If Cancer men sold confusion, they'd all be rich!
Hi everyone! I'm new here and although I would prefer not to add to this forum already inundated with posts of relationship confusion with Cancers, here it goes ...
I met this Cancer man on a dating site in June. We wrote short novels back and forth for about a week before he gave me his number. We began to text each other for the entire month of July, during which I had a good time getting to know him. He was sweet and very complimentary during this texting phase and after a couple weeks of getting a better gauge on me, he also became very persistent (pleasantly so) with wanting to meet up. I was a bit skittish mainly because I wasn't sure if I wanted to get too involved because of my schedule being so hectic with work (we would usually text on weekends, not every single day, which I appreciated).
Finally I said, what the heck, I'll leave work early and meet up with him. Our first date was so much fun! We literally sat and laughed for the next 4 hours until the bar closed. He asked me tons of questions, made serious eye contact, would reach across the table and grab my shoulder, touch my hand/arm, etc. He discussed his intentions and how he'd like to share his life with someone and be married in the next few years. He asked me what I wanted and I guess that is where I might have uintentionally given off mixed signals (I'm honest to the point of sticking my foot in my mouth - classic Sag). I said marriage isn't something I'm focused on, as it's all about my career currently, but I'm still open to pretty much anything if it feels right. He seemed a little discouraged after that but we picked right back up to laughing and sharing more stories. Also, he had asked me if I was still on the dating site, to which I said yes. He seemed a little surprised and mentioned that he was no longer on it because he "didn't need to look any more". I laughed it off and said something about seeing how things go. I offered him a ride home (he had taken a cab to the bar) and when I dropped him off he asked me if I'd like to do it again sometime soon, I said of course! A few minutes after I drove off, he texted me to say that he had a great time and how he had wanted to give me the awkward in-car hug but wasn't sure how I'd receive it and that next time he would "just make a fool of himself and go for it". It was SO nice to interact with someone like him. Little did I know...
The second date occurred a week later. Again we hung out for another 4.5 hours. Though there was still lots of laughing, it was a little different this time. For some background, he just finished his acting fellowship, is currently unemployed and furiously applying for jobs in the city.
The first thing he mentioned when we sat down and I asked him how his week had been, was how he had spent the prior week applying to tons of jobs. He explained he decided to apply for more stable jobs, how he knows that I have a really great career and that I am living quite comfortably (I had mentioned my career goals on the first date and how I'm excited to be achieving what I've worked super hard for), and how he is working on that for himself. He also stated the fact that he hates being broke and he's floundering currently but that he's made a plan to go to grad school. I felt like he was trying to prove something to me (the amount of money he makes isn't a concern of mine as long as he feels he's living a fulfilling life). He opened up about his "slight anxiety disorder" and how he's super sensitive to what he imagines others might be thinking of him and he is working on not being so sensitive. He also mentioned at that point that he is very much a typical Cancer, moody, sensitive, scared of rejection and all, which is what brought me to this forum in the first place. I told him that I'm probably the least judgmental person he'll ever meet, that I too have anxiety and that although I have goals I intend to accomplish, I don't place those expectations or pressure on anyone else. He mentioned his volatile relationship with his mother and how from the age of 12 he was raised by his grandparents (which is why he's very close with them). It was like a flurry of heavy information all at once. I didn't mind in the least, but I am confused because from what I've been reading, Cancers tend to be extremely private. In response to it all, I tried to express support and a sense of understanding. We stayed out super late and so not to bother his older housemates, he ended up staying over at my house (on the couch - alone! I'm a lady). He was awesome in folding all of the blankets and placing the pillows nicely back on the couch the next morning. But after that night, he kind of did the disappearing act that seems to be so common.
We were supposed to go on a third date, but had to postpone because his grandmother had a very serious surgery that was touch and go. Again, I expressed my support. On top of that, he was hired as a lead in a theatre production and rehearsals made his schedule super hectic (I was happy for him and my work schedule got crazy hectic, too, so it worked). Other than following up a day after his grandmother's surgery to ask if it went well, I have given him his space and occupied my time with work and life.
I'm just confused because I now notice he no longer initiates the texts anymore - it's usually in response to my texts (I text about once a week), but even that has slowed to a crawl. I texted him last week with a friendly picture of myself smiling in my office "to just send a smile" and to say I hope his rehearsals are going well (he had said previously that if I ever want to send him a pic that he welcomes them). He didn't reply until almost a week later ... I have yet to respond to his response. Gone are the compliments or obvious interest. They've been replaced with aloofness. I feel he has distanced himself and/or he has lost interest (but my gut is telling me that he is just trying to play it cool because he opened up so fast). I would love for this to further develop into a relationship but I'm not sure how to proceed. It all feels like a balancing act right now. I would like to do my part in expressing my interest, but I don't want to scare him off. I'm really busy too, but I'm willing to put more effort in if needed.
