All my fault

  • Katie; Thanks for the hugs :). My prayers have been many and I think that God is laughing at me, I have asked for a time machine. ( I'd give anything to go back in time and take back those minutes) I am trying not to get sick, but with all the crying and pacing and crying ( Never have I ever cried so much) I can't think anymore he was my sounding board and knew just how to stop my raging roar. ( no one has ever been able to do that) I have been taking Vit.C, but I have no time to rest inbetween work and all the projects that I have to finish there can be no rest.

    I have asked the universe to send him back to me today and when I get home I hope to see him even if he's angry and cold. I just want our life back, before it's to late. My mistake is costing me my soul. (everytime I close my eyes it's somewhere dark and filled with madness)

    Once again thanks for your kindness and soft words, I shall keep them at top of my head.

  • Shoot! I wrote this long reply and I lost it! This is what I can remember…

    When I read your posts Y8779, there are so many things that jump out from the page at me and I keep forgetting how this all came about.

    As Lovely1206 advises, “TELL HIM THAT YOU CARE ABOUT HIM AND YOU NEVER MEANT TO HURT HIM. BUT PLEASE DON'T MENTION THE ARGUMENT”. Apologize, don’t make excuses, don’t be on the defensive, and don’t put him on the defensive because this will only generate another argument. In my experience, he comes back if he knows he’s in the wrong, but if I’m in the wrong I have to go get him.

    I can’t stress enough Y8779, that no one person defines your life but yourself. We all make mistakes and we all have the capability to forgive those mistakes. I lost the love of my life also, but he came back. He came back when we were both ready and we could both be strong for each other. Cancer is a nurturing sign, but he expects you to be able to stand on your own two feet, he wants a woman that is strong. You both have some healing to do and when the time is right you will be together again.

  • What I meant about not mentioning the argument was to wait until the time is right and you both are laughing and smiling again.


    Get him to talk to you when everything is clear........ Don't rush back into this relationship right now. Give some time to YOURSELF. Read Dr. Wayne Dyer books and try to meditate with white candles.

    You will be Okay, He will come back to you.....

  • Aqua; If I knew his location I would! I am very strong, but I fear that might be one of the things that is keeping things from being alright. I have no problem not talking about it, I would rather pretend nothing happen. We have never been this long apart since we met back up. Thanks for all your support and interest in what is going on. I will just try to keep working on my house an hope my arm doesn't fall off or that I don't fall off the deep end. Between the last four days I have only gotton maybe about three hours a sleep a night. Due to my mind set, I was spoiled by him and I can't re-program my mind to what it was before. It may take months ( in past cases it does take many months) when I love I love. I just didn't have the balls to tell him that, I wanted to wait until I was sure he wasn't going anywhere.

  • Lov; We were never defined, others defined us. In our hearts it was everything and yes I know it was, there is no feeling like it in the world that is how I know. rush into a relationship again, like I said we never said that out loud to each other, But our hearts told each other. I am not one to give in easy to anyone, but I would to him. Just trying to keep myself busy with moments that make me smile. Seems to help me, when the tears won't let up. I can't take back what happen and I can't time travel anywhere, but if I could I won't be sharing this with anyone. ( please don't take offense in that last statement)

    Thank you for your support.. And yes I have had my candles lit since the day it happen :).

  • Hi Y8779,

    If I had a penny for all the times that I was sorry in my life I would be rich. Life is for learning and sometimes it's painful, but you have to stop blaming yourself. If this man is meant to be in your life, then it must be for a reason.As for a time machine, I do believe that there isn't a soul on the planet who wouldn't want one.

    I can almost feel your heart breaking, but it's good that you are keeping busy. I don't know if you live in the town or the country, but I do feel that a good walk might take away some of the stress and you never know who you might bump into!

    Thinking of you always, MORE BIG HUGS


  • Katie; Don't feel like a walk, don't feel like seeing anyone I know that mya ask where he is. And to add a twist into all of this my ex is now calling, says he heard what happen. Interesting how news travels.

