Scoripio Men - I Need Your Input
It must have been a considerably different atmosphere around here in the mid 80s. I just went to Bosnia yesterday, even. I was in Velika Kladusa..do you remember the big economic scandal in the late 80s at Agrokomerc, the Yugoslav Watergate? Same place. I really like it here, but might be moving back home in the next couple of months. I'm expecting some serious reverse culture shock.
These similarities are indeed interesting, and amusing to be honest:)
Good. I'm glad his celibacy isn't part of his core set of beliefs. I wouldn't be surprised if he isn't changing his mind and intentions moment to moment, day to day. This is what's happened to me and what I've seen in the past: Something that I've noticed about the few scorps I've come close to (myself included) is that we're all terribly sensitive whether we want to admit it or not and cling to past relationships. Most of us had fewer partners that most, but had longer relationships as well. I had a very serious girlfriend in college that I was with for a few years and while I'd like to skip the details, the break up was ugly. I think I went from 1994 to 1997 without any kind of meaningful romantic relationship with only a few casual encounters. I was still completely hung up on her (trend forming here, I know...:P) and my confidence was completely shattered when it came to dating. I didn't actively pursue anyone or welcome, let alone acknowledge advances until I was literally jumped on. During that time, I half expected to get back together with this ex, but didn't actually want to. I doubt that makes any sense at all.
I don't know if this is some sort of normal behavior or not, but most of these same Scorps, myself included again, were all fanatical about needing closure. Even them I don't ever see myself letting go completely. I'm friends with most of my ex-girlfriends. Most think I'm weird for it, but it always seemed silly to spend the time and energy to build intimacy with someone only to throw it away later. Has he dated since his divorce?
You've mentioned his dirty sense of humor and how he plays with words, but says he does this with everyone. When he jokes like this with you, are you a "recipient" of the joke or just somehow included? My humor tends to be like that and I joke with everyone this way as a rule. On the other hand, if I'm joking with a woman and she's somehow "receiving" the joke, it's not innocent on my part at least. That's just me...
I'm hoping someone else will confirm my behavior, otherwise I'm looking a little goofy and neurotic I'm afraid!
I have never been to Velika but resettled many refugees from there to the US. reverse culture shock is a bummer. Have lived all over the place, coming home gets easier each time. the worst was coming back home after a couple of years in Africa. I do not envy you. the U.S. Is really going to make you cranky!
Your behavior is very normal. Totally humanoid. I don't know with my guy about his dating life after his divorce. he never mentioned anything and I never really asked. we have scores of mutual friends who he has known far longer than me. I am sure they know the scoop, but at the same time I want to protect him and not put anything out there weird by asking questions. i just keep my ears and eyes open and glen info. the strange thing is that people I know and don't know will start talking to me about him all the time, here in the US or whatever country I happen to be in. while I was in India one woman I met started telling me about him and mentioned that her friend and he were romantically interested in each other but there was something that went down and nothing really happened. a strange thing happened when I was taking a course in India, I was doing a talking process with two Indian women, talking about our lives. I thought I would share my feelings about this man, not mentioning him by name name, only mentioning he was a teacher in the US wi with no other descriptors. They both said immediately they knew who he was. long story short, they got visions of him in their heads and they knew it was him-- in INDIA! I had people I don't know contacting me from Poland to try to figure out how to get him to come and teach a course to the Polish military. People intuitively connect he and I on a regular basis, whether they know us or not.
Ok, as for the humor and innuendos, he does both . It is often directed at me. Once we were talking about fitness and I was going to start working out more and said, 'you'll see the difference the next time you see me' and in a not so innocent voice and with THAT look, he said, 'oh no, I'll feel the difference...'. One of my students is this young man in dire need of some parental type guidance so I have taken him under my wing. He is Indian and from his cultural perspective really honors me like his Mom. This young man was hugging me and sitting near me all the time. I said to my guy, he's like my son, and my guy said, 'you think he is thinking of you that way, he's got something completely different on his mind.' Implying something less than filial love. it totally wasn't true, he was just provoking. We were visitng a friend once, overnighting, separate rooms, of course and he said in a very suggestive tone, 'you can come visit me in my room anytime.' Celibate my a$$! Our Skype chats go over the top, he says all kinds of loaded things. He constantly compliments me on everything from my appearance and cooking to how I am with people, how I am as a teacher. There is palpable and expressed love, admiration and respect between us. He is the biggest cheerleader I have ever had in my life.
Sorry, iPad flipping, didn't finish last post.
Back to you, I totally get staying connected to exes. i have done so when the root of the relationship was friendship, the toxic ones, I had to let go. I have had very few partners in my life. same deal ,long term relationships with long gaps in between. I have never been a dater, ever. I have pined for men for years, this is my wicked pattern. However, I have always won in the end with patience and perseverance; I have strangely always gotten the guy, even in the most adverse situations and illogical situations. I must have a lot of Scorp in me as I can wait things out until the cows come home.
