The heart of a Virgo man
buddy7777 last edited by
hi I have dated many virgos through the years i had one for my first love in high school ,i mairred one and now at the end of my life i have been with one for 7 years ,so i know alot about virgo men and their hearts,i truely love this man am with ,with all my heart but when it comes to thier heart ,they do have a big one and sometimes hard to understand i know how your feeling and what your going throgh i have been there many times and iam right now problay where you are now.You problay have got alot advise from people already ,but i just have to say to you i have been through alot with him we have had are ups and downs BELIEVE ME but i dont know your age or your age differents between the two of you ,with us we are 10 yrs apart which does not matter to us and iam the older one ,and no we have no children together but i have 2 but they are grown up and gone on thier own ,but my kids love him dearly and understand him cause they knoe too he has a big heart ,but anyways back to you my advice to you is i would hold on and sit down with him and have some long talks if you feel its worth your relationship and you love him so much that you cant bear to part and find some way to work through your problems ,and if hes like your best friend in the whole world like mine is to me you two can do it ,i know there is many other men out there that might make you happer but really stop and think about what you two have together and only think about the good times you have had together and how he makes you feel inside when your together ,and how he treats you when you two are alone together think of those little things he has done for you ,its those little things that mean the most ,plus how he really makes your heart feel ,remember the first time you two met and how wonderful he made you feel.I could go on forever about how and what you should do ,but its really up to you dear its you life,but if i were you i would really think about everything that you 2 have and what he really means to you in a good way before you do anything that you will regret later ,so for now god bless you and good luck with your choice which i hope is the right one and if you still ever need someone to talk to about this still iam on here all the time we can talk again when ever you want anytime ,iam one of your friends remember that bye for now sincerly ,by the way iam a women too.
buddy7777 - Awww, just when I think I've got myself talked out of this Virgo man here you come along with your letter and turn my heart into a marshmallow again. Now I'm back to not knowing what I want to do! Thank you for your offer of friendship. Sounds like you have a lot of experience dealing with Virgos, I may be getting back with you on this matter....since you now have me rethinking everything - again.
Shroudedheart4426 last edited by
I think Cancer does appreciate the Virgos sense of order or what could feel like control also. I've been with a Pisces and Scorpios who were manipulative, but I felt like I had nothing to ground myself on when things got hard. I found that when I am emotional, my Virgo absorbs me and calms me, I've never felt more spiritually one with anyone in my life. We've both said that we sense each other around us even if we are not physically there. It's taken a long time to actually take the step to being seeing each other. But we are very close, people see it and I was patient enough that when we were together and as I stop analyzing and remember how often he helped me, how often he listened and made me feel human for once, and the one time he literally rescued me becasue I was in the middle of nowhere seems simple but meant a lot, and I know he loves me, has his quirks and so do I but that's what he love about each other. Subtle love that whether we are together or not has given me strength and taught me how to love myself. Cancer's are so all over the place at times with their emotions sometimes that Earth Virgo makes for a steady landing. Good luck
mega123 last edited by
Thanks I'm glad you didnt think me rude. Sometimes I just call a spade a spade.
Ok this guy is a Virgo but at the end of the day he is a guy. I know a few Virgo guys (have known a lot more Virgo women) but moreover I know a few Cancerian women and get along very well with them (I also have the watery crabe prominent in my chart so I have a natural affinity). Scorpio and Pisces remain an enigma to me! So what I will say is I know how Cancer can get sentimental and are kind hearted individuals - you want to think the best of people (ie if I just help enough maybe he will suddenly get the strength to do the right thing, oh been there and boy, that really is a waste of energy!) He is just taking advantage. You know, sadly, that you cannot be a friend with this guy. I myself have tried to be 'friends' or stay 'friends' with married men who have come on to me (I felt sorry for them too, sap that I have been, only to get angry with them because it is always about them). To you it might be friendship but to them it is a foot in the door because men can't be friends with women, fundamentally, the way women are friends with other women.