    Pain, pain is nothing I had it all my life. Guess I don't know how to be happy! Had a visitor this morning, love those kind that just rub it in. It's like you can see the smirk on thier face.

    I read a little bit on the Saturn return and am going to read some more, not that it has helped me. But I guess this is a VERY important time in my life as it has been mentioned to me.

    Keeping busy honestly isn't working at all, but pretending is better than not pretending at this moment. Deep sad thoughts are circling and I fear to give into them. It's not that I am not strong it is that I can't fix what should have never happen. I just want to say " I never meant it!" . But since a time machine is out of the question, then I must keep trying to pretend as best as I can.

    How can one person be so mad and not want to even tell me? At I hate you would be something.

  • Honestly, when you start making yourself busy, the time will go by fast. This man knows what you're going through. He is not dumb. He "felt" that you were getting ready to kick him out and he basically broke up with you before you broke up with him.

    That is reverse psychology 101. Trust me I am Pro.



    This man is VERY SMART, YES,YES, HE STILL LOVES YOU. Just be patient and WATCH. "DON'T LET THE RIGHT HAND KNOW WHAT THE LEFT IS DOING". Meaning don't tell anyone else what happened. Just go on and act like you are doing GREAT and you're focused on finishing your house.


    Have fun and relax

  • My God don't start getting bad thoughts! Nobody is worth it. Lovely 1206 is quite right, misery does love company.

    Reading through all of your posts, I get the impression that there is a lot of emotional stuff that is troubling you, and your man leaving is just the tip of the iceberg.I really don't know what to say that can help you through this devastating turmoil, only just to offer my sincere show of support.

    I just wish that I could see you face to face and dig deeper into your situation. But as that's impossible, feel free to kick off anytime.

    Try to stay positive.ENORMOUS HUGS


  • Lov; Interesting that anyone who loves you would indeed make you suffer? With all the recent crap I choose to think that he would know me enough, that he wouldn't go there with me.

    Strong, I have been that my life. Strong is nothing new, but strong only gets you so far in matters of the heart. I am minutes away from throwing things and screaming at the top of my lungs and although these things will only lead to more things that shouldn't be done, then so be it.

    As far as not telling anyone. How can they not know? It's already to late, it's been to many days that I have been here by myself. No since in lying, lying I really don't believe in. Plus emotions are something I hide well only if I am prepared. Matters of the heart are not included, no one that I have ever met can play off a bleeding heart. And if they did good for them, it will just resurface later and ruin their emotional being.

  • Katie; Really that is what is bothering me ( him leaving). Everything else was sweep under the rug ( not including the everyday bull that I put up with). My aunt dying affects me, yes! But she choose to stay away and the only thing I feel is release ( I am glad she finally got to have peace).

    lol.. face to face you might start crying to. No matter how busy I keep myself I still stop and cry. I turn the radio on and then I turn it off ( depends on the song). This is a huge house and the silence is overwhelming for me. I know that others have gotton through things like this and I really thank you for the hugs and support. Honestly I need that! As the days get longer and longer I feel the slip and being strong counts for nothing. All I ever wanted was to be where I was a week ago (safely in his arms).

    Life isn't fair and I know that and when the time is right I will no longer be here. But I don't want to grow old being bitter and nasty ( I already snap when the mood calls for it). If this is what it's going to be like then forget the time machine and call in my ticket.

  • Hey Y

    What does that mean? -Call in my ticket?

    You will not always feel sad and it is not always going to be the way it is now.

    He'll be back. You might not even want him by then. Just hold yourself together and don't fall apart in the meantime.

    Lots of love to you xoxo


  • Ticket; time up.

    Even though there is my ex trying to come back int he picture I am still sure of what I want and that would be him.

