The heart of a Virgo man
Interesting story. thanks for sharing
Hi everyone, I'm so amazed by this forum. I can relate to so many things that happend in my last reationship with a virg man!! We only dated for 6 monthis but oh boy, he keeps comming back and we broke up 2 weeks ago, crazy! In the first place, everything was fine with our relationship but out of nowhere he told me that he wasn't commited to our relationship and that it was better if we ended things now so I took the chance and broke up because I couldn't deal with someone that wasn't in love with me in the first place. It hurt in the beginning but I knew that it was for the best.
Now that I have "moved on" this past two weeks, seing old friends ang going out he has texted me three times this week and today was the worst. He has a plane ticket to go to vacations this autum with my name on it, and when we were breaking up I crearly told him that I didn't want the ticket and now he contacts me asking me which destination I prefer so he can change my ticket. I was like "really? what game are we playing" and he goes on and says that he gets it, that I couldn't enjoy a vacation without him because I would be missing him and our relationship. Really I can't deal with him, I just told him that he was long gone for me. I hope he doesn't come back.
Btw. the thing that you said that they are inmature is so true. I'm 23 years and he is 30!!! Now I think I was dating a 15 year old all this time.
No Spam Squad. Hope all is well with everyone and sending light, love and good vibes in every direction!
Ive been involved with a virgo man for five months now. Im a scorpio with pisces moon,virgo ascendant and mars in virgo. Attraction between us is incredible. However,the virgo guy goles hot and cold a lot,he is all over me then no contacto for several weeks... We arranged a romántic getaway and planned it to details. A week prior to travel he cancelled all saying he doesnt want things go shallow and to engage in sexual things,that he wants something meaningful and fulfilling. Im completely confused. I want a meaningful relationship toó. How should i take this?
I've been reading this thread for a while, and have finally decided to contribute with my own Virgo man story. A lot of what I have been reading has been eerily similar, and a lot has been different. Here it goes-
Last year around summer time I got an add request from a man that I knew in passing from my younger years. Never so much as shared a conversation with the man, but I remembered him and accepted the request. A few days later he sent me an email. It was just a "how's the weather" type email. I responded to be nice, but didn't think much of it. When he responded, I ignored it. A month or so went by, and he emailed me again. Once again, it was something trivial. I ignored him again. I was married at the time, and not very interested in engaging in conversation.
Fast forward to September of that year, my husband and I separated. I moved home, and a month or so after, I received another email from Virgo. I responded this time, but again, it was just light talk. He didn't respond, so I went about my business. A few weeks go by, and he emails me again. This time it's something a little more in depth. It got an actual conversation going between us. I knew who this man was, and I knew he was married. I also knew he had children. So, I was not interested in him in "that way". I was just being nice. However, the more we talked, the more we wanted to talk to eachother. The conversations went from sporadic, to him messaging me from 8am all through the day, and into the night. Sometimes staying up to talk to eachother until midnight. The conversations had an ebb and flow to them, and we both just let them take us where they naturally went.
However, a couple of months in, I realized I was growing feelings for him. He must have realized it too, because one night the conversation turned sexual. After that, we found we had insane sexual chemistry, and started getting closer. That's when the games began. I won't lie, we both played them. He has a natal Venus square Pluto, I have a natal Venus conjunct Pluto, though it is wide. We have a wide Venus square Pluto in synastry (me being Pluto), his Pluto tightly conjuncts my Mercury, his Pluto at 0 degrees contra parallels my Venus (I've read this plays out as a Venus opposite Pluto), and my Pluto sextiles his Mars at 0 degrees.