In the book 'he's not the into you' they say: he's not that into you if he wants to have an affair with you. It does show a lack of respect for you (and of course his wife). I'm not meaning to be blunt here, once again
I feel, as you say, that this is a life lesson for you (as for him). You recognise it as a pattern so this tells you a lot. Also I think sometimes you have to let go and 'let God' (if you will) to see if he truly is the right one for you. I personally don't believe affairs are ever a good thing, but I also know that life is not black and white and that serendipity can sometimes prevail and you can hit relationship gold, so I am not meaning to judge your journey.
But you know the truth in your heart - prayer can be helpful too (if you're into that!)
From my experience guys seem to learn lessons a lot slower than women. Life literally has to hit them on the head with a large blunt object, burn their house down and run over their dog before they think: "Gee, mmm maybe there's something I need to take a look at?" I'm not dissing guys really, because they make interesting case studies, afterall (tee hee;-) But you get my point, I'm sure.
Anyhow I wish you the best - you deserve someone awesome.
So my friends, I finally saw my Virgo yesterday, after nearly two months. In great part due to the honesty and insight you all have provided me, I was mentally prepared to back out of the relationship and just let life go however it's going to go. The second he walked through the door it all vanished. He/ we were so happy to see each other, it was like a reunion after being away on a long journey. At one point I calmly commented (no accusations in it) that I really thought we might just be at a point that we were moving on/away, to which he said emphatically, "I won't let that happen and I will try not to let so much time pass again". Has even said that he would like to spend a day together this week, go out for lunch and perhaps a walk at the beach (we live along Lake Michigan). This is the second time he's mentioned this and it would be a milestone in our relationship - going "public" as it were (although we live far enough apart there's little risk of being "caught" together in my town).
What's wierd though is that for the introspection I do about where I stand with him, I'm sensing that HE is still insecure about where he stands with me. When he initially brought up the topic of going out together he added, "if you won't be embarassed to be seen with me". Then at one point yesterday he asked me how work was going (I started a new job in May that puts me in contact with a lot of men). I said, "all good", and he next asked, "do you have a lot of guys hitting on you?" In fact I do get some of that, but I told him I don't take them seriously and just ignore them. Somewhere in all of this my intuition is telling me that he has his own worries about what direction my heart is headed within all the space that is imposed between us right now. (He admitted months ago that he recognizes he has no right to ask anything of me in terms of loyalty given his situation. But obviously that doesn't mean he can't hope that I would make the choice to be faithful to him.) He continues to operate in a world of "drama" as he calls it in the "cage" of his marriage and claims that he "really can't take much more of it". I don't know what that means for him, nor did I offer any suggestions on what to do about it, only offerred that "you seem pretty good at staying resiliant to drama - you somehow manage to stay grounded in yourself - you'll get through it".
I'm resisting reading anything into any of it at this point. Just continue to try to stay in a calm emotional place for me, and see what happens (having dismally failed at finding it in me to cut him off). I will say though that it seems more apparent than ever that he's truly going through something at a deep level here and I think that "through" is the operative word. There are no shortcuts here - this is a process and a transformation from the life he has known, a relationship he trusted and lost, into a world of unknowns and significant consequences. My Cancer intuition (and "yes" I know it is sappy and probably overly-forgiving) sees him a bit like a scared child saying, "I know my world is messed up, and I can't figure out how to fix it, but can you still love me anyway or will I lose you too?"
Sooo....I leave it at that for now I guess and continue to see what happens next. Neither one of us is walking away, and maybe we're not walking forward, but we're still on some path together. Meanwhile I am reading don Miguel Ruiz's book "The Four Agreements" which is giving me a wonderful perspective on dealing with this relationship with my Virgo, as well as my relationships in general. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is feeling at a loss about how to face uncertain relationships - and how to control your own happiness in the midst of such "struggles".
I'll keep you posted....