    Holding together seems to be what I am doing. I did go out on a bit of a rage though felt good and I left the things where they landed to remind me to stay calm and hold it together. I am just very mad a myself for hurting someone who tried everyday to make me smile and even put up with my bullshit and bullshit of those around me. To have that kind of support for the first time in my life was the greatest relief I could ask for. What I prayed for that is why I am so overwhelmed with pain and the tears just keep coming. He was gift, the reply to my prayers and I fu

    up. I guess I was just wishing for one last chance.

    Thank you Diamond for your words and love.

  • Hello Y,

    NO, I wouldn't cry with you. Instead I would grab you by the hand and take you dancing.

    There's a ton of emotion being thrown at your walls and they're throwing them right back at you.

    You really do need an outlet, and I don't mean the one you might be contemplating.

    I've known a lot of sad people in my lifetime,but have come to the conclusion that the only one who can help is the individual concerned. People can offer advice until it makes them dizzy, but at the end of the day it's all about what you want.

    So your ex is sniffing around. Well let him. Don't turn away a possible friend.

    I know what you're going to say, I only want my man back, but until he does, just take a chance and let your ex comfort you a little. Sometimes bad things need to happen before any good can come along.It's like the light at the end of the tunnel.

    Go on Y, shake a tail feather and I'll be dancing my butt off with you!

    Love n hugs


  • Hi Y,

    I really can feel you, your pain and everthing you're going through these days!

    I guess I'm somehow in the same situation like you are.

    Love was writing me, also! She is right about what She's 'saying', it helps when people care, even everyone know it doesn't ease the pain or gives you back some good sleep.....

    I've met the man of my dreams 25 yrs ago.......we got separated through our differnt lives and the circumstances back then, but always stayed in touch.

    We both have been married or in a relationship throughout the years....never being free....always one of us was taken but never happy!

    3 yrs. ago I went to see him again. he's in the US...I am in Germany.....

    He was surprised that I haven't changed much...sure we both got older....but I felt like coming strange just felt like it suppose to be.

    When he did pick me up from the airport it felt like he just had dropped me off work in the morning.

    He didn't want to let me go back anymore...but I had to go 2nd childrens...twincouple where just 16 yrs and they never would have wanted to leave their home.

    He asked me if I could live in the US and if I can see myself becoming his wife!

    I was the most happierst woman on earth and further.

    So I flew back and forward twice a year....last time I came back at the beginning of Febr. this year!

    He ask me to come there for good in June, so actually now!

    We were on the phone everyday! We've always talked for hrs especially after I always had to come back here.

    Everytime after me being back for 4 - 6 weeks he sounded so asking him what's going on, he always was telling me the same......I should be right there with him already!

    I could feel him, his lonelyness and 'suffering'

    When he heard a males voice (my son's) he sounded jealous.

    So, I had the paperwork together, we have seen authorities there, checking out place, where he had always made sure that I really could feel home there.

    Now after me actually being ready (started to pack some boxes already, clearing the situation with my landlord etc.) he started to avoid me.

    No more replies to my mails, mailbox messages, nada!

    We didn't urgue, last time we've talked (That was the 3rd of March!!!!)

    Since then he'd send me one mail which was the end of March, appologizing for not being in touch with me like usuall but things came situation etc. and that he'll call me.

    Then through the last 2 months he called just twice. First when I've wrote him, that I'll go to Italy, 2nd time....3 days ago after I've send him a text message through the mobile....telling him, that I do look at 'the needle' that very moment, knowing he's in the near surrounding.

    It was on TV.

    I know he has just called to see whether I'm still in Germany!

    I've ask him if he met someone else and he should let me know....even it would kill me....he hasn't find anybody, else in 25 yrs. but things happen. I just want, need to know........... made it easy on him, but nothing......

    Sure I'wrote him very nasty things getting of by my feelings, all confused, hurt, disappointed and that pain I don't even want my enemy ( if I had one) to feel...

