Captain and everyone else - Questions about visualisation and some experiences
Meditation came to me or rather found me a couple of months back. I took Reiki initiation about three months back to connect with my spiritual side and to be an agent of help. I had a painful twenty day cleansing period, something of which my Reiki guide had warned me about but we didn’t know it would be this tremendously painful, both psychologically and physically. It seemed like all my worst fears, pain and insecurities were surfacing and clogging me in from all sides. The very next day I cried uncontrollably for hours and nothing would help. I had a tremendously painful period. Reiki, medicines, hot water bag nothing was working, it almost seemed like it was some sort of a karmic pain. I asked for help and was told 'you are getting what you need'. I do not know if it meant 'deserve', 'cleansing' or 'help'. After that for the rest of the twenty days I was constantly nauseous, feverish and in pain. It all subsided post those twenty days but it left me wrecked and emotionally exhausted. I fail to understand why it was so severe. Why? And what really happened to me back then?
But I also found I was able to meditate with a deeper concentration.
I have had a couple of experience during these meditations that I fail to find answers for. For instance there is a constant left-ward tilt or pressure on the left side of my head. If not this then I feel I am completely oriented in a left-ward slant. Is this to do with not being able to center myself, ground myself? I do grounding exercises too. I give myself reiki to my root chakra, walk barefoot, visualise myself growing roots into the ground and physically I do not feel spaced out anymore, something that drove me crazy earlier. Yet the left-ward tilt remains without any change. What does it mean and what do I make of it? Am I doing something wrong with respect to the technique, I really don't think so...
I also visualise opening up my crown chakra and rooting myself at the same time, as Captain suggested on another thread and it has helped a lot. The other day I was 'told' to 'let go'. It simply passed as a thought in my head and after a split second my mind did a double-take and told me 'listen'. And I knew it was a message for me. I started letting go slowly and yes, this is what I need.
Also, I think I may be talking to my guardian angels. Sometime, a short while before I took Reiki initiation I was saved from an accident in a very uncanny way. I looked at the last minute at a speeding bus coming towards me, which is very unlike me. Immediately I knew it is my guardian angels protecting me and I stopped and thanked them immediately. (A million times before this in my life I have felt 'saved' and 'protected' but never with so much assurance. I am very thankful.)
A few months back I had a vision of this very old and wizened person looking with immense kindness and love at me. Before going to sleep I always thank Reiki and the Universe for helping me. I did that and closed my eyes and I see this person in white robes smiling ever-so lovingly at me, putting his (or her, couldn’t make out) hand on my head and saying, ‘I love you,’ in the kindest way possible. My sister who gives me Reiki regularly says she invokes the help of Angels and it could be Angel Gabriel as she asks him for help often and since historically the angel’s gender orientation is said to be androgynous. I could see every little wrinkle on the angel’s face but couldn’t make out if it was a man I was looking at or a woman. This happened before the accident incident.
Recently, I have had long conversations with what could be my guardian angels three-four times. It wasn’t the kind old white-robed person although I feel its presence all the time (or maybe its just a psychological reassurance?) It was a perky, pixie-like playful person with so much wisdom, friendship, stillness and knowledge I could feel the instant security and reassurance. The conversations were very rapid and staccato, in words, in English. I asked questions regarding my personal life and the answers were such that later made me wonder if I was all making it up? Was it my own psychological need for reassurance and help creating it? Or was it my intention and will that was creating it? There were times when the Angel was quiet, there were times when he said ‘You will know when the time is right’ and there were times when his answers were downright shocking. I’d love to post all the conversations verbatim but the post is already so long. I told him it was him who saved me from the accident wasn’t it? To this he gave me the widest possible smile indicating, ‘You knew, didn’t you?’ It was very reassuring. I also told him I didn’t believe in him and I had doubts and I’d go and ask Captain if he existed (in retrospect this seems really childish, I am sorry) to which he said, he knew I was doubting and that I’d ask and I could ask Captain, she was a very pure soul.(Exact words) I asked him if I will be able to remember everything he told me cause I generally don’t remember. He said I will. Also that he will visit me whenever I need him. And then he left. After that I got scared that I was playing with myself and was creating a schism in my mind so stopped trying to communicate. But everytime I have wanted to sincerely speak to him he has come.
A few days back I saw two of them, both my angels, almost like twins and we had similar conversations. I was extremely scared I would end up feeding myself all kinds of self-fulfilling prophecies and come to complete ruin. But something in me thinks it is not as simple as that. But then it could be can’t it? Everything I have read or heard of your angels visiting and guiding you is so contradictory to what I am experiencing I needed to ask, what is it that I am under-going?
