Overwhelmed, exhausted, doing all I can to hold love, truth and faith
34 years old (born 10th Nov '76) yet have been through so much. The type and scale of the things that have been impacting me (most recently internationally significant natural disasters, off the back of long term relationship break down, friends and animals dying, business dissolving, lies and cheating).
I operate with an open heart and have been told (friends and psychic readings) I’ve given too much and my power away. I’m trying to learn to put myself first but feel overwhelmed and exhausted by life and all that has happened to me. From early years and then an avalanche the last few years. Nearly broke me but I'm strong. I've carried on. I don't know how but I’ve looked for lessons in everything and for the last few years focusing on spirituality for guidance and reassurance but try and dedicate myself to light and truth (and I do this as wholeheartedly and meaningfully as I can), I am still stumbling and confronting terrible luck and hardships – constant battles and confusion and massive let downs and hurts in love, business etc after not such a great childhood and destructive teenage years (own confusion and lack of sense of worth and security etc that I have since worked on myself).
My dreams of a partner and family seam farther and farther away each day as I reflect that life appears to be passing me by. I’m continually trying to do the right thing and move forward in an enlightened way regardless, and even amidst so much pain and loss I can feel inspired by nature and to help others and the world. I still love, smile and am gracious and grateful for so much but my tank is past empty. I’m starting to question the point in it all? Is there another side to what feels like constant struggle? No matter how positively I’ve looked at it and proactively I try to approach it I’m at the point where I wonder if it’s all a joke on me.
I want to have faith and stimulate others faith in the world but am struggling with my own and after overcoming what I feel is a lot compared to many lives. Yet, I have so much more to give and that I want to give. Is it me? am I blocking the flow in some way? I feel desperate for some love and light in my life, for myself (sounds selfish I'm sure!), would really be nice. I’m starving yet intent on wanting to share my last bit of bread so to speak. I feel guilty when I think of the pain and lack some people experience and that I have relatively nothing to get down about. I just don’t feel like I ‘fit’ in the world the way it is. Something likes that. Any insight? Thoughts or feelings from you intuitives that might read this? Just a glimmer of light, to know one day life might make sense and feel ‘easy’ would be so great. I don’t know anyone else that has been through and contemplates quite the way I do/am. Maybe there’s a reason for all this? Either way, I’m feeling pretty lost and dissolutioned and not sure how much more I can take without some sort of a break
Galicat, your astrological profile indicates that you were born on the lifepath of Awareness, so it's not surprising that you are keenly aware of the things going on around you. You need to learn to become more objective and not take everything so personally or you will burn out and be ineffective. If you really want to help the world, you must observe without judging and come to realize that everything is perfect and not completely chaotic.
You were born with a powerful nature that needs to assert itself and control most situations but you will have to learn to 'let go and let God' sometimes. You cannot control everything. You are here to gain insight into how power works and to learn to use it in the most intelligent way. Your need to express your power is usually unconscious rather than calculating, and you will learn from this lifepath that the possession of conscious awareness and the insights gained from it are more powerful than all the brute force in the world. Don't get so preoccupied with power that it limits your life experience - power is only one form of energy. If you can open yourself to the world more fully without enduring your current pain and misery, and be more objective about what you see, you will experience enchantment in your daily life and gain an appreciation of all the beauty there is on this planet, instead of being brought down by what you interpret as misery and strife. If you want to change the world, you must first change yourself.
The quest for profound experience is sure to be given full expression in your lifetime, though you may be misled by clinging to the trappings, rather than delving into the workings of worldly power. Serious and dedicated, you are a survivor, capable of rising phoenix-like from the ashes of your misadventures. Blessed with keen financial gifts, you may however become too materialistic and preoccupied with a sense of your own 'worth'. You may back away from the challenges offered by this lifepath, squandering your gifts in escapist pursuits and any number of sexual peccadilloes. You run the risk of obsession in any event and must take care not to exhaust yourself in bouts of worry and depression, which in turn deprives you of opportunities to broaden your vision. Letting go of your unduly defensive and destructive attitudes will do much to unburden you, however, and impart the greater awareness promised by this karmic path. You must learn that seriousness and consciousness are not the same thing and that you can still be aware and enjoy yourself. There is a greater purpose behind your suffering. Unless you push yourself, you can get bogged down by a desire for comfort and accumulations so be sure to rouse yourself from a too comfortable situation now and then, and move onto new and exciting adventures.
Because of your addictive tendencies, what you want is not necessarily what you need. Awareness is the key to discovering what keeps you healthy, and self-discipline will stop you from running the whole gamut of dependency-producing drugs, relationships, and sex. So it may not be in your best interests to follow the traditional path of home and family. Surrounding yourself with others who are actively working toward greater consciousness and spirituality will prove invaluable. You should never entirely cut yourself off from your subconscious side but should feed it in healthier ways such as deep sleep, daydreaming, relaxation, periodic laziness, and generally just letting go. Any program of prayer or meditation can help you create the quiet time needed for looking inward and developing the capacity for focusing and being in the moment that is necessary for heightened awareness and expanded consciousness.
You seem to be the fair damsel in distress waiting to be rescued by the handsome prince. Or are you? Isn't that just a romantic fantasy of yours? You've had your turn at rejecting people so the "I'm such a nice person - why am I all alone?" bit hardly applies. You should be glad you didn't hook up with someone when you were younger because this romantic tendency could have seen you getting tied down to someone entirely unsuitable just because he resembled your fantasy Prince Charming (but underneath he was really just a toad). You may have an issue or fear (conscious or unconscious) that everyone in your life will end up walking out on you, cheating you, or dying. So you may be as driven to find your soulmate as you are to drive him away for fear he'll drain you of all your money and resources and then dump you. You could have a very happy relationship if you could stop thinking about being cheated or drained by other people for five minutes and focus on the fact that you are actually a very lucky person. You've got the benefit of freedom and good health. You're bursting with creative juices and sexual vibes. Could there be a fixation on your parent of the opposite sex that is holding you back from finding a good relationship? This love/hate, anger/abandonment attachment thing can prejudice you and twist you around emotionally so that you turn another person into that parent and then run away from them because they are like the parent you've turned them into. You want to be able to portray good, solid, apple-pie values but unless you can handle the kinds of people you are invariably attracted to - broken people who need you to 'fix' them - that's all it will be, a portrayal. Instead of worrying all the time about being ripped off or cheated by others, deal with your issues and you will finally be able to have a nice 'normal' relationship and a good life.
Thank you 'TheCaptain' - quite insightful. I do feel like I've overcome many of the traits of my born make up/tendencies for the better and I'm still working on a lot of stuff and feeling better for it. The challenges and lessons feel like they are just more and greater as a consequence though. Here’s hoping it settles down soon xx