Hello there: I dated a married Virgo man for 2 years, who actually did leave his wife and move in with me. You are barking up the wrong tree. Yes, Virgo men can be incredibly loyal once they have found the "right one" but they can be also incredible players as they are very sexy, too. I wonder if your guy is a lesser Virgo or a greater Virgo? Virgo men and women can be polar opposites in presentation: either they really are nuns,monks, or priests OR they just act like they are, the deal is that they can be self-perpetrating virgins, just like their sign. No matter how many partners they have had, the one they are currently with is always "the One", "the First", etc. Unfortunately, your guy is married and chances are, he's not going to change that. If he was, he would have already. He sounds like a clever guy, actually getting you to think that the reason he hasn't filed for divorce is because you are so precious and wonderful, that he's afraid you will falter in commitment, leaving him out on a limb. Baloney. You are setting yourself up for big heartbreak. If you lived in the same town, this affair wouldn't be so easy for him, or you. Also, the guy is a cheater and, even if you do get him, why would you want a cheater? If you are foolish enough to believe the old saw of every cheater that he wouldn't behave like that with you, you are gravely mistaken. I had a former therapist tell me at the time I became involved that statistics show that 80% of married men who have an affair will not end their marriage. The statistics are virually opposite for women: usually, when a woman goes out of her marriage, the marriage is already irretrievably broken. Most married men who have affairs don't see the affair as having anything to do with their marriage. Have you been watching the news, lately? Scanlon, etc? Good luck, dear but you need to find a man who is available. Your guy is not, Virgo or no.
Hi MissChristy, thank you for sharing your experience here, but I feel confused. You dated your Virgo for two years, HE did indeed divorce, and did indeed move in with you. Yet you insist that my Virgo will never divorce because he has not yet done so. We are only just approaching six months of knowing each other. The decision to end a marriage is a complex one - if you've read my posts you understand that I have been through it myself. If my Virgo were able to cast aside a 13-year marriage so quickly over me, well then I believe I would have to ask, "how can I NOT expect him to do the same to me?"
"Yes", my guy is a "cheater" and currently unavailable, but so was yours. He defied your therapist's "80%" statistic. Your guy left his marriage and created an opportunity for you two to experience an open relationship. You didn't say how long you were together from that point, but you two did have that opportunity to build on the relationship that your two years of "cheating" together had produced.
I'd love to have such an opportunity to immerse myself in an unrestricted relationship with my Virgo. I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out. If you feel like sharing anything about the "why" of that, if you think it would be insightful for me, I am listening. But overall here, while I feel your concern for me "keeping my eyes wide open", wow, MissChristie, I have to say that I also find encouragement here that it is possible that my Virgo and I will get a chance some day. Your Virgo divorced and you got a chance to see where things would go. I'm sorry, probably not the reaction you intended to get from me, but honestly, am I wrong here??
Sorry. Guess I didn't make it clear. He dumped me after 2 years and returned to his wife. Never filed for divorce despite all of it and, may I say, all I did for him. MissChristie
Moved in with me when he was not divorced. That was probably my big mistake, among others. Also, six months of relationship is not much to bank on. See him if you like but don't expect more than what he currently offers. My guy was always going to do it, get a divorce. Never did. MissChristie
And again, "leave his wife" did not mean he got a divorce. He just "left his wife". Semantics. . . MissChristie
MissChristie, I hope I don't offend you when I tell you that you gave me a chuckle in that last post (I do not make light of the pain of your situation, obviously being well-positioned to find myself where you were, if I am not careful). But isn't it so very "Virgo" to split hairs over the difference between "leave" and "divorce" and to find it perfectly logical. Lol. I have to laugh at myself here as well. I am Cancer with a Virgo ascendant (oh yes, this is only the tip of the iceberg of the circles I can talk myself into with emotions and my analytical sides in constant conflict!) I suppose I can be just as bad as any full-blown Virgo in finding justifications in the tiniest details.
