The heart of a Virgo man

  • Ok, I have never been one to keep quiet. Neither has anyone on this site. Maybe my post is being misinterpreted so I will try and explain. I guess what I was really trying to convey is.... Many on this site defend, defend and defend bad behavior and even claim they r still in love with "???" a bad boy? or bad behavior, which is it, only they can answer this. Then a nice guy comes along or a guy that has not really been an inkling like the bad behavior kind of guy and he pays the price. This is not directed to any specific person because most all of the ladies on this site have left their virgos and then turned around repeatedly and defended their bad behavior.

    I was not defending Ariesman, in any way, shape or form. If indeed he is on a dating site looking for other women then that is a complete BIG no, no. I do not do dating sites so really can't speak for them. But any social site is game for dating including FB and this site. Perhaps what I should have said is, if Ariesman saw Jen on the site, he may be thinking the same thing and immediately reject her without asking. She says she was shutting the site down. Ariesman is not a mind reader, maybe he was also shutting his site down. I also agree that Jen did the right thing.

    Was just trying to allude that often when a nice guy comes around one cannot see this because we're holding onto too much baggage. And, being old fashioned or not, times have changed and social sites will have to be dealt with. I would hope I do not have to discontinue FB because my mate thinks I might be seeking out other males. And BTW, it was FB that virgo got all ticked off about. No one has any right to accuse someone of something that they do not know to be truth. This would be like saying I cannot talk to the men at work because I might take off with them. Trust has to be in a relationship no matter the circumstances. If we cannot get past our trust issues, all of our relationships will be doomed!

  • ABB, I agree with you about the nice guy paying the price. That, unfortunately, happens all the time, and that's probably our unconscious attempt to reverse the suffering, to feel in control for a change. There is also a possibility of the nice guy turning out to be not so nice after all, but that's a different story. There is no easy path to healing and happiness, one just has to go through certain experiences, I guess. And you are right - social sites are part of our world, and they are here to stay, hopefully. I think it's a good thing, and it makes the world smaller. I, for one, am glad to have met all the wonderful ladies here, and wouldn't try to stop anyone from communicating, even if it is with the young fashion designer, called Estella 😉 Having said that, the constant presence of "Estellas" would definitely be a consideration in my decision to accept or rather decline, say, a marriage proposal (not that she is present - just an example).

  • AriesBB - so interesting to return and see your comments since Ariesman and I stumbled into this very topic tonight. I wasn't thinking about facebook complicating anything until he was talking about his wife spending all her time on there and then he specifically talked about a guy in Germany that she talked to all the time (they met at a bike race or something, a sport she's involved with). His attitude was, "give me a break - why would she be talking to this guy in Germany". And my first thought was how frequently I e-mail Hans, who coincidentally is also in Germany. I can't imagine anyone trying to tell me I couldn't talk to Hans, he's my spiritual guru. So I actually had to defend this and say that I have many male friends and I talk to them whenever I want and don't plan to change that. I reminded him that half the world is female and I wouldn't expect him to avoid talking to them or having female friends. And before I had a chance to finish my thought he said it, "you're right, it's all about trust - I didn't trust her so couldn't trust what she was doing talking to other men".

    We do agree on that point AriesBB, in the end it's all about trust.

  • Well, have to admit liking Ariesman more and more. Does not evade any questions and answers directly. Jen, you know what you want or do not want. Also, all the ladies on this board will do what it is they need to do in the end, no matter. We can each only give our opinions and hope that it allows for all of us to see things in a different way. What is most important is that we are all here for each other and that we continue to respect each other's decisions. Have a wonderful President's Day for those in the states and to all a wonderful day in general!

  • Hi everyone, hi Jenever,

    I believe trust can only be proven over time, unfortunately, and it can only be reaffirmed with every interaction you and Aries man have. I think as a woman you have to speak up as what your expectations are. I had that talk with Virgo guy a few weeks ago, before we were even intimate. He told me right from the start that he was not into dating multiple people but that if I did it was ok by him in the beginning because feelings were not yet developed and according to him "I needed to find out". So I told him I preferred to focus my energy in our communication and see where it went. That once we both knew that there was no reason to continue communication on a dating site with other people. So, he claimed he had deactivated his membership (cancelled) and taken the pictures down, but he was still getting "winks". I made mine invisible and will cancel the membership soon. I flat out told him calmly that he didn't have pictures but his profile was still active and showing, he took it down that very night and asked me to check afterwards...So, you did right Jen, you have to state your needs. I have been burnt before too and I am taking my time this time. He has not disappointed me with anything and he is human, I know he will at some point but hopefully it will not be something major. Yet, I cannot trust him a 100%. I am in the moment with this, cheerful and super giving and when he leaves I always let him take the first step towards us getting together. It is a very hard balance for me and I have to watch myself closely. Time will tell I guess...

