The heart of a Virgo man

  • Uf! I lost my previous post! I wanted to say that in trying to find SeaSiren's former posts I finally came across the FB group page info. It was so nice to put together faces with the posts! You are all so beautiful and talented! VoplySoply I watched your video and it absolutely moved me to tears...I made a comment there if you want to see me too :-). Your music really touched my soul, so, so beautiful. I am really grateful I got to listen to it and have found a few more videos and have been enjoying them! Well, I hope my post actually posts this time!!! 🙂

  • Thanks Jen and Mardepp,

    I have been in LDR before and they usually didn't work for me. This Virgo is allllll gung ho and that bothers me. He WANTS to be in a relationship so badly it seems to me. And clingy? Geesh he has to know what I'm doing every minute of the day! I can't stand clingy smothering people and I told him so! He said he's not like that but everything I'm hearing from him indicates so. I just can't seem to get it right with Virgo's! The one here is all on me one minute then aloof the next and the one in my home state is smothering! Is there no median here? LOL!


    What you describe sounds so lonely. And there would be lot's of drama from me if someone I was married to treated me that way. Wait if he acted like that when we were together there would be no marriage in the first place, I don't care how much I loved him. Marriage doesnt miraculously change a man--he is who he is. I think you knew what you were getting and that stuff should have been worked out before you got married. But I think even when you came to this thread for support/advice that your head/heart was set on marrying this man no matter what. I'm not trying to be harsh because sister I really wish you love and happiness. You are already conforming to what he wants--don't let yourself get short-changed and turn into a miserable woman for the rest of your life. You love him unconditionally and he needs to love you the same way. You two are different people with different ways true enought; but in marriage there MUST be compromise. I should know I was married to an Aquarious who knew nothing about compromise unless it suited him. So we are not married anymore and I'm sooooooooooo much happier. Now if I can get through this Virgo! Lot's of hugs to you girlie!

  • Hi ladies,

    My computer broke down, so I've borrowed my Virgo friend's lap top. It was very kind of him to let me use it, so I'm feeling even slightly guilty discussing Virgos from his computer . But I'll get over it..:-)

    SeaSiren, so sorry to learn that you are feeling unhappy in your marriage. It seems like he is really trying to transform you into the 50s house wife - so sad ! Actually, maybe you don't realize it yet, but you have more power than you think. In fact the only way to to preserve your integrity and sanity as a person is to start yout own life, emotionally independent from his expectations. Forgive me for asking - what country are you living in now ? Do you speak their language ? As a person, who is living in a foreign country myself, I'm telling you that this is an absolute MUST to speak their language. This is the way towards your emotional freedom and fulfilment. It's all too easy to lose yourself when the only person you can talk to is your husband. Also remember, that we are NOT living in the 50s, and that applies to the outside of the US as well. Divorce exists in most of the countries, and it's a human right. Most of us here have been divorced already - it's not a crime, divorce exists for a reason. It's way better to be divorced than miserable. Think about it...And try not to get pregnant until you are absolutely sure that this is kind of life you want.

    Mardepp, thank you so much for your kind words about my music ! So happy you liked it !

    Ladies, please be very vigilant with the new Virgos ! Refuse to fall for them until you know them well for quite a long time. They always come across as princes charming at the beginning, just like the old ones did.

  • SS, so glad to hear from you! Please DO NOT give away your soul for the sake of beautiful material things.Imbalance is very difficult to sustain in nature, let alone between two mature adults. Virgo's surroundings are usually quite expensive, orderly and beautiful, not for the sake of the wife and children, but for the sake of the Virgo. And, BTW control and lack of emotion towards another, is abuse. Eventually, resentment will takeover or perhaps something else. My daughter began drinking more often than usual and is way different. She is Virgo's twin like a robot. SS, please continuously stand your ground or you will forever lose your most precious gift "YOU"! Call the Virgo's bluff, you have nothing to lose! And, yes Virgo's can get ugly, but oh well, Virgo's also DO NOT like splitting up the family that is why so much cheating goes on!

