Dear Captain-I need your help

  • Hi Captain,

    I enjoy reading your comments and feel that you are extremely helpful in guiding people through their life issues. I am standing at a crossroad and would truly appreciate some insight. My birth date is 10/3/1970 and he is 11/2/1961. I am in love with a really great guy. A year into our relationship he proposed and before I knew it we were engaged and I was pregnant. Wedding day approached and he raced to the chapel in his tux while I stayed home in bed. Yes Captain, I stood him up. Why? I don't know. What I can tell you is that four days later (The 4th of July 2004), he came to me and said that he wasn't happy and that he wanted to end our relationship. I was devastated because (1) It was unexpected (2) I was 5 months pregnant (3) I loved him. We were living together at the time and for some strange reason he felt that we would separate but continue to live in the same house while he figured things out. I of course, had a different idea and felt that it was too painful and that he should move out. The moment that I spoke those words, I had an outer body experience. I saw myself standing near a doorway saying "You guys are making a big mistake." Neither of us said anything. There was no further discussion-No one fought to save this relationship. Two days later I went into pre-term labor and was rushed to the hospital where I gave birth to our daughter, who came into the world weighing less than one pound. So, just to recap: The end of my relationship and a premature birth are now standing on my shoulders. Suddenly we were thrust into this unknown experience and struggled every day just to stay afloat. He still moved out and we supported our daughter during her 3.5 month hospital stay the best we could.

    My daughter eventually was stable enough to come home and I became her primary caregiver. He moved across state and immediately jumped into a relationship with someone who coincidentally looked a lot like me. The relationship lasted for several months and the next thing I knew he was with someone else and someone else and someone else. I didn't have the luxury of moving forward in this area of my life. Although he was supportive, I bared the biggest responsibility of the life that he left behind. Of course there was an entire process that I had to endure with respect to the relationship and everything that transpired. What I can tell you is that I completely broke down and did the work of rebuilding myself every day for 5 years. In year six, I had emerged whole once again and was faced with the task of what to do next. I contemplated getting back into the dating pool, but it was too much because something inside of me would not let me go down that road and so I focused on other things. My 40th birthday was approaching and I decided to throw caution to the wind and pursue my dream of becoming a chef. When I entered culinary school, it was as if the entire universe opened up to me. Literally I could feel the breezes of life just carrying me where ever I went and I was so grateful to be right where I knew that I was supposed to be. Every day I begin and end each day so happy and excited.

    In my periods of reflection I pray for a meaningful relationship and every time HE appears. Did I mention that he got married and didn't tell me? Anywhoo, Year six, he leaves the U.S. to return home to care for his ailing parents and we now communicate via skype. Our daughter is 6 years old and adores him. In one of our conversations I asked him about his marriage and he said that during their relationship he found himself talking about me a lot to her about our life together and certainly our struggles with our daughter. He said he never realized that he did until his wife asked him "If you had the chance would you go back to her(me) and work things out?" and he says that without hesitation I told her yes. When asked why he never came back he said I didn't think that you wanted me. This of course opened up an entirely new conversation in which we both expressed the desire to start our relationship over. He is now divorced and living in his home country. He plans to return to the U.S. in the next 4 years if things go well with his parents. I have contemplated moving there but I don't know if I should. 4 years is a long time to wait for someone. I think that I should also add that I have not dated anyone in all of these years because quite frankly, I hoped that he would come back to me. Now, standing on the brinks of exactly what I want, I have become really anxious and now live with crazy thoughts like I feel that I'm being placed in an impossible position and somehow denying myself the enjoyment of dating etc. But, when I make the decision to just let him go and move on, I become physically ill and overwhelmed with tears-It's truly baffling.

    Logic rules that I should move on and find someone who is here now and settle for happiness where I can find it. My heart has an entirely different plan and seems content to just wait forever for this man. Time is moving forward regardless, and yet I'm still standing the crossroads. Thank you in advance for your help.

  • Seriously, you stand this man up at the altar and then you are shocked because he wanted to end the relationship? He must have felt he couldn't rely on or trust you anymore. And to stand him up, you must have had some serious issues or doubts yourself about the relationship. Or maybe it was the infamous Libran indecisiveness? It sounds like what you really wanted to do with your life at that time was not to settle down but to find a career and purpose that would fulfill you (like becoming a chef).

    What must be kept in mind here is that people change as the years pass. You and your ex can only go on what you had in the past - you both might be very different people now than when you were younger. So everything between you is still old news and old feelings - it might have no relation to your present lives and selves. Maybe you want him just because he wants you? You don't mention any other men in your life - is the one you know more attractive than those you have yet to meet? Bird in the hand sort of thing....

    Looking at your astrological compatibility, I see that this relationship is fatally attracted to power. Its greatest challenge may be to put its considerable energies toward productive and favorable ends and to be critical of its own power drives - to learn how to limit them and perhaps eventually give them up. The struggle for power thus becomes the struggle to understand power, to be its master rather than its slave. The two of you must never succumb to the lure of power for power's sake, for this is the greatest danger you face together. One of the most significant tasks for this relationship is to serve human values that emphasize fairness, kindness and, above all, love for one's fellow men and women. Despite your people skills, Librawinds, you are out of your depth here - often, power doesn't really interest you, even though you can be a bit of a control freak. In this power game, your ex holds all the cards. Love and marriage will often be marred by one or both person's ruthless ambition: loving interaction is difficult here, since more tender human emotions are considered expendable in the drive towards a specific social or financial goal. It is possible to have a highly rewarding friendship however in terms of personal development, and a great deal of fun, but such a friendship will face hard decisions in moments of crisis, when the two of you are forced to choose between loyalty to the relationship and your interests as individuals. You two can be swept away by ideologies, hopes, and beliefs and must learn to ground yourselves in the here and now, not yesterday or the future. Librawinds, you may have some old issues of commitment/running away or a fear of things collapsing just when they are going well to deal with before achieving a steady relationship with anyone. Your ex also harbours a fear of being overthrown just when he is getting to the top or screwing it up himself for personal reasons. He fears being abandoned.

  • **** = screwin*g

  • Thank you very much for your insight. Clarity has entered the building. I have not had the slightest interest in any other man in all of these years which to me is insanity. I think that I hold on to him because I am afraid of having to deal again with the pain of loss. When our relationship ended I grieved the loss of myself. Every idea I had about who I thought I was completely shattered and what I was left with was the real me and I had to go from there. At this point, holding on to the idea of him is what is keeping me from dealing with the fact that it's not meant to be. He says that he loves me and that he wants to be with me, but what I truly know about him is that he is a very driven person. What he truly wants he pursues-whether its a person, a job etc. If he truly wanted me, then he would have moved mountains to make things right. He did not. He chose to move on and in fact married-which was my cue to keep moving forward.

    So, again, thank you. I'm off to do the work of truly getting over him so that I may continue on the path of this amazing life. You are appreciated.

  • P.S. I will admit here today that I have commitment issues. They derive from an introverted lifestyle and probably a fear of abandonment. Life is a process.

  • I wish you well. 🙂

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