Hey there Blmoon
Well I have done all the things I needed to do, and I am feeling strong and powerful.
I sent my lawyer all the old bills, Rons contact info again and a note saying if Ron doesn't sign lets fight hard.
I got all the papers together for the irs to prove I am right and sent them all after making copies for my file.
I contacted the bank that holds my mortgage and am having them send the papers to put my name first on the loan to prevent further trouble.
I went to my bank and sat down with an agent and tyransfered my old credit card debt left over from Ron over to a 0 percent for a year, which will allow me to pay it off and be debt free for the first time since I got married.
I sat down with my sons and explained to them that their father is giving me $1000 less a month then before and if they want to continue to have cable tv , bvottled water and all the things they like so much then they will all have to be men and help me, they all agreed.
Drew is the one who says he will and most the time he comes up with a reason not to help, but he makes as much as I do and he is 25, so we go round and round until he pays. I hate that and wish he would be a man about it, but as you say it is what it is.
I find myself feeling like I can handle all that stuff, but emotions are still very hard.
I am alone even when I am with otheres.
I have a cell phone no one calls and my friends are not really friends, just people I work with.
I am so lonley.
I work 5 days a week from 8-5 surroundede by people, and when I get off work I rush home to be with the boys and then usually end up in my room alone.
I listened to what you said about october and dreams and I have been having very vivid dreams that seem to make me very happy and I wake up happy and them forget what I dreamed about.
I once read a book on dreams that said to write them down as soon as you wake up, but by the time I do they are gone.
I know I ask you about Ron too much and it is time to forget about him, but I need to know what you mean by, nothing will be like it was and nothing he says will make up for what he did.
Does that mean he won't be sincere, won't try hard, or that I won't care.
I know it sounds stupid asfter all this, but I miss him so much it makes my heart hurt
I understand that I have been through alot in the last few years, but will I be happy again someday?
FIRST--great big good job hug!!! Your Goddess crown is glowing and yes that shift is a lonely place---been there--can tell you that on the other side of that is a very new place and one you could never even imagine. Have faith. What you are going through right now--the alone place--really ALONE---as alone as Jesus in the desert dry mountain expecting the worst and seeing no help not a hug. This tough place Nancy, is EXACTLY why not everyone changes for the better--this is the hard reality and even when people know what they SHOULD do they don't. Because it is a very lonely place that place of letting go of all we know and face into the darkness and have not a real thing to cling to--all we have is ourselves and FAITH. All the buisness you just did---seems like not much but it sent a very powerfull energy out to the universe! Hang on a bit more as you are in the valley--the lull--the shift between two lives and the new one has not materialized yet but it will and you will attract your new "others". And about Ron---what I meant is even when he comes to you reaching out---until he changes--rises up to meet your leap up you will not feel the same about him---any old moments that tug at you will be short lived as you can't go back.You are changed. What will be different is "anger" --you will find yourself feeling angry at him for the littlest things--things the old you would have ignored---ATE---and absorbed---turned itself into self loathing and depression and an inability to move. He will just plain irritate you---you will find yourself being "b itchy"---and feeling fine with that---you will get to the point of feeling for yourself a right to be happy--the right to have things YOUR way and will no longer be so focused on pleasing him---thinking if you keep him happy--he will not hurt you--no Nancy--you will be liberated to get that from the sorce--YOU and are slowly just plain cutting his power out of the equation. The new friends who come into your life will support that--will love you for who you are will respect your honesty and will nurture you. During this loneiest time--that mighty spirit that looks after you has been holding you and filling you with love as you sleep---just wants you to feel the love---to ready you for the next phase of finally learnig how to receive--that feeling is a future promise--they are saying this is what you can't see or feel yet! The end of this month will bring something final and around the 15th of Nov. will be important. Believe in yourself. Goddess Nacy. BLESSINGS!
I read your posts always because I am in an almost the same situation, with different details. But this long loneliness and growth through it is really hard to get, but is happening.