    We all have the right to have needs met just as well as men. Speak up and continue speaking up until he hears you so Virgo does not get used to you doing only what Virgo wants. It is much easier to not "spoil" someone in the first place than to suddenly try and take everything back. This is why the ladies get trapped, hooked and then stunned. Virgos spoil and are overly attentive in order to get what Virgo wants....then poof, it all changes. Ask yourself why this would be? The answer is clear whether a Virgo or not! It is because the intention is selfish! If not selfish then things would not drastically change no matter how much you try and convince yourself otherwise.

    Sorry, just have to mention this. Ladies you do not need men to fulfill you. DO NOT short change yourself into believing so. Go after the same exact beautiful material things Virgo has to offer and find someone of your equal. Also, everyone is deserving of as much love and attention as they're willing to give. If you're giving all the love and attention and receiving none, you really need to sit quietly and reflect on the WHY you would settle for less than you deserve? Way, way too much energy expended and is not worth it!

    So glad everyone else seems to be doing great! Will keep you (SS) in my prayers! Hugs to ALL! ♥

  • Hello all,

    Think I'm going to tell new Virgo that I'm not interested. This guy has gone from 0 to 100 in the short time we've started talking. Feast or famine is what I'm getting. Nothing but bits and pieces of communication from the other Virgo who's here (Aug Virgo). So I'm going to tell new Virgo to find someone else to smother and keep tabs on and tell Aug Virgo that we are definitely not going on the trip. I think Aug Virgo might be acting distant to get me to cancel the trip, but that's ok because I really don't want to go now anyway. If I said nothing and just didn't show for the trip he'd have just one other thing to blame me for so I'll just do the grown up thing and tell him in advance. The nonsense that goes on when dealing with a Virgo is just so much! I'm feeling sort of ambivalent about the turn of events these days with Aug Virgo and new Virgo is just too much for me to bear. I can't imagine if I would give us a chance and fall for that one. So clingy and needy. And he's going on 45 and doesn't even have a clue at what he wants to do in life, doesn't own a home and says he's thinking about school. OMG! If he thinks he will come live in my home and I'll take care of him (which he's menetioned moving here already) then he's got another thing coming! Washing my hands of them both...

  • I have been in LDR before and they usually didn't work for me. This Virgo is allllll gung ho and that bothers me. He WANTS to be in a relationship so badly it seems to me. And clingy? Geesh he has to know what I'm doing every minute of the day! I can't stand clingy smothering people and I told him so! He said he's not like that but everything I'm hearing from him indicates so. I just can't seem to get it right with Virgo's! The one here is all on me one minute then aloof the next and the one in my home state is smothering! Is there no median here? LOL!

    Yeh this is happening to me now and everytime II point it out to him he denies it and I am like WTF is he going on about, I am tired of waiting for him to decide so I go out and find someone else and he gets his friends to hook up with me and I dont want this at all(I can find my own guy thanks). Hes infiltrated every aspect of my life and denies he has anything to do with it. I want him to leave me alone and he wont so I really dont know what to do. If I say or do anything to ppl he'll just make is story believable and threaten me witth the psyche ward and jail and prettty much everything else he can do to destroy my life. I try to get on with my life and he wont let me and starts ridiculing me and pointinig the finger at me whenever I dont do what he wants. Has pretty much everyone in Cairns believing his side of the story and theres nothing I can do. I want for him to leave me alone, he doesnt. He then tries to get me to talk to him I do then says its my fault I want to be In a relationship with him when he was obviously trying pretend want to be in one and doesnt. So if he doesnt want anythingto do with me then why does he do this to me? I want to be left alone to sort myself out by myself without him. Why does he make things happen to not let this happen and then turn and blame me for it when he is the one behind it all.

  • Alls I can say is grow up and stop harassing me. GO find someone else to harass and leave me alone!

  • If you dont want to be with me then okk leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!

  • Hey ladies...I know I have been away for awhile, because my entire account was deleted for what ever reason... However, I have been reading the thread...Welcome to all the newbies since I've been gone...WTH is wrong with these Vmen?....I'm reading the same scenario over and over...