My guy had such a painful marriage, he did everything he good to save it (his ex was in an accident and had a personality altering head injury) but to no avail. He was recently telling me about a remaining piece of furniture he has from their marriage that reminds him of her and he wants to get rid of it. He and I have gone antique shopping to find a replacement. He doesn't communicate with her, that I know. His pain still feels so fresh to me and all of this happened over 10 years ago.
I am fanatical about closure, too. Totally get that. Which is why I get so frustrated with my guy. I seek closure on the romantic part (of course, there IS no romantic part, it's all in my head, haha!) and then my guy says something provocative or tender again and I am back in the soup!
Think you're right, subtlety, patience and perseverance is the way to go, all the while making sure I don't lose my mind on the way. I know he needs to feel safe and trust befoe anything can happen will focus on that aspect.
Oh I See, that is incredible, but yes I see what your saying about the synchrocities as well, those never fail to amaze me each time I witness that in others or my own, its wonderful to know life is really not that mundane, their really are connections and they come through even far away.
I completely get what your going through. I am in a similar situation with a Scorpio guy and what I have come to think about it is this. That when he i scomplimenting, hugging, staring those are all actions that he doesnt even realize he is doing and they are genuine but when you bring them to his attention he realizes you have seen something he didn't mean to or wasn't ready to show so he then needs to in true scorpio form shoot you down with his words because he needs to have control of the situation. I am a Libra and this drives me up a wall because I like to be told whats going on, not read through the lines but I think with Scorpio's or atleast mine that is what I have to do for now, because they will never reveal something until they are ready and even then there is no guarentee it will be said. I would go with your gut on this one and just let things play out without brining them to his attention, things will probablly just fall into place. Hope this helps! Good luck!
Littlej, Ahhhh, this resonates as true to me. His words and actions have always felt true and sincere, I know scorpios are not big on false compliments and mean what they say and do. I also know, from conversations with him regarding his actions and behaviors with other people, he seems genuinely suprised and unaware about how his words and presence affect or are perceived by other people. I told him once I think I am in his life to help soften his edges as he so often comes off as alooof and arrogant and it pains him to know this because he doesn't intend that. He definitely needs to be in control and I clearly tried to usurp that control by being direct with him about my feelings and my perception of his feelings for me on two occaisions. On a long car ride with a friend today we were talking about our relationships and I think I need to continue to have stimulating conversations with him, provoking intrigue and his intellect, help him to feel completely safe with me and to trust me, and, as you said, let it all evolve in its time. Thanks for your input! I love and loath the mystery all at once. I love a challenge but I also love some indication there is progress.
@Leslye Any luck?
Hi Scorpio1973. I just wrote you a lengthy reply and somehow deleted it. Oy vey... How are you and your Scorp? I just got back from spending 5 days on a meditation course (clearing the cobwebs of my mind) that my guy was teaching. Leading up to the course I had a series of epiphanies about him and the whole situation. I realized even though I am certain he is conflicted in his feelings and attracted, I have to absolutely accept and respect his statements that he is not interested in a relationship with me or anyone else. I couldn't continue to hang on to hopes that something in him may shift. So, with that acceptance of him and the situation, I went to this course. I was mostly in silence and meditation and did not engage with him much as he taught. We had a few sweet encounters, but it was just that, sweet, as friends, not romantic. His energy had also shifted and I was no longer feeling that sexual energy nor was he flirting. He is such a beautiful teacher and in some ways I fell in love with him all over again, but from a place of admiration and respect for who he is rather than who I wanted him to be for me. Upon coming back home, I feel liberated and realize how my hanging on to hopes of a relationship with him have held me back in other areas of my life and kept me from making decisions that needed to be made for my life. The longing and tormented feeling is gone. I have to be honest though and say if he called me tomorrow and told me he loved me and wanted to be together, i would be over the moon. I accept that this is highly unlikely to happen and for the first time in a couple of years, I feel settled and not likely to get thrown off kilter. Yeah for me! Tell me what's up with you.
Wow..Good on you! I like how you said this: "from a place of admiration and respect for who he is rather than who I wanted him to be for me."
Very wise words indeed!!! I think everyone (underscoring myself as part of this) would be better off keeping this in mind.
Nothing much new here. I'm letting her toy with me a little to see where she goes with it. I've been deleted and then readded on things like Facebook once or twice. I contacted her directly to say goodbye before (if) I take a consulting job near DC. She responded surprisingly enough, but then stopped the conversation half way through and went silent again. It's a little confusing. I'd love to salvage the friendship, but I'm not seeing how it's going to happen anytime soon at least.
It's been a strange and interesting trip to see how my feelings for him have shifted. The more interesting thing is once I detached and pulled back energetically, he now feels even ore connected to me. He has either called or skyped me every single day since the course. This is what happens when the longing and craving drops. New doors open. I am still keeping him a bit at arms length as I don't want to be sucked backed into my old pattern. I also need to keep detached from him as I do feel he has an incredible fear of commitment and will continue to play the game of emotional attachment without romantic intimacy if I let him. It's safe and it is all he can handle at this point in time. This closure for me will also open new doors for my life, whatever they may be.
I hope for you that you can find some peace for yourself to. Maybe a new adventure in DC is the best thing for you. Time and distance heals all eventually.