I need a reading badly, please. Difficult dilemma.

  • My sister has just finished the course of chemotherapy and is going to start the radio therapy. She has also been operated (breast cancer), they've taken all the bad cells out and the prognosis is very good. I've been there for her during all this time, helping any way I could, but now, that the worst part is over, I feel that I need a break and some time for myself, so I was thinking of going on holidays to see a friend abroad. She, however, always worries about me travelling on my own and she told me that for a couple of years I should put her health first, that is not to do anything that might make her worry, like travelling abroad. I would really appreciate a reading about the consequences of that trip on her health, if I decide to do it anyway. I feel trapped, but I love her and her health does come first. Is there any reasonable way of dealing with this situation ?

  • You cannot live your life for anyone else or according to their wishes. Otherwise you will never be happy. Tell your sister that if she loves you, she will let you live and do what you want. Your sister must deal with her own fears - it's not what you do that affects her health but what she does. It's not good for either of you for her to be so clingy.

  • Captain, thank you so much for your insight. I absolutely agree with all that you say. I've been having those conversations with my sister for years, even before she got ill, but her answer has always been that we are twins, worrying about me is her biological response, she can't change the way she feels. After one time that she had to face a major challenge on her own (to go to the other country to take care of our father who was seiously ill) she's got sick herself. I know she's blaming me for that, because I couldn't go with her due to the circumstances (my passport was expired and it took some time to renew it). So now I'm just scared to do anything that might trigger her "biological response" again, at the same time realising that it's a very unhealthy situation. My mum is also putting pressure on me to accomodate her for couple of years. Well, I'll just have to navigate though this situation somehow and keep persuading her , I guess.

  • If you are as close to your sister as she claims you are, how could it not affect her positively for you to go on this trip, refresh yourself with rest, beauty and joy?

    We come into our lives with "themes".... Issues we will work on to advance and elevate our Souls. I would say your sister has a theme of needing to take responsibility for her own life. It IS her Choice to experience illness and unhappiness. It IS your responsibility to live your life as your Heart leads you.

    I apologize for these harsh words. What your sister is doing is manipulative, controlling and NOT loving. These are a very low vibrational frequencies.... The same frequencies that cause illness. Show her how to live in the very high frequencies of Joy, Beauty, and Happiness. :-). Go on this trip..... If it is allowed, everyone will be Blessed positively. But PLEASE do not pack guilt in your luggage.

  • I want you to think about something....how stressful is YOU GOING ON VACATION? Think about it. What exactly is she stressing about so much that it'll trigger some king of downward health spiral? Nothing. As most people have said, she's just clinging to you. Try something....tell her you have a "solution". If she's so worried about you going by yourself, then fine, you'll invite someone to go with you. See if she doesn't make up another excuse as to why it would stress her out if you went.

    I know you want your sister to be happy, but you have to be happy too. Honestly,with all you've done for her, she should be so happy that your finally taking some time for yourself.

  • Thanks everybody for replying. I know you are right. My sister does have this overly anxious, overly protective, overmothering disposition. I am persuaded that her breast cancer is related to it, by the way. What she worries about the most is the fact that this friend lives quite a long way away, in a different country, and there are several airplanes involved. She has this phobia of flying (like myself, besides, except I still go for it, while she wouldn't). To be honest I would rather go by myself, as I'd like to have one to one communication time with this friend.

    However, maybe I should undertake something less ambitious this time, considering the fact that she'll still be doing radio therapy and her immune system might not be strong enough to cope with anxiety yet. On the other hand I can't see her ever being ok about me going there, and now is the rare opportunity when I have time to do it. So there is a lot to consider. I am even considering to find some "creative" solution - not giving her the dates and calling her when I am already there, or something of that nature. I'd rather avoid such measures, though. One thing is sure, once she gets back to health I'll try to spend less time with her, so that she gets more used to my absence.

  • Just want to add - Tuckerwink, you are absolutely right about my sister's "theme". That's exactly what her theme is and has always been - taking responsibility for what happens to her. By the way, I've just spoken to her and she told me that she's trying hard not to get depressed. I suggested her to try psychotherapy,and she said she'll consider it. So, fingers crossed, maybe a therapist will get this message through to her, if she really goes for it.

  • Don't your see, VS, that you are actually weakening your sister more by coddling her and giving in to her desires? If you really want her to get better and grow up, you will help her to face her issues and not run away from them or use other people to carry her. Go on your holiday and let your sister finally face her demons and work through them. Otherwise everyone who loves her is keeping her at the same immature age for the rest of her life. At some point, helping can become unconstructive when you keep providing a crutch for someone who needs to walk on their own feet.

  • You sound and FEEL stronger......Yea!! What Captain said is so true....IT IS TIME for her to stand up and be responsible for her life and grow up.

    And also realize that your example to go-ahead and LIVE your life will have incredible influence on her. It sounds like she has never been shown how to be strong and move past fear. Give her that gift. It is far more powerful than caving in to her fear.... 🙂

  • And also some people will subconsciously make themselves ill just to get attention or keep people looking after them.

  • Hi Voply Soply, I hope you don't mind my intrusion, please forgive.

    There is a co-dependency relationship between you two sisters, and fear is playing a part on both sides.

    Fear of rejection keeps you close...you are afraid of doing something to harm your sister, when in fact you are the one so deeply connected to her and would never harm her. When she throws out a guilt card you are tempted to pick it up for fear of losing her.

    Fear of being alone physically is her greatest fear, and she throws out the guilt card when she sees you becoming independent. This is one of her life lessons. How to let go...while realizing she never really does, because love is eternal.

    Taking the Captain's and Tucker"s words to heart will help you through this.