    Well really nothing to tell since I've last posted...I see though that a lot has been going on since I'm last here...Hope all are doing well...I have moved back into my house...I gave up my apartment...As my babies daddy was ill...He is coming along nicely...As soon as he is on his feet, I will be out and about again...TTYL.... 🙂

  • Gemini4Ever,

    I am thinking that, yeah, RUN from the log distance Virgo. That is actually scary, what you are describing. That kind of behavior is not even flattering anymore, it is downright scary. My impressions with the Aug Virgo thing is that he is actually showing you that he trusts you, very much indeed, to tell you about his mixed emotions with the wife. In other words, he is healing, but he still wants to have you in his life. I do not think that you should be necessarily offended by that, on the maybe you can still go on that trip with him. Feelings are not things that you can turn off and on. He may still have healing to do, but that does not mean he cannot have feelings for you. If he has feelings for you and you for him then you can go on the trip and weave the tapestry a little more and see what happens. If there is no contact from him, initiated by him, the let it be. But if you are the one who initiated this break and you truly miss him, why not be sincere? Your approach of being sincere and a friend and an observer was working before, why not now?

  • Gem4ever - Well we know Virgos can be slow to figure out things, and I'm all about being a "life-long learner", but at 45 it seems like he should have something solid going on with his life. Nothing wrong with being a free-spirit...if you can support yourself with it and not glom on to someone else because you can't take care of yourself. Sounds like you are following your insticts now and that's probably the best thing all the way around. Plus I can hear how this is draining you. You need a breather from all this for sure girlfriend. Time to take some space.

    Crazycap - Your guy is actually sounding a little scary with the kind of control he's showing. How can he threaten you with the psych ward or jail? How is that even possible? I don't know what country you are living in, but in the United States there is something called a restraining order that can at least be a step towards getting people to back off. Doesn't mean they can't violate the restraining order, but that sets the stage for taking legal action against the person who won't leave you alone.

    It sounds as if your paths cross a lot? Is this why you can't just avoid him? If you are serious about keeping this guy out of your business then it seems like you need to avoid all communications with him. Be careful, he sounds pretty unstable to me. 😞 As far as why he does this...somehow it must feed his self-esteem. Makes him feel in control and powerful. That's my guess anyway. The only reason I can think of that any person would be cruel is to bring someone down in order to elevate themselves in some way. Him ridiculing you to others is just another layer of this same thing. He wants people to support him to make himself feel better and make you feel even worse. Not sure how you're going to do it, but it really sounds like you need to stay away from this guy. The less he knows about your life at this point, then he will eventually run out of things to say, and people will grow tired of listening to the same old story.

  • Can't sleep. Too much to do to get this new house in order. My husband (Virgo) is working another 24 hr shift tonight. With him being a medical doctor, he's gone a lot. He promised me lots of time together & lots of travel but somehow I don't see any of that happening in our future. He works all the time. It's constant. I'm proud of him for this but I miss him. Says he's found his dream job & he's happiest when he's working. (what about being with me? don't i make him happy enough to stay home?) When he's not at the hospital or clinic, he's hanging out with the other doctors. Was my honeymoon the only time I will get alone with my new husband? (disappointment, loneliness)