I think it was honestly me that kicked off the games when I up and decided one day to start ignoring his emails. This upset him so he sent me several back to back, which I've noticed is something he does whenever I go silent on him. It drives him mad. Anyways, when I finally responded, I told him I didnt see a point in what we were doing, since he is married, and we needed to go about our business. He didn't like it, but agreed. By the next night, he was already emailing me again. This is how our relationship has been for the past 9 months. Although he has done things to play mind games with me in return. He is a drama king, and will do random things like telling me he wants to "break up" because he feels second best to my ex-husband. We fight it out, then he's back in a day or so. The only thing that has remained a constant in all of our makeup to breakups, is that he is always the one that chases me. I've told him before, and I remain steadfast in it.. I will never chase a man. If he doesn't want to talk to me, that is his loss. It always varies in how long it takes him to come back to me. Sometimes hours, sometimes weeks. The longest it has taken so far was a month and half. That time, it was because I emailed him and he ignored my message (he's done that three or four times through our relationship and it ALWAYS pisses me off and I end up telling him off). Anyways, so he ignored me. So I told him I was done and I would not be contacting him again, and for him not to contact me either.
Let me get to the point about why I'm here...
Everything was humming along just fine until we agreed to finally meet. We had set a date for the weekend, but half way through the week he told me he wasn't going to be able to make it, and canceled. Since I already had a babysitter, I decided to give another man a shot that had been trying for years to get me to go out with him. I was honest with my Virgo, and told him that since he couldn't go, I was going out with someone that could. This upset him, though he tried not to show it. He messaged me the whole night I was on the date with the other man, then was messaging me first thing the next morning to find out how it went and if I kissed him. I was honest about everything. About a week later he started pulling away.
For the first time in our entire "relationship" he would go days for no reason without contacting me. He still checked in every once in a while to make sure I still missed him, but he was not being himself at all. I sent him a message a few days into his new behavior simply saying "I miss you". He ignored it. So I blocked him. Then he deleted all ways I had to get in touch with him.
A few weeks went by, and he re-instated everything. I see this, and unblock. Wondering if he came back on simply to talk to me. Sure enough, he did. He sends me messages asking how I've been and if I've been on anymore dates. I answer and then poof he disappears again - deleting everything. Two more weeks go by, then he re-activates everything again. Contacts me telling me how bad he's missed me and that he wants my phone number. I take this as a sign that we are FINALLY moving the relationship forward after a year of all of these back and forth games. He begins texting me. Things go right back to how they were immediately. Our chemistry is ridiculous. I only get three days of this, then he tells me he's in love with me and it scares him. That he has to do what is right by his children, and that means he cannot leave his marriage. He has to stop talking to me, because his feelings are too strong, and he is too tempted to leave and chose me. And that's that. We argued briefly, and I admitted I'm in love with him as well. Then we said our goodbyes.
His behavior is so confusing.
It has been three weeks now, and I have heard nothing. I am not the type that will contact him, so if he doesn't come back to me again, we will truly be over. It does hurt, because I truly did fall in love with him. He is brilliantly sharp, and kind, and romantic, and dark, and thoughtful. He is the only man I've ever met that was not afraid of talking about his emotions. From reading this thread, I see that his behavior is a little out of the ordinary for Virgo men, but any time we ever talked "feelings" it was because he initiated it. He never backed down when the conversations got difficult. He kept me on my toes. I appreciate that in a man.
I'm addicted. And something tells me this time he really is gone.
I have almost the same story going on since February. There is just something between Scorpio woman and Virgo man... The intensity,magnetic attraction... I'm not in contact with Virgo who blew my mind for a month now... We also had plans arranged that he insisted on and in last moment he just canceled all. ..I stopped texting him after that. He hasn't texted back either. Waiting to see how all this will unfold. But,he was unexpected hit in my head,I can say that for sure...
This post is deleted!
Testing to see if my comment will actually post...tried a couple of times and it failed.
Okay, obviously haven't been back to this thread in a couple of years. In case you didn't read the thread from the beginning, I'm the one who started it. Looking back, I should have titled it differently. The question about the "heart of a Virgo man"...my Virgo has a heart of flesh that beats, but no emotional heart. I'm still in touch with him, all these years later, and at rare times even see him. Nothing intimate and, as always, if things seem to be going well, he finds a way to trash everything. The endless cycle. The "yo-yo" behavior as we came to call it here.