I just wanted to recommend you a book I just finished now, and has help me tremendously. The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle.-- if you haven't read it already. there are so many others spiritual books that are really amazing to get through the toughest times. Just a thought.
best of luck ! U
I don't know what is wrong now, the last few weeks my sleep has been my hapy place, and last night I said a prayer and a big thank you for the love I amgetting and rest and comfort in my sleep. I fell asleep easily, but had bad dreams all night and woke up alot having panic attacks and a hard time getting back to sleep.
I kept seeing a doctor or surgean walking really fast awy from me and I couldn't get any answers, it really bothered me.
Today was horrible because I didn't get sleep and had to deal with all the people at work.
I am home now and planning a nice dinner with Trevor, my middle son.
Dear Undio1 ,
I read your story also and don't see how we are alike at all. you seem to be doing what my x did and instead of living up to your promises, you are looking for love outside of your marriage. That is exactly what has caused me all this pain.
well you might know just a slice of my life, dear Nancy, and shouldn't come up with analogies and conclusions so easily. we are too far apart -- but we all get lessons. and your's are not better than mines.
I am taking my lessons too, as we all do, but I don't let the pain get me desperate and in bed. I keep on loving and not loosing hopes on it. and so should you.
I was emphatically trying to help, but I apologize for bringing you so much anger.
Love to you !!
one more detail for you, since I ignored it at the the first place to explain it. And in fact I wouldn't have still, if I didn't read the book I recommended to you. Because, it takes your pain away and replace it with peace, even in sadness.
I didn't do exactly what your husband did. I didn't give myself to the guy, even though I could and had all the reason on the earth to do it--because of my life situation. Not because of the other girl, though, but because of ME. Even though I love him dearly. so there is nothing of the same with your assumptions on me. I don't know were you got this from ?? I forgive you disturb you no further.
don't worry--the panic attacks are an adjustment to more power--and energy. It's not all bad and it's just this adjustment between the old you that gave energy away to other things. AND all that love around you as well has another side. It makes you anxiouse but you are healing from that. You really do not need to have it analized right now. Also, a part of you fears for the unknown and you are more in power and more intuitive and that is scary. Specially with you giving up being drained by Ron--or food or outside drama. Right now you are dealing with the real reason for choices you used to make. You are really by nature a high energy person--have psychic abilities and healing qualities. You are a nurturer and a giver. A lot of female energy and now you have made that journey towards balance and you have gathered your OWN male energy. Are you breathing deep enough during the day? Or even at night---I have allergies and if you are congested and not getting enough air it will bring a panic attack. ALSO, it is another way the body secretly brings down our scary big energy--we can be unaware of it but we will start breathing very shallow and that will produce adreneline in the bloodstream and show up usually in the middle of the night. I have had these kinds of issues healing from an abusive childhood---you make yourself smaller. If you had a parent who was intimmidated or afraid of your energy and power you learned to "TONE IT DOWN" without even thinking about it--it's a survival tactic. A bad old habit. That's why I keep heavy breathing activities in my life because I can fall into that same habit. It does usually show up as a panic attack. When I have had to do a public gathering sometimes later in the middle of the night I have had what feels like a panic attack---my head buzzing with energy and information overload.. I learned from a famouse psychic and doctor how to prevent that and it is normal for psychic empaths. This doctor says she often leaves a crowded situation several times just to be alone and cleanse the overload. So many situations can bring on an overload--riding in a car with others, etc. Or for me , a trip to the mall can get me wired and unable to sleep. I take Magnesium and calcium and melatonin at night. I know you had some issues with your mineral balance--could be you need more madnesium and potasium still?---it effects the nervouse system I think you are also picking up on Ron as well and his health. You are going to be fine. Next time you get a panic attack--do very deep breathing. Another thing that works for me if my mind is already racing is to say this mantra over and over until it passes--using different emphasis if you like---ALWAYS US LIVING LOVE---just keep repeating that--I promise it works! If you do very deep breathing and get instint relief than definetly you are having oxegyn issues