    ABB, I've missed you. 🙂 You're right, it's mostly about his way of doing things. I was sort of prepared for this after studying this horoscope sign for over a year before we married but still, it's odd. 50's house wife like VS mentioned? Yes, it's very much like that right now. We only have just the one car currently, mine was left back in the states, so I can't even go grocery shopping unless he's home or takes me. He's so over-protective of me too. Drives me crazy! I'm a gym rat of sorts, makes me feel good about myself to go all the time but he cut my schedule at the gym way down to just two days per week. Says my place is at home & if I want to work out more, he'll build me a gym here. I went from being a very active American registered nurse in charge of my own life to being his wife. I don't know why I'm complaining. I chose this path. I love him deeply. I wanted to be here. I wanted him. He was my world for 3 years while we lived in diff countries but now that I have him & I have the life I thought I wanted with him, I'm not really happy. I know this man will never leave me but he does have that "cheater" thing about him. He promised to stay loyal now that we're married but we all know how men are. He keeps mentioning that I need a baby to keep me busy. I said let's wait a year but I don't think that's going to work for him. He's happiest when he knows exactly where I am at all times. His sister lives with us, she rents our basement. It's a lovely home & she's happy here so she does keep me company, very kind woman, but I'm still lonely. I miss my friends back home. I miss my job & my co-workers. We live fairly close to the United States but it seems like a world away to me. VS asked if we spoke English in this country. Yes, it's not a third world place. I'd never move that far from my culture, not even for love. I'm a Christian, he is too but he won't go to church with me. I had thought I would base our life around the church in order to keep him loyal but he says prayer is better at home, he doesn't want his religion structured. I guess I'm just trying to find things to do with my time other than house work. It doesn't suit me. I miss going to the beach, I miss working out. I'm only in my mid 30's & I feel so old. I miss driving my own car. Maybe things here with my Virgo husband will get better in time, perhaps this is all just an adjustment but something just doesn't seem right. He's so handsome, so kind to me when we're alone, very sweet & loving, he loves to cuddle, he's amazing in bed, all of my friends back home said they were jealous & how lucky I was to have him. I am proud of him but the control Virgo is placing over me is exhausting. It's taking the fun out of my new marriage. He won't change either. I don't know what to do.

    @CrazyCap, you sounds as frustrated as I am. I'm so sorry you're going through such turmoil. Yes, either he needs to either make up his mind and be with you 100 percent or he needs to leave you alone so you can find peace & someone else who wants to spend his time with you, not drift in & out of your life. Virgo's love to "drift" in & out of our lives. Again, it's a control thing with them. It will drive the most sane of us completely mad & yes, they will blame us for their unholy actions. Nothing is ever Virgo's fault you see, they want to walk around blameless. It's that "innocence" they want us all to believe they have. They're not innocent. They know exactly what they're doing to us mentally & most of the time, the crap they dish out, it's to test us, to see if we're worthy. It's a sick mind game they play. The only thing I can think of for you is to block all of his contact from you as hard as that will be. Block his number or change yours, remove him from your social networks, completely ignore all of his email. If he comes over, don't answer the door. I have noticed that a male Virgo will leave a woman alone if the woman tells him directly that she no longer wishes to see or speak to him. But it has to be done in person. He will leave then. If you do it in a calm voice, he'll take it seriously. But be warned, once that occurs, if you change your mind down the road, male Virgo won't respect you & he won't come back. It's true that male Virgo's are rarely single for long. So many of us women want to be with them, it' their allure that pulls us in & then we spend the rest of our time with them trying to escape.

    @Gem4Ever, where were you going on your trip with your Aug Virgo? A few posts back you seem excited, you seemed like it would be a "friendly" escape together. I know Gemini's love to go do things, new things, so why not just go as his friend? Back in the very beginning, you seemed to had fallen in love with him. I recall your first weekend away with your Virgo, you were so happy, it was exciting & so fun to read about it! I wished that happiness would have lasted for you. But it all seemed to go downhill for you guys then it picked up again & now it's kinda gone down again. Hate to say it but that's what dealing with a male Virgo is all about. I know you say you're not in love with him now which is a strong move on your part but somehow part of me thinks that if things could be just a bit different, you could fall for him again. Being rejected from the beginning would taint anyone. You put your heart out there & he rejected it only to come after you later on & that's not fair to you. Yes, I think you're correct to leave the new Virgo alone. Gem's don't like clingy guys. Both Gemini & Pisces, we love our freedom & yes, we both will become resentful if that freedom is not given on a regular bases. Besides, I still think you have your hands full with Aug Virgo. Let that play out & then try & find a new man. Until Aug Virgo is completely gone, don't you think it's too hard of a comparison or distraction to let other men in? I know it would be for me. Did you say you're attending college? You've mentioned that your Aug Virgo had a child but you also said you guys shared classes together plus worked together? That seems like a lot of contact while trying to let him go. Hugz n Kisses xo

  • Hi Jen, how are you? 🙂 I was curious to know if your Aries man ever apologized for insulting your children that one time? Also, have you had any contact whatsoever from your main Virgo? Has he ever tried to contact you via email or text since the break up? Is he still married or do you not know? Just wondering. Much love xx