    As for friendships you should not give them up, neither should he. Trust is something earned. Virgo guy was badly hurt before and so was I. I am just open with him as to what happens. I had an interaction the day before yesterday with a FB male friend who had an emotional affair on his wife. My friend chatted with me two days ago and confided in me and brought up subject. I just told him what I thought in one sentence and we moved on to other topics. His wife contacted me the next day, saying she didn't appreciate me talking to her husband about the past and bringing this person into the picture. I replied to her that it was not my intention to disturb his family in any way and that he had brought up that name in the conversation and I had simply answered. That I apologized if that caused her anxiety in any way, that her husband and other people I met on that trip were just friends. He wrote after saying he was sorry about his wife doing this, that she is extremely insecure, etc. I was like "look, it is none of my business, but if it upsets her so much you should perhaps not talk to your friends about your personal things". It is up to him. What I truly believe is that no one should tell you what to do, and every person, in a relationship is entitled to their privacy and at the same time should handled themselves with responsibility, honesty and respect...

    So, it happens that last night Virgo guy and I were on my FB page and this guy Clifford pops up wanting to chat. So I told Virgo guy what had happened with comments and showed him the interaction and he said "baby, you handled that so well. You are a beautiful person". In the end if I care about him I care about not giving him reasons to distrust me or past ghosts or anything like that. But time is the only thing that brings trust into focus. It cannot be sped up. So, dear Jen, I hope things continue well with Aries man (and I wish the same for me in my situation!). I know we both started dating these people at around the same time and I am interested in knowing how we conquer all the relationship stages little by little. This is a true challenge for me!!

  • Mardep, great to hear from you. You sound like you are doing all the right things, especially speaking up and setting boundaries. ♥

  • Hi Aries BB,

    Thank you for saying I am handling it well. I have been in that situation before though where it seems I am handling things well and then something happens out of left field that makes everything disappear quickly. I cannot completely relax in this situation yet. I am observing his behavior more than what he tells me. He is a very giving person but I wonder if that might change. I got upset with Virgo guy yesterday because it was the first time he stayed the night with me. We had had a conversation the night before as to whether it would be his place or mine and he said he didn't want me to drive and have to leave in the morning. I had expressed some concern because I have neighbors that are also friends and sometimes the pry in my life in anyone comes to visit and I do not like that they ask. At the same time I have not had anyone staying romantically in 5 years, and it is my life anyway. So yesterday he said he was not going to stay out of concern for me and that preoccupation and my feelings were hurt, that if he wanted to leave because he wanted to and he was not ready to stay that I understood; but if he was doing it because of the other comment that I had thought about it and I didn't own explanations to anyone. So he stayed, happily stayed and reassured me that he wanted to...but I kept the interrogation sign in the back of my mind. That is how I ruined things sometimes, I do not let them go once they are resolved. And even the most wonderful people cannot read your mind and be always 100% there for you. We shall see, Aries BB, we shall see...

  • Hi Mardepp,

    Try to worry less about ruining things - if it is ever going to be a serious relationship, he will have to get to know all of you eventually, good and bad. Less you worry, better it will be, let things unfold natually. Probably you'll learn a thing or two about him as well, that might not completely enchant you. Let time reveal whether you are suited for each other or not. At the early stage of a relationship getting to know each other well is crucial. It's in the interest of both of you to find out what you are dealing with sooner rather than later.

  • You are so right VoplySoply. Thank you for that!! I will try to practice it...

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  • VS, are u talking to us in code?

