Captain... reading for Pisces woman and Cancer man?
I've been seriously dating a Cancer on and off (mostly on) for the past 5.5 years, living together for the past 3, and we recently split up. Earlier this year we were planning to move to a different city together, and were talking about marriage. He went to the other city before me because of a new job. I was meant to go in September. He called me a couple of weeks ago and told me he thought I shouldn't move because he has nothing to offer me as a partner right now, and that he needs time alone to work through his own issues. I went to see him this past weekend, we talked a lot, and agreed to be apart for now.
He has had significant health issues in the past year with a chronic, degenerative illness. I stood by him during this time with all my heart and was really looking forward to our future together, even though I understood that his health would be declining, though we don't know how quickly. It seems that he has sunk into a deep depression and is pushing away everyone who's close to him. He tells me he doesn't want to make me miserable and I need to have a happy life without him.
Apart from this, there are some interpersonal issues, mostly communication and trust, that have plagued us throughout our relationship. Being a Cancer, he is very secretive and closed up. As a Pisces, I can be off in my own world for days on end and, during that time, not give him the love and attention he needs. I too struggled with depression for many years, but finally began seeking help earlier this year and it's really made a huge difference. I finally felt that I was in a place to give my all to our relationship and move forward with it. But he's not in that place right now, with his illness, the move and a new job taking up much of his energy and stressing him out. He works a LOT - like 70 hours a week - and this is very bad for his illness and his mental state. He's always needed a lot of rest.
However - underneath all this, we have a very deep connection and truly love one another. It's true that Cancer and Pisces feel each other's emotions! I feel that this is why we were never able to work on repairing our relationship - we've both been in bad places, emotionally, for much of the past five years, and were holding each other back in that regard because we were picking up on each other's negativity. Like I said, I've moved past a lot of that and am ready to give my all and support him as best I can. I've never felt as strongly about anyone as I do about him and he understands me in a way that no one else does. I know he loves me deeply.
We are still talking, though living hours apart. When we parted, he told me he loved me and that I was his best friend. I told him the same. He said I would see that this was for the best. I don't know about that. I'm worried about him and want him to get help for his depression. We didn't discuss the future in detail, but this wasn't a definitive "we are breaking up forever" situation.
So I guess my question is - what is the nature of our relationship? Ideally, I would like to see him work on his "issues" until we're both in a place to be good partners to one another. I want to get back together with him. I realize that this won't happen anytime soon. My plan in the meantime is to keep our communication open, but give him the space and alone time he needs, and keep on loving him. I don't think I could stop even if I wanted to.
My birthday is 3/4/83, his is 6/26/81.
I would love to hear your insights. Thank you!
Intense in feeling, this relationship can become a kind of womb, a place where you two can feel nurtured and protected. In providing this safe harbour, your combination can catalyze self-transformation: it can teach the two of you to give yourselves over to and trust each other and the relationship itself. Neither of you form deep bonds easily, but you often know as soon as you meet that you have found someone you can trust. You may have been misunderstood in the past - by parents, lovers, even friends; here suddenly is someone who seems to accept you. Is this feeling to be believed? Is it just another setup for betrayal? How the two of you respond will have a lot to do with how the relationship goes. Old wounds may make you distrustful and wary, setting up the conditions for disappointment. If you accept the bond with faith, however, it can be all that it promises.
Your love affair is generally more successful when visible than when concealed. You two need to feel proud of each other; no matter how private your relationship, you gain satisfaction and confidence from appearing in public together without fear or shame. In marriage, you must beware of jealousy. Don't let possessiveness ruin the bond you have. It is important that the two of you learn to share friends, feel free to spend time with others, and not be afraid to turn each other down at times. Both of you have an intense need to spend time alone, a trait that neither of you should view as a sign of the relationship's failure. On the contrary, you may come to resent the relationship if it deprives you of occasional solitude. But don't neglect the importance of maintaining contact with the world, either - don't let solitude become isolation or escape. Practical considerations, and the need for caring, responsibility and nurture can provide the balance needed for your personal involvement. You must also take care that your individual developments and self-realizations are not inhibited by the closeness of your connection. Beware of false expectations in this relationship. Don't think too much - feel (especially true for your partner). Release worry and fear and build personal bonds of trust and bridges to the world.
Fishygirl, your partner may be a little mixed up about sex from early events and past circumstances. This could have inhibited his need for a fulfilling love relationship that includes healthy sexual expression. Yet he may have carnal and libidinous thoughts from time to time that bring on guilty and shameful feelings. To offset these 'naughty' thoughts, he will throw himself into his work and making money. He will detach himself and approach his life with logic and analysis, rather than fall into his feeling or intuitive sides which he sees as his weaknesses. He will pursue intellectual notions of how things and people ought to be, rather than face the reality of how they actually are. Yet he is personally passionate, nurturing, and deeply emotional, a natural empath who should invoke this ability to be better to himself. Issues of money and personal relationships can seem to him like a drag that pulls him back to reality when he gets tempted to go off on humanity-saving missions and sexual financial binges. Yet once he faces his need for intimacy and isn't afraid of it, he can grow up and enjoy a normal loving relationship. Mental or professional competitiveness and a need for control can be roadblocks for him in both work and love. Keeping his integrity while remaining practical is his path to career prosperity as he hates stark commercialism and strives to always produce quality work. Growing up for him means dealing with the financial world without being totally corrupted or driven mad by it. A little monogamy and seeing his emotions as an asset and not something to fear wouldn't hurt him, either.
Captain, thank you! Your last line, especially, is spot-on - those are two of his negative traits I struggled with greatly. I think both of us settled into the "womb" for too long and neglected ourselves and our lives outside the relationship. We are both slow to heal from perceived or actual slights as well, and letting those knock around our little insular world was very damaging.
A lot to work on, but this will help guide my path. Thank you again.