How to get an Angry Virgo man to forgive
Have been friends with Virgo man for almost 17 years. A while back we got into a relationship and lately there have been a few issues...wondering how each other feels, transitioning from just friends to lovers, etc. We are both a bit shy and nervous around each other. He has wanted me for a long time and has recently told me so. He said he wants to be the love of my life and be with me forever. He says he is also the happiest he's been and feels he was given a second chance with me. We didn't date earlier as he felt I deserved better than him. He now feels like he is living a fairy tale. He hasn't felt loved by a woman for many years. Well on Monday I was joking with him and told him I didn't want to be just another notch on his belt...obviously he didn't think that to be a joke & called me up the next day stating that was an f'd up thing for me to say to him. I apologized and we made up. I was with him Tuesday nite and things were fine and he called me the next night but I was too sick to talk. Finally texted him today telling him I was sick & he responded,"sorry to hear that...may I come over and take care of you". I told him thanks but no I had errand to run. We talked on the phone for awhile and then I had to run an errand by his house. I called and texted him to see if he wanted me to pick up some Frontline for his cat and he didn't answer. I drove by his house and saw him walking to some girls car with some mechanic jumper cables or the sort. I drove by,and gave him the finger and said FU. I then left a horribly mean vm stating he was just like other men. I later went by to ask what was up with the girls and he said it was a girl that I also knew and she just wanted to borrow a gas can. I tried to talk to him and he told me to get out of there and " I blew it", gete the "F" out of here and not come back. He tried to ride away on his bike and I wanted to talk but all he said was that I should have come over when he didn't answer the phone. He also said that I wanted friends with benefits and he didn't. I told him that is not what I wanted. He said he had wanted a real relationship. I told him that I had loved him but I was just too afraid to tell him as our relationship was complicated due to our long friendship. I have never seen him so angry at me in all these years and he isn't even answering the phone (he's never done that to me before) or texts.He always told me that we would always be friends even if our relationship didn't work. The other day he told me that the more time he spends with me the more his feelings grow. Of everyone he has known in his life he told me I am 1 of 4 people he totally respects. This morning I left a card I had written in his mailbox and totally apologized and stated what went on with my medical issue. Turns out I am really, really sick (I am currently on my woman issue and the Dr wants to do hysterectomy. I had cancer about 10 years ago and now have thyroid problems and my hormones have never been the same. I had taken some Vicodin for pain and I guess the combination caused me to wig out (have never, ever done that before). Anyways, will he take the time to read the card or just blow it off? Do Virgo men go through the extreme anger process than feel the hurt than analyze everything..you know pros and cons? A few days before he had also said he wanted to be the best for me and not mess anything up.
Ooohh yikes. Okay, so, telling him how you really feel is good, but I think you need to walk a fine line of letting him know whats going on with you hormonally, telling him how much he means to you, and also giving him space to come to his own conclusions. Don't smother him too much, but it seems he really does care about you and he just needs to be reassured you:
A) Care about him as much as he cares about you and
B) That you aren't totally crazy, LOL!!!
So, the way to accomplish "A" is to do exactly what you've done: write him a letter explaining the situation, and by leaving him a message telling him how you feel and how you really want to make things work.
The way you accomplish "B" is giving him the space to digest what you say, and also by him hopefully believing you on your medical issues.
So, you have to find a fine, fine balance of being persistent so he knows you're real, but also giving him enough space to comfortably think about the situation.
Hope that helped!
P.S. Also, don't do that again, LOL. Men need to feel like they're trusted.
Do you think he, the Virgo will take the time to read the card or will he just put it aside or throw it away..he is SO ANGRY. When I gave him the card I also enclosed a copy of my pharmacy receipt for the meds the Dr gave me. I can't leave him a VM as as soon as he hears me he will probably delete it. I am thinking of having my best friend call him to explain my medical condition to him and also that I have never done that before.. How much time and space should I give him before I try to go over there to see if he will even talk to me?
I know he has dated some real doozies and I don't want to be put in that category. We have know each other so long and I know he is probably really devastated he gave his heart to me and now he probably thinks I am a mental case.
In his heart and mind is he already DONE WITH ME?