does anyone tell you you snore heavy? It could be a combination of several things but I really get that it's a reaction to your empowerment and energy changes and your psychic gift picking up info and you are feeling scared on some level that you don't want this. There is still that part of you that is afraid you can't do this alone---you want that doctor fix. I had crazy dreams myself two nights ago. I'm still waiting to figure out. As you grow more powerfull and open to receive instead of distracted you have to consider that you pick up outside junk---specially if you were close to someone that day and without thought picked up their energy or worries. It happens to me all the time. But I am aware of when something feels not like me. I usually know it's time to take a break from reading posts when I start having dreams that feel too forgiegn to me--I wake up very aware that I'm picking up too many people and it's time to purge and detach. Nancy, you have spent so much of your life tuning into other's needs and moods you have neglected your own special needs. You are an empath. That's why your challange will always be your emotions---you are sensitive and get overwhelmed quikly but if you know yourself you will always trust that that's ok--that's just how you are and once it passes you really are a strong woman who gets on with dealing with it. I know spirit has thrown out a lot of possabilities here but I think it's on purpose as it will get you in the mode of "doctoring yoursef"---getting to know your needs and taking care of them. As you go about your day--pay attention to how you feel and see if you can connect with outside reasons. Like, at work---notice how your mood can change around different people. I guese what spirit is saying is this part of the journey is all about you and how you feel and being in tune to your needs. BLESSINGS! PS--I see two events back to back one will seem worse than it is and then very good news.
Wow you are amazing, I was really sad last night when I got in bed, feeling very alone and trying to piece together my reality.
I looked up what being an empath is and you are very right, I am, so I guess thats part of my gift and my problem.
I get that being so alone right now has a purpose, it just feels like it will always be this way.
I felt a huge wave of missing him last night, don't know why and sometimes just wish I had never met him.
Drew has been talking to him on Sundays about football, ( rons big attempt at connecting with his sons) and he put his arms around me the other night and told me he thinks his dad is really sick to have walked away from someone like me.
I tried what you said last night and it worked. I woke up a few times heart pounding, full panic attack and said over and over love lifelive , I realize what I said wasn't what you said, but it worked and so fast. That was the first time in 2 years I have been able to make it stop fast. I thank you so much for that.
I sure hope what ever it is that is coming isn't too bad, as I am not ready for more pain right now.
Also wanted to say youare4 right about my moods around people. No matter how sad or upset I am babies and small kids make me so happy, and make the hurt go away.
Me too! That's why I eneded up always being near them----wait untill you get your grandkids! I so love being a grandma --when I'm most tired or beat up--all I have to do his have a play date with my love bundles--at first I will feel like I'm too crabby and tired but soon as they get near me I get so energized--I always have treats and we play games and they are so bright and funny and fun. We get silly and laugh. And don't worry about bad news---in fact that's the message---don't let some disturbing news get you upset as it will pass and work itself out. And there should be good news coming soon as well. BLESSINGS1
WEll just had a good bit of tequila with my boys, who are really men now, funny when your kids are old enough to bring you what you need evben if you don't know it.
Been havuing a really hard time of it, work is so boring and stressdfull. You are right about all the people and how they make me feel and the last couple of days have been unbearable for me.
In can not imagine treating peiople the way some people treat me, it is like I am someone they have no respect for, I guess it comes with working with the public, but wow somedays I can't take it.
My new assistant manager Trishia is so rude to everyone and today she was really rude to me. I wanted so badly to tell her off, but this is my job, that I need, so I hold my tongue and hate my life even more.
I don't know what to do, I feel like I am waiting for something that will never happen and I will spend my entire life hating everything.
I don't find men intereting and when In do, theyn don't seem interested in me.
I am so lost oh God please help me.
WEllm I was worried about what I wrote last night and what you might say so I came back today to fix it, and really it is how I feel.
I am stuck and don't know which way to turn right now.
I am waiting for word from the lawyers about the divorce and won't feel totoally right until that is resolved.
