The heart of a Virgo man
Jen, I thought I would try sending him a nice text
"Gm (good morning), I am looking forward to chatting today, Hope things aren't too chaotic xx miss you."
That was at 10 am this morning and haven't heard a word . It is now 12:40pm.
I'm thinking it really is time to say goodbye. Reality check.
Way to go Lawdawg!
Im sorry but as a Virgo Woman and knowing the games i've played...im probably the only real person in here that will tell you some REAL advice. Stop yourselves now while you're still sane and MOVE ON!!!
A virgo knows what they want...Hence, if they wanted to be with you they would be...
Stop being nice and polite, sending texts, smiley faces ( just to keep contact with him) and then see the response you get...
Cause after a while (without a response from him) it could be considered stalking...
What starts as a lie ends as a lie...
Why would you want to be with someone who lied about being married in the first place? Huh?
Well Angel, what happened to the good in humans? I hope you don't treat people that way because treating people that way and admitting that you know you do it is quite WRONG. I can't imagine what my Virgo would gain from that sort of treatment except that it is the game he enjoys. Have you read all the posts? Have you treated people this way? Told someone you loved them and kept them dangling. Asked them not to leave the relationship? Asked them to give you more time knowing that you would give nothing in return. Why...? is what I want to know, I want to know what kind of enjoyment you would get from that behavior. I'm not sleeping with my Virgo , I haven't even seen him in 7 months. But he continues to have some sort of relationship with me, continues to tell me he loves me but to what end? I want to understand what goes through the mind of a Virgo if anything at all.
Yes that's exactly what im doing, Admitting that that's exactly how i treated people...im not saying it was right but im being honest, trust i've come a long way from that but believe when i tell you that we will say what needs to be said to get what we want...We do it because at that time its what we want....let me not say we, i do speak for myself but i speak as a virgo...and would keep communication always open because the way things arent because you're hated or not liked, it's how you say, keep dangling. Is that how you've felt?
Im giving you honest advice and with it i think it would be best if you moved on...
Til what end you ask? Til ur end...until you decide to draw the line...
Trust you will not hear from him that he doesnt want to be with you. Keeps the possibility open.
But be real with yourself, 7 months? what are you trying to hold on to? Some sort of relationship? What ever happened to " you deserve a real relationship"? I mean isnt that what it is you're looking for?
Im not trying to justify what i've done...I completely know some of my actions were, how you say, WRONG but i am trying to give you some honest insight.
if it were up to you would you have stayed away for 7 months and settled for a sort of relationship?
Well Angel, at least I'm happy to hear you say that you've "come a long way" because what you describe sounds very cruel. I think it would be interesting for Dttn and I both to hear what converted you? What was your big epiphany that made you realize that it was wrong to treat people as you had in the past? Was it an event? A certain person?
Perhaps your answer will give us some clue as to what goes on in the minds of our Virgos (as what goes on in the heart appears to come second to the mind). Thank you for your post, and seriously, I am intrigued to know the answer to this question.
Dttn, I'm sorry for your continued frustrations. I get frustrated just hearing about him! What to do...what to do....I completely understand your feelings, as you well know. But somehow you've got to get some of your power back in this situation. He's stealing far too much of your happiness at this point. It's one thing to stick around seeing what happens next if you can maintain your own balance in it all, quite another when it's putting you in a constant state of angst. My gut keeps telling me you need to just find a way to walk away for a space. Don't even tell him, just you make a decision to stay away from contacting him for a while. If he contacts you, great, but he's never going to meet you in the middle at this rate. Every time you contact him, he seems to find more reason to back away. Maybe just because he doesnt' know how to deal with the situation or what he wants? I don't know, one can only speculate and I guess if I try I'll end up being wrong. Like you though, I find it hard to believe that he just wants to play a game with you. You've known him long enough and it sounds like your heart tells you that's not the case.
Not sure what to tell you right now. Sounds like you're not done with him though, so let me know what you decide or what happens next. Girl I wish I could just give you a hug right now!
