you meet, kiss, hug, have oral sex or any sex????? It sounds to me that you have.
THINK ABOUT YOUR WIFE !!! You just got married ! What the hell were you thinking....I know youre in a panic right now and thats dangerous. This is not a good place to be, you need to seperate from people and think this through. If you dont, this will not work out. You may lose both woman, but, if you only have a wedding cake invested in Miss L, and 16 years with your wife, DUH !!!! Are you insane ??? Got back to your wife and work this out, be a man and stop being a selfish baby who wants to lick the cake icing...That was a sexual pun !!! Thank you, I thought that was good as well...
This is a very serious situation in your life. If you are NOT careful, this could ruin you because you'll be the one to blame from everyone.
Last scenario, if you did bonker Miss L, and it was amazing, though I've been intimate with a Leo but never a Tauras and I wasnt that crazy over the intimacy with the Leo, it got old and un-exciting. But if it was awesome, then work on getting her back. But do it like a man and she will need to understand and wait for you. A Leo will wait, they are loyal. But I would conside the last option.
You lose both woman, and your financially ok after the smoke clears. Dude, ots party time for you. You need some major stress relief. I would work out, trim down, buy some new clothes and go out and meet some of these amazingly attractive woman that are all about nay nay..Its a good time to be single, thank you internet. There is so much out there that once you hook up with a sexy and beautiful female, well then, it was all worth it...Think about me dude, I will be out there surrounded by beuatiful single and married woman competing, just because they do, for me !!!!!
You're emotionally disconnected from your wife. Seven years is a long time. My advice to you, end it! But do not end it drastically. It has to be a gradual process. Your wife is a Taurus. We don't adapt very well to sudden changes. Attempt this, and she will go bat-sh^t crazy! When you tell her that you're contemplating a divorce, she may try to fight for you. Bulls are very possessive by nature. But we're also very practical, logical, and can be emotionally strong people when a crisis occurs.
1. Have a heart-to-heart discussion about the marriage. Use logic. Less emotion. Tell her you're unhappy. You felt this way for 7 yrs now.
2. Suggest marriage counseling.
3. If there is no chance for a reconciliation, file for a legal separation.
4. Give her an opportunity to re-prioritize her life.
5. She will begin to accept it, we're emotionally strong individuals. She will feel sad, but in time, she will move on. She's a Bull!
If you are thinking about reconciling with her in the future. It will not work. Once our hearts have moved on, we're done. Bulls don't regress. We move forward.
As for how to proceed with Ms L (the Leo)....
A Leo woman will have to help you with that one.....
This post is deleted!
Thanks, Phoenix. I am from UK. I haven't had or started any kind of relationships (love and sex) with Miss. L. You're right. I shouldn't have told her about my feeling with her. But because Scorpio is so emotional, I couldn't wait to tell her how I felt. Now I have given Miss. L (female Leo) a hope. Fortunately, she has more experience than I have. Both my wife and myself were first boy/girl friend (at the age of 20), first partner, then first husband/wife. We don't have experience of ending a love relationship before.
Thanks, FemmeFatale and newsI14ng. I will use the time from now to early next year to handle my relationships with my wife (Taurus) and Miss. L (Leo). I will keep Miss. L away from my problem. As others said, I shouldn't give her more pressure.
Scorpio777, what is with you Chaps ? I thought all English men were gentleman? LOL ! LOL means laughing out loud just in case you dont know that. Don't be another Prince Charles and the story of Diane and Camille ! I'm kinda getting a whole perspective on you Brits. And all the while I thought you guys just saw us as Yanks. Well, we've always had a history with each in helping one another out. You gave us The Beatles and Led Zeppelin, we gave you Michael Jackson and the iPad.
Seriously Mate, step away from Lady L, and give your marriage some time. We in the staes have an old saying, dont make a permanent decison, in a temporary situation. Give your new bride some time and consideration, she deserves that. If you decide you need to leave, give her the benefit of the doubt and respect her and do it slowly, get some counselling, seperate first, and if this doesnt work, then move forward. I wish you all the best. Tally Hoe !!!!