  • Oh one more thing, thought I'd share this story with everyone. When I was about to move here, I crossed paths with a new male Virgo. He worked at my job. He had asked me out in the past but I had declined. Back then, I had no idea that he was a horoscope sign Virgo. Anyway, he started asking me to go have coffee & to join him for lunch a couple of weeks before I quit my job to get married. At that point, I learned he was a Virgo, (Sept 2nd) & that he was a young widower. (lost his wife of 12 years to brain cancer). Him being only 36 & his wife being deceased for only (6) months, I found his "joyful" attitude & his relentless pursuit of me very, very disturbing. He talked about God a lot as if that was somehow able to make his lack of emotion towards the loss of his wife acceptable. Anyway, what I noticed most of all with this guy was his lack of emotion. He was very cold towards his loss of his wife. As the days passed, I was added to his Facebook page which was to my surprise a total dedication to his wife. Very strange since he didn't seem to be mourning her at all around me. lol..It was so odd because to me, his wife really wasn't anything to him but to the rest of the world, he acted like the perfect grieving husband which he clearly was not..This turned out to be a good example of how male Virgo's turn off their emotions & wear those different hats to portray a different side of themselves to different people. He even went so far as to tell me that him & his mother-in-law had a huge fight over his wife's wedding rings (lots of diamonds) and that the mother in law wanted her daughter to be buried with her wedding rings on her hand (where they clearly belonged) because she was so much in love with this male Virgo husband. But this Virgo took them off her before she was buried & he sold them instead. WTF? Now if that doesn't show the cold, heartless, non-emotional side of the male Virgo, I don't know what does. lol I mentioned this to my new Virgo husband & told him if he ever dared take my wedding rings off me, I'd come back & haunt him forever. He laughed & said, I was never going to die, that he would always protect me from harm so not to worry myself over such things. I guess it goes to show that ppl are different & that although all of our male Virgo's are very much alike in many ways, we can't completely bunch them all together without looking at their entire natal charts.

  • @VS, hey, how's your new house? How is your Virgo taking it that you've moved out? Does he come over? Are you both still working together? How did that thing with that other woman that wanted to hire him for her wedding turn out? Was she trying to land him for one last fling? Hope your life is going well my friend. xo

  • Hi ladies,

    ABB, it brought me a great comfort to read your response to SS, as part of it applies to myself as well - the part which says that lack of emotions is also a sort of abuse. Sometimes I start feeling guilty for moving on withy my life, including emotional life, and I need to be reminded that the kind of relationship I was/am having with my Virgo friend is called emotional/sexual abstinence, not monogamy, and no one can be expected just to cut of part of your human nature to accomodate a man who clearly has an emotional defiviency of some weird kind.

    SS, the situation you have found yourself in, unfortunately is a kind of a third world situation for a woman, even if it is taking place in a civilized country. Right now you are abdicating your human rights, by accepting this bull...t. Your place is at home ? Only having his sister as a companion ? Forgive me for the comparison, but the only thing that makes it different from the taliban's wife's life is the quality of the house. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you need to have a hard, objective look at the situation. Virgo's are control freaks, no doubt of that, but this is just a plain abuse of human rights. I understand that you are still in love with him, but this feeling will eventually be replaced by depression, resentment, or worse, as ABB said. His good looks, good s e x, big house and the prestige of being a doctor's wife - these things are all about vanity, not about happiness. It's only good for telling your girl-friends, not for living your life. Now imagine, if you get pregnant and have a daughter - what kind of example will it give to her? What kind of life do you think she will be born into ? Also, be very careful, because if at some point you decide that you had enough, and have a child already, there might be legal troubles concerning the custody. If I were you, I would start taking pills, maybe even without telling him, until you definitely decide what you want in your life. He is not going to change, don't have any illusions about that. Also, knowing Virgo's need for control, if I were you, I would keep deleting the history on your computer, as if he finds out that you discuss your situation online, you might lose the access to the internet as well. The first rule of abuse is ISOLATION, which it seems is what he is doing. I wouldn't be surprised if at some point the situation escalated into physical abuse, so you have to prepare your plan B. Also, his 24 hours absence for "work" - that might or might not be true. I know a case (my student's father), who is a doctor, and used to be absent like this - well, it turned out that my student has a half sister of HER AGE, and her dad has recently left her mum, and moved in with this other woman. Not to scare you, but it's useful to know about these situations...Hugs to you, be strong, there are always solutions. This is not the end of the world, just the end of your blind idealism. Please, don't get offended, I mean it with love.

