I've never felt this much pain
I (33yrs) started seeing this cap woman (22yrs) in March. she is a bit younger but, everything was going so well. not a lot of time passed until we both fell madly in love with each other. She even asked me to marry her and that I was the only one for her.To add to it, My daughter even became very attached to her. We never fought and every moment seemed to be magical I thought that I truly found my soul mate and best friend. I have never been this honest and open with anyone in my entire life and we never once lied to each other. I could see the love in her eyes. She told me once that she had a reading when she was younger and was told that the man she was to be with she would feel comfortable in his arms and I was that man
A month ago, her family approached me and stated that I was ruining her family because she was spending so much time with me. It was her mother gossiping to the family which led to this. We got into a minor argument about it but carried forward.
Two weeks ago I come home and we were talking as normal and then she had to go for a bit. 15 mins later she calls me back and says its over and that she was just not ready for this relationship. She wasn't ready to settle down and that she loved me but didn't love me enough and wasn't going to choose me over her family. She said her family hated her guts for being with me and that she felt sorry for choosing them over me. Now I never asked her to ever choose me over her family and never would. I knew that she didn't like being home because her mother would always give her hell about everything including me.
We tried being friends but it just got worse as the week continued to where we finally broke contact. I feel so much pain right now and it isn't getting better but worse. I miss and love her so much. I don't know what to do...
It's been 3 days since I've spoken with her and over a week since we spoke on friendly terms
Is it over?
Hi the lucid. Breakups are painful, no matter the circumstances and I am sorry you are goin through this. I've heard that Caps are notoriously difficult to date, something I don't agree with : ) but I guess I'm biased. However, in all honesty I can understand the bad rep ( our analytical nature, combined with the perceived mood swings and the desire to be loved but maintain our freedom makes us at times difficult to understand). It's honestly hard to tell with your situation for several reasons ( her age:caps are DEFINITELY easier to date once they have matured but I guess that goes for any sign, the short nature of the relationship, her family's interference, and the rather abrupt way you two broke up). Is she a December or January cap? I ask because I've noticed that December caps tend to take a looooong time to attach emotionally, and profess their love, but once they do it's very sincere and they are in it for the long haul.. January caps seem quicker to commit
and profess notions of love, but dont seem as intense toward their love interest ( in comparison to the Dec ones at least). Not a die hard rule, just something I've noticed over the years among family/friends.
Anyway, the best advice I can give you is to let her be. She needs time to think and sort out her thoughts and feelings, any push from your end will likely be seen as intrusive and will serve as more "proof" that her family was right about you and how they believed you monopolized her time. Once she has figured out what she wishes to do, she will contact you. Just so you know, it once took me 2 months to contact a guy I had doubts about! Not to be mean or punish him. I honestly didn't even realize so much time had passed until we met up and he mentioned it. I just wanted to
make sure about what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it before talking to him.
I wish you the best. Keep us updated.
she was born Jan 16th so she's a late cap and thank you for the advice. I feel as if not only did I lose the love of my life but also my best friend. there is also the strong chance she is preggers too but it is to early to tell
I don't know why but I miss her more today than I ever had
a poem she wrote to me:
She gives him a sweet, tender kiss on the tip of his lips.
as she disappears into the moonlight.
Left with a simple caress and the scent of a cherry blossom.
The feelings of lust, vulnerability and comfort.
Wild emotions that makes his heart skip a beat.
And the complexity of a relationship makes her feel weak.
The power of seduction and the feelings of love,
Bound together with a comforting hug
selflessness, lesser confidence, and a uncertainty
have been cured by a gentle, caring heart
as they crave a life of simplicity!
Their bond together is very clear
that their connection is precious and passionate
that nothing can delay the lucidity of their situation
And they know how nothing can go wrong!
cheesy maybe but I loved it, gawd being a cancer sucks, we are so much in touch with our hearts and not our mind
Thelucid, believe me she'll be back once she realises what she missed. At the young age people tend to be more dependent on their families and other people's opinions. Give her some time and space to mature, and meanwhile live your life ! Don't get stuck because she is still incapable of independent thinking. Actually why would you want to be with someone, incapable of independent thinking ? You'd get bored very soon after the inicial passion wears off. Anyway, she'll respect you more if she knows that you are being strong and haven't fallen apart. Wish you good luck ! And remember - we all have to deal with losses. What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.