No, there is still a chance. you don't just let go of 17 years just like that. (unless there is someone else. Even then, there could still be a chance.
I am a virgo woman, we hold on like glue. However, men are different. I had a virgo man once and he was overly sensitive, and afraid to reveal his true feelings, yours seems quite to express his feelings which is a good thing.
DO NOT play games with him, be open and honest and go to him. (ordinarily, he should come to you, but appease him this time, considering your wrong)
However, your anger was appropriate, I would be furious if he didn't answer his phone and then I saw him helping another female...anyone would be upset, just control your anger first, instead ask questions gently then, pounce if necessary.
If he truly loves you he will be forgiving and tell him this. If not then his words were meaningless and he lied to you. Virgo's appreciate someone to lead them to open up, because often they are so afraid of being rejected they can put up a veneer and appear cold and aloof, when they are waiting fro someone to open them up, open up conversation (it teaches them to be open and vulnerable themselves) and they will most times respond positively.
Go to him, express yourself, and tell him if he truly loves you as he said, he will be able to forgive and move past it, and you are willing to forgive him for making you feel badly too.
And the next time he wants to come over and take care of you, LET him, forget about your errand for that moment, allow the man to be the man....all of us women must learn this --practice makes perfect.
what sign are you???? I believe he will read your card he has feelings, they don't go away over night unless someone else is in the picture or unless he is a numbed alcoholic or druggy, and if that's the case, it'll just be drama with him.
I am Aries...I know, I know..we need to keep the emotions and drama down. To be quite honest...I am experiencing a severe hormonal imbalance and am going to have a hysterectomy soon. He has never seen me like that before, ever...He was sooooo mad as I have never seen him and it scared me. He has NEVER told me to get the f out and not come back. I do know that he loves me deeply, however how long will he stay mad? I know for sure no one else is in the picture and this is all due to my actions. Earlier that day I told him I was really sick and he sent me a text asking if he could come over and take care of me His BD is 8/26/65 and I believe he was born somewhere around 2:21 AM.
I think he is tooo angry to want to even look at the card and hear what I have to say. SInce the fight happened late Friday afternoon though, maybe since a few days have passed he might have softened a bit?
You can do either of 2 things. Wait for him to come to you or since you were in the wrong, my suggestion would be for you to Go to him. Be as gentle as possible, and loving. Tell him how much you care about him and love him. And hug him and see how he responds.
And think before you act. don;t make excuses for your actions. you were angry and most people would have been seeing him helping another female after not answering your calls.
Also, let him help you next time. He wanted to show you love and affection and you denied him that and then fought with him later. Realize this before you speak to him again.
This is how I see it and what I would do.
Thanks...I want to see him. Do you think going over there Wed would be too soon? I want to give him time to cool off. He will receive my card today and I think he should have read it by Wednesday and had time to think. My guess is that he might be curious as what it says...wondering if maybe I am telling him goodbye or if I am apologizing. My only fear is that he is soooo upset and have written me off and doesn't even care to look at the card...
Thoughts on this????? Thanks to everyone so much for your insight!
For me, when apologizing, I try to consider the other person, but if you spend all your time thinking of it is a right time for them, then you are denying your feelings. Speak from your heart.
When did this argument take place? I personally cannot hold out and would want to see him ASAP. As far as I am concerned I want to clear things up soon. However, I have learned that emotions have to calm down for sure, but don't wait too long. the silent treatment is mean spiteful and it does not fix any problems in relationships it just creates distrust and resentment so if he is doing that, then he needs to be called on it.
And still, he needs to see from your perspective, that you called and he didn't answer, (and as I see it, from what you wrote on your thread) you were so touched that he wanted to come over and care for you when you were sick and that is why you went to him, and after not answering your calls, you find him with some other female, helping her, it was confusing and upsetting and you didn't know what to think. (again, this is my opinion--you must speak from your heart with your own words)
But I must say for the third time and you made no comment back to me....You MUST allow a man to help you when he asks, You MUST allow him to be the man and not deny his love and help when he offers it.....Especially if you want him and love him (this is a lesson I had to learn in a very painful way).