  • SS, forgot to answer your question - I haven't moved out just yet, as I've been crazy busy with work. Planning to do it gradually, sometimes in summer. My Virgo friend and I still work together and are still close friends. He doesn't talk about moving in with me anymore, so this makes it easier for me. I suppose we shall still each other a lot, it's just good to know that I have a space of my own. As for the woman who hired him for her wedding, I don't think anything came out of it, other than a card she has sent him - a somewhat romantic picture of a boy playing violin for a girl 🙂 This card has been laying around for about a week now, so it was kind of hard to miss it. He probably wanted me to see it, but I purposely ignore it.

    By the way, do you have any income of your own by any chance, or a free access to your husband's bank acount ? Does his sister have a car ? What do you think would happen if his sister and you started going out together a little, to gym, church etc...? What would his reaction be ?

  • Hi VS, thanks for the response. I need to be given direct opinions from everyone at this point so thank you for helping me with this. 🙂

    Yes, I go out with his sister sometimes, she has a car. And she's trying to lose weight so she's gone with me to the gym a couple of times and my Virgo husband doesn't seem to mind. They have a very tight relationship so I'm sure if he wants to know anything about my day, she'll be happy to tell him. She works so I do get some time to myself l but without a car & clear out here in the country, there's nothing to do. It's pretty, it's peaceful but I'm totally bored.

    No, I don't have access to his bank accounts which is odd. I thought once we got married it would all be shared. I was wrong. He's spoken about getting me a credit card attached to his account & he had me give up my smart phone in order to get a number on his cell phone account. I do have an income in the form of my savings account which he hasn't wanted to touch as of yet. I also have a retirement fund that is only in my name which he knows about but I never told him how much is in there. Being a nurse for a long time, I was able to set myself up pretty nice. If I needed to leave, I could pay for a taxi & get a plane ticket back home plus be able to rent a place once I arrived. I made sure I covered that before leaving the US. I also have my passport hidden which he doesn't realize yet. So silly to sit here doing all this when I should be happy but yeah, things feel strange, I'm not as happy as I should be here. It's got to be his controlling nature causing me to do these things.

    It's another lonely day today. Although he's off work, he's off doing God knows what. It's very true that male Virgo's don't sit still for long. He is always going someplace or doing something. for some friend or whoever He asks me each time if I want to join him but lately I've just wanted to have free time to myself because then I at least get to control how my day goes.

  • Seasiren - Your story here makes me sad for you. How long can this go on? You are a nurse as well, you are used to being around many people and sharing yourself with others. Everything you describe sounds so unhealty for you. You have no one to enrich your day or share conversation with. The danger here is that it won't be him looking for someone on the side, it will end up being you - looking for whatever it is that is missing from this mix.

    I find his advancing control over all aspects of your life very disturbing. I think that as much as you might not want to think about it, Voply Soply makes some good points about deleting your history on your computer. Do you know how to do this? If not, let me know and I will help you. Realize too, that if you get a phone under his name, he can see every phone call you make and possibly texts too. Even on the outside of this, the situation doesn't feel right. He is not encouraging you to be anything other than what he thinks you should be. Nothing else seems to matter now other than you being there for him and doing what he wants you to be doing. I'm surprised he isn't checking on you through the day somehow to see what you're up to, or maybe he feels like he has you locked up so tight he doesn't need to. If you give him cause to wonder about your activities I bet it won't take him long to figure something out though.

    Coming from a marriage with a controlling man I will tell you that nothing is sacred with men like this. My ex thought that he was entitled to question everything I did. He did not accept anything, he questioned everything. I would find out in time that he was checking my computer to see what I was up to. Things really blew up when he figured out that I had been researching divorce laws in our state. The cat was out of the bag then. Then he got even worse about keeping tabs on me.