As I hope I inidicated in my post, I completely agree with you on six months being too little time to "bank on". And speaking of "bank", the reason he's not divorced, according to him, is a combination of financial (Taurus wife says she'll "clean him out" if he goes for it) and taking proper care of his kids. He has never suggested that it has anything to do with whether or not I will be waiting for him down the road. My only point in my latest post is that it suddenly seems that he has turned a few thoughts towards what I'm really "up to" in all of the time we spend apart. That was a bit of a new and unexpected twist on things.
On that note, and changing the subject a bit - I often have the sense that my Virgo is "testing" me in some way. From this latest fidelity thing, to his observations on how clean I keep my house, how organized I am, how I take care of my kids, and I even suspected that the one time we seriously argued over something, that he intentionally provoked me just to see how I would react in an argument. Am I off base here MissChristie? Did you ever feel that way about your Virgo? I can't quite put my finger on it, and I'm familiar enough with Virgo's impossibly high standards, i.e. "pickiness", but I guess I never would have expected that it was such a literal trait of Virgo's - almost like a check-list in his head. Anyway, it's a growing sense I have about him....and perhaps not an endearing quality to have to put up with for a lifetime, lol. Again, I concur, six months is NOT long enough to stake my lifetime on him, but, obviously, also not quite long enough for me to write him off yet either.
mega123 last edited by
MissChristie - you make some important points, particularly the Virgo as a player (I think of Charlie Sheen, ugh!) ,and the virtuous Virgo side as well. I wholeheatedly agree with what you said about cheaters too.
I think Jen when you keep trying to justify/excuse a guy's behaviour - "the yes, but...if you only knew him like I do" explanations, there is usually something very wrong.
moondreams last edited by
Jen, I find this discussion interesting because I am now married to a virgo, I was married to a Taurus man for 25 years. My virgo is not picky or neat.......wish he was. Life is complicated.....no matter what signs you are speaking about. I had a best friend for over 25 years and she lost her hubby (I introduced them) to cancer (the disease) and she wanted to get married for ten years after her hubby had died. Problem is she married my ex hubby. I finally realized that she could not be trusted many years before they were married, I am a very true friend and it was hard for me to discontinue our so called friendship but there were too many red flags and she drew all the boundaries which I adhered too. I am hoping she is miserable in her new and my old relationship..........life is like a soap, she is very clingy, she says all the right things but has a hidden agenda. What do I hate about it the most? The children involved. BTW, she is a cancer.
Hi mega123: I take it, from your avatar, that you are a guy. Interesting comments on this gal's situtation, which is, frankly, not unusual. Why do guys cheat? Because they can. It's old, old news. Even Desdemona and Emilia in the play, "Othello", talk about it. Check it out: Act II, sc. 2. And they ALWAYS dis the wife: "Boohoo, she doesn't understand me (like you do, babe);" or "I'm so miserable (and I am such a martyr), I only stay for my children" or some other such drivel. Incidentally, Virgo are wonderful martyrs, sacrificing themselves for a higher good (sic). So, he wants that his children should not be around so he can dump his wife and go to her??? Yeah, right. I heard if for 2 years and the Virgo guy never got a divorce. . .doesn't matter what his sign is: he's MARRIED. Tell him to get a divorce and then give her a call. Watch: if Jen sticks to her guns on that one, he'll disappear, just to go looking for another woman he can cozy up with. I'll bet she's not the first "other woman" in that guy's life and you know what? She won't be the last.