What I would encourage for any of you who find the stories in this thread familiar, is to research anti-social personality disorders. Things like narcissistic personality disorder (aka, NPD), "how to recognize a manipulator", traits of a psychopath, traits of a sociopath (these two terms really seen interchangeable from everything I've read), the cycle known as "idealize, devalue, discard", the cycle of "persecutor, rescuer, victim", emotional projection, the term "gaslighting". There are forums out there where people discuss their experiences with these types of personalities and it's likely to blow your mind. It did mine. Their stories were my story, as well as many of the stories that have been described here. Finally, the years of trying to understand my Virgo's bizarre behaviors were explained. How could I know what I was dealing with? I'm an emotional person, I try to look for the best in people and encourage others...which, if you do the research, makes me excellent prey for the emotional predators.
I think most of us tried to make sense of our Virgo's behaviors based on our understanding of healthy interaction. Truth is, my Virgo isn't wired like the majority of people. It's clear that he has no empathy. Empathy is essential for building healthy relationships. He pretends that he understands emotions by parroting back something it sounds like he's read in a book about how feelings work, but I can sense that what he says is not coming from any real understanding. It's not coming from his soul, just his brain.
He understands how to manipulate emotions very well. In fact he has said to me several times, with great passion I might add, "I want to know how to control minds!" The shame is that the mind he needs to master is his own, not how to control other people's minds. Human behavior is fairly predictable. He's spent most of his life "experimenting" with pushing the emotional buttons of everyone in his life and he's quite good at it. Not sure why he wants to control minds when he's so skilled at controlling emotions. He knows how to tell people what they want to hear to get what he wants. He's a charmer and a con man. Because he doesn't seem to have any true emotional needs himself, it's all a game. He feels nothing; life is a mental experience and material/physical interaction the source of sensual pleasure. Not love. It really doesn't exist for people with these disorders. They want attention, praise, support, but love is meaningless. This sense that many of us had in the thread of being involved with "emotional vampires" - it's because they are emotional vacuums. You pour love and energy into them but they are literally not capable of returning it. They suck the life out of those around them that try.
I've accepted that my Virgo's interaction with me was just for physical satisfaction and a sense of power (coming back around to see if I still cared enough that he could still lure me in). If I were willing to have a purely physical relationship with him without expectations, I'm sure we could still be at it. But I find that too risky, knowing that he has no emotional or s*xual boundaries. Plus I am so weary of the blend of lies and half-truths that are always at play. His need to hide behind his mind games appears to be uncontrollable. Just endless b.s. He distorts the truth as easily as he breathes. Still, I do care about him as a human being, I enjoy our conversations intellectually. That's why I still talk to him. I don't want to brush things off as "he can't help himself" but the scientific evidence suggests just that. The only real protection from folks like this is to keep them out of your life completely, or stay very aware of what you're dealing with. Your rule must be, "trust the actions, not the words", and when the two don't match up, see if for what it is...a lie.
There isn't just emotional danger with these types, they are known to use people for material gain as well. These are the folks that can con you out of money, or move in and leech off of you, and never bat an eye after they've gotten what they wanted and ditch you. Don't expect gratitude, it will never come. The behaviors of people who suffer these disorders can be devastating. They don't have boundaries that come from conscience. They don't feel bad about hurting others and will blame you before they would ever take responsibility for their contribution (unless admitting responsibility helps their game, it can be just one more technique to play others). My Virgo's mantra for his trail of devastation (with many people, not just me) is, "I didn't hurt you, you hurt yourself". It is always someone else's fault. In his mind it's my fault that I loved him enough to end up hurt by his indifference. I should have seen his emotional manipulation for what it is. I should have been smarter. All my fault.
So my advice to any of you who are relating to the stories in this thread is to do some research and understand that this has less to do with their star sign, as it does to how they are psychologically wired. "Born wicked" I call it, but the science does say that they are born with brains that have neurological abnormalities in the front lobal connections. "The sociopath makes up approximately 3 to 5 percent of the general population. According to the American Psychiatric Association, about three out of 100 males are sociopaths". They prey on emotionally vulnerable people; those who are naive or open-hearted or suffering emotionally are perfect targets.