    I set up a personal e-mail so that I could communicate with my family without him reading my e-mails. He insisted this was so that I could talk to some other man. I was losing my mind with him and his issues, I had three small children, I needed my family to support me as I struggled with difficult decisions (my mom and siblings are all hundreds of miles away and I had no close friends thanks to being confined in a similar world as you are currently "enjoying"). My cell phone was also under his name, he checked my calls. I went out of town for a weekend and he had me tracked, I saw the charge for a private investigation firm on the credit card bill. Which reminds me, he also watched every penny I spent. He talked often enough about putting a tap on the landline phone, that I believe he probably did it. He had certainly researched it. All of this stuff eventually escalated to a general paranoia about me having affairs. I would tell him later that I wished that I HAD had affairs since I was constantly under suspicion of it anyway.

    The icing on the cake was during our months of marriage counseling I kept a journal (as the counselor had suggested because this is a great way to analyze one's feelings). I didn't type it on the computer (because he checked my computer), I wrote it by hand and hid it among some books in the den. He knew I had the journal, that was no secret, but he didn't know where I kept it. So I left one evening to go to the drugstore because our son was sick. I realized I had forgotten something so turned around and came home, and lo and behold in that short span of time he had searched the house to find my journal and was sitting there reading it. Our kid was sick and all he could think about was getting into my journal. He was mad as hell with what he read there. Even though all it was, were my thoughts and questions about life and our relationship - very ordinary stuff for anyone questioning and analyzing a relationship, he said, "I love you Jen, but I really hate your soul". And with that statement, and the tone with which he said it, I couldn't think of anything lower he could have said to me. He had violated what tiny shred of privacy I had left and trashed me for having feelings. Hated me for it. With that I was done.

    Anyway, if you do nothing else here, you must keep some of your financial accounts in your name. This is a piece of wisdom for any married woman, not just in the event of divorce - even happily married women in the event of your spouses death. Many elder women find themselves in unnecessary financial difficulties because they lived a lifetime with a man who had his name on everything. This can create problems with even accessing accounts. These women also have no established credit under their names. Matters are often made worse because they also have no understanding of their finances in general. I had one credit card left in my name at the point I divorced and thank God I'd had the vision to hang on to it because that is all I had for many months. My ex is a finance guy for a living and he controlled everything to do with running our finances. Except for that one credit card.

    It was a card I had gotten in my single days, I just tucked it away and never used it for 14 years. All that time later all it took was a phone call to reactivate my account, using it a couple of months on small purchases and paying off the bills in full reestablished my good credit standing, and I was able to parlay that into signing up for long-term payment plans to buy things for my house when I moved out. Important things, like beds for my children to sleep in! My ex would have stopped me from that. He was furious when he discovered I still had that credit card and he saw it as a huge act of deception. Thought it was part of some masterplan and that I'd been hiding it for years. The real problem was that I believe he thought he could keep me trapped in the marriage by controlling the money. Such craziness, looking back I don't know how I stood living with him as long as I did. Children I suppose. You try to deal with it to keep their lives stable. So I also must agree with VS, be careful about adding any babies to this situation until you are comfortable and certain that you can be happy with your man.

    I think that if you want to make this work you need to go out with him more when he invites you. If you find his company so intolerable that you would rather be alone at this point, I also think that you should be questioning what it is you really love in this man? What does love really mean to you Seasiren? You need and deserve more human contact and interesting things happening in your life than you are getting. It seems like one of the only ways to get this is to take him up on his invitations to join him more often. You need something more going on than just going to the gym. And for godssakes, it sounds like he makes plenty of money, tell him to buy you a car!

  • Oh, and Seasiren, yes Ariesman apologized promptly when I told him that I was offended by that comment about my kids. In retrospect, I don't think he meant it to be mean, he admitted it was a stupid thing to say - without me having to tell him so - so it was easy for me to let it go. We are still seeing each other, getting along well, and he even met my kids for the first time a couple of weeks ago. I believe he now knows that they are not likely to be "drop-outs". 🙂

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