Please help with Cancer man having doubts
Please help me. I have been with my Fiance for two years, he lives in the US and I am in England, I am in the process of emmigrating to marry him. We have always had an amazing relationship, as I am a cancer too we are quite dependent, intimate, close...our lives have revolved around each other from the start. We have flown back and forth a lot and on Valentines day this year he flew over and proposed to me. He has been the most loving, attentive, affectionate man I could have dreamed of. He never played games with me, he was consistant and devoted. I met and for a few months lived with he and his family, his Mother especially adores me and calls me her daughter, even our children love each other. (We are both 28 and have 2 boys each)
Often I would get utterly frustrated with the distance and lash out at him, mostly because I was missing him and felt like I was carrying a lot of the burden, he couldn't move to me cos of shared custody. As time went on it got to a point where we still had a blissful relationship but would have full blown arguments about every 2 weeks, threaten to break up and ignore each other for a day. I would act jealous and resentful and seek reassurance constantly.
In recent weeks I felt like he was starting to distance a bit emotionally and last wednesday we had a show down argument because of me acting insecure about his feelings, he used to always reassure me no matter what I threw at him but this time he flipped, said it was over.
Later we talked calmly, he said he was having doubts about marrying me and it was killing him, he said that final argument was like a switch was flicked and he went from certain to doubtful over night. Now we have gone from being in contact around the clock to him sending me one or two emails a day and nothing more. In his emails he says he hasn't broken up with me and is still madly in love, but he needs time because he has come to wonder if I will move there and end up hating him for the sacrifice I made, or we will keep arguing. He says arguing he can stand but full out wars he cant.
Last night he wrote to me and asked what will change between us? how can we fix this, if at all? Having had so much time to think and realise how stupid I am and how much I miss him, and how amazing he is, and how I am still dealing with some trauma and seperation anxiety from my past, I wrote a long heart felt email back, acknowledging responsibility for all my mistakes and adding suggestions of what we could do.
I haven't heard back yet and I am so terrified this is the end, This man is my life, it has been my dream for two years to finally never have to say goodbye again and for us to be a family full time, the children still think we are going and I am dying inside missing him and so frightened what the future holds, we are supposed to be marrying in october.
He hasnt changed his online status's from engaged and says he hasn't left me but needs time to decide, but he has never done anything like this before. he has never withdrawn like this, yesterday I noticed for the first time ever he didnt tell me he loved me. I am trying to be positive whenever we email and reassuring. I just dont know what else to do. Please give me some advice, I feel I am about to lose the best thing that ever happened to me, the love of my life, I am a complete mess! I would give anything to make this up to him and have the amazing future we planned.
Can anyone help me? He has agreed to take things slowly and try to reconnect but says he cant make any promises. How do I help him be sure again?
I think you have to quit throwing fits and learn how to relax. I think it is wonderful that you emailed him and saw where you went wrong.
I think as people we fall so short in trusting in love.
Becareful, these men like their space, he may be at ease with the long distant between you guys and now the reality of you moving to the USA has got his wheels turning.
Keep the communication open, (verbally not just email), be sure he is ready for you to live with him, this is a huge step for both of you.
The hardest lesson I learn't, NEVER make a man your life! Remember you have 2 sons, most importantly take care of you first.
Hope all works out for you!
See, this is difficult because you guys live far apart and therefor haven't had the luxury of really spending a solid amount of face-to-face time with each other. My father married a long distance relationship and I cannot TELL you how much they didn't know about each other till they started living together full time. They argued constantly and eventually divorced. I understand it's difficult to trust in a relationship thats so far apart, but I think you have to make a choice.
You either: Trust him completely and STOP being so insecure and instigating arguments. No relationship will make it if there isn't comfort and trust. A person can only take so much accusations before they get fed up and leave.
Decide a long distance relationship is a bad idea and break it off.
Move to the U.S. and live with him for as long as you can before you make the final decision to get married. (I'm sure you can get a tourist visa or temporary residence for like 6 months or however long you can stay. I know you lived with him and his parents for a few months but its not long enough)
You guys have a certain chemistry going on now, but you really don't know what will happen until you spend more time together. It's impossible to tell.
Also, keep in mind what Piscesstar said...never make a man your life. You must always be able to stand on your own.
Thank you all. I have lived with him for 3 month periods, it was amazing. The stress all seems to be symptomatic of the distance, but seen as we spend most of our time apart it had got to the point where we were having huge blow outs about every 2 weeks.
I was jealous and insecure, and I became clingy. I have done so much thinking this past week and see all the mistakes I have made so clearly.
I know he still loves me, all I want is for him to give me a chance to show him I have realized my mistakes, even if it means putting delays on moving and going slow. Last night he said he would but now he has gone distant again.
I have decided not to contact him at all unless he does first. I would really love to coax him back to even just giving this one last chance.
Anyone know how I should approach this? is giving a ton of space the key here?
You are all right too, I put him on a pedestal, He made me feel so secure and loved it almost became an addiction, and then to keep testing him to see if he still felt that way. I really can't blame him for hitting his limit.
But its taken this to make me realize what I was doing. I guess I may not get a chance to put it right.
I think he is giving you that chance right now. he needs to see your actions and words match up to what want your relationship to be. Love him but do not worship him. Be his rock. His partner, his safety zone. Be his comfort and his joy. Not the one who brings him sorrow and strife.
Find the peace and security in your love for one another. Do your best to work out your issues from the past so they do not continue to rule your present and future. I know how difficult that can be, trust me.
But most importantly, don;t sabbatage YOUR OWN happiness!!
Thank you Taurus, he has been initiating contact daily and we even web cam'd on thursday which was lovely but it also made me sad because he looked so broken
I told him that regardless of any outcome I want to be the person he can depend on, that I'm worried about him and am here for him no matter what. Now I'm just taking things steady and trying to keep it light. He is being receptive to me but he is still quite distant. He hasn't said he misses me or loves me in days.
It really is hard because up until a week and a half ago we were so in love and I want so much to be back in that happy place but I really dont want to blow my chances by pushing him.
And Taurus you are right, I have been sabotaging my own happiness. I'm truly working on changing my ways