Obviously I am a spiritual person. I brought the issue to this forum seeking to understand my situation on a spiritual level - because all logic was failing me. Virgo and I seemed to have a beautiful connection, so why was he never willing to "have it all"? Why was there always some obstacle, some excuse? He always found a reason why we couldn't be together. These days he explains it with, "we're just different". What else can he say since there are no logical obstacles to trying to have that exclusive relationship that he had once said would be ours "down the road".
Any "normal" man would have been thrilled to have the kind of intellectual and (what I thought was) emotional connection we shared through so many years. There would be no waiting for it. Any "regular" guy would have been more than satisfied to have one good woman and work to keep that love in his life. But most men don't have a trail of deception to hide. Virgo even said once to me, "I want you in my life, but I'm afraid that if you knew certain things about me that you would hate me". Well, so far the truth has never killed me, but I swear there were moments when I felt his obvious untruths would. He has hurt me deeply through time, no question about that.
I've struggled a lot with the question about why God creates people like this. My Virgo's life is a trail of emotional destruction. He seems to take pleasure it taking what's good in people and proving that he can turn it bad. He's an emotional manipulator and abuser. The sense of power clearly satisfies him. He doesn't really try to hide it. A couple of times when I've pointed out things he's done to me, that seemed very intentionally designed to cause me hurt, he just laughed. It's the most bizarre thing to look evil in the face like that and rationalize that it could be real. But it is. It is sickness and it is sad and I suppose there is truth in saying that it is no one's fault...it just is.
I resign myself to the idea that it is the nature of the universe that there will be destructive forces in life, as well as creative, constructive forces. My Virgo always claimed that he was "trying to be a better person". He actually kept me lured in many times with his pleas that he's trying and that he's "doing better". I believe that people can change for the better, I've witnessed it in my lifetime. People can do some amazing things when they are determined to create change. I used to believe him, and believed that's what he really wanted - not just for me though, for himself. I always knew that he had to want that for himself. And I'd tell myself that logically, if he really didn't want something "real" with me, then why would we still even be talking? But now, many years later, I believe that he knows very well that's not what he's about. I think that he knows very well that when he tells others how he "wants to be a better man", then good people will listen, and open their hearts to him and try to support him. And once he has them fooled and has their compassion and empathy engaged...well...let the games begin....
@ Jenever7, I'm glad you came. I did spend several days reading this thread from the beginning, and was wondering whatever came of you and your Virgo.
I've been trying to mentally prepare myself to ignore my Virgo if he comes back. What you wrote definitely adds fuel to that fire.
In analyzing our past conversations, I have noticed a pattern of little white lies. It has definitely made me wonder why, especially when the lies were completely unnecessary and unsolicited.
Wow, AnonymousScorp, I can't believe you read this thread all the way through.
You know your story reminds me of another man I know. We went to high school together, but I never knew him other than by name. He contacted me via social media. I didn't even know who he was until he reminded me that our photos are next to each other in the yearbook. I checked, and sure enough, it was true. Well the story played out very much as yours did. Started out chatty, to flirtatious, to sxual. Things were getting pretty heated (although he was hundreds of miles away) and I finally just asked, "are you married"? I just sensed that there were exclusions in the things we talked about. Yep. He was married. It was his third marriage and they had just tied the knot five months (!) before he was chatting me up. We chatted for about 6 months and I often asked him why he was talking to me. How could he do this to his new wife? He claimed that he was too attracted to me and he couldn't help himself. When I'd finally had enough and told him "game over" he accused me of being crazy. Said he was fed up and to stay the hell away from him. What a joke, I wasn't the one who had a new spouse and thought nothing of trolling the internet seeking sxual conversations. I mean he dragged out our high school yearbook after decades and was randomly hitting up women. WHO does that!! I remember telling this story to Virgo and using the word, "psychopath" because my old "friend" clearly had no remorse about going behind his wife's back and took zero responsibility for his actions. Why didn't I see the similarity at that time, lol. Anyway, your guy is identical in that he's digging up old acquaintances and initiating the conversation. He's the one doing the fishing. He may feel a responsibility to his children but he clearly doesn't love his wife. Does he really love you?