Again, this is only my opinion, but if you speak from your heart and mean well, that is the most important thing when conveying to someone how much you love them and while giving them an apology, if he doesn't respond in a good way then you know his love is a lie. Because love is unconditional and forgiving and allows room for mistakes.
The truth about TRUE LOVE:
Love lasts, it endures anything, and it doesn't go away from one or two mistakes or an argument, unless the person is lying about their love.
And remember this:
You don't tell someone you love them and take it back soon after....because if you do, then your words are meaningless and you are a fraud!
So he called when I was driving to Lake Havasu CIty, AZ and I couldn't talk so I had my son call him right back and tell him I was driving and would call him later in the evening and he said that was ok and he would talk to me then. I texted and asked if I could call around 11 as I hadn't seen my cousin in over a year and ...he texted back that was ok. I called him and he was busy outside doing something wanted to get it done quickly so as not to wake the neighbors so I asked if he wanted me to call back and he said in 30 minutes. I did and he did not answer. What is up with that? Called again and left a VM stating to call me back if he still wanted to talk...no call back. Obviously, he read my card and that is why he called..but why no return call? I am also afraid that maybe he is still angry and is going to tell me that even though the card and words were heartfelt, he doesn't think we have a future as I hurt him too much. I REALLY poured my heart out as how I felt about him, appreciated him and was apologetic.
Do you think when he heard my voice either he felt he wasn't ready to talk to me or maybe he is already seeing someone else?
It was only last Monday that he told me how he wanted to see me all the time when my son was gone for three weeks, he wanted to eventually be the love of each other's lives, how he wanted to be his best for me He was very attentive, making sure he went downstairs and put his cologne on to smell nice, brushed his teeth...you know...little things like that. Up until the Friday argument, I had no doubt of his feelings or intentions...now I do. He did say last week that I kept trying to put a halt on our relationship...meaning that I would tell him every so often that I just wanted FWB...I just said that because I was scared of the feelings I had for him. As a matter of fact, when we had the argument he brought up that he didn't want FWB, but a REAL relationship...I also want the same. As far as letting him help me when he offers...I want to do that and let him be the man he wants to be.
Talked to him and it was a disaster. He told me I need to have my head checked out and that I have jealousy issues....that is not true I am perimenapause and my hormones are off balanced. He said he doesn't buy that hormone imbalance causes weird behavior. He told me I should have told him about these issues..I told him that I didn't want to burden him since his mom just died. He said he could have handled it (he can't handle anything as it is). He then said I ruined it between us and hung up...17 years of friendship and he treats me like this? Up until this he treated me like a queen! I went by his house and he opened the door, saw me and slammed it and locked it....can't believe he did that! He had told me he had been in love with me for almost 17 years..is this how they treat those they love??? By not even listening to what they have to say?
So last night I brought over a few things he had given me and put them on his porch. I later received a nasty text followed by horrible phone calls. He told me that I burned the bridge, leave him alone and he hated me more than anything. He also threw in there that he did believe me about the hormonal issue (even though on the prior call he said he didn't) He called back again and called me some unprintable names and told me I was dead to him, etc.I told him I thought it would be better to return some stuff he gave me after he literally slammed the door in my face. I have NEVER seen him behave this way..well once he had anger right before his mom died. They got into it and she said some terrible things to him (people dying do strange things right before they die)..he was SOOO angry and I recall him yelling as he told me about it. Well...I am going to leave him alone. I was the closest person in his life since his mom died 3 months ago. I have been there for him as he is dealing with the aftermath of bills, financial issues, etc from her estate. He has been really stressed out with all of this so I think that might be contributing to lashing on me. I had previously told him I should distance myself as to not be a distraction, but he wouldn't hear of it.
I am not going to contact him again. Do any of you feel that once he totally cools down will he analyze how he overeacted and try to make amends? Will he see he was in the wrong by slamming the door in my face for no reason then calling me up and name calling?
He sounds like he is going over the top with his reaction. (Is he an alcoholic?) (And my suggestion, which I think you learned from this experience, is not to go over the top with him, swearing at him, without giving him the chance to explain himself and the situation, doesn't matter what drug you were on, there is no excuse for your reaction, and now....there is no excuse for his excessive response). You don't throw someone away over an argument, unless it was so egregiously outrageous and/or violent, and even then some people are forgiven.