Hi Jen: read my lastest post to mega123, too. Wow, I love it: the cheating husband is questioning your fidelity.LOLOLOL . He's checking you out re: how you keep your house, how tidy you are, etc. hmmmm. Making a list and checking it twice, gonna find out who's naughty or nice. . .how very Virgo: do as I say, not as I do. Virgos are SOOOO virtuous but boy, do they keep a lid on their own indiscretions. In case you haven't noticed, I am a Virgo but I have a Libra rising (keeps me from becoming a total hermit and a sanctimonious prig) and a Capricorn moon. I had asked you if he was a lesser or a dominant Virgo: the lesser Virgo tends to be less of a fault finder than the greater or dominant Virgo. Clues: is he small boned or short? Slender? Elegant in appearance? Probably a dominant, like me. On the other hand, if he is a big guy, tall, well built, athletic, probably a lesser Virgo. Regardless, my advice to you is to get off of heartbreak road, cause that's where this is headed. How old are his kids? Let's pretend that he does divorce and marry you. Do you think his kids will welcome you as the "new mom" with open arms? And if you haven't considered that scenario, you better. I have a friend whose father dumped his wife of 25 years and his three kids to marry his mistress. The 3 kids never forgave him. I have another friend who was dumped by her husband of 42 years: their 4 kids do not speak to him nor do any of their friends. And let me clue you on that part: the kids of the former relationship are and will be vehement judges. You, my dear, will be the home-breaker. They will blame you, not dear old Dad, who they will see as having been "led astray" by a conniving witch (like you). So, guess who comes out smelling like a rose? Even though he's the cheater, it will be blamed on you if he leaves. Bye for now!
Hi mega123: sorry about the mistaken identity just now. The avatar is, apparently, not specific to gender. I am new at this. Mia culpa.
Hi mog03 and Peterson: I had a problem like that with my Picses husband who is no longer my husband because of it. My husband liked porn, not me. My therapist said men, (and it is usually men) like him, have problems with real intimacy because they can't truly "let go", it's a control issue. They can with something that is not alive, just pictures or video, but when the "partner" (for lack of another term) is a real woman, they just can't. My therapist said it is a very difficult situation to deal with, psychologically. Your situations sound similar, esp. since both of you discovered your men on internet dating sites or the like. Life is short. . .looks like you all have moved on. Good for you.
Hello again mega123. I guess I am giving the wrong impression here. I do not disagree that there is something "very wrong". What's wrong is that while this man may have lied his way into my life, we developed a relationship that we both enjoy, and even when the truth came out, we can't seem to let go of each other - and it's not just about the "intimacy", we don't see each other enough for that to continue to drive our involvement at this point. But as far as justification, let's call a spade a spade, I'm not just justifying him, I am justifying "us". I'm not going to lie to myself on top of everything else, lol.
From a moral perspective obviously there is a heck of a lot wrong with what he did to me, what he does to his wife and, what he does to himself. But I can’t make a judgment on that because I don’t know the other side of the story – what his wife contributes to the disintegration of their marriage? She may be an absolute Saint for all I know, but what is obvious is that she is a Saint who isn’t meeting his emotional needs. And before you jump to her defense, I’ll do it for you – it’s a pretty sure bet he’s not meeting her needs as well. To him his marriage is the biggest lie of all, just a picture of happiness, nothing real. Obviously he uses that to justify his actions. But I also assume that if he is a man of some integrity, then he already wrestles with these moral issues on his own. I think it’s true that we usually are our own worst punishments in whatever misdeeds we perpetrate.
On that note, I fully accept that if this all ends in heartbreak, then I can never say I didn’t have some responsibility in my own disappointment. I wrestle with my own morality being involved here. I have made it clear to Virgo that this is always on my mind and that I expect my "inner voice" will win out in the end. I may have been lured into this relationship with his deception, but I certainly own the decision on whether I remain involved. My utopian vision of a relationship does not include the word "mistress" and that isn't going to change.
I appreciate that to many of you I look like a sucker, but that's not true. What is true is that I really do care for this man, and it really feels like there something of substance between us. My personal challenge -if I continue to stay involved - is to not be pulled in so deep that I lose perspective, my own integrity or self-esteem. Obviously all of those are questionable right now or I wouldn't even be on the forum exploring this topic.
I'm just uncertain right now about his motives and I can't help feeling like I have very little to lose in just seeing where things might go - as long as I keep my expectations in check. It's like he recently said though, "when we're together it just feels...right". As in: it's easy to ignore all the realities regarding why our relationship should be "wrong". We get along perfectly and so very hard to let that go... So you can expect that I will continue to defend him to some extent, because the honest picture here is that, from the point that I learned that he was married and I made the decision to continue seeing him, well that's when his lies became my lies as well. But what remains the biggest question is...is his marriage really a lie and I am real or vise versa?