    I do know, actually I should write him, that he don't have to worry abut me anymore...and wish him the best for his further life....but I can't......

    I only know one thing......I can't go on like takes everything out of me.....whatever I do, household, spending time with friends, working...he's always with me.....and I feel like I become less and less....

    When a man do that to a woman.....knowing how bad she loves him.....always loyal and honest, always there for him....accept him, the whole making of him......and he tells her the same (he's not very good expressing his emotions verbally, so it always meant a lot to me when he did) knowing all the sorrow I've been through already.........he should be kicked around the curve!

    But I still can't..............I still love him...................we started as lovers....became great friends almost partners.....continued as lovers, friends and partners....and now................

    Dear Y......believe me........I do know how you feel, because I can see myself somehow in your pain, too!

    It might sound stupid, I had very sad thoughts.....but now, I try to convince myself, I can't do that to the people around me, who show me there love everyday!

    Sure knowing there a men out there wish for nothing more than me giving them a chance ( some I do know also longer than 20yrs), but that don't please me at all! No one there I want to be together or get close to...but the one I gave my heart to, 25 yrs. ago!

    Sorry, this really turned out very wuld be nice to hear from you again!

    Beside I'm a libra woman and he is a Gemini, actually a perfact match!



  • I like to be out in nature. I like to pack a lunch, find a trail and spend the day hiking in the wilderness. I listen to the sounds of the forest. I am fascinated by the outlines of the older, bigger trees because these are the ones that have the most character. I love to climb over rocks, cross streams and smell the freshness in the air. I am in awe at the beauty, when I find myself in a field of wildflowers. I notice just about everything that comes across my path. This makes my heart sing. This sense of inner peace and elation is what I strive to bring into my everyday life and this is what I mean by strength. Everything else falls into place.

    Y8779, what makes your heart sing?

  • Katie;

    Dancing is great and I love to do that, but as I have worn myself out so much both arms and legs are cramping. ( for at least the last two days)

    lol... my ex is one of the main reasons I am so guarded, I let him in really deep and he used it to do as he wished with me. Until finally I decided enough was enough, I just wish that the on lookers around would have kept their mouths shut my pain is none of someone else's business. He ( my ex) would have never known what happen if the one's who pretended to care wouldn't have mouthed out my sorrow. I would never trust that my ex would REALLLYYYYY care about how I feel he knew what he was doing then adn he knows what he is trying to do now. I haven't fallen for it and there is no way in hell that I will. I am holding on as steady as I can and am not willing to let someone who tried to ruin me come back and finish the job.

    Today as I was driving home from work some woman was 2 inches away from smacking right into me and if she had my head would have been at the other side of the street. I happen to see her out of the side of my eye and within a flash I nearly escaped. My heart raced but I wasn't scared I was angry.

    Thanks for the dancing in my honor 🙂 and your support.

  • AJ;

    I am so sorry that your long distance relationship didn't last. When it comes to matters of the heart they are never easy.

    But I did this to myself! Everything was going good and I just flipped out.Trying to forgive myself seems to be what I can't do. My whole entire life I have done nothing but help homeless, parentless and unmotived childern. Seeing them though. Adults are included. Plus, I raised my three siblings from the age of 7. There has been nothing I have prayed for more than what I just lost!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was in my face and I spit on it . Now everyday I deal with the fact that it has been a week and I still can't get through and I am the new circus in town. The one who is suppose to have it all together, the one who fixes all the problems and mends all the fences, going down in flames all over my mouth.

  • Aqua;

    Alot of things do. And at this moment in time those things hold merit. I just want to be forgiven and held, that would make my heart sing. Unless you have a connection to someone who has a time machine :).

  • Hi Y

    Hope you are O.K. after your near miss in the car.

    Geez, your ex sounds like a right so and so. How's your head these days? Are your colleagues at work supportive? I do hope so. Stay strong girl!

    Love n Hugs


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