There are times when I am crystal-clear that something is a ‘message’ as opposed to something I am thinking even if I don’t know the meaning. But there are times when I am simply confounded. Is it because I am so new at meditating and my spirituality still needs to open up more? Or is it something else?
And now something that has been actually troubling me. When I pray for others I tend to get negative messages. Why does that happen? Is my intention and will too strong and I am not surrendering my ego while praying? Or am I not meant to help?
It doesn't happen all the time but has happened three-four times till now. Once was when my aunt was in the hospital and I was praying for her I saw her writhing in pain and saying sharply, ‘Please don’t.’ We knew she wasn't in pain in real life to react like that then what did that mean? Then once I was praying for my husband I saw him weeping desperately and saw my angel’s (the white-robed benevolent person I see) face suddenly become all grim. A second back when I was praying for myself I was bestowed with the most loving smile and when I prayed for my husband the face suddenly becomes grim...The other day I was praying for ut_it’s little nephew and I suddenly saw him crying. He was fine when I visualised him but as soon as I started praying for him he started crying. (The previous day when I prayed for him, his mother and ut_it, all was fine though.) Needless to say whenever this happens I stop immediately, snap out and disconnect all contact at all times but this recurrence troubles me. What is happening here?
Am I unwittingly sending out negative energy while praying? I sincerely hope not.
Also, my angels always talk to me from my right shoulder, if that means anything. And no the left-ward tilt / pressure doesn't change or alter. But just once during one such conversation I felt pressure on the lower right side of my brain.
You are not sending out negative energy to people - you are simply tuning into the pain or confusion (it may be physical, emotional or mental pain) they are feeling - you are connecting and empathizing with them. We all feel pain from time to time. And it really doesn't matter where your information and messages are coming from - from spirit, your guides, those who have passed over, the angels, or your Higher Self - as long as they are positive and useful to you, it doesn't matter who is sending them. Try not to focus on the sender but on the messages themselves.
Thanks Captain, that is a relief. I was very troubled that I might be adding to the pain of those already in pain. When I see them in pain while praying should I continue praying then? What should I do then?
All the answers have always helped. They have always been positive. I am not worried who these messages are coming from as long as I am sure it is not my own mind and will creating it. That is my worry. I do not want to create a parallel justification through my intellect and label it messages from my angels. That would be so self-defeating wouldn't it? Do you think I am doing that? Sometimes the messages have been contradictory. (But never harmful) Like I'd keep getting the message to leave my marriage and then the next day when we sat down to decide how do we go about it something made me want to give it another shot and I convinced my husband we could. That day I spoke to my angel and said sorry I did not follow what he said I should be doing, he said it was a test and I had passed. Also, all the messages I get seem like I have always known this inside me hence I feel it to be own sub-conscious playing with me...It is not mistrust Captain, no truly its not. Just that my thinking, belief system and justifications are so not centered I do not want it to control my life anymore.
And about the 'cleansing period' post the Reiki initiation...what really happened? I remember when my father took Reiki initiation a couple of years back it was equally painful for him, if not more and he had to ultimately resort to anti-depressants and pain relief...The experience was so demoralising for him he stopped practicing Reiki completely after that. The only explanation I can find is because it is the cleansing period the more 'junk' you have inside of you the more painful the cleansing will be hence we went through what we did and there is nothing more beyond it.
"The only explanation I can find is because it is the cleansing period the more 'junk' you have inside of you the more painful the cleansing will be hence we went through what we did and there is nothing more beyond it. "
Exactly - I wonder if these healing sessions bring out too much at once, which is why it gets overwhelming. I think sometimes it should be a slower, bit-by-bit process where you get to assimilate and heal each issue before moving onto the next one.
This advice from Steve Pavlina is about ego vs. intuition - "It takes practice to recognize the difference between genuine intuitive guidance and ego-based messages. To tell one from the other, ask yourself if there is any fear related to the message you received. False guidance is rooted in fear. The underlying assumption is that the world is unsafe and that you are not secure, so the guidance will be aimed at increasing your degree of control. Genuine intuitive guidance comes from a place of love and the assumption that you are perfectly safe and secure as you are, so instead of trying to gain control, the focus is on expressing your true self. The ego requires external results in order to feel good. It will push you to achieve more in the hopes that it will make you happier. Its focus is outside-in. Genuine intuitive guidance is inside-out. It will urge you first to work on your inner development and secondly to express your best qualities outward. It will not push you to seek happiness outside of yourself. Also the ego assumes you live in a world of scarcity. For you to gain, someone else must lose. The ego’s message assumes you live in a competitive world of winners and losers, rich and poor, successful and unsuccessful. Your higher self knows only abundance. It assumes there is plenty to go around, and that when you gain, so does everyone else. It urges you towards joyful self-expression. The voice of ego remains stuck in your head. It needs to justify itself to you through logic; it will eagerly engage you in a mental debate to prove that it’s right. Intuition is heart-centered. Its guidance will make you feel joyful and uplifted. It doesn’t bother with justification because it expects you to recognize it as truth. If you attempt to debate with it, it will simply give you the same answer again.
