Married, but attracted to someone else. May I have a reading please?

  • I know it is very wrong. My husband is a good man (Virgo 09/13/1975), but I no longer have strong feelings for him (we have only been married for 4 years, together 7). I have become very attracted to another man (Cancer 06/25/1971) with whom I feel an overwhelming intellectual and spiritual connection. I know it is mutual, but we have not acted on it because I am married. This is also a major source of internal conflict/fear for the Cancer man, who is very typical of his sign. I do not want to hurt my husband, but I cannot stop thinking about this other man and how much he stimulates me intellectually (…and therefore sexually – I was not physically attracted to him when we first met, until we had a long conversation), and the type of life I would have with him. I am a Capricorn 01/19/1970.

    Thank you.

  • We are capapable of loving many people and all married people get an outside spark now and then. There are choices and there are attractions. We can be tempted by feel good things but we must include our head. The emotions are high and that's not a good place to be----keep yourself safe. Include your head. If you had never met this new man would your marriage be fine? If there are issues in your marriage you need to deal with that first. Your marriage deserves that effort--you made a committment and should honor that in fairness to your partner by first dealing with what went wrong and if it is time to part you need to resolve that before getting intimate with the new man. Right now it's all untested fantasy. Marriage is not all romance---or fun like dating. It's a partnership that weathers the yucky stuff--the realities of life--sharing disapointments--sickness--financial stress. Your part time man does not have to pass the reality test of arguing over the bills---who left the wet towel on the bed and all the other small unromantic events that make for a marriage. When you and your husband first dated I'm sure you looked forward to long talks with him. If something really did go wrong in your marriage you need to discuss that with your man and get it out in the open that something is missing---isn't that what you would hope if it were you with a husband ready to cheat? The new man--he will wait. Deal with your marriage first. I sense that if you do cheat and your husband finds out you will have lost him. I don't see him forgiving you should you change your mind. There's nothing wrong with being married and having yummy men friends---God made us sensual creatures. But we enjoy the yummy ones and keep it in the open and do not disrespect ourselves or our mates without some form of conseqeince--even if we do not get caught. Sometimes we don't miss our water untill the well runs dry. All marriages get comfy---change into something less eventfull then the romantic stage. If you leave your husband--or at least agree to a trial seperation first--at least you will know for sure if it's right and can turn back a little wiser. If you cheat and regret it it you will hurt not only others but yourself. Deal with your marriage first. BLESSINGS!

  • Thank you Blmoon. I can say with certainty that I wouldn’t physically cheat on my husband (probably for the less-than-noble reason that the guilt would devastate me), but mentally I have done it over and over, and that’s almost as bad. Just putting my feelings into writing (in my post) made me feel nauseas due to the sense of guilt.

    The rest of this post up to the last paragraph is just ranting:

    You are right that I need to address the issues with my husband first. I fell in love with him because he is a good, kind man, but with strength of character. He is very tall and handsome. However, we come from very different backgrounds and really don’t have much in common. My childhood friend – who knows me better than anyone – questioned our compatibility…but of course I got annoyed with her at the time. I can deal with the mundane day-to-day issues you mention (and I actually like the comfort zone), but I feel they are not interspersed with anything more stimulating. I have told my husband that I am bored and restless. He knows that I met this guy, and that I had feelings for him (doesn’t know that I still do), and that I feel a strong connection with him. I have never lied to my husband about seeing the other guy (for instance, while my husband was away for work), and I tell him when we communicate.

    I have an art history major, architecture minor and my father was a professional artist. My new ‘friend’ (who is short and stumpy) is an architect with a very strong interest in art…and several character flaws. We no longer communicate often (I try to keep my distance, but when we do briefly connect it is great, and then he does his Cancer withdrawal thing anyway), and I have even prayed to God asking Him to help me love my husband more and forget this guy.

    I feel trapped because my adoring husband says things to me like “you are my whole life”, and I am overwhelmed with guilt and the feeling that I could never, ever intentionally hurt this lovely man (more than I have already done). And even a trial separation would have that effect.

    Your reply did hit home, though, and I will cut all contact with this other person. Plus I have applied for a job that will involve a lot of travel in Asia, which if I get, I hope will quell some of my restlessness.

    Thank you so much.

  • DOn't want to be obnoxious but from my experience, coming from a family line of artists and being married to a musician I would warn you that they are always looking for something new, something to mould and create, that they get restless if caught up with no room to move. Indeed I am one too. I would fear for you that as soon as you become available that he would lose interest.

    But you should deal with you marital issues regardless, life is too short to be unhappy as I was told on this forum also regarding marital issues. Good luck and think wisely.


  • Thanks for the words of wisdom, Paddifluff. Where you comment “they get restless if caught up with no room to move…” you are describing me! In fact my husband puts it all down to a creative block. You may be right, though. I’ll leave it in God’s hands…but I would have liked a reading nonetheless. XO

  • Thanks for the words of wisdom, Paddifluff. Where you comment “they get restless if caught up with no room to move…” you are describing me! In fact my husband puts it all down to a creative block. You may be right, though. I’ll leave it in God’s hands…but I would have liked a reading nonetheless. XO

  • Well you know yourself you do not actually need a reading, you know yourself best what you have to do. Me, I would try to salvage my marriage, it is amazing what your partner will tell you if you actually take the time to listen (well substitute "one" for "you").