I haven't seen Ron since Tylers graduation and haven't speoken to him since the tax problem.
I try my best every day to go out there with a positive attitude and be helpful and nice and send positive enery to people and I seem to get so stressed and worried every day.
I haven't had peace in so long or a day that truely made me happy.
When Ron was here we would make a plan, tommorrow, or next week or next month or next year, something to look forward to, something to think about when things were hard.
I have no plans, I am alone and scared
I had planned on taking a break but here I am and see you just were on one minute ago! Actually, it's a cruddy time in the air right now---that's why I am taking a break! I hate the vibe as well--like all the doors are shut and but it will pass. I feel for you with the rude manager---we had a bad energy one in our place last year that just sucked up good energy---she's gone now and I helped out her so had to fight "poisen arrows" for two months. When you are an empath it is a real drag. I used to go into her room when she was not around and pray blessings! And it helped--but it did take energy---spirit did advise for you to use this time to be AWARE of that---to make the connection when you feel low or in a dark place--often it is not really you! It's some vampire that has sucjked the energy out of you or the space you are stuck in. That's why it's been a struggle for me to make sure I work in a healthy environment or at least have time off enough to recharge. I'm very low myself so can't talk much but there is a conflict in the sky between planets today--mars is in the mix and you are being challanged to beef up your energy protector and use some visual things and prayers to guard yourself from energy vampires and poisen arrows. You are just low on energy. Listen to music or do something joyfull--bake something. Figure it out. You kow what I mean! BLESSINGS!
Well my plan for todayn is tom sent the last papers to the irs, I finally got them yesterday., And then I am going to make pink marshmallows and cut them into heart shapes to serll for breast cancer bake sale we are having at work over the weerk-end.
Safeway raises slot of money for charities and this month we are all about pink.
I have been making marshmallows for years now and people love them, so that will bring good energy I hope.
I don't really understand the planets and the energy, but I know this can't continue.
Something has to give, I am a good women and it is a waste to be so alone all the time, I just can't find my mojo.
Will Ron sign the papers this time and what is going on in his mind right now?
Just got back from work--went in to just do stock and ended up dealing wth a bunch of parents who came to help on a project but brought their kids---of course there is always that one parent who lets their kid run wild and doesn't say a thing so I ended up doing damage control and was not in any mood for energy giving. I'm spent right now too---and when the room got too chaotic---which would never happen if the parents were't their as the kids know better---I could feel my heart flutter. Than God it was just an hour. The other teacher there was new and she said it was scarying her! Some days my mojo is missing as well. If you are near fifty---hormones take a dive as well. Right now Ron is back and forth--one day he is in complete denial another he's cocky and another he is just feeling plain old. Right now that's what I pick up---he's feeling tired and so old and it's kind of ironic because he is mimicing some of those early feelings you had---I get he's just coming down from a manic period and now he's slow and creeping into depression and too tired to hide from his thoughts he's thinking--where did my life go? Was it all a waste? He hates being alone with his thoughts and she used to be a big distraction but that's getting old and the more beat he feels the more she pushes. I feel a breakdown coming. Wish I could tell you morebut that's all I can do---I'm too thin myself to get into his energy but he's not in a good place. I think he's close to signing but may try one more time to get something more his way but he's also paranoid about going to court---he has secrets that he fears will indeed cost him more. I think he will play the sympathy card (maybe the health crisis) and when that doesn't work he will have one more tantrum. I know around Nov. 15th means something and by the end of this month means something. If I get energized I'll let you know otherwise I must keep my energy up or I'll get sick. BLESSINGS---Happy heart making!
I hope you are getting all the rest you need and are feeling strong and wonderful. I am on vacation next week so I will muddle through this week and try and find some fun next week.
Last night I got in bed early even though it was my night off and had the most vivid dreams. Ron was in the first half and he was cold and mean and made me feel horrible, and then a wonderful good looking man found me and flirted with me and followed me around and I couldn't believe it because I was so beat down by Rion.