Thoughts? Thanks in advance for any help
Honey, they already sell confusion, if they sold their inner thoughts, they'd be zillionaires.......
The best advice is for you and you alone, can you deal with him as he is right now? If not, leave, if so, stay.
That's a very good question, one I am unable to answer clearly and concisely. I tend to withdraw from all romantic opportunities at any hint of rejection, something I'm currently working on. I just want to be responsible for my own actions and to know that I did my part. It's hard though ... It's an odd process, trying to evolve oneself. At this moment, I can deal with him as he is -I appreciate space too. Can I deal with it tomorrow or next week? I'm not sure. I guess time will tell either way.
P.S. I'm a little embarrassed by how verbose I was in my initial post. Is there any way to make edits?
Okay, so, what I THINK is that yes, he opened up and maybe he's scared that you wont want him anymore or that you guys dont want the same things. What I would try, is actually messaging him and being like "Hey, I've noticed we're talking less these days. I know your busy, so no worries. But I just wanna let you know I really enjoy the time we spend together and look forward to seeing you more." Yah know? Just so he knows for sure that he's in the clear. He may assume you arent romantically interested anymore. IF, if he ignores THAT text or continues to be aloof....don't wait around for him. Not worth it.
You were not verbose you were precise and clear. My gut tells me he had lots of time before now he doesn't, his focus has shifted. This seems to be the similarity w/ cancer men anyway. When the focus is on you it's a radiant alluring feeling and when it suddenly turns away your left going huh? wha?
Taurus7 is right he has shown you his pattern. It's pretty much a given. But there are a lot of successful cancer relationships so ask yourself are you one of the people who can bend like a reed every time he shifts gears?
MariaRia: Thank you for your input! I appreciate your advice on how to articulate a response that balances my intentions with a gentle approach. I can be very blunt with my words, so it's good to remember to soften them for more sensitive beings. I'm going to push aside my natural tendency to "save face" and muster up the courage to let him know for sure that I'm interested (he had mentioned that he thinks I'm very guarded, with bursts of openness that I immediately reign back in). I was hoping to be able to express all this face to face so that I could support my words with action through an affectionate hug. I guess I'll just see how it goes. Fingers crossed!
Pfree: Thank you for your thoughts on this as well! And also for your kind words. I try to never make excuses for other people, but this is one instance where I can tell you that you're spot on in terms of what your gut is telling you. His schedule has radically changed from free range to jam packed like a crate full of Perdue chickens; it literally changed 2 days after our 2nd date when he found out he was cast in the play that was to open 3 weeks later (it runs for the entire month of Sept). I was 100% certain that I felt a strong connection, so to have it suddenly disappear was a bit of a shock. I wrestled with wondering if it was all imagined, but now I can still say that I know it was definitely there. Who knows, he might end up being the one who bends for me too. I can be rather complex (moon in Aquarius, venus in Scorpio).
Thanks again for everyone's ear (eyes? hehe)! I very much appreciate it. xx
you are an amazing writer. we should all have your skills and clarity. don't change a word!
Ruh roh, Venus in Scorpio. Cancer heaven. bank your fires. go out with other people. be alone. Cancer men are hell on earth until they are making love to you and then they are heaven. so, i pity you. i've been in an off on off for a year 6 year affair that i had to tell him to leave me alone after his shenanigans, couldn't even THINK of him for a year, now suddenly he is all in my face in my dreams. one year ago this week i told him to shove it. now of course, i regret it, but he's getting older. 28! his chart is all about freedom. it's hopeless. but i'm a committment phobe too so it may work! he's not going anywhere and neither am i. no other woman will be able to stand him so i may be able to capture his snarky sexy self again. who knows? he's fun to think about. and hotter than any other guy in town. sigh. now off to ride my bike!
Darlin......, that is the key with Cancers......what they hide is far more than they show...what they feel is far deeper than what they express. They throw some random things out there...with no regard for the other person. My cancer and I just broke up .........but..we will be ok.