Personally, I would ask him why he would end it between the 2 of you, if he loves you, everyone makes mistakes, and you are truly sorry for lashing out and hurting him and you want to move past it and have another chance, (and maybe throw in there, how would he feel if he came to your house and you were helping a guy? Remain calm and say I don't want to fight, or name call, it is not productive nor does it solve anything). Also, for your own understanding of healthy, realistic view on this, if he throws you away at the first time he doesn't like what you do, what can you expect of his reactions from future arguments, ask yourself this honestly?
Now.....If I want him that badly: I would tell him "I love you and I am so sorry and I don't need my head examined, I love you and what I saw that day and my reaction took me by surprise, and I am asking you to forgive me."
If he cannot forgive you then you have to leave it at that.
Something like this happened to me before: I was a total wreck because I couldn't understand why he acted so over the top for something I said because I was angry with him, which started a fight, and instead of working through it, he never wanted to speak with me again, I saw him walking with another girl. And I figured his over the top response was to keep me away because he had someone else. Though he never told me, I believe that he had another girl in his sights, the one I saw him walking with shortly after he ended it with me. It is obvious they were hanging out.
He did not admit it at the time, but I see him coming out of her house often, nearly a year later. And he totally ignores me. August will be a year and it still hurts and I am still sad over it. (One of my lessons learned is to never give a guy a reason to fight --esp if they are liars, they will turn it all around into your fault, when they had another agenda all along)
I made every attempt to reach out to him and apologize (reached out to him up until this past January, I have stopped and I just ignore him now too). He wouldn't answer my calls and he wouldn't even see me to get closure, it was his way, he was in control and he ended it immediately and that was it!
Don't know if this helps. My advice is to follow your heart and speak up for yourself, without excuses, if he won't come around he wasn't true to you, and he lied to you about loving you. (After you apologize from your heart, it is up to the guy to come to you. It doesn't work if you chase him, I know from experience! Besides, you want to know he wants you and if a guy wants you, he will move mountains to get to you and he will forgive you!)
One question, why did you return the things he gave you and put them on his porch, that seems spiteful. By doing that it may have seemed to him that you were finalizing everything. Why did you do that? (In my opinion, there was no reason for it other than to hurt him and wanting him to feel rejected by you, which is done out of anger on your part). But instead of him feeling badly for what he has done to you, it seems he gets angry, so not to feel the feelings of guilt. Replacing guilt fro his actions with anger.
You wrote "I would tell him every so often that I just wanted FWB...I just said that because I was scared of the feelings I had for him. As a matter of fact, when we had the argument he brought up that he didn't want FWB, but a REAL relationship...I also want the same." did you TELL him that you WANT a REAL relationship too? He is not going to know your feelings by osmosis! It appears to me that You are playing head games out of fear of being rejection and fear of your own feelings of love not being reciprocated, and I don't think you are aware of your actions because you are so used to operating like this.
You said "As far as letting him help me when he offers...I want to do that and let him be the man he wants to be." But, you didn't do that, you gave an excuse that you were sick and had errands (I have never done errands when I was sick), then you went to him unannounced, were you feeling regretful that you didn't have him come to you when he offered? You need to dig down deep and be honest with yourself. You need to get in touch with your feelings and express them at the time. I know about denying feelings, because I have had the same blocks.
Last Friday his friend tried to talk to him and asked what he was doing..reminded him I was the one he's wanted all these years. He told him that he was done and thinking of moving on. I wrote him a letter explaining things which he wouldn't let me tell him, told him I wouldn't contact him again and wished him well in everything he does....As time goes on do you think he will analyze what I said to him and will he maybe contact me? Does our 17 year friendship have any weight on if he does contact me again?
I am not going to call or text him at all...do you think he will think...wow we really aren't going to talk ever again or do you think he will re-read my letter and truly analyze that I said in it. None of the relationships he's been in has worked out. He has lived in my city for 14 years and I think the longest outside of ours was 1 month...If he gets into another one and it fails will he give us another shot?