    Sharing the twin bond as you do means neither of you will ever be completely alone...no matter the distance between you- you share a special bond that keeps you connected...and you will always be close, no matter how far apart physically.

    Perhaps you can re assure your sister with that fact.

    Soul mates and deep friendships are also this way- so closely connected that no matter where life takes them they forever live in each others hearts, and often think of each other simultaneously.

    There is nothing to fear, for either of you. Embrace life as you were meant to...the learning and growing is there for you both, each in seperate ways.

    You are not each responsible for how the other chooses to accept or deny the choices in front of you.

    So throw the guilt card away and tell your sissy that you love her and always will, but you must go where your angels are leading you. It will be all right. She will be all right, because she has angels with her as well on this journey.

  • Patchlove, I am grateful for your "intrusion" and for everybody's opinions, that's why I posted it - to get opinions. Captain, you are absolutely right, some people do make themselves unconsciously ill, so that they wouldn't have to deal with challenges, and my sister is one of them. She's got ill after she had to travel to the other country to take care of our dad, who had a colon cancer. Those 2 weeks were a huge shock for her. Some months after she returned she's got ill, and she hinted several times that if I went with her, this wouldn't have happened. I believe her cancer was a subconcious attempt to make sure she doesn't have to deal with it anymore.

    A couple of years ago I actually made this same trip that I was/am planning to do now, and she told me that she was sick with anxiety during that time. So yes, there is a lot of neurosis there and some emotional manipulation, but it's not on a conscious level. Unfortunately the reality is that she is actually getting herself sick, and that scares me.

    I just had this conversation with her, giving her all my reasons, to which she said - "do you realise what I am going through ? I am sick and you are rocking the boat, just when I need to be in peace. To wait until I'm well - is it too much to ask ? I have always been there for you when you needed me (not sure what exactly she is talking about), and you are washing your hands off me."

    So, whatever decision I'm going to make, it won't be an easy one. Anyway, I am processing all this information for now...

  • But she will make sure that she is never well in order to keep you with her. So do you see how your presence can in fact be counterproductive for her recovery? You must leave for both your sakes.

  • Captain, I am inclined to leave, in fact I've booked the airplanes tickets, but it's not an easy decision. She says her blood count goes down when she worries, and I know it's true, unfortunately. I know she needs all her strength right now for the radio therapy, and she thinks that I'm being cruel making her worry at this particular time. So it's not easy. Plus our mum is also putting pressure on me.

  • VP, I feel for your dilemma. It must be tough dealing with all that emotional pressure. We are so brought up to think certain things are important and certain not that we lose our grip on what's important for us. But this trip's important for you because and maybe a holiday in comparison with cancer is a trivial thing but I suppose you already know the issue is not the holiday here but your sister and mother trying to induce guilt in you for her own needs. That is not fair to you and guess it would be easier for you if you cold detach the comparative importance of both and view the problem for itself. What if tomorrow your sister wanted you to kill someone or yourself because it would help her? I know super dramatic example and I mean no disrespect at all to your sister but I am sure you get my point. Guess you yourself are putting yourself in a dock thinking it is selfish for you to go off on a holiday (trivial) cause you need it (selfish) when your sister (poor thing) is suffering with cancer (oh so big!). But you are so not selfish at all. You love her, have been there for her and will continue to support her. You are worried about how your actions will affect her even now. Guess, its all about drawing a line as to how much of ourselves are we willing to let others over-ride. Relationships are all about give and take but then we all know drawing that line is so important, not only for our own sanity but so that we can be full enough to give more. Its not your mother's fault either to think the way she does, well, we all are brought up with such generalities aren't we? You don't deserve the guilt you are putting yourself through. You are not being selfish or insensitive which I think is your worry. Nor are you putting your needs above and beyond your sister's. Guess if you simply explain to your mother and sister in a gentle and calm manner why this trip is important to you and assure them you know what you are doing they will be fine too. After all our guilt gives others the 'hold' over us to demand things they have no right to. All the best to you dear and may you have a rocking and super awesome holiday!!! 🙂

  • Thank you for your support, Saggigirl ! Well, guilt has been a theme between my sister and myself for a very long time. For some reason it is important for her to know that she comes first on my list of priorities, and she does often make me feel guilty for some childhood issues and other things. However, at this point I think I'm done with guilt, and the only thing that really concerns me now is the fact that she can't help feeling the way she feels (anxiety) and that does really affect her health. We had lots of discussions about that even before her illness. I was always pushing for a certain degree of authonomy, while with her it was quite the opposite. Maybe that's because she perceives herself the "older" and the responsible one, and me somewhat unpractical and uncareful. This must have something to do with the fact that she is a mother , and I guess maternity offen affects women this way - they become fearful and anxious to some degree. As for my mum , I understand why she wants me to accomodate my sister, and she is an anxious person herself, so trying to persuade her is quite useless. I have already tried. I am thinking now about the long term strategy - somehow to train both of them to gradually get used to a certain degree of separation. Probably less words, more action. Funny thing is that we have already lived in different countries for few years, and my sister didn't even call me that often. But that was before she became a mother. Well, the only question is whether now is the right time to start the process, or should I wait for few months .

  • Anyway, I've booked the tickets...:-)

  • When it comes down to it, everyone must take responsibility for their own life and health - it's not down to anyone else to be responsible for us.

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  • That is absolutely true, Captain. However, my sister's arguement is that her doctors say that now is the period in her life when she needs all the support form the family she can get. Also she says that there is nothing shameful in sometimes depending on others, under such serious circumstances. She is right too, but the question is - where to draw the line of healthy support, and at what point does it become unhealthy.

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