The Daily Om may be of some help and comfort to you, Thelucid -
"Pain is a fact of being and one that permeates all of our lives to some degree. Since the hurt we feel may be a part of the experiences that have touched us most deeply, we are often loathe to let it go. It is frequently easier to keep our pain at our sides, where it acts as a shield that shelters us from others and gives us an identity - that of victim - from which we can draw bitter strength. However, pain's universality can also empower us to use our hurt to help others heal. Since no pain is any greater or more profound than any other, what you feel can give you the ability to help bring about the recovery of individuals whose hurts are both similar to and vastly different from your own. You can channel your pain into transformative and healing love that aids you in helping individuals on a one-to-one basis and spreading a tide of curative energy throughout the world.
The capacity to heal others evolves naturally within those who are ready to disassociate themselves from their identity as victims. In fact, the simple decision to put aside the pain we have carried is what grants us the strength to redeem that pain through service. There are many ways to use the hurt you feel to help others. Your pain gives you a unique insight into the minds of people who have experienced trauma and heartache. You can draw from the wellspring of strength that allowed you to emerge on the other side of a painful experience and pass that strength to individuals still suffering from their wounds. You may be able to council individuals in need by showing them the coping methods that have helped you survive or simply by offering sympathy. A kinship can develop that allows you to relate more closely with those you are trying to aid and comfort.
Helping others can be a restorative experience that makes your own heart grow stronger. In channeling your pain into compassionate service and watching others successfully recover, you may feel a sense of euphoria that leads to increased feelings of self-worth and optimism. Your courageous decision to reach out to others can be the best way to declare to yourself and the world that your pain didn't defeat you, and in fact it helped you heal."
Thelucid, you and your ex-partner are opposites in the zodiac so the ways you approach life and how you think are completely different. Going by her birthdate, your ex has a strong need to be in control of everyone and everything around her. Sometimes the limitations she feels exist only in her own mind. She is a hard-headed person who is firmly attached to the here and now, and depends on routine and the practicalities of life for her security, yet she can often fall into a negativity that is hard for her to pull out of. Her pragmatic outlook prevents her from taking risks or doing anything too far out of the ordinary, or bucking the system.
Making a correct choice of partner is difficult for her - too often she either picks someone who is too strong for her, finding herself unable to meet such a partner's demands, or else she latches onto a weak individual whom she can never really satisfy and who drains her energy and holds her back. Until she learns to open herself up to the wider worlds of perception and accomplishment, this will be a challenging life for her, simply because the Universe is trying to show her that risk taking and leaving her familiar comfort zone can be good for her and is not something to fear. It is only through stepping away from all that she knows that she will develop strength, fortitude and a wisdom that is all the more formidable for its tolerance of and openness to new ideas.
to volpysolpy: Yes I'm sure she will be back someday to either see how I am doing or for closure or possibly to get back together. the problem is for the first time in my life I have fallen apart, inside.
the captain thank you so much for the reading, it is all true. however, every moment we spent together was magical , it was to say the best experience ever. prime example: I love to cook, so I would always make dinner for her and my family. As stubborn as I am she would help me side by side, and strangely enough i didn't mind. If my mom was in there I'd be yelling for her to gtfo, but not Sonya, I'd let her stay in the kitchen and was completely happy with it, never once thought of it as a burden
Same thing goes with cleaning afterwards, we did it together.
Want to hear something funny, I have yet to ever meet anyone from her family. So all this info that her Mother is saying about me is not true and I have no way of meeting them until I get a passport. See she is Canadian and me American, we live on separate sides of the falls here in Niagara. So for us to see each other (bless her heart) she would have to cross the border on her own. I would have to wait for her. We both did this willingly, a mutual sacrifice. I'm a morning person so 1-2am was rough but I'd manage it for her.
So here is the the pun, since we started dating she told me that her mom collects pull tabs from soda cans and the hard plastic sandwich ties. she takes them and gives them to a company that makes wheelchairs. Ever since we started dating I started saving them and even at work I stated to give them to me for charity. I have over 20pounds of aluminum pull tabs for her mother.
Also captain going back and reading what you wrote I will say this, yes you are completely right all this I already knew.
I wasn't ever going to say anything to her, was just going to try and be a friend but, my daughter was attached to her, completely. And this happened last week and is the sole reason why Sonya and I are no longer friends. My daughter while I was at work tried to call Sonya because she wanted answers. Well Sonya's mother answered and exploded on my daughter.