Here are some specific examples to illustrate the difference:
Intuition guides you to write a song from your heart. Ego wants you to write a song that will become a hit.
Intuition guides you to ask someone on a date to share your happiness with someone. Ego pushes you to get a date so you won’t be alone.
Intuition guides you to start a business that will help people. Ego urges you to start a business to get rich.
Intuition guides you to forgive. Ego pushes you to seek revenge.
Notice that the actual guidance can be the same from either voice. Yet you’ll attract vastly different outcomes depending on the intention behind your actions. When you heed the voice of intuition, you invite the flow of greater love, inner peace, and abundance. When you heed the voice of ego, you invite more fear which fuels your drive for ever greater control. Both of these are unending cycles.
Which voice should you listen to?
There is no should. The choice is entirely yours to make. If you align your consciousness with fear-based thinking, meaning that you believe that the world is inherently unsafe and that you need control to feel secure, then you’ll be led by the voice of ego. You will take an outside-in approach to life, making the physical world primary and your inner world secondary. The central focus of your life will be to achieve security by gaining control over your external world. As an example, this is presently how the United States relates to the rest of the world: achieve greater and greater control in order to assuage fear.
If, however, you align with love, meaning that you believe you’re unconditionally safe here and that your true self can never really be harmed, then you’ll be led by the voice of intuition. You’ll take an inside-out approach to life, so your inner world will be primary and your outer world secondary. The central focus of your life will be joyful self-expression. As an example, this alignment was how Jesus and Buddha interacted with the world: express inner peace and joy outward through loving service.
Although one approach may sound better than the other, both are equally valid. You should feel completely free to choose whichever alignment you feel most drawn to. Most likely you currently find yourself on the fear side, since that’s the most popular approach and one that is socially conditioned in the Western world. While you can certainly listen to both voices, these two mindsets are really incompatible, so you’ll achieve more congruent results if you consciously decide to polarize one way or the other. You always remain free to switch alignments at any time."
That helped Captain, thanks. Read it a few times since you posted and I think I am on the right track. I always remember the differentiation you made about knowing your intuition vs thoughts based on fear. As I recall every single experience I've had with messages and my intuition, and read them in the light of what Steve Pavlina says it makes more sense. I can already see what was what and what it means when your ego is spurring you towards control vs intuition encouraging you to blossom. Both have happened to me. You know Captain, I think I am quite lucky in the sense that despite my superficial confusion my gut always speaks a tad bit louder and all I need to do is LISTEN. Shall bookmark this and keep coming back every now and then. I think I am beginning to learn how to differentiate and just need to allow myself to believe in myself now.
Captain, I have been noticing something troubling since the past few days now, more than a week actually.
Whenever I go to sleep in my bedroom I get ghostly visions. Like maybe a disfigured entity, black swaying bat-like thing, or ghosts as such...It leaves me feeling a little disturbed and that something is not 'right'. I fail to be able to go back to sleep so I sleep in the other bed in the living room where none of this happens. The visions last for a second or two and I try to visualise being protected by white light after that but a sense of discomfort remains...it is not fear exactly. I am not really scared of darkness or ghosts or paranormal phenomena even if evil but there is a distinct sense of discomfort. Like I need to be on my guard. I don't otherwise feel anything unnatural about my room, which I love in day time and night-time. It is also my workplace where I pound away on my computer in the wee hours of the night without feeling anything except calm and security. But this happens only when I lie down to sleep in the night.
Saggigirl, I agree with everything Captain said, just one thing I'd like to add. Sometimes spiritual disbalances can manifest themselves in a very physical way, in a form of various deseases. If I were you, I'd talk to the physician about the pressure on the left side of your head and everything else. Don't want to alarm you, but sometimes we need to take care of physical manifestations in parallel with spiritual/emotional causes. Hope you feel better soon !
Have you tried asking the entity what it wants - it may be a messenger of sorts?
Its not one entity Captain and neither does it stay for long. Just a passing vision which takes different forms but leaves behind a sort of uneasiness.
VS - Thanks for that dear. Will surely keep that in mind!
It's probably just spirits passing through and you becoming more and more aware of them. There are whole other worlds and dimensions that we generally know nothing about.
Great then. Thanks Captain.