Hi friends! Sorry for the late reply. I've been traveling for work, hence the delayed response.
buhbycancer: Thank you for the generous compliment on my writing! I appreciate it and it definitely makes me smile. I'm so sorry to hear about the roller coaster of a ride with your cancer man. I hope it works out for you and that your efforts are all worth it and that he works his butt off to keep a smile on your face moving forward. I totally get the dichotomy between being commitment phobic and yearning for a committed relationship with someone truly special. Again, I hope he realizes your worth and makes you happy!!!
Taurus7: I'm so sorry to hear about your relationship ending! I'm glad to hear that you will be okay though. It has been some time since my last breakup, but I still remember the pain associated with ending things. I wish you the best and that your heart heals so that you're able to find someone who values your worth as well and keeps you smiling!
MariaRia: I took your advice and pretty much expressed what you had written. He responded quickly (within a few hours), which I took as a good sign. What was interesting was that he responded with "We should make out. Just to see what happens. Yes? No? I'm cool either way. Just throwing it out there." I told him that if that's all he was looking for, even though I'm interested, that I'm NOT that girl if that is all he wants (i.e. physical intimacy and nothing else). He responded with what he is looking for, which includes around-the-clock displays of affection, unexpected and expected hugs and kisses, soft kisses and passionate kisses, general intimacy and the like.
We hung out later that night and ended up spending the night together (I didn't let it go too far because I'm cautious and know I would get very attached), and he said he would call me. I told him I'd like that and to not to be a stranger and disappear, haha. So, I guess I'll just be patient, keep busy with work and do my own thing in the meantime.
So, I just wanted to bring this last part up because I'm confused as to what the motive would be:
Midway through the texting phase of getting better acquainted with one another and seemingly really hitting it off, I noticed that he disabled his dating profile on the site. We met about two weeks later, and on the first date he asked me if I still had an active profile. I said yes. He looked a little surprised (and possibly hurt) and asked why and mentioned that he had deleted his. I said there wasn't any specific reason, just keeping options open until I'm committed to someone, and mentioned that he could re-instate his profile if he wanted, to which he shook his head and said no, that he "wasn't looking/searching anymore".
A few days after the first date, when I was checking messages, I noticed that he was back on the site! I took mine down a couple weeks after our 2nd date, but I don't think that made any difference to him as his has since remained active (I re-activated mine when I didn't hear from him for a while a couple weeks ago). So, just to clarify, I don't expect him to take his down unless we talk about being in a committed, monogamous relationship (which I realize could be a long while from now... or worse, never), but I'm confused because he was so adamant about not looking/searching anymore. I just feel bad because I would have been totally open to taking mine down if I liked him AFTER the first few dates, not before we even met! I didn't mean to give him the impression that I was still actively searching, I just didn't want to count my eggs before any of them hatched if you know what I mean (man, what is it with me and chickens? haha).
Also, he has mentioned marriage to me every time we've hung out and once again when we had a rare phone conversation. It's interesting.
Let me know if you have any thoughts on the above. As always, I appreciate the support xx
Well... he ended things with me, so I have my answer now. I'm incredibly sad, but I will just have to respect his choice.
dollars to donuts, he will be back..."we clean up and now it's time to learn." this is the drill.
Not sure about that, buhbycancer ...
We caught up with each other and ended up spending a rather intimate night together (it was passionate, warm, we were at such ease with each other, and even though we barely slept a wink, he even reached for and held my hand as we attempted to drift off to sleep - which I oddly find more intimate than anything else). He kept complimenting me on how comfortable my bed is and how he was happy to be there with me... Not once did I question his sincerity. Then 3 days later he basically wrote me an e-mail explaining he never meant to hurt me, that he is sorry for leading me on when he knew that he was the one who pursued me, that I am "wonderful - attractive, affectionate, funny, intelligent - 'the whole works'" but that he isn't ready to commit himself to a romantic relationship as he is currently mired in depression and uncertain about his future. And at the end of it, he asked that we still maintain a friendship.
It's extremely frustrating, but if he is sincere about his depression, then I am familiar with how difficult it is when your insecurities are all consuming (basically for months he has been applying for a full time job to no avail - his self confidence has drained since he's been unemployed. He finally had a promising lead with an interview and subsequent callback, and he was to hear back by mid week of last week. I am pretty sure he did not get the position the day he wrote me).
It also probably didn't help that he knows I'm successful and that my job is extremely demanding. The morning after our night together, my work mobile ended up ringing close to 15 times in 20 minutes, with various colleagues reaching out about projects. He mentioned feeling bad that he was taking up my time when he could tell I am very busy and "in demand". Then he noted the various "nice" things I have in my bedroom and my house. I tried to reassure him that it's just stuff, that it doesn't define me and to please not judge me. I am very frustrated that he doesn't just concentrate on how we FEEL when we are in each other's company.
