Wow where to begin. I'm a Cancer girl (recently 18) and my ex is an Aries man, 25. After a relationship of four months filled with plans, love letters, trips to the park with his children (ages 4 and 2), promises made, intimacy, and plans to move in together, I am left like I am worthless, and out $200 of my hard-earned money in the process (I'll get to that later). Writing this pains me greatly, but I have to tell someone the whole story.
We met in a class we had together at the community college we both attend. It was instant attraction. After a heavenly first date, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. Never had I known before a guy so handsome and gentlemanly, and most of all caring. He told me about his two kids (who he shared custody with his ex wife) and showed me pictures of them, and they were adorable. It seemed I had met my soul mate.
My mom (who I lived and still live with) hated him from the beginning; I thought because of the age difference, but I tried to get her to come around. Of course she was right in the end, but I didn't know that. She's always said cruel things to me, like "I wish you were dead," so I didn't take her opinion seriously like I should have. But now it spun out of control. She insisted I move in with him if I was so serious and even told me one day, "Don't come home tonight", so that was the first night I spent at his house, where him and his roommate live, and from then some nights I'd stay with him, some at the house with my family (mom/brother).
He welcomed me and was the only person who had ever taken such an interest in me and cared so much. He would always listen to anything I said, school worries, family problems. He confided in me, too--about his ex-wife who he "caught cheating" during his 3 year marriage to her (a Scorpio), and said he'd tried to commit suicide when she told him he'd never see his kids again if he divorced her. He did anyway and fought for custody of them, and ended up with custody of the older one, but still swapping off sometimes so each of them could see both children.
We made plans to live together permanently, and he said he would never hurt me, that we'd always be together, that I was the one he was meant to be with. It went so far as we were going to move to a different state together at the end of the summer, where his parents live, along with his son. (Another lie, but I didn't know it.) So I told my mom and brother, to be fair to them because I believed we were really moving, that we were going to "x" state to live.
So we made plans that I would live with him, his child (when he was not with his ex), and his roommate. I wanted to help them. I bought them groceries and paid $40 to restore their electric piano so I and their friends could play it. I had gotten a job with more hours so I could pay them rent. In the meantime, I gave them $200 I earned from my old job as a sort of downpayment. And my "soulmate" broke up with me not two days later. He said he had been depressed for a long time and was not making his custody-son his priority like he should be. He said it was not my fault, he was sorry, all that. Funny how these problems didn't come up before I gave him that money. He said his parents were ill and that he wanted to move there alone with his son at the end of the summer. Another lie: he signed up for fall classes here. And even worse, we signed up for one of the same summer classes, and I have to see him 4 days a week. I'm forced to watch him Google the answers to the teacher's questions during class. Now I'm forced to see him when he's taken my virginity, money, time, and so much more. I hate him more than I've ever hated someone, and there's nothing I can do. I feel like he'll never pay for his actions. (All this has caused me to seriously question my faith in God and humanity as well). He still lies and says he'll pay back the money, but it's been nearly two months and I still haven't.
What hurts the most, more than the money, is all the lies and false hope. All the plans, happiness. I put so much faith in him and he threw it all away. I miss his children so much, too, and worry about them. Everyone tells me I'm "too cute for him anyway" and that I'm "young, it's no big deal". But it hurts so much. My mom is telling me now that I "lied to her" and I "should be in [state x] right now", and keeps telling me to move out. But I have nowhere to go. The only person who's really been there is my brother, and even his opinion of me changed. I have thoughts of suicide and wonder why I've had to go through this, what I did to deserve it.
Thanks so much for reading this long letter. Any advice is appreciated. I just don't know what to do.
Wow, that's really rough. So....I know this is all made harder by the fact that your mom is being absolutely psychotic about it, but you just have to take this as a very hard "lesson learned". You are young, so this is probably the first time you've encountered a guy like that, but most of the time if you know a guy for a short period of time and he's already saying your soul mates and you need to move in together and hop states and etc, its always a very bad sign. A healthy relationship does not go from point A to point Z in one week. It takes time to truly get to know someone, love them, and trust them. No healthy man will hold your hand and then say he's going to marry you.
So, I know he took a lot from you, and there's nothing you can do to get it back...but you really have to just work through your anger, and resentment, and just take it in as a big experience. Remember all the "signs" that you didnt recognize at the time and file them away. This isn't going to be the last bad man to enter your life, so your gonna need this experience to battle them all away and see them coming.
As for your mom....I have no idea what to do. From this point, I would work on getting a solid job that can support rent and moving out eventually. She is NOT a healthy influence, so whenever you can support yourself, I would get out of there. You need to work on yourself, and you need a positive environment to do that.
But, hun, don't worry. It seems terrible now, but you just need to keep pushing and eventually you'll be able to leave it all behind you.
I hope that helps!
Thanks, MariaRia. I appreciate your advice. I thought about your advice last night and you are right. I am working on being able to move out and already have one part time job, but I want to continue my education as well and try not to compromise it. I would get a full time job and move out tomorrow if I didn't care about that, so I'm not 100% sure what I should do.
Everyone tells me I should take this whole experience as a lesson, and I suppose they're right. And I will. I'm just not sure what the "lesson" is! Not to trust people? A lot of guys are bad and there's nothing to be done? I mean, I guess I shouldn't have lost my virginity to him. It's just he told me "We'll be spending the rest of our lives together" and I should not have believed him. And you're right about healthy relationships not moving fast. I remember he told me he loved me after we'd been dating like 2 weeks and I should have taken that as a sign. I remember I told him I didn't feel the same way about him yet, so early on, you know? And he was always dissing my mom. I mean, I did too sometimes, but that shouldn't automatically give him license to. I suppose another sign would be when he stopped caring about the way he looked around me. I thought we had just been together a while so he became less worried about that because before then he was always saying how "nervous" he was around me because he "cared so much". Ugh. Another sign he wasn't entirely sane was the way he talked about his children. I remember telling him once I wanted to help his son "be the best kid he can be". He replied, "He's ALREADY a good kid," like he didn't need my or anyone's help. He also spoils him and lets him get away with anything. Once the boy disabled the seat belt on his little brother's carseat and his dad didn't do anything except yell at him that it was wrong to do it. So any discipline is pretty much chucked out the window, and I fear for the kids for that reason. That's all the signs I can think of that I noticed.
I guess now I just need advice about what to do about my mom, if anything, and how to work out my anger and pain issues. I really appreciate your advice MariaRia, and any other advice, insights, input from anyone is appreciated as well. Thank you so much.