One thing I can tell you is that my Virgo said on several occasions, "I HATE when people ignore me". Really it would throw him into a state similar to a toddler having a tantrum. But that lasted only until he got their attention, then the tables turn and he initiated contact when it suited HIM. I observed him do it to others, even his own children (who were just young kids at the time - what mature person plays mind games with their children?), and of course he did it to me. It's like a weird punishment for his perception that he was being wronged. Like, "you must now grovel for a while before I will speak to you". At the point your guy realizes that YOU might be really gone, don't be surprised if he comes creeping back to test the waters.
His rationalization about stepping away from you is very convenient isn't it. Your situation is confusing because he wants it that way. He likes having you around. A man who really cared about his kids, his ex, and you would sort his stuff out not weave a web of deception. He likes the game, the double life, and the little white lies are probably just the tip of the iceberg to even bigger lies. Stick around long enough and you'll start to hear the same little white lies used over and over. My Virgo figured out that I would rarely question anything he said that had to do with his kids. I would never put my desires over the needs of his children. So that became his favorite source of lies whenever he ignored me or stood me up. Even after he divorced these excuses kept going. And then I began to realize, "hey, isn't it weird that this is the same excuse he had two months ago..." When his kids got older and those excuses didn't fly anymore, then he was standing me up or putting me off because he was suddenly sick. He's had bronchitis so many times it's a wonder he has his lungs left, lol. And let me tell you, that habit of little white lies, especially the uninitiated ones...those are so familiar to me. I finally came to realize that they were rooted in some general defensiveness coming from someplace else happening in his life. Just so random. When people live lives of deception I imagine things can get very confusing...it must be hard to keep the stories straight. But the larger pattern that emerged was that he never had any intention of being reliable or accountable for his actions. The lies and excuses gave him control. Allowed him to do whatever he wanted knowing that I couldn't verify anything while he kept me at arms length from his "real" life.
There's a website that really helped me see the light. Check out Love Fraud dot com and read the discussion threads. You are sure to start to see your guy differently. The arguments, the white lies, the motivation for contacting you in the first place...it's a common story and it's all in his best interest, not yours. And trust me, I totally understand the connection you feel for him, the love, and the hurt over the idea that things might really be over. You read this thread, so you know I really cared. At the same time, your description of him as an addiction isn't off the mark. Remember, addiction is an illness. Real love heals.
You know it doesn't have to be over between you - but it has to be different. You can be friends, but YOU cannot let it be anything more than that at this time or you will get even more hurt. Don't be concerned if you want to date others and he gets in a twit about it. You deserve to find a healthy, loving relationship. My Virgo did the same thing. He still taunts me about a couple of boyfriends I had while he was married, as if I betrayed him. He was married!! If he wanted me he knew what it would take. He's been divorced for about four years now. If he EVER had wanted a relationship with me wouldn't we be together right now? Yet he will still make remarks about my old boyfriends because he says we had a "relationship" and I was going out on him. Relationship? Ridiculous. I think he twisted the story to justify whatever he's had going on outside of his involvement with me, during the time since his divorce. We've had numerous attempts to get back together through the past few years. Or that's what I thought was happening. We never lasted more than a month or so. He got what he needed from me and the next thing I know, he's in a new relationship. They never lasted and he'd come round chatting with me again. Round and round we'd go.
If your guy gets divorced and is free and clear, then you can open that next door. That's when you would find out whether his intentions were ever honorable or just a crock. He doesn't sound like a guy who wants stability...he is clearly enjoying the drama or he wouldn't provoke you with things like, "I want to break up" or ignoring you knowing that it will piss you off and stir up a fight. Oh the power....
Trust me AnonymousScorp, his behavior is going to have your mind completely twisted trying to make sense of it. You will end up more broken than whatever dysfunction he's got going on. Please google the topics I told you about and tell me what you think.
It took me couple of days to read this entire thread and I can just say that I've connected to so many of these stories...However,I still feel confused as to what a Virgo man gets from this? The Virgo I'm involved with is 40,successful,but acts like a child. Goes hot and cold,disappears (a month today)... And also,why do they always come back? By the way,he says how he hates games and wants a meaningful relationship. So confusing...
Added to this,I've spent 8 years being married to a narcissist,so I don't think he is one... I guess the best thing is not to think of him and his load of bs. But,he is so cute. Can't help it.