  • Ha ha ! - no, ABB, that wasn't a code, just an experiment, attempting to read the usual disappearing first post on the new page. Actually it works. Posting something makes the preveous message appear. I couldn't think of anything to say at the moment, hence the code. 🙂

  • Hmm, yes...VoplySoply, even "Google translator" couldn't sort that one out. 🐵

    Hi mardepp! Nice to see you again. You are one step ahead of me now. Ariesman wanted me to spend the night and I wanted to go home. It was Sunday night and given that I haven't had to share a bed with anyone for years, this was not an experiment I wanted to conduct before a Monday morning. If he lived far away it would be different, but knowing that my own cozy bed is only 15 minutes away is too much temptation. Seems to be a big issue for him though so I suppose I'll have to compromise here at some point. Just need my rest you know. Don't want to be kept awake by snoring, crowding, or a blanket thief. I'm not a happy camper in the morning as it is. He's coming over Thursday and I expect we will be dealing with this again.

    By the way ladies, I saw Ariesman last night and he brought up the subject of the dating site. Said he tried to get off it but was having technical problems. I believe these sites do that on purpose; making you have to dig for a way out because it took me multiple steps to remove myself as well. Anyway, I told him again, very casually and nicely, that I really am not telling him what to do and that he should just keep his profile if he wants it, particularly if he has paid time left. All I ask is that if he finds other ladies he wants to date then I'd appreciate the courtesy of taking a step back and keeping our status as friends until he was more certain. And I assured him that I wouldn't go checking to see if he were "active". Just going to trust that he will be straight with me and of course told him that I would do the same. I mean in all fairness I'm not 100% with this myself. There is still much we don't know about each other - which I pointed out to him. I'm not acting like I am some gem and he's got to earn me. I respect the notion that he could find me difficult. Hard to imagine...but possible, lol. (I AM a Cancer afterall...) I'm going to figure out something social things we can do together. And if we get along with that, then I think we should go on a long drive together (always a good test). A weekend getaway to Chicago maybe and see if we survive that...go from there. He still hasn't met my kids. That's the ultimate test of course. They have always assured me that "no man gets to me without going through them first". Ah, my little warriors ready to stand up for their mom. Gotta love it. Lol.

    It's been interesting that Ariesman has had two "serious" conversations with his ex this past week or so about what happened between them. I keep "hearing" her telling him what to do when he relates these conversations, and I keep seeing how it makes him angry and defensive. I don't think he's hanging on to too much stuff, but I'm kind of curious how and why they keep ending up in these discussions.

    He was not the one who wanted to get divorced you know and I honestly don't think it would take too much for her to reel him back in if she has started to feel that she was hasty about leaving him. His pain over having his family taken apart is still raw, there is no question about that. I KNOW he would try to work it out if only for the chance to have his son back in his life on a daily basis. This kills him. He turned away once talking about this and I know he was hiding tears because he got sniffly.

    My personal take on his wife, based on what I hear him say is that she left for the excitement of a man who offered money, prestige and an active social whirl as a result of his job. Perhaps life had gotten a bit too ordinary with Ariesman. As we all know though, the flame can soon turn to a flicker when the daily grind sets in. If there isn't some real substance to a relationship it will start to come out. The honeymoon may be over after his ex's rush to get remarried two years ago. As I might have mentioned, this is her third marriage. Decisiveness in relationships does not seem to be her strong suit. My gut is telling me "don't be surprised to see her come back in the picture". Nothing would probably trigger that faster than if she believes that he has found someone else. Which may be what is inspiring these ongoing discussions. And that's fine really. If they have unresolved stuff then it needs to come out. I think VoplySoply's advise fits here as well - to just let things unfold naturally. I am 99% sure though, that if he could pick between me and his ex right now - ex would win hands down.

  • Hi Jen,

    How long has Ariesman been divorced? When he talks about her does he reassure you that she is not in the picture for him?. I think that is important to know. I also think he is into you, perhaps more so because you are not letting this other stuff get to you...

  • Mardepp - He's been divorced almost two years, with the standard distancing the last year or so of the marriage the way he tells it. They were in the same house and generally avoided each other, she would hang out upstairs, he downstairs. Pretty common situation when a marriage is in decline apparently, since I hear that same scenario repeated among many divorced people I've talked with. I avoided my ex as much as I could as well.

    It's always hard to know when a marriage is really over just by the number of years divorced. Mine was over in my heart much longer than I have been divorced and even I was surprised at the point that it all came undone. We had gotten so used to being an irritation to each other that I guess I thought I could handle it until my kids were bigger. But...something in me snapped. I believe it was around the five-hundreth time he snarled at me for not getting the collars just right on his polo shirts. It finally occurred to me that there MUST be something more worthwhile in life than trying to get my husband's polo shirt collars to lay just right. Seriously, I had a career, a social life, a house of my own, a car, and paid all my bills before I got married. How had I been reduced to this and why in the heck would I want my children to believe that their parents' relationship was any kind of model that they should aspire to in their future relationships? Ugh. Anyway, I digress, lol.