Angel, Help me to understand where you mind is at when you are thinking these things. I don't ask to be told that he loves me. He tells me he loves me, I don't say it first to get a reply..he says it, he begs me not to end it, just give him more time he says. I'll admit it is incredibly hard just to walk away. Today I spent most of the day staring at my phone wondering, should I delete his number . I'm hurt , just really hurt that someone can do that to another human being without consequence. If that is what he is doing I want him to know what he has done.
and...Jen. Thank you for your thoughts. Virtual hugs are almost as good as real ones. I feel it.
I hear you Dttn, he needs to hear from you how he's made you feel, I suppose whether he "processes" that or not is another story. But you need to be able to say it to him and not worry about the consequences. It's called accountability. If he's so dang worried about losing you then he needs to be able to face himself and what he's doing - be able to communicate to you what he's doing. If he makes no effort to then he brought the consequences upon himself.
I know I make things sound fairly rosey with "R" but I'm telling you, there's only so much of his sheet I'll take before he hears about it. He's no different at this point in time than any of my other friends and I don't have any obligation to take their b.s. either. So again, my point is, "R" needs to figure out on his own what he's doing with me. Your guy needs to figure out what he's doing with you.
When "R" and I had our last big "falling out" his first reaction was, "I can't talk about this tonight", to which I said, "of course you can't. It's just like you to run off when you don't want to deal with me. And you want to know why you can't talk about this tonight? It's because you can't talk about it all at this point in time. We're just going to keep going around in circles because of your situation and your constraints. You have no business being involved with me and this will keep going nowhere." Since I was on a roll I just ran with it, lol, and said "I KNOW what I'm doing with you. I care about you to the bottom of my soul. Now do you have the slightest clue what you're doing with me? Do YOU???" Haha, it was great. Next, without any further discussion he was initiating the "we're taking a break - two weeks off, no IM, no text, no phone calls, you need a break". More like he needed a break - cause you know what Dttn, I was NOT wrong. That's what his basic problem is, and quite likely what keeps him hanging around, is that I am rarely wrong when it comes to dealing with him or reality between us. He's the one who needed a break because I hit him too close to home with the truth and he loses "control" of the situation. Needs time to strategize his next move I think. There is a game in all this, I will not deny it. Lol.
So anyway, I was like "pffft! Big deal, I've seen you once in 2 months, I don't need any 'breaks', I just had a break, so you go ahead and take 2 years off if you want and it won't change the basic issues between us". Long story short, his proposed 2-week break went down to one week, and just because I'm such a belligerent little sheet, I e-mailed him three times during the week anyhow - and guess what, he still replied. Take a break....give ME a break, lol!!!
Oh I probably squashed his delicate Virgo self-esteem in all of it. But there's nothing more annoying to me than someone who can dish it out but can't take it. In spite of it all though, seriously, we're at kind of a "happy" space right now ever since that argument. I've read that deep down Virgos hate weakness and emotionalism. Might explain why Angel was able to "dangle her victims" - they were weak and they put up with her, so she simply let them.
"R" has tried to push on me the idea that how I react in this relationship is my responsibility (thus shirking him of any responsibility for causing me hurt - "well ya shouldn't have done that to yourself" kind of thinking). Uh huh, now see that concept only works if you're assuming I'm sticking around to play that little game. If I keep "causing myself" to get hurt well to me it's kinda like putting your finger in a flame. How many times are you going to do it before you decide, "that hurts, I'm not doing that again". To me that's the same thing as what he's saying, I need to take responsibility for my own hurt, but somehow he's not accepting that the answer to that may come in the form of ditching him, haha.
As is clear in this thread, I really do adore this man and I think I've said it before, I'm game to continue efforts to try to stay together long enough to see where things are really going between us, but not by simply taking his sheet and saying "thank you" for it. I'm playing very nice for now because I want "nice" between us. I'm crazy about that man, I want nothing but good between us, I want nothing more than to be able to freely give him love and support and trust and ideally get that in return. But if he keeps messing with me like he did last Friday, well, suffice to say I'm demoting him from "Chief" and putting myself back in charge. Lol.