That is the root of my emotional quagmire.....
MissChristie, he is short, stocky, muscular (what I’d describe as “solid”). Does that suggest a good Virgo or a bad Virgo? (Although this thread is leaving me to think that all Virgo men have cold, ego-centric hearts).
As for “marrying the mistress”, I know of many stories like the ones you tell. Funny, it’s often more the case that when people divorce later in life the children, even with the children being older and possibly even “mature” adults themselves, somehow they take it all even harder.
I am divorced after 16 years with the same man. I have three sons, ages 13, 11 and 8. My ex and I worked together to try to put the boys first despite our divorce and our personal differences. I believe, based on the love and communication we have with the boys and the input from school teachers, counselors, parents of their friends, etc. that we have been successful. Everyone is impressed with how well-adjusted our children are, often better than children of married couples, lol. But it’s because we never deviated from our love for them and we made sure they knew it. I can’t speak for why other families can’t separate without the love of the family flying apart, other than to speculate that the love within the family was never as secure as it appeared on the surface.
My boys are perfectly fine with the prospect of me one day finding a new partner, in fact they say they want that for me because they love me and want me to be happy. Their father currently has a girlfriend that he is apparently quite happy with and my boys have been doing a lot with her when they are with their dad. They like her, and her three children. I support them in liking Dad’s girlfriend because that may well end up being their family too! Maybe I’m just lucky that despite the bitterness that comes with divorce, my ex and I were able to be big enough people to stay civilized and think of what was best for our children in an otherwise very sad and difficult situation.
IF by some chance, Virgo man were to reach a point that he wanted to leave his wife for me, I already have enough understanding to insist that he would need to focus on the emotional security of his children and not jump right into merging our worlds. It’s a process for the kids to adjust (apparently even adult kids) and it takes some time. I get that. Ideally then, if things are handled properly, it doesn’t end up looking like a case of “the little home-wrecker who stole their dad from mom”. It can have the space to expose what the situation really is (based on my Virgo’s summary) two people who grew apart and would now like to go on and find greater happiness for themselves.
Side-bar to the stories of older parents getting divorced. A comment a friend made to me (he’s in his 30’s and his folks divorced two years ago), he said, “the worst part is looking back and feeling like they stayed together all those years in unhappiness just for us – I just feel so guilty…”
Which reminds me of another note on parents divorcing with children in the picture; this from the many months of counseling I was involved with: within the “marital spectrum”, the most disruptive thing in a child’s life is divorce, followed immediately by parents who stay together who really should have gotten divorced. The example of life in a loveless marriage can promote even more dysfunction down the road, than two otherwise emotionally healthy individuals making a decision that a relationship isn’t working and then demonstrating to their children that we all deserve happy, healthy relationships in our lives.
Dear Jen: good luck. That's all I can say to you now. Most of the posts I have read in the brief time I have been on this forum are warning you. I will not write again. You are on a dangerous and difficult path. You are and will always be, the "other woman". It is dangerous, and yes, exciting, and fun but you are hurting another woman and her children. I have often thought that if all of us women would have a pact not to do this to each other, not to agree to disturb another woman's home and her family and the life she has built and/or is trying to build, that we would not listen to the excuses that these men make for their own shortcomings, the junk they say, the lies they tell and how they dis us, then they wouldn't get away with it so easily. Did you see Mrs John Edwards' interview with Ophra? John Edwards had an affair with a young member of his Presidential campaign committee. There is speculation that he has a child with this woman. When asked if she would divorce him, Mrs Edwards reply was, to effect: Why should I? I have built a home and a family and someone should just come knocking on my door and say 'I'm in and you're out'? I have been in your position and I am ashamed of myself. And thank god my cheater went back to his wife who is probably still putting with his cheating.