Totitoti - I have a theory about men who very early on make a point to say they "hate games and drama", to me it says that they have a lot of experience with relationships that involve games and drama. If a person consistently gets into relationships that turn to drama you have to start asking what they are bringing to the mix. I believe that if a guy is selfish and focused on his needs (one example might be dropping off the map when he feels like it) then any woman he's involved with is going to eventually react to that and turn "drama". Being treated like you are irrelevant hurts. She could easily try to manipulate the guy to elicit the kind of behavior she is seeking or to cut through the confusion. Such as, "he's not texting me...I don't know why but I'll just stop texting him then and see what happens". Before you know it, the woman is reacting in juvenile ways that are as just as bad as his behavior. Nothing constructive can come out of it.
So you don't think he's emotionally disordered, okay, then to help alleviate the confusion let's think about some lesser dysfunctional reasons why he might string you along for months and avoid any meaningful discussion about your situation:
-He likes you but not enough to want a relationship and he doesn't know how to tell you.
-He doesn't really want a relationship in his life at all.
-Things are moving too fast and he's not getting enough time to process what's happening.
-He has s*xual dysfunction and doesn't want things to go far enough to get intimate.
-He's hiding something about himself that he doesn't want you to know about.
-He gets lonely at times and just likes knowing you're there for him even though he doesn't want to be there for you.
-You're not the only woman who has his attention.
At the end of the day, if you can't talk about what's going on with the two of you then you are going to hang out in confusion and unmet expectations. He's going to just keep doing what he's doing. Until he knows what he wants he's going to mess you up. Why did it take him months to inform you that he doesn't want a s*xual relationship? Why didn't he address that at the time you were making all those plans for your romantic getaway, not bail on you a week before. Coward. Totitoti, in my opinion he basically just wants things the way he wants them. Period. If there was any "we" involved, as in he wants what's good for both of you, he wouldn't be doing his disappearing act.
Thanks for your answer Jen. I agree with you on so many points. In my mind I'm done with him. Its just wanting to know why is bothering me. He is all talk and no action,so I don't need overgrown male baby in my life.
I know Totitoti, I get it. His behavior is actually pretty sh*tty and you'd just like to understand why/how he would treat you like this. It's so illogical, especially after you've felt such a strong connection. You're obviously a caring person or you wouldn't make the effort to come here and try to understand the dynamics to try to either make it right, or learn from it. What you deserve is someone just like you, ready to participate in a relationship that can grow, not the confused baby man who is probably going to spin around in this same place for a long time to come. If it's any consolation, pity whatever woman he pursues next because it's highly likely she'll find herself in the exact same place. Scorpios I know are emotional warriors and pretty good at releasing the idiots in their lives. Being a fellow water sign I've always admired this characteristic. We Cancers aren't quite so good at that and can hang onto emotions for an eternity it seems. I suspect you'll put this one behind you pretty quickly. I've enjoyed talking with you!
It's so lovely and refreshing to come around people like you are Jen. Again,thank you for your kind words and support. This thread has helped me realise and compare certain things,even though I'm not really that much into astrology. But,I've tried everything in order not to have any regrets in the future. Wishing you all the best!
Ooooh man, Jen. This in particular really resonated with me - "My Virgo figured out that I would rarely question anything he said that had to do with his kids. I would never put my desires over the needs of his children. So that became his favorite source of lies whenever he ignored me or stood me up. Even after he divorced these excuses kept going. And then I began to realize, "hey, isn't it weird that this is the same excuse he had two months ago..."
It's quite funny that he had already tried pulling that same thing on me. A few times, actually. I'm a Scorpio, so I am extremely observant. I pay attention to every word, and store it in my memory banks for later comparison when they slip up. I have a Mercury in Scorpio as well so I fancy myself a detective, lol. I always know when he is lying. I have only called him on it once because I like to be completely certain first, but I have picked up on little lies like that involving his children. So it's especially interesting you pointed out that yours did that as well.
@Anonymous Scorp - I have a couple more thoughts for you. I'll post tonight (I'm in U.S.).