I think that is the truth and somehow I know it, but can't seerm to belive.
Hi there, just wanted to tell you a few more things. I just went to have my teeth cleaned, I go every 6 months like I am supposed to, and Nancy the lady who cleans my teeth is wonderful. She always calls me beautiful and tells me stories about how she works for doctors without borders and goes into the jungle to help people with their teeth.
Today she said " you know Nancye, I have known you for over 20 years and you have always been very open and honest and I have to say that most people in the world don't get to have the kind of love you and Ron had. You have had real love and you know it." I am sure that was meant to cheer me up, but it hurt like heck, because she if she is right what happened, isn't real love forever?
WEll that made me sad so I went straight from there to hold my baby niece Ava. She smiled and laughed and snuggled with me for an hour, then she fell asleep on me like I was the most comfortable place on earth.
I just wanted to pop on and wish you a very happy Halloween. It was always my favorite holiday with the carving of the pumpkins, scarey movies and the fall air.
When I was small my next door neighbor ran a large produce market and he would bring me pumpkins. Some years I would get the biggest and some years he would bring me a lot of little ones.
Ron and I always made a huge deal of it also, okay so I did and he went along, we would get large pumkins and casrve them up so good people come for miles every year to see them.
This year not only did my old neighbor pass awya, but it was like pulling teerth to get the boys to carve with me.
Tonight all of the family and all of the kids will come over for tacos and trick or treat, but I habve a cold and not really into it.
So it is the end of the month and nothing new has happened, still waiting
Youn said if you gt your energy back you would look deeper into Ron and what is going on, if you can I would love it Thanks
Still resting right now but knew you would pop in---actually, I read your two posts and was impressed. That remark to you about you and Ron in the past would have sent you spiriling for days at least! Instead, you chose the right medicine! You've come a long way. My youngest granddaughter is an AVA! Pure sunshine---I had a psychic tell me she was a very special soul who came here as a healer---I believe it. I too love the decorating for holidays----Holloween is my Ava's favourite theme--she loves it all year--- I waited until she came over to pull out my stuff---and at 5 she remembered everything from last year better than me--as every year I get surprised as I open the wrappings! I feel your saddness--about the kids growing up--the family unit changing. I had--still do at times--adjusting. Family was so important to me because I did not have that homey thing growing up. It s ucks! When you have sons they always love you but they cling to their wives--their partners--as should be but it does leave an empty ache! Grandkids help that!. I need my energy right now but will get back to you! And again--I'm proud of you--how you handled that incident at the dentist. You've come a long way! BLESSINGS!
Well he did it again, I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face, can barely see the keys to write to you.
Today I got $1400 less than I used to and this time no apologies, jut a , this is what I have give you more in 2 weeks.
Here I was thinking how he must have been sad yesterday missing Hallowween they way we do it, and not being a part of it, I went to bed thinking about the huge part of my life thats missing and thinking he must feel the same, I mean I cleaned and cooked tacos for over 17 people and I didn't feel loved and apriciated I feklt used and lonely.
Remember the prediction---to expect your perspective to be bigger than the event really is. Your choice. Why do you hold onto him as your past expierience like a jewel that can never be replaced. Let go.. You are attached to an IDEA--that has always been your blind spot--you get attached to a picture--a perfect picture that you put all your WORTH into---you give yourself away. Then get surprised when you feel empty and used. Stop looking outside yourself--if you want to honor your gift for service please choose a more rewarding investment. Tough love--Nancy--I have done the same thing--everyone has. Take responsability for your choices ---investments and returns and be more unconditional. You must find a more spiritual giving and shed your earthly distortions---your picture of love. I believe several posts ago spirit advised you would do well to STOP relying on Ron for anything--expect nothing from him. With detachment--forget figuring him out. He holds you back. Start living your life as if you may never see a dime from him--is that scary? Here's the secret of your journey--the key to the next level--your new life and true love. Stop needing Ron--for anything--including the memories that rob you blind. Then this nightmare will end. Blessings!