Now the moral in all of this for you Dttn, is I am begging you to find it in yourself to really confront your guy. In this expanse of space that you're spending thinking about what he is not doing, switch for a while and think about what you really want from this relationship or ANY relationship and think about what you need to be doing to get it.
It seems to me that there is only so far things can go between the two of you anyhow, given both of your situations. You were going to hit a wall (just as "R" and I have hit a wall in my opinion). Just like me you find yourself with a load of emotions and no where for them to go. Your guy is not free, my guy is not free, so talk, talk, talk is all the they can do because they are not FREE to develop any other part of the relationship other than on the mental plane. Unless these boys get divorced and free themselves to fully participate in a relationship that wall is going to stay put. Much as I hate to put it bluntly, your situation would put the same constraint on your guy even if he were freed from his marriage - because then your marriage would stand in the way for him. Is your ideal plan that you would both get divorced and be together? Do you have a long range view on where you'd like things to go, or are you emotionally bogged down in this particular moment? As a single woman my perspective is that nobody can really maintain these multiple relationships and find real quality in any of them. The complete fulfillment that comes from immersing yourself in one relationship completely is what it is...exclusive.
Sorry, I'm kind of in a "tough love" mode as I have a friend I'm trying to help detach from a really bad relationship here as well. She sees it but she refuses to accept it...something we're all guilty of for sure, but she asked me to help her, so I am. When I've had enough of "R" she's going to be there for me as well, lol. Maybe you will be there for me too, Dttn!
I don't know you at all and I feel so badly for you. Not because the guy is completely indifferent to the adverse feelings he's causing you but because you continue to allow this loser to control and determine your state of mind. STOP looking at the phone, get up and go out every now and then so that you can meet new people. I'm not suggesting replacing him with someone else will immediately cause you to forget about him. But it will allow you to direct your attention else and experience the affections of someone else.
That's exactly what I did, I began dating other people. Some people I knew I wasn't romantically interested but they offered new conversation and distracted me. This will lessen the amount of time in a day that you have to be strong enough not to contact him. Right now you're just revisiting that situation day in and dat out.
To answer your previous question, I wasn't in love with the Virgo but I cared deeply for him and could have eventually loved him. It takes a long time for me to love someone but he was the first man since my divorce (2005) that made me even consider the idea of marriage again. I don't believe he is married but the woman he was seeing has been around for at least a year and a half. He got divorced in 2006. As far as not calling or texting him, i just don't do it. Don't get me wrong just last week I considered sending him a picture of myself that was taken on my birthday (7/21) but I refrained from doing it because I really don't want a liar in my life (I forgive him and that's all that God's asks of me).
You would be amazed at the reaction you will get if you stop contacting him. I haven't initiated contact in three weeks and he has called at least 12 times by phone and another 6-8 via text. Some I respond to (curtly) and other times nothing but I really don't want him anymore. As a matter of fact, he called me Tuesday (didn't answer), then Wednesday twice (didn't answer) and again four more times the same day. He left some message about not calling me anymore and how I don't want to be bother by him......blah,blah,blah! Finally, I texted him later that night and said:
Me: What's up?
Me: What's up besides BS?
Virgo: I need u
Me: 4 what?
Virgo: That's alright.
Me: Yeah, I just listened to your voice message. Go head on, live long and prosper.
I thought that would be the true "end" of the situation but he sends me a song about how much he misses me and whatever. (Move on) I sent him the following reply text :
Me: Don't ever send me anything like that again. You should send it to a woman that wants you. Ok?
It may sound rude but I want him to leave me the h*ll alone and stop embarassing himself........he's a liar. So, my point to you Dttn is stop embarrassing yourself leave him alone sweetie, please.
Just a quick post to let you know what's going on.
