Captain a recurring issue if you have a moment

  • HI Captain, I hope your move went well and you have your dream house and are happy there. I have a question for you, once again my husband...

    The school my girls are at are very parent engaged and they believe in preventive measures so when they saw me started to burn out with my rather difficult setup and difficult husband they offered me the help of their social worker. I accepted the help. The lady is really nice, we have discussed a few issues and she and the school want to get me back on my feet and in to a life that offers more than just childminding and wifery. Well to do that she had to meet my husband because he is part of the family even though he is never here (he works away during the week and is at home at weekends but he was never here when he was around). So finally I got him to agree for this morning. OK he whacked a few things on the table about how he has given up communicating with me because I have a guilt complex (he tells me the kids have no manners, are messy etc, the house is never tidy etc and I feel bad) and basically that he tries to be strict with the kids because otherwise they will never learn anything. Anyway I have told him that I am not going any further with him unless he agreees to marriage counselling. It is like I have been living a lie for the past few years.Captain do you think our marriage will survive or am I fighting a brick wall and should I make the break and be done with it? He crossed a couple of lines this weekend which he should not have done.

    Any insight would be very much appreciated, the social worker has to stay neutral of course.

    Thanks, Sheelaghx

  • Deep down you know you cannot put up with caring for and carrying the extra 'child' in the family. Your husband's absences indicate how little he wants to be home with his family. This situation is causing you too much stress to be good for you, so it's either you or him. I have seen you try so hard to make this marriage work but you are fighting on your own. Your husband has given clear indications that he isn't interested in seeing your point of view or doing the right thing for the family. Cut him loose.

  • Thank you Captain,I can hear you screaming when will this girl ever wake up; well he says his absences from home are necessary otherwise we will never have any money, he says this is the way it is, we will never be normal, we are not like other families. I told him I was not supporting his lifestyle any more and he got mad and said he had quit his job and was coming home and I could go out and provide for the family. What an illusion, he can handle the kids noise and mess for max. 24hours before he loses it.

    And he will not get counselling, he says if we cannot sort out our problems together then noone can help us.

    I asked my angels for guidance on the ever imminent move to Ireland, usual story he wants to move I will be the one doing everything so I have refused for now and they put this in my path. I guess they are trying to tell me something. I have asked them to guide me through. I am not worried about the outcome, I know I am guided and it will be the right one.

    THX you are very kind


  • I wish you well, Paddi. I think you have endured a lot but it has brought out your strength and resourcefulness. Your husband does not want change because he is happy with the way things are...or at least he has come to bear it. He is not willing to put in the necessary effort to improve things for his family and he has not been honest with you about all the things he does while he is away.

  • Ah the honesty issue, yes I have no clue what he does when he walks out the door let alone when he spends the week away. Do you think he is being unfaithful? I sometimes wonder when he comes back not looking stressed if you get my drift. Honesty. He denies everything.

  • I don't feel that he is actually having sex, but he is definitely flirting and chatting to other women to boost his ego.

  • I actually feel like he fears women deep down which is why he skirts around having affairs.

  • Flirting is not so bad really, the menu is free for everyone to look at. depends how far it gets.

    You can kick my pretty rear end if you like but he has agreed to counselling even though he says it is a waste of time, so I am going to go through that and then I will know I have tried everything.

  • OK. Let me know how you go.

  • Update. flirting yes, I know who with I just have never met her and do not know if it is merely a flirt or if there is more, but I think at the moment it is a flirt.

    I have given up on the relationship therapy thing, hubby is always right no matter what anyone else says so I am not going to invest my energy in that because it will never be any different.

    Do you really honestly think he does not want to be around the family? I cannot fathom his reasons for being so absent. When Ia sked for help I got my head taken off for not ahving respect for him and complaining that I needed him for nursery duty so I could go out and have alife whereas he spends any spare time he has with the family. Do I have to take that? He says it was a language thing but I did ask if he considered being a father as something one does in their spare time. And do I not ahve the right to time for myself.

    How do other mothers manage when they are married to a workaholic who refuses to admit he is not a workaholic just building up a future?

  • I feel like your husband is going through some sort of 'change of life' sort of thing where he feels his freedom and attractiveness slipping away from him as he falls into a rut of dull predictable family life (even though he is not fulfilling his duty as father and husband). He hates to feel he is 'past it' and tries desperately to hang on to his lost youth. This is immature thinking but it may take losing all that he has for him to finally appreciate it and to look forward to the future.

  • Well he has said that his hard work is his declaration of love. I think he got that from his upbringing. I do not equate love with work so this is really hard for me to understand.

    Hi thinks if I lose all my material stuff I will finally appreciate him. I find it very warped and sad.

  • Oh and he works with a group of people all his age all single no kids. There are some that prefer the older mature man...

  • You have known for a long time that he is basically just a big child at heart.

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