Is he playing me?



  • I have been seeing a man for almost a year, during this time he has maintained friend only status with a friend of his. she is very needy and he spent Christmas with her, and sneaked out to MD for her addicted adult son's graduation from rehab. I found out only be seeing the invitation in an open area on his counter, I gave him chanced to tell me where, and what, but he still hasn't this has been several months now. He says all the right things and buys me gifts and introduces me as his girlfriend when we go out, but I feel he is deceiving me about this other woman. She called him Friday night, and the phone was on speaker, her greeting was, Hi Hon, he almost dropped the phone picking it up and the went so very quickly into the other room to chat with her, while I was left sitting where I was. He is a Shrink and keeps telling me that I am unreasonable and it is my fears from past cheaters that is making me jealous. I am and have been thinking he is red flag central, and has been for awhile. But he keeps on telling me it is nothing, I think it is something, I think he has been playing me all along. I did leave Friday night, and I have not heard from him since. What do you think, I need help to understand what he is doing and if I am just being suspicious because of the cheaters in my past.



  • Regardless what the truth is about this other woman, your gut is telling you something is not right, listen to it. This man is obviously deceiving you, if not about one thing then another. Some men just operate this way, (I've known a few in my dating days). I say leave this guy and find someone worthy of you.



  • I agree with Myviewpoint. His reaction sounds like my ex hubby's when I once picked up the phone by mistake & he was on the extension chatting to a "friend"....turns out it was having an affair and had been seeing her for at least 6 months...they had been emailing each other for a few years beforehand! I think you have every right to be suspicious & annoyed! Even if he is innocent, you feel uncomfortable with the situation and it won't get better.I think it may be time to move on....



  • Hi, I was stalked once by a shrink (psychologist) at work. He would be waiting for me in the parking lot in the am and hang out at my job for hours, everyday. Pray about it. Ask for wisdom. Your situation seems to be hitting a little to close to home (and away). I hate to say this but some guys seem to be quite motivated by sex and the opportunity to have it. Have you met this woman. What was your impression besides needy.



  • P.S. You know, sometimes it's ok to just say, this is just not me.



  • Hi all thank you for all your advice. I did meet this woman when we ran into her at a hardware store, she did not seem to be the oh so needy person he described her as, specifically he said her face was destroyed by removal of skin cancer, she did not look very scarred to me, further when she saw me daggers flew from her eyes and her countenance was not very nice toward me, also upon her departure from us he kissed her on the cheek, signals went up in me but I thought I was over reacting and since our relationship was still new I did not really know him or the nature of their relationship. I believed he was being honest with me and let it go. I see now this was my first red flag.



  • Do you know what? I think perhaps she really IS a "friend" according to his point of view .....BUT I think that it is blatantly obvious, based on her reaction when you met her, that she had hoped that their friendship would turn into love...which clearly it hasn't, otherwise he wouldn't be dating you ! Your boyfriend probably denies the fact....

    I think your boyfriend will always have trouble with her unless he starts to wean her away from him, no problem being friends but not being at her beck and call and he has to learn to say "No" and being more respectful towards your feelings instead of ridiculing them. So what if your fears are ungrounded...



  • Thank you, I think he should respect my wishes and he is aware that she is in love with him and he continues to be at her beck and call. I feel like the other woman.



  • Hi there, I had the same as you and The guy I was with done the same, brought me gifts took me on holidays, called me princess all that you could want in a man, but after a while he started to make things up as to why he couldn't see me and so on, near the end I found out I was pregnant and then more lies came and in the end I left him, I also found out he was cheating on me with his PA the whole time. Nearly four years down the track I've not heard from him and I have a beautiful daughter that he has not even bothered to meet. So I say leave him cause it'll carry on. Good luck. Also your gut will be right!



  • She doesn't really have to say goodbye just realize her actions seem very inappropriate. I have a close friend who recently started dating a woman. She told him that she is uncomfortable w/ me so I told him, in her presence, that it wasn't a good idea for him to come by. I don't think this will help their relationship because the problem is not me. He handled himself badly when explaining her to me, so much so, that I don't consider him a friend anymore. He told me that he mainly wanted her for one thing. Talked to my therapist about this and he said that a friendship can only happen between a single man and woman when sex isn't in the picture. Reading over your story, it seems that at one time they could have been intimate. Also, was she a patient of his and is this why he wants it kept secret...



