Hello there and am back in the forum after a long while when my life suddenly turned upside down and was subjected to a reality check of sorts! I started a topic about the return of my first love after 36 years and I thought that was the one love I've been waiting for in my life for so long...so dived into it without any reservations despite the distance between us. To make a long story short, I was shocked to realize the ardent feelings weren't there when we finally met in person, probably due to some unfulfilled expectations on my part. I have done what Watergirl suggested to start loving myself first unconditionally before trying to get that unconditional love from others and now I can say I am in a very secure and loving place, full of authentic love for myself which i have denied for a long time due to the abuse and abandonment I've experienced in my life. I am no longer needy and dependent on a man's love to make me happy and at peace. As a matter of fact I have taken steps to break free from my loveless marriage and relocate to Australia later this year. I feel I am now ready to be on my own and start a life the way I see it fit. it's daunting to start all over again and to leave my marriage after 24 years is heart-breaking! However, I am no longer happy and it's not fair to stay just because of the kids and my hubby who may not be open to it. I just want to pursue a life where I feel passionate and alive as a human being and be open to true love even for the last phase of my life. I know I am now able to love someone else unconditionally and capable of giving so much love to whoever the Universe will send my way. I am now patient and not forcing the issue, allowing the Universe to send me the signals at the right time. I hope Watergirl and the rest who have been supportive of my journey during my first love's return last year could spaer some time to give me their ideas and opinions on my imminent relocation and separation from my family. Will I get the right job I've been searching for and is Australia the right place for me to settle down? Will i finally meet my soulmate and find the love that will last a lifetime for me? I feel so positive and enthusiastic for the future despite the uncertainties of it all! Looking forward to hear from my well-meaning forum mates to help me navigate my life on my own. It will surely help to realize and know I have ample support even from strangers, since you guys will be more objective in seeing my situation from a distance. Brightest blessings to all of you!
There is a wise saying. We do not miss our water until it's gone. All that you crave missing in your life has absolutly nothing to do with your family. Not sure you are ready to take responsability for that yet. You have a very large blind spot to your shadow side. You crave intimacy but really you sabotage that--the shadow side--the wound that does not trust to be safe enough for that. I am absolutly not guessing here--SPIRIT says loudly---find your balance--your empowerment--your happiness in the place you are right now--WITH your family ---- if you keep running towards something outside with greener grass the bubble will keep bursting. You lie to yourself without knowing. I'm sure many told you before you followed that last lie towards the old flame that you would be disapointed but you did it anyway. Listen this time! Getting rid of your family is not the quik fix you would like to believe. Take responsability for choosing your husband--it works in it's own crazy way for a reason---it is a safety net for your wound--he is not the enemy and you are not his victim. Change yourself within your family unit
only decide to make such a life altering desicion under full empowerment FIRST. Except that you are part of the problem. I promise you if you leave without solving your intimacy issues you will only attract the same in a man--it's the law of energy. Sorry if this is too tough but I'm trying to help you as I see a great regret and no turning back if you run away from this important crossroads to heal now right where you live. BLESSINGS!
Sorry I just read your comment to my post today. I am so glad for taking your time to reply but honestly, i can't get quite clearly what you mean by my blind spot? Kindly elaborate, coz I am at a loss on how to overcome this shadow side. i know it's quite disappointing to hear that i am treading a wrong path in my relocation but just felt it was the right thing for me to do. by the way i am moving to Australia already come Oct. 24. I havent discussed formally with my husband my intention to legally separate from him. With your comments, i am willing to bide my time and get some clarity before my final decision. I thought I dont want to continue living a lie with my husband in fairness to him and all parties concerned. yes i have intimacy issues and sadly, my husband was not able to help me overcome that. I need someone whom I can trust and love passionately to allow me to really let go and open up myself for total disclosure. Bluemoon, how do you see me getting healed with my weakness and personality problems within my marriage, when i can't be myself and feel restricted in some ways? Honestly, we've got intimacy problems between us and it is a sexless marriage for years! It's not all there is supposed to be in a marriage, but very important for intimacy to grow between us. Your sincere effort was highly appreciated. Warm regards and wish me positive vibes as well.
watergirl18 last edited by
I did an updated reading for you and it did come through much as Blmoon's did....
The very first thing that came through was BALANCE. What I am feeling is that you have a tendency to try to force change or just try to get that end result you want by trying to force results. Think back to last year when you thought that this young love of your past was the panacea to your life. And how did that turn out in reality? Not quite the panacea you were looking for, was it? So now I think you need to take some time to take in some deep breaths - get yourself centered - as it feels like you may be running down that same wrong path again. The answer is not in the external as much as you want it to be. I am so happy - and proud of you - for finding a therapist to go to last year. Are you still going? This is about you finding that love and acceptance within yourself and it takes time. You have peeled back a few layers, but there are more to go!
The flip side to your trying to force the positive results you want - trying to reach utopia - is to sink into a negative place where you believe that what you do have does not hold any value or is hopeless. Once again, BALANCE. Spirit's message is to not look at everything as so black and white and to stop focusing on the lemons and make lemonade...or lemon infused olive oil....or citrus potpourri...you get my drift. Life is always a blend of the positive and negative and this is what you must embrace. Simply casting the negative aside or refusing to acknowledge its existence will not bring about positive results. It is not just about positive thinking - our inner experience and beliefs must be in alignment or it will backfire. And, yes, I also got that you are with your husband for a reason. Trust this. Also, take some time to acknowledge your husband's role in your life and your family and be grateful - regardless of any shortcomings you currently believe he has or the marriage has. Have you considered marriage counseling in addition to your individual therapy?
My final question to Spirit for you was "what is it that she is not aware of that she needs to know in order to bring about a positive solution?" The reply was to be wary of making poor choices or behavior at this time as you will almost certainly regret it and to understand that these choices are really fueled by self-criticism and/or self-loathing. These hidden inner feelings are what causes you to unconsciously pull back from others who love you. Isolating yourself by withdrawing or hiding- or running away - is not the answer. Leaving your family is actually running away FROM love, not running TO love. Look deep within your core and understand that there is a feeling of unworthiness - of not deserving to be loved - which is why you run away from it or close yourself off from it. It is this pattern of behavior that must be healed as it is not working for you - even if there was a time in your childhood when it kept you safe. Please do not take on the role of being your own worst enemy. Rebuild your self-esteem, heal and forgive. Then you will be able to accept the love that is all around you.
On a final note - and this is from me, not from your reading - have you ever heard the phrase, "Wherever you go, there you are" ?? If you run off to Australia, the internal issues and conflicts will still be there. You will just be in different surroundings...