I sent him 3 txt msgs yesterday (will send details later) and one this morning---no reply
So I ended it via text. My only option. I said GOODBYE!!
Have not heard back.
Crying but relieved.
Good for you! Please stick to it. The sense of relief will increase as time passes.
Managed to pull myself together. Still have not heard back from him and can only assume at this point that I will not. I need to type this out for my own benefit as it is therapeutic.
So yesterday started with me being very nice and telling him how I was looking forward to chatting with him and hoping his day was not too chaotic-see earlier post.
As the day progressed I became increasingly anxious. So I caved and texted him again because I didn't hear back. I had things that I wanted to say to him (not that he would care as I can see from his lack of replies).
My second text read:
"maybe it would be best to let me email you. Do u have an address i could reach you at? I have more to say than am able to text. thx."
--still no reply.--and i sent another text.
"I would be grateful to be able to tell you what is on my mind if you are willing to listen. I don't want u to think i am a psycho.
OR....just tell me to go away if that's what you want ..I will and promise not to contact again. Just say the word. Please be honest with me."
"are you getting my texts?"
Finally last text
"I did not want to talk to you via text but I have no other choice. I love you --this I say without hesitation. I can't do this anymore. I've been waiting for 6 months for just a half hour of your time. If I'm not worth that then I need to move on. I wanted to say this by email or voice because there is so much more that i want to tell you but you did not respond to my texts yesterday or today. Goodbye. dttn."
that was at 8:52 eastern time this am. and I have not hear back from him.
The hardest part will be not knowing what his thoughts were but why should i care.
after reading this post of mine I see how ridiculous it is.
Your emotions are not ridiculous. What you have gone through was not ridiculous. Do not beat yourself up over this. Do not make this your fault. Please....hold your head high, raise that chin up, dry those tears. Wait....cry it all out first than dry them.
I had posted a while back that I am a married Virgo woman who meet a married Virgo man online. We ended our friendship a few weeks ago and yes, he has called me a few times. It was so difficult not to call him. He calls to check in on me. I miss him terribly. Like Jen has said before, the voice is so comforting. Funny thing he tells me that about my voice.
As a Virgo, I have to say that the reason I do not leave my husband is that "it is wrong". Does that make sense? I am driven my society's idea of what is the right thing to do. I am over analytical to a major fault. I can be cold and indifferent when I want what I want. I think the reason they do not answer is they are mad about some preconcieved thoughts. Since we analyze EVERYTHING, we tend to create scenerios that, of course, can be negative.
I will think some more about Virgos and how messed up thoughts and post in a little.
I agree with Momofone1965, this is not "your fault". You trusted what this man told you and you hoped for a happy ending. The truth is it didn't work out that way and the question is, "How will you handle the dissapointment?"
As you stated in a prior post, you really never had much with him so what are you really losing? The possibility that things may be wonderful. You will be alright and better off once you realize you don't need his voice to "comfort" you.............you can give yourself that piece of mind.
Dttn, please do not call him. You have made a decision to end the situation and the last thing you want him or anyone else to think about you is that you are unable to follow through with statements that you make. At this point, you have regained control of the situation and calling him would transfer the control back to him. I would even suggest that when he calls, don't answer. If you still want to talk to him, answer the second time he calls but stick to the decision to terminate the "relationship" because you deserve to be completely happy and have someone that appreciates everything you have to offer.
It may be difficult not to pick up the first time he calls (and he will call) but you will feel empowered after the phone stops ringing. Trust me. Take your happiness and peace of mind back. You can do this and i promise to check this blog everyday to help you along in the process.
Reading all of your posts is so moving, i am touched by all of your sentiments and overwhelmed by your words. I'll keep you posted.
Thank you so much for your kindness. It is a very difficult day.
Not sure if you are religious or not. But what helped me not pick up the phone many times and question myself was reading Joel Osteen's "Today's Word". I spend a lot of time reading horoscopes but some of my best advice has come from Joel. Try him out at www.joelosteen.com. Just a suggestion.