Hey Ya'll!! Would love some opinions and advice!
Hey yall! WARNING: This will be long so I can get the best advice possible!
I started talking to a Taurus male back in June. Two weeks after we started talking we went on our first date and we had a great time! We continued to talk every day, we text non stop while at work. Two weeks later we went on another date, again really enjoyed each other’s company and we ended up messing around a little bit. When we were not together we were always texting on the phone. I opened up to him about my divorce and we would talk about our kids. He had mentioned that he has brought woman he just met around his daughter and I told him that he would not meet my son until I was comfortable with it. I also made if VERY clear from the start that I was not on the hunt for a “father” for my son because good or bad he does have a father. I also made it clear I was not looking for someone to take care of me or my son as I have been doing it by myself and do not need a man to do this for me. He would tell me all I needed to know was that he really got burned two relationships in a row and couldn’t even talk about it. So I did not pressure him to opening up about it. On our third date we went out to a bar together and he ended up spending the night with me. He started to say things about me going to visit family if I kept playing my cards right. I did not take it to heart because I know how men could be; they sometimes tell you what you want to hear. He also kept mentioning how a Cancer and a Taurus are a really good match. I was really starting to like him but I knew we were both wanting to take things slow so I did not overly express my feelings to him about that. One weekend when I was out of town for work, he had text me and told me he was going to the movies, I thought oh well maybe he is going on a date. It was then that I realized we had not made a clear understanding about anything like that. So I asked him that since we are not actually together we could do what we wanted as far as dating other people. His response was ahh….I guess so if that’s what you want, that’s your choice, Seeing that you asked you already have someone in mind. I explained to him that I did not have anyone in mind, but that If either one of us were to go on a date and we happen to mention it to the other person no one would be surprised or caught off guard. I know how he does have a hard time trusting woman because of whatever had happened to him so I wanted him to know who I am and that is not some hoe who runs around with everyone else. There was even one night I went out with a girlfriend from work, her boyfriend and some of his friends. All night this Taurus would say things like, “ Youre at a country bar, sorry I am not a country man like you like.” Where he got that from I do not know! He also said “ is there any lookers there” , “ you find anyone to take home?” Now mind you I was texting him ALL night long when I was out, that was in a way to get him to trust me a little more in hopes he would open up even the slightest bit. After that weekend he kinda pulled away, so I called him and I said, I am a little confused as to where you stand with this “thing”going on between us? He told me he does like me and is interested in getting to know me but he was taking it slow because he is petrified of getting burned like the last two times. I told him that I was at the same spot he was at, and that I am in no rush to throw myself into anything. Our Fourth date was I think WAY better than any of the others, we had not seen each other in three weeks because I was in the middle of moving and working. He was patient and understood. We went to a really nice restaurant and had a good dinner We ended up spending the night together and we did not just “get sexy” we watched TV together and wrestled around. Even had a pillow fight, I know it sounds childish but both of us are big goof balls! The week after our fourth date he slowly but surely became distant. He text me less, seemed a lot more irritable and rude to me. I invited him to go to the park with me on that next Saturday. Figured it would be nice to walk and talk. When he treated me like this all week I admit I was a little crushed. By the time Saturday rolled around I had decided that he was either , seeing someone else and/ OR he was not interested in me anymore. So I called him and he did not answer and his mailbox was full so I sent him a text asking him to call me whenever he had a chance. When he called me back I said “I do not think we need to see each other anymore. I like you and am interested in getting to know you more and spend some more time with you but I have sense its not a mutual feeling. Also, I do not know what exactly these other girls did to you but it is making it impossible for me to get to know you.” His first response was “I guess if that’s what you want” I told him I did not prefer it but I do not feel the need to chase a man, which it felt like I was doing that all week. He then began to explain that he is having a hard time and is confused. He said because of what was done to him before he can not open up. He even told me there was a few times he had to catch his self when he started to open up with me and get too close and he would pull back. I again explained to him that I did not have a problem taking it slow because I have rushed into things before and they did not turn out good. I told him that he is not the only one that has been burned, I was severely burned with my ex husband and he knew what happened with that. He told me the last few times he has dated someone he would start to get close and they would say “oh I don’t like this about you” and break up with him.I told him that he was a great guy and a great dad, who you can tell really loves his daughter just by how he talks about her. He began to tell me about how he would always put the woman first and then they treated him like shit. I told him that I did not expect him to put me first, because I would not be putting him first. NOT that I wouldn’t make sure he was taken care of if we were together but that my son comes first , then myself so I can be on top of taking care of my child. And his daughter and his self should come before me,shouldn’t even be a question. He said he still wanted to talk and go on dates sometimes, but more as friends, then see where it might go. I agreed because that way there was less pressure on either of us and I have never had a problem setting feelings a side so would not be that hard for me to be just friends. I have not really talked to him since Saturday, just kind of giving thing time to settle down. When I think about the situation I feel used in a way and at the same time I feel as if maybe he was being honest when he said he is confused and lost. I would really like opinions and maybe even some advice as to how I should handle this! Thank you!
When someone tells you who they are--believe them! The man told you he had two bad relationships--so bad he can not even talk about them or find the truth of his part in it and not not being a victim. A good sign would be him saying but had learned something. --he is in victim mode--not good. He told you he has put up a wall--beleive him. He told you he can not committ--believe him. Please do yourself a favor and move on--unless you too are mirroring the same energy. Guarded? Your beat around the bush communication with him suggests you too are not being open to more. There are no guarantees in relationships. Neither of you are ready for intimacy and having relations too soon did not help--that's not a judgement thing it's about getting to know each other better or it will distract from the real issues. Communication is essential and it is not working as both of you put your egos first--like ok I'll mention it's ok to see others so he can't disapoint me first. That was not how you felt--you betray yourself first before anyone can. You say you two text and talked freely so if he said he was going to the movies why did you jnot just ask about it--what are you going to see? You assumed the worst? This is a red flag that both of you are drawn by similiar energy of expecting abandonment and unfortunetly where we put our energy most is what manifests. He is not ready--you are not ready. You are both in the wounded stage--yet lonely as that is how we are made--to connect so untill you both heal I see no true bond developing. It can go on and on--pulling close--getting nervouse--pulling away. Your head and heart needs a stronger connection. There should be a balance. Both of you do not trust the other withe your feelings you lead with the head. There is a pattern here you are not getting. Failed relationships are never just about one person--we all must see our part in it before we can rise above and move on. I suspect if you keep on withe this man as it stands you will be feeling the same old fears and frustrations of the past. Be very honest with yourself. What do you really want from this relationship---you obviousely are not as free about it as you think--or you wouldn't be here asking. Uncertainty on a regular basis will diminish your inner power. Either you care if he is never more than just a fun date or you don't--be honest with him and yourself--from your heart--not your logic as your heart willl betray you when he tests that "whatever" attitude. You cannot have it safe--love just does not work like that--love is being vulnerable. To keep thinking he will change is lying to yourself. To tell him somethings ok when it is not is lying to yourself--you lie to yourself and others will lie to you---we choose our boundries that way. I think you want more but are afraid if you lay that out there you risk he will run--so you settle--lying to yourself that you'rE a big girl with stoic mindcontrol and can shut off your true needs and feelings. RED flag--you ignore your feelings and you will attract others who ignore your feelings. This time around--don't settle! Be true to yourself--be kind to yourself. Sure some will walk away from that but how else will you be open to receive the right match? Be honest with yourself about what you need from a man--really and be fair to that man by giving him the same consideration. BLESSINGS!