At the same time, my own insecurities fuel thoughts that maybe he was just after sex and when he didn't get it, he figured it was best to bail.
I did respond to his message and did not attack or accuse. Instead, I let him know that I hold him in high regard and that I wish he would let me help support him through his depression, that I am here if needs me, but was firm in that I was disappointed he didn't discuss it with me in person. I almost forgot to mention, he friended me on Facebook the night we spent together, and so we have that "connection" currently open. Oh well... it was lovely knowing him. I wish things turned out differently, but I'm doing my best to keep things moving. If he comes back, then who knows, but for now I will just sincerely wish the best for him.
yes. in real life, people are always battling the conflict between need for intimacy and an equally powerful need for independence. men are less evolved and feel more conflict. also they are ALWAYS looking for FREE sex. they call it sharing and caring, but it's really just FREE SEX. i hate to put it so harshly, but that is what it is. they will gladly pay for it, but if they can schmooze ya, they will. i am old and very cynical. please, in the future, don't let your hormonal need over ride your precious self protection of your soul and psyche. men are not wired to give a flying freak about them until much later on down the line, when his entire motivation is to get you off the market, to keep you away from other men by offering something tangible called monetary security AKA marriage. when you give it away, you CANNOT EXPECT ANY RETURN FOR THE COMMODITY AKA your vagina. it was a GIFT AKA Expect NOTHING IN RETURN.
That is really sad, that all he was after was the physical aspect. I'm glad it didn't get THAT far then. I can still keep my head held high.
Anyone else have input to give?
Designer M ~ Sorry to hear that things did not work out for you in the relationship with the Cancer Crab Man. However, I have a feeling you will bounce back quickly in your recovery from this elusive man.
I myself am on this post for the very same reason.
I have recently reconnected with a Cancer Man I met only once, 30 years ago while on vacation for 2 weeks. He initiated the contact after staring down at me from the second floor of a club while I was dancing with friends. Shortly after I noticed him staring, my friends and I were leaving for another venue. With one foot out the door, this Crab came out of nowhere with a soft “hello” rolling off his lips. I stopped in my tracks. He introduced himself, and I to him. He was attractive and well dressed. He offered his phone number, which he had already written down, I accepted it as we bid each other farewell.
I called him 2 days later with much excitement, although I did not display it during our conversation. He offered to take me out to lunch and do some sightseeing. We spent the whole day together talking, laughing and getting to know a little about each other. This guy was interesting, charming, eloquent and handsome. Throughout the 2 weeks in his city, we spent some quality time in each other’s company. The afternoon of my final day of vacation was spent with him. That evening we where intimate. The next morning he drove me to the airport, and I was sad to be goodbye to this man. We kept in touch via letters and phone calls, eventually we lost contact. A few years later, I married my high school love. The marriage did not last beyond 12 years, and produced our only child.
Fast forward 30 years later, and lone behold-after being prompted by a friend, I found his profile on Facebook. I sent him a brief message asking if he was the same person I met back then. He responded with great excitement that I had found him, and messaged me his email address and cell number. Strange thing though, he did not send me a friend request via FB. The process of catching up with each other then began via emails, IM’s and my phone calls to him. This crab never once asked me for my phone number. After about a week of this contact, his emails expressed how he was falling in love with me, and how he missed me when I left his city 30 years ago. He had never been married, and had no children. He asked if I would send him pics of my daughter and grandsons with I obliged! He expressed how he so wanted to be in my life and my family’s. For 3 weeks this man ‘wooed’ me with beautiful words, desires and passion. I was overwhelmed at the depth of his emails and spoken words. The man even went so far as to tell me in this short time that I was his soul mate, and that he wanted to marry me! Then all of a sudden, this damn crab dropped the BOMB! All of a sudden his replies to my emails and IM’s were dropping off! He expressed that his aunt passed away, he leant a large sum of money to his cousin, and that his business was suffering as a result. At this point, I sent him positive affirmations and my prayers during the difficult times he was facing. Then his cell was disconnected. All n’ all our connection was long distance. Then early this month he emails me saying his car was towed and all his hair dressing equipment was in his car, and that he needed my help! --- Please, please urgent! This shocked the shit out of me! I thought to myself...this guy’s got balls asking me to help him retrieve his car. WTH!!! He eventually got his car back, and sent me an email stating he wasn’t sure if he could sacrifice to pay his cell bill this month, so if we are out of contact for that reason, know that he loves me and he will pay it as soon as he can. Over 2 weeks ago, he sends a brief IM saying his phone will be connected soon and that he loves and misses me.