Needless to say I came home that night to find out what happened, daughter in tears and her facebook page being exploded by her mother. Stating I was selfish, possessive and controlling because remember Sonya had to cross the border herself, I had no passport
So I after hearing what my daughter said was pretty upset. Now keep in mind that I have never met anyone from her family yet. I wrote back being very sincere and apologetic and closed with:
You need to let your daughter grow up and be a woman. the reason why her and I are no longer together is because of you. which makes you the controlling and selfish one. Did it ever occur to you that the reason she crossed the border so much wasn't just to be here but to get away from you?
That's when our friendship ended, she deleted everything from the wall at that point and then deleted me from her contacts. should I have wrote that? probably not but I was upset that a person could of attacked my 10 yr old verbally on the phone
Thelucid, there is only one thing which is important to remember here - if Sonia loved you enough to stand for your relationship, none of this would have happened. She is technically a grown up. Clearly, she doesn't love you that much. You are infatuated with her now, and pain makes your feelings even stronger, but infatuation doesn't last, especially when things go well. Nice as it was cooking together, I'm sure, once you started living together, seing her every day, noticing her faults - you would start yelling at her just as you yell at your mum. Pain often makes us think that we love people more than we actually do. After all, why didn't you get a passport, while things were good between the two of you ? I'm not judging you, I'm just telling you that right now it's your pain and humiliation speaking and making you believe that there was more to it than just an infatuation on both sides..
the application process for a passport takes a while, I ended up having to do it 3times
Well, if you really need answers, when you get your passport you can go there and have a closure, by asking her everything you need to know. Just don't put any pressure on her and be respectful of her decision. And, very importantly, don't fall apart in front of her, don't try to make her feel pity for you. Just be gentle, calm and somewhat matter of fact-ly.
Thelucid, I am sensing that her family didn't so much dislike you as they had another guy in mind for Sonya to marry, and she is so traditionally minded and stuck in her ways she follows her family's wishes to the letter and lets them run her life. It may take her many years and many bad experiences for her to break out into her own individual way of thinking. I am sorry your daughter had to go through all that nastiness. and heart break.
You are so right about that Captain. There was a guy she dated for years but they ended it and ever since then any guy she has seen her mother hated them. I'm sure it will take a few years and everything you are saying seems to make sense. At this point trying to get closure from her I feel is something that won't happen and if it does she will have to initiate it. Thanks for everything
Just a thought - by any chance, does she belong to some religeous or ethnic minority community who disapprove of marriages with "outsiders", like Jehova's Witnesses, for examle? That would explain the "ruinning the family" comment. Also it can come from the fear of the possibility of her going to live to the other country - again, an "outsider". What I find interesting, however, is that she chose to sneak out of your house to break up with you. That could be either because she bumped into some family member outside, who made her do it (unlikely, but not impossible), or because she was scared of a breaking up with you face to face (more probable). Anyway, Captain is right, it will take her a long time, if ever, to become her own person. Meanwhile, your challenge is to learn from this experience, forgive her, and live your life as happily as you can.
No not really and special group She's Half french Canadian and Native. Her Mother is the French part and divorced from her father. I actually approached her father a while back via msgs and he was very understanding, his only concern is he didn't want to see Sonya get hurt or be put in a situation where she would regret it later on. It wouldn't be because I'm American either because the guy her Mother wanted her to be with was American but Sonya messed up that relationship and I guess her Mother never forgave her for it.
Her Mother is very controlling, I've heard the way she would talk to her over the phone. I think the major problem with Sonya is she lets to many people talk advantage of her way to easily.
Example: Sonya wanted to come here for the weekend and her family made such a big deal because she hadn't spent much time with them lately only to go there and pretty much feel alienated the whole time. No one ever goes to her until they want something. She's 22 and her Mother won't even let her use the car to finish getting her driver's license. I think that's due to Sonya wanting to finally break away and be her own person.
I don't hate her and there is really nothing to forgive, I just miss her touch, the way she looked at me but most of all I miss her friendship, I will try to live as happily as I can but that is going to take some time to heal
I lied, now that I sit here and think about it as rational as a cancer can, I'm pissed at her. TO shut me out is one thing but to attach yourself to a 10 year old little girl, start acting as a mother figure? that part pisses me off. I talked with my daughter about it and she doesn't want her back in her life, So it is done, that's it, My kiddo will not be hurt by anyone twice if I can help it