Hanswolfgang, please help me one more time



  • Hi Hans,

    Hope you're doing well. I'm wrecking my brain trying to figure out what to do and I really think your advice would help...

    No surprise, it's about my Gemini friend again. So a few weeks ago we kind of decided to not pursue a physical relationship on account of it probably ending with tears. Although I think this was mostly his decision. I didn't argue then but it's becoming more and more clear to me now that it wouldn't be my preference.

    It seemed to me that, for a few weeks, he was figuring things out and I thought giving him time would be a good idea. But now it feels like he's trying to keep his distance a bit (I could be wrong, I do tend to overact sometimes when it comes to him). And I don't know if I should continue to give him time or if I should try to let him know subtly that I don't agree with his decision. So... my questions are...

    When he made the decision not to pursue a relationship, why was it? Was it because he thought that it would be better for me?

    Has he now decided that it's better for him to avoid me altogether? (I know he still enjoys being in my company, he just doesn't initiate contact anymore)

    Should I give him time to think things over? Or should I tell him that I think we should spend time together? And lastly, which of these two options would increase the possibility of a long-term partnership?

    I feel stuck Hans, please help.

    Love,

    H



  • helbells,

    your advice would help...: observe him firsthand to decide the worthiness of the cause.

    And I don't know if I should continue to give him time or if I should try to let him know subtly that I don't agree with his decision: neither nor.

    When he made the decision not to pursue a relationship, why was it? Because he has withdrawn from the company of men to live a life of seclusion and hardship.

    Was it because he thought that it would be better for me? No.

    Has he now decided that it's better for him to avoid me altogether? No.

    Should I give him time to think things over? No.

    Or should I tell him that I think we should spend time together? No.

    And lastly, which of these two options would increase the possibility of a long-term partnership? The first option.

    I feel stuck Hans, please help: deep, dangerous pitfalls on every side. Stand fast.

    H,

    Mulla Nasrudin went to a lawyer and told him the whole story. The lawyer said, 'Don't be worried, your victory is absolutely certain, a hundred per cent certain. You trust me. You leave it to me. You are going to win.'

    But Mulla Nasrudin got up and started to leave the office. The lawyer said, 'Where are you going? You have not said anything.'

    Mulla replied, There is no need I have told you the other man's story, the other side's story. Now there is no need to fight.'



  • Thanks Hans. Was the withdrawal the result of the consummation of the relationship? Is there a way I can help him get out of it? Where did these deep dangerous pitfalls suddenly come from? Was it a result of something I did or didn't do? Are the pitfalls here to stay or will the clouds clear in the (near) future?

    Thanks x



  • helbells,

    Was the withdrawal the result of the consummation of the relationship? No.

    Is there a way I can help him get out of it? No.

    Where did these deep dangerous pitfalls suddenly come from? From having taken on too much and the need to release some of the burden.

    Was it a result of something I did or didn't do? Yes.

    Are the pitfalls here to stay or will the clouds clear in the (near) future? Neither nor.

    x,

    it has disappeared because s.ex has become available.



  • Hans, what has disappeared? my main worry now is not to lose him. I can handle being friends. But not going back to the way we were (having virtually no contact). What is he thinking? What kind of relationship does he want? Do I need to be more open about how I feel or does he know?

    Thanks and blessings x



  • p.s. most importantly, what does he feel for me?

    x



  • helbells,

    what has disappeared? the insignia of power and authority.

    What is he thinking? As far as that is concerned, maybe the way to look on this is as representative of the differences among you, possibly relating thus to the psyches of both individuals and their different perceptions.

    What kind of relationship does he want? where nothing is seriously wrong, but nothing is really right either.

    Do I need to be more open about how I feel or does he know? Neither nor.

    x,

    why are you feeling that you are missing something?



  • helbells,

    what does he feel for me? having accomplished a great deal during his life and being now able to rest in the satisfaction of knowing that what he has created will provide value and joy to others even when he is gone.

    It is your desire that creates the trick. You can force yourself to believe anything whatsoever.



  • Hans,

    Why am I feeling that I'm missing something? Well, I miss him. I need more of his time. Especially since it feels that he enjoys it as much as I do. It feels like we both become alive and happier when we're together. He is very special to me. He feels familiar. Being in his company makes me feel warm inside. He understands me.

    Of course, if I stopped wanting the togetherness, it would be one less problem but I don't quite know how to do that.

    What kind of relationship does he want? where nothing is seriously wrong, but nothing is really right either. - could he want a little more in the future?

    x



  • Having said that, I can't say he has completely disappeared (although that's what I felt earlier this week). I guess this is just an instable time for us and our relationship is only taking shape. I'll trust the wonderful ways of the Universe:)

    x



  • helbells,

    why am I feeling that I'm missing something? No.

    could he want a little more in the future? no.

    x ,

    a warrior came to Zen master Hakuin, and he asked "Is there any h.ell, is there any heaven? If there is h-ell and heaven, where are the gates? Where do I enter from? How can I avoid he-ll and choose heaven?"

    He was a simple warrior. A warrior is always simple; otherwise he cannot be a warrior. A warrior knows only two things, life and death--his life is always at stake, he is always gambling; He is a simple man. He had not come to learn any doctrine. He wanted to know where the gate was so he could avoid he.ll and enter heaven. And Hakuin replied in a way only a warrior could understand.

    What did Hakuin do? He said, "Who are you?"

    And the warrior replied, "I am a samurai."

    It is a thing of much pride to be a samurai in Japan. It means being a perfect warrior, a man who will not hesitate a single moment to give his life. For him, life and death are just a game. He said, "I am a samurai, I am a leader of samurais. Even the emperor pays respect to me."

    Hakuin laughed and said, " You, a samurai? You look like a beggar."

    The samurai's pride was hurt, his ego hammered. He forgot what he had come for. He took out his sword and was just about to kill Hakuin. He forgot that he had come to this master to ask where is the gate of heaven, to ask where is the gate of h.ell.

    Hakuin laughed and said, "This is the gate of he.ll. With this sword, this anger, this ego, here opens the gate." This is what a warrior can understand. Immediately he understood: This is the gate. He put his sword back in its sheath.

    And Hakuin said, "Here opens the gate of heaven."



  • yes, good point about the ego. when i can put that aside i am much clearer about my feelings. and i don't have much pride when it comes to him. and i know i ask too many questions:) but one day i'm up and the next i'm down. and when i'm down i feel like i need support and that's when i come to you, Hans. i am starting to realize that it's not easy for him either. and the way he is with me at the moment is testament to the connection he feels between us and how much he values our relationship. regardless of what you say, i don't think i can/will ever stop hoping... for more...

    Good night Hans x