This Cancer Man is an enigma and seriously mysterious. Now I am at a point where I’m asking myself “who the hell is this person?” I have not sent him any messages in 2 weeks, as I decided that I did not want to be the only participant in trying to keep this relationship alive. I was falling for this Crab, and based on the content of reconnection, I actually felt there might be chance for us. Now I’m shaking my head at the way things have turned out! There are so many endless possibilities on his end, for all I know he may be in a relationship and living with someone! Additionally, how is it these people come on so strong and then seemingly drop of the face of the earth??? There is too much game playing on this man’s part, & I want no part of it! I’ve expressed to this man that I don’t play with hearts, and don’t like my heart being played with. Seems my statement fell on deaf ears! I’ve getting this man out from underneath my skin! Could of been something special as I’m a water sign too...Pisces!
Seabirdz, so sorry I didn't read your message earlier - I haven't logged on in some time. I hope your situation with your cancer turned out for the positive. All I can offer in terms of advice is to be yourself and to trust your instincts. If you feel something is wrong and that what he asks of you is making you think twice, LISTEN to yourself, not the FEAR of getting hurt, but rather the instinct that spurs you to question something that doesn't FEEL right.
With recent events, I can back up those who have said this about Cancer men: You are all right - they DO come back. The Cancer guy that I had been seeing, but who had ended things back in the fall, started to show up again. We serendipitously ran into each other at a bar a couple months after he ended things (I was standing right next to him at a crowded bar for 10 min and didn't even realize until a friend of mine pointed him out - he denies he saw me, but I suspect he had). After that, his return began slowly, some lighthearted texts here and there, a bunch of "likes" and a happy birthday post on FB, and then another flurry of texts, and finally we saw each other again right before Christmas. I was just happy to see him and spend some time catching up, but of course the attraction took over and we crossed the line of confusion ... BUT, we both finally agreed to remain friends. Which was great, until he asked me to meet him for coffee a couple weeks later.
When I met with him we talked for a good 45 minutes, catching up, talking about the holidays and life in general. It was very pleasant and I was happy to have this great, easy-flowing conversation with a friend (though it was funny how shy we were both acting with each other). Towards the end of our meeting, he made a big deal in telling me that "part of the reason" he had asked to see "during the day, completely sober" (when we were dating, we always ended up meeting after work for drinks) was because he wanted to apologize properly for what had happened in September, i.e. how he had ended things and so abruptly. I told him that although his apology (for the 5th time - he had apologized a ton the time we saw each other before Christmas) was unnecessary at this point, I was nevertheless appreciative of him taking the effort to apologize to me so properly. I was transparent and said that he had hurt me, that it had shocked me, but if I hadn't gotten past it, we wouldn't be sitting here talking. He said he never intended to hurt me, that he was sorry that he did, and that I'm a beautiful person whom he is really happy to have met and that he's grateful to have me in his life. It was so nice to hear all of this because it confirmed for me that he has a good heart, something I always believed.
And then he told me about two goals that he is working very diligently towards - career and education related - and then added quite nonchalantly that he deleted his dating profile on the site where we initially met, and disclosed that he is not dating and not looking further so that he can focus on his goals. I have to say, I found that admission really interesting because the week prior, I had re-joined the site myself and had noticed a few days after that he had looked at my profile (you can see your viewers). Now I'm curious as to the timing of this coffee meeting - he asked me to see him 3 days after he looked at my profile - and why he would feel the need to tell me he deleted his account on the dating site (literally an hour before meeting me for coffee). Just interesting considering that these Crabs generally zigzag in their behavior. After our coffee meeting ended, he thanked me for taking the time to meet with him and that we should actually get something to eat next time, to which I agreed, so we loosely made plans to grab dinner in the future.
In the interest of full disclosure, I do have a nagging feeling that he had wanted to tell me something else, but I'll never know since he's acting weird again ... (the evening of our coffee meeting, I texted him and thanked him for his apology and wrote that I was happy to have met him too and that we remain friends. I then texted him later that week to see if he wanted to hang out on the weekend and he replied "maybe sometime in the next couple of weeks", basically brushing me off and has since ignored me). I think he's a good guy and I'm happy we're friends, but I feel like I might have unintentionally hurt HIM this time since he's being cold again. I hope I didn't. Maybe that's just how crabs are (I don't know very many).