  • Hi everyone, thank you so much for your support. I have not heard from him except a few emails that I have not read, because, since I left the day I posted, he has not called or even attempted to see my side of the issue I have with this "friend". She was casually being "treated" by him, which I pointed out made their relationship inappropriate, especially since she is in love with him. Anyway, I left his house two weeks ago tomorrow after the secret "Hon" phone call from this woman. He did contact me, via email, regarding a bag he left at my home, I emailed him that I would drop it off, he was adamant about coming to me. I did not reply, however, I did get up the next morning and drive to his house to leave the bag on his door step at 6:30 in the am, guess what, her car was there that morning, I took a picture in cast I did not believe my lying eyes. I phoned him from his driveway to let him see the time I was there, and I told him I was glad to see he had moved on. I received an email which I scanned over, the jist of it was he has "friends" stay over when he deems it necessary, and then on about how much he has done for me and how I will never meet another man like him that treats me as well as he did. I did not respond or read the whole email, I did scan a part that says it is my past and my fears that are making me not trust him, and that I have real issues. Now I have received another email, about how he always wanted a son to do the things he couldn't do with a daughter, but that my son did not like him, uhh???? what? In my past this has soooo happened to me so many times, in fact every relationship I have had as an adult has involved the man cheating on me over the course of the entire relationship, and I did not listen to my gut, and I believed it was me, now I am trying to change the cycle of men cheating on me, I am telling myself to go with my gut that he is manipulating me and having all he wants while I get nothing, but what if I am wrong?



  • Do you really think you're wrong?? ....I think you've done the right thing in leaving him....your gut was right because look whose car was parked outside his house at 6.30am!! Look how weak willed he is!! His emails sound as though he is trying to shift the blame on to you...ignore him & the emails. He is pathetic.



  • I agree with rmrchick. Your gut as right. If someone has been cheated on even once, it can be harder to trust again but really for him to make this your issue? Puleaseee! You had every right to feel uncomfortable with this and he had his opportunity to correct it, instead he shifted the blame onto you and your son. He’s hurting you by playing at your vulnerabilities.



  • This is sending major alarm bells off in my head. Especially when he shifted the blame onto your son. Nuh uh. Not good. I think the car in the driveway should cement your case. It sounds like he's trying to justify the fact that he's cheating, with how well he treats you and oh, its not easy for him, your son doesn't like him! Boo freakin' Hoo. Weak willed is a perfect way to describe him.

    Don't go back to him. I smell a rat.



  • Yes he is a player!



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  • Hi, He is trying to keep a hold on you (probably just like the other woman.) Since there are feelings involved it would really be to your benefit not to look back. He clearly is the one confused here. Just because he is a counselor doesn't make him right. You really have to go thru some duds before the right one comes along. But you get a little smarter from the experience. You learn there are certain behaviours and patterns. I think he'll probably contact you in the weeks to follow. Be strong and don't fall into the snare. You'll find true peace this way.



  • P.S. Your son has nothing to do with this man's feelings. For your son's sake stay away from this guy.



  • I totally agree with Dalia! Kids first and always....they will be there and as for player boy...well I`d be sending him to the monkey bars!



  • Hi everyone,

    Dalia, as you predicted, he is emailing me and finally has called after three weeks. I did not take his call but I read his email and for a short, very short period of time I considered reconciling with him and entertained his offer for a motorcycle ride and a weekend away, uh but only when he returns to town from NY, oh and he is not available to see me till then because he is having dinner Saturday with a good friend and his wife. He once said to me that I would always be his first choice in matters like dinners, so I can probably assume he is taking his "Dear, Dear Friend" as second choice, alarms go off, and what about the rest of the week? Hmm he is retired and free to move around all he wants, but he is not at my house on any regular basis.

    I did respond to his email, nicely, then I thought about what I want in a relationship and what he wants in a relationship, and how I had been willing to have a relationship on his level, but no more. It has been a year and many people I know/knew have passed on to heaven or are on their last days of life right now. I emailed him that I would not continue in this relationship and our wants and needs are not the same, that I will have what I want for a relationship, specifically trust and honor for the other persons feelings and giving the same respect that you receive, or I will be single period, so I told him goodbye

    Now he has sent me a response that is so long it is a google document, yeah really, I scanned over it and as is predictable he brings up my son and how I am the one with fear issues, huh, no, and Lord knows what else, I did not read it. Now he is emailing me with comments about our Governor Sanford, and how he is the one that I should be suspicious of, uh, I reminded him his affair was with a "Dear Dear Friend". Now he is saying that my wildest imagination is making me think such things about him, so I called him "Hon", like his "Dear Dear Friend" does, he did not respond. I am trying to be strong and not respond further, now he is sending me the Colbert comedy show regarding the Governor.

    Does anyone know how to block email in gmail, I can block chat, but I don't know how to do the email. I am a nice girl and very forgiving, gullible at times, and I do not want to fall prey to this man any longer, but I am weak and if there is an email there I have to read it. If I don't get the email then I don't care.

    Thank you all for your comments, they have really helped me to stay strong, and focus on a new business, I am a Wedding Officiant in Myrtle Beach, and I have started to pursue the possibilities on a full time level, I love seeing people in happy relationships, it gives me hope for the future of my relationships.

    Again thank you all for your support and friendly comments, I did not believe that there was something wrong with my thinking, and I am so lucky that you have all confirmed that I am justified in having the feelings that I have and you have given me the strength to focus on other areas of my life, perhaps now love will come along when I am not looking for it.

    Thanks again, Charline


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