    Yes creative blocks are a pain in the proverbial b., I feel stuck as well and am bashing at the walls to get out and find something new to inspire me. I know we are supposed to be happy with what we have and I am, but creative people need just a little bit more...good luck maybe someone in the tarot section could do a reading for you if you post there with a link to this post. Ask LivingonaPrayer she is great.


  • Might I hasten to add do not discount Blmoon' s words, otherwise when you read this thread in a few weeks you will kick yourself.


  • I've been reading about the stages of relationships and different types. I think you're in the stimulation stage w/this other guy--the first stage of attraction. It states that every relationship reaches a plateau after the stimulation or initial attraction. Intimacy is next, which you have gone thru by sharing ideas (communication), then commitment/plans stage is next. Seems you're describing your marriage as empty love or just co-habitating. It takes 2. Your husband has endearing characteristics that a lot would be thankful for. My question is how long have you known the other person. If you do act on your feelings, the relationship will move to questions concerning your marriage. You'll get into the commitment/plans stage (something that is a grey, if not dark area right now.) Blue Moon is right, are you ready for your marriage to be over.

  • Thanks all. As I mentioned, I will cut all contact with this other person (at least I will try). I am not ready for my marriage to be over. Something that I have told my husband is that I need to be responsible for my own sense of fulfilment, rather than externalising the responsibility for this. But this is easier said than done.

    Daliolite, I met the guy in June 2010 for business, then there was no more contact until last March (2011), when he added me to his contacts on a networking web site. My husband was away, and I don’t know many people where we live (I am an Australian living in Europe), so when he asked me out for a drink I eventually accepted. I certainly did not expect to develop feelings for him; I just hoped to expand my circle of friends to include some interesting people who are not my husband’s work colleagues.

    Thanks Pad for suggesting I ask LivingonaPrayer for the reading.

  • Hey Confu, whereabouts in Europe are you? I am in The Netherlands near Amsterdam.


  • ConfuCap

    I was drawn to your energy as I am an Artist Poet Musician---creative to the max! I sensed your need for more is your spirit asking you to invest more into your Art. Creative people need space! I want you to see the blessing in having a partner that does not consume that. Life has a way of directing us to make choices that support our destiny. I've been with the same man for over 40 years. He is my opposite and not an artist and I did learn that what I craved in him--to be more---was meant to inspire me to seek my art. The silence between us at times is perfect for me to withdraw and create. Ours is a deep and loyal committment with a long leash. So it is in that perspective that changes right frong wrong. It is always not good for a creator to look to a mate for everything--if you got that from someone you lose your creative edge--your power. I learned that in my chart I have a friction between home and artist--part of me can be complacent and comfy in the home and leaning on my man to fill me. BUT it ends up making me restless on a spiritual level because I have a destiny outside of that so it has been my challange to balance that. Instead of forcing my husband to be someone he is not I have learned to find that in myself or in friends. I have an artists life my man does not care to entertain although he is supportive and proud of me. I have yummy talented men friends to talk art with. But there is no bedroom temptation. In fact as a younger woman if that ever happened it was usually a sign that I needed to be working harder on an artistic project. I was learning about myself and what motivates me and my weaknesses for the road of least resistance. I think everyone despite the advice they get here should also use their crises to know themselves better as that is life--for all of us--some things are general wisdom but we also are individuals with special unique journeys. I think you are very intuitive and should follow that urge to put into your work as that is the thing that satisfys and loves you back in an empowering way. Artists often surround themselves with "muses"---meet in groups and send each other creative inspiring little cards and notes. I have been in writer's groups were artists muse off of each other in a way that feeds their art. Great beautifull things can be creative in honor of ones feelings for another. The sexual energy is just redirected. Creation is in the same chakra as sexuality for a reason! It's an energy. That's what I pick up that you are really craving--inspiration. Immerse yourself into the art world. You can do this without destroying the safety and grounded foundation of your marriage--do not confuse artistic resslessness with a need that is more a quik fix but comes from the same place---sexuality. BLESSINGS!

  • Paddi, I live in Italy, near Venice.

  • Blmoon, I cried when I read your post. I think your insights are correct. My fundamental problem is creative restlessness, a lack of inspiration; I think I have about 25 years of creative frustration pent up inside of me. You are lucky that you are surrounded by other creative spirits. This was the case for me in Australia, but as I mentioned in my other post, since moving to Italy (a soul destroying place when you live here, believe it or not) I have not been able to meet anyone with whom I have an affinity…except that person. And since trying to forget him, I have started dreaming about him every night.

    I will heed your advice and immerse myself in art. This will be a great challenge for me; overcoming my demons who scream at me “perfection or nothing.” The result is almost always “nothing.”


  • In every artist's journey there is a time for going it alone a bit--it strengthens the "will" and gives discipline. Also, there is wise saying that where you put your energy most--your focus--determines what comes to you. So this will be an effort at first that ignores the need for instant gratification and once you live the life of an artist---just do it---that energy will attract the art world to you! Promise. BLESSINGS!

  • Thank you! XX

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