Past life karma or growing up pains? What do I need to learn here?
I would like to ask for guidance and insight into a complicated relationship I share with a cousin sister from anyone who is kind enough to help.
I deeply think we have a karmic connection and it used to be a source of pure joy but lately I have been feeling extremely pulled down and affected by the negative undercurrents of our relationship. I seek advice and help seeing if there are any past life reasons for this or it is just a question of my tweaking of my own perception.
She is my first cousin about 8 years elder to me. (My father’s sister’s daughter). Since my father did not have a good relationship with his sister we hardly knew each other as a family until a few years back. When we did, we hit it off really well and found we were deeply connected. We loved the harmony of our relationship and the seamless-ness of communication. But soon enough blocks started arising. She has seen a tough childhood and I am aware of her deep-rooted self-image and trust issues. I have my own issues and at times a few clashes of mis-guided intentions and expectations have given rise to a few problems and hurts. However, we have always tided them and moved on. I have let go but always tended to continue feeling terribly hurt about being mis-understood and worse still, judged harshly.
My sister is an extremely judgemental person. I see that as a mere character trait and it doesn't change my love for her but I find her ideas of human relationships narrow. But that again does not upset our relationship, it is just the dimension she has chosen to live within and I am ok with that.
Unfortunately, however close our relationship is I am always struggling to ‘prove’ myself to her and gain her love and trust. Somehow this keen-ness to be accepted by her has gained a phenomenal momentum in the past few years. I cannot understand why I bend backwards to live upto ‘her’ conceptions of giving, being there and loving. Also I have a deep fear of losing her if I don’t live upto her expectations. And this attitude of mine is surprising to me because it seems to take over most other things these days and is becoming a constant source of pain. Moreover, what is troubling me even more is the more I bend the more unforgiving and un-seeing she becomes. The higher she sets her standards and at times just simply negates the fact that we are close, treating me as just another friend or acquaintance. All this has combined into a huge hurt that I am totally unable to comprehend.
Why am I playing this part of the submissive part of the relationship willing to do anything to live upto her expectations? Why she is so critical and unforgiving with me and me alone? Why won’t she accept my help or acknowledge the things I do? Why won’t she believe that I do things for love of her without a personal agenda? I do not seem to be able to comprehend any of this.
These things, although they define her overall personality also are specially directed towards me. Am I doing something to arouse it? And what disturbs me the most is my own need / desperation to be accepted and validated by her.
This make me wonder if there is a karmic cycle both of us are stuck in and if it can be unveiled and paid for…or is it just a matter of seeing something that I am missing?
Can anyone please help me with any insight here?
My dob – 2/12/1979
Her dob – 27/10/1972
No tarot or astro is going to be usefull here. Its psycology. Youa re not fated to be stuck in this pattern with her unless you dwell in the realms of superstition. She clearly has an issue with social acceptance, trust, maybe a narsiccistic attitude as well.These are all esteem issues. ironic huh,ow its effecting your esteem and you are letting this person rule your level of self worth and confidence. She is trapping you. People with these issues will cause one to be at "beck and call" gaining their approval. Relationships are reflections of our self. her weakness is feeding yours. You must claim your personal power and learn to set worthy boundaries. Yeah sometimes we have to be distant from what does not serve our divine self. You need to put your foot down and establish new bopundaries with his person. You need to distance and be supportive but do not engage in her "games". If you want to continue this relationship you will have to be the rock and the adult here. Try having a meaningfull but extremly sensitive talk with her. Ones who have the hard shell are the most tender, thats why the shell is so hard.
Hi Saggigirl. Do you know anything about the reason why your father and her mum did not have a good relationship ? Could it be that your relationship somehow echoes your parents issues ? The other thing to ask yourself - is the relationship with her reminds you in any way of the relationship you had with one or both of your parents ? Were they judgemental towards you, so now you are substituting one judgemental figure by the other, and through her are trying to prove your worth to yourself ? As a child were you desperate for closeness with one or both of your parents and were you constantly looking for their approval ? And another thing, do you feel any kind of guilt towards her for any family history reason? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, you should work on yourself before you work on this relationship. You should address your neediness of her and work on developing self suffeciency. By the way, is it possible that she senses your neediness and feels suffocated, therefore she tries to keep some distance between you ?
Thanks rapunzle44 (i love your handle!) and VoplySoply for your insights. I shall reply to both of you individually -
rapunzle44 - Superstition is not something I battle and the way you have put the problem into perspective I see the psychological aspects of it clearly now. Yes, my sister does have self-image issues and my heart goes out to her to see how much she battles because of this. I am amazed as to why I am letting her low self-esteem affect mine and yes it does seem like I am playing some 'game' with her. Your insight makes me aware and 'pull up my socks' so to speak. What you say about claiming my personal boundaries is exactly what I need to do. She is extremely sensitive and tender, extremely scared of being hurt and judged and I don't know if there is a scope for a sensitive or objective discussion with her simply because I do not want to hurt her. However, once I re-draw my own boundaries I will know what needs to be done. Thank you so much for putting things into perspective.
VoplySoply - Maybe a re-ordering of closeness is called for. Yes, I figured a while back that my neediness was pushing her back and we had resolved that amongst us since she admitted to having a fear of intimacy and I learnt to back off tenderly. But last week her mother was diagnosed to be on the last stage of cancer and both of us have been pretty much off-balanced due to circumstances and lots of these latent issues have surfaced. My father and her mother have never been close, both being temperamental, sensitive and come from a broken family. My father used to have a huge temper problem in his youth and my aunt is a very independent minded lady. After one such flying off the handle fight they refused to speak to each other and a lack of real relationship just ensured they drifted apart completely and stayed that way. Yes, I harbour a lot of guilt for the way my father treated her and I am surprised to know I have been trying to compensate for him. Your question made me aware of it and I thank you for it. I do not see a reason to continue doing so and shall check this attitude of mine. Maybe this is what is translating as 'false' to her and adding fuel to fire. As to if there are strains of our parents relationship in ours, no, I do not see any resemblance. But it does echo my need for my parents approval. I had recognised that I had off-loaded all my unmet expectations of my blood sister to her a while back. That was not fair on my part and since then I have stopped doing it. But now I see the acceptance and approval I never got from my father I am bending backwards to get from her and not only her I do that with everyone. How do I stop doing that?
I tend to do seek acceptance and approval from relatives myself, in particular from my sister, around whom often I feel guilty for some historical family reasons. I know how difficult it is to control this tendency. Maybe you can start by doing something nice to yourself every day and try to get used to feel ok about it ? Some small things for a start... You don't have to "confess" it to her, or to anyone either. Just say it to yourself that you deserve it and keep doing it until you get used to the feeling of entitlement and your own separate identity.
Yes, positive affirmations do help me. I will keep in mind your suggestions Voply Soply. Thank you.