    Yes, I think Ariesman appreciates that I'm not bringing drama into his life, and I haven't added any to his. Some things just go with the territory given our situations of being divorced with custody arrangements. My ex can be annoying to me personally, but generally doesn't interfere with my life in general. We deal with things with the kids and avoid each other otherwise, so that helps. I suppose that's why it's noteworthy that Ariesman is having discussions rehashing feelings and why things ended with his ex. I never did that, nor did I have any desire to, nor did my ex attempt to initiate those kinds of discussions. I think that if this comes up again I will ask Aries how they got on that subject. Who is starting the conversations. If he's going to spill these stories to me in the first place, I don't think it's inappropriate or prying to ask. He's been so candid so far, I wouldn't expect him to hide anything. Then again, as I've stated lately as well, I'm tired of playing counselor. I'm not the person to help him work through unresolved past issues so I don't want to appear anything more than casually interested in discussing them. Because I'm not. I don't want my time with Ariesman to be about figuring out why he and his ex aren't together. He generally seems like a man who can move forward, so we'll just have to see what happens.

  • Jen, I think that the Ariesman's ego has been badly wounded by the circumstances of his divorce, and probably that's why they still have those discussions. Possibly the ex wife is trying to put part of the blame on him, or justify her actions, and he resents it, and possibly tries to make his point every time. He is an Aries after all - not the most easy going zodiac sign, who hates to be told what to do. Unfortunately frictions and issues between the ex spouses are very common, especially when there are children involved, and when one partner has been hurt in the past. But of course, at some point you'll probably have to make your point that you don't want to spend your time with him talking about his ex. I agree that this is very important not to fall into the "counselor" trap.

    I've been very lucky in this respect, as my ex husband and I have stayed friends and don't get involved into each other's affairs. But, then again, we didn't have kids.

    I absolutely understand why you wanted to get out of the "ironing the collars" kind of marriage, I would as well. In fact I think it's important right from the beginning to make the partner understand that you expect him to take care of his own things, and can't even imagine it being otherwise. So far I've been again lucky in this respect, or maybe I've been transmitting the non domestic Goddess vibes, which turn the traditional type of men off.

  • I feel virgo men are just as complex as a scorpio sometimes. Im a scorpio woman dating a virgo man for 3 years now. We both analyze the same, and have deep convos

  • Okay, I know this thread has a lot of comments and I have to add my story to get a perpspective of my angle for people who understand. I started reading the posts and go to page 9 and realized how much Jen's story sounds like mine. So here goes:

    I am a cancer girl was involved with a virgo guy 20 years ago (first love) for about a year. He moved away and the relationship just kind of fizzled due to distance. I have never stopped thinking about him all this time. Some days were worse than others and eventually through the years I just kind of resolved to the fact that he moved on by getting married and having kids. I did too.

    Fast-forward to 2011 and I receive a Facebook friend request from him. I was shocked because I figured he had forgotten all about me. He told me he always thought of me and wasn't happy in his current marriage and I basically told him the same thing. Our reconnection started off strong with multiple emails everyday, although we have not seen each other yet. We are both still married and have to keep this under cover so we can't even talk on the phone. I feel the wife is very controlling and insecure so it makes it really hard. Our email communications have nearly ceased. It has been 2 weeks since he inititated contact. I sent him an email last week, but he did not respond. It kind of sounds like this is normal for virgo men and they like to do things on their own terms. The last email to me said he would keep in touch and we would work it out. What does that mean? But I miss him so much! I am a VERY emotional cancer lol!

    Another part of me also thinks that since he knows that I care SO much about him, he is comfortable with that little bit of security and thinks he doesn't need to contact me for reassurance. Because he always tells me how glad he is that I do care about him and think so much of him.

    Like Jen said about her guy, there is something about this guy that keeps me wanting him unlike any other man I have ever been with. Since it's been nearly two years since this thread was started, I am curious to how everything with Jen and everyone turned out. I am patient and will wait, as I have been waiting for him for 20 years!! I would also love any advice. Thank you!

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