I love my wife and she loves me but...
Ok me and my wife have been married for 2 1/2 years and been together for 9. Things of course were well but of course life kicks in full throttle. We've had several issues in the past with guys she talks to on the phone. It took me to damn near leave for her to stop. Mind you that this has been goin on a while. It happened in spurts but it just wouldnt go away. Now I believe it didnt get any further than the phone but i feel it was too close to home in some situations. I guess where im getting at is my heart and my mind are saying two different things as far as this marriage and has my wife ever cheated. Im a HUGE believer in being faithful and I havent cheated on this woman the whole 9 years we have been together. I guess im just starting to feel that she doesnt want the marriage anymore. Im trying my hardest to be an understanding person for my wife but its getting to a point that hell I dont know if I want it now!! Im 27 and a Sag and shes 24 and a Cap. Once again any comments are appreciated and love goes out to all who reads it. Blessings!!!
MuseMeg last edited by
It's not really a "psychic" answer, but I don't think you can get one of those that will clear this up. Why don't you suggest to your wife that you see a counselor? Even if nothing is happening on her end until you have a chance to clear it up your doubts and resentments will erode the marriage.
I work as a life coach and do a lot of studying as people and I can tell you that there's never a marriage in trouble where both parties haven't played a part in the issue. Someone may be doing something unforgivable, or worse than the other, but both people have a responsibility for changing it. I personally think pretty much any marriage can be saved if the issues are caught in time.
If you love her and she loves you go to a counselor you feel comfortable with and get this all out in the open.
rnrchick last edited by
I agree with Megan. Even if you don't go to a counsellor, you both need to sit down and talk. I think you have been pretty patient and forgiving. I wonder how she would react if you were flirting as openly with other ladies. However, you are both very young and maybe she is feeling a little resentful of her "single" friends. The grass isn't greener on the other side ...her "single" friends may wish that they were settled down & are envious of her. Perhaps your relationship needs a bit of a lift .... plan some fun dates or maybe a romantic break or even plan a "naughty" night for you two to just indulge in each other. Sometimes life can grind a relationship down.... and unwinding and doing something spontaneous like you did when you first dated will make a lot of difference. Best wishes
lostmuse last edited by
I am an armchair Lacan psychoanalysis fan and I can see the basics of the split-subject neurosis present in your depiction of this situation. You wife is a hysteric and you are obsessional.
The Lacanian hysteric often places pressure on a relationship because she has an inherent need to be the object of desire. This drive to be appealing to the Other also has a side effect, she knows that she must be the unattainable object of desire or else her personality will be consumed by her lover. So therefore, she causes friction in order to seem unattainable. This causes a painful joy for her, Lacan dubbed it jouissance.
So when she is calling other men, she is enforcing a mental need to be seen as an object of desire. She probably has a deep down desire to be desired by these males. A person typically fixates upon partial drives, and for her, she may be attracted most to a mans voice (hence the phone). Partial drives can create a fantasy for either sex, but this fantasy need not come to fruition. But, rest assured, the hysteric must be unattainable. She is therefore unattainable to these men while also being the same to you. She is demonstrating a form of mental independance. It may seem that she is pushing you away, this is natural for the hysteric. Sometimes the hysteric allows for this to some to conclusion, sometimes not.
You are the obsessional. An obsessional is usually the male in a relationship. The obsessive seeks to annul the Other's desire. He does this as a result of feeling guilty, which creates jouissance for him. The obsessive is trying to cope with the lack of seperation that stems from the recognition of himself in early childhood when he realizes that he and his mother are seperate entities. This sense of seperation is called lack. The obsessional approaches every problem by evaluating, asking questions, and attempting to gather the knowledge necessary to control a situation. Hence, just like you have done by posting this query. When the Hysteric attempts to fulfill this lack for the obsessional, she has become the Lacanian phallus. The obsessional will then try to push the hysteric away through control, just as you wrote that you threatened to leave,
What you are experiencing is very typical. These roles are inescapable, and everybody experiences them. These roles are the basis for the human condition and the illusion that we call Love. To be successful in a union, both parties need to recognize these faults. They are pre-wired and cause reckless reactions. To successfully "love," one need to recognize that they are a creature born of lack, and nothing will ever fill this lack, ESPECIALLY not someone else.
And if this message does nothing for you, I agree with the others that counseling is the best option.
Dalia last edited by
Hi, Ya'll have been together for 9 years! Wow! Your wife was very young when you met. She may need attention. I don't know what her family was like but have a feeling some of this stems from that. Counseling is a very good idea. I have read your posts before and I pictured a much older person. Also, pictured a woman. I see you as a nurturing person. Something a lot of women are searching for. You probably provide the support she needs. Again, I keep going back to her family. What is going on there. Don't be combative w/your wife. I have a feeling that you'll do the right thing to help this relationship. Good luck to you. God Bless.
samepaige last edited by
hi I suggest that you go with your gut feeling and your heart will lead you the right way. Your wife is the person you need to talk to and if you dont feel like you can then maybe the both of you werent ready for the lifetime commetment of marriage. Marriage is not easy it takes two people to work at it 24/7 no matter what. there shouldn't be any reason your wife needs to talk to anyone else but you meaning male phone friends. With texting and easy way to communicate these days they will have every excuse in the book. listen to your heart its the only truth.
recently divorced w/ 2 young children
together 11 1/2 yrs, married 8 1/2 yrs, cheated on 3years,
No one deserves to feel the pain of a lost marriage and betrayal from your bestest friend ever. what you thought.
soupbean last edited by
IF U LOVE HER AND SHE LOVES YOU THEN MAYBE YOU TWO SHOULD EXPERMINT TOGETHER TO SEE HOW U ALL LIKE IT. IT MIGHT HELP THE BOTH OF U.
Thanks to everyone that posted. Your words were very helpful to me!! All of you are in my prayers!!!! blessings
ImprisonedSpirit last edited by
Hello, You sound just like my husband and I, which we have been married since March 30,07 and have been together prior to that for about 7 years. I am currently going thru the same situation with my husband, he is a capricorn and I a aquarius. I is very hard for both of us to openly discuss our feeling's. I't sounds like she's is doing this for attention, you might want to talk with her about the two of you going to a counseling! Good luck and god bless
KBzee last edited by
I find your Capricorn wife's behaviour odd -- there must be something else in her charts. Perhaps she has Taurus in there somewhere? Certainly there appears to be a need to 'fire' you up in some way, ie. by getting you jealous, and there's no-one more impassioned than a Fire sign such as yourself.
Maybe you should get a full reading comparing your charts.
I agree with what everyone else has said here.
TheHangedWoman last edited by
I dont think your wife has cheated. She might be talking to these men because she likes the contact she has with them.
Perhaps she just feels bored with the safety that you have together and wonder how it would be to be with another man? She should respect your marriage. Perhaps she is having some sort of crisis? Like: Is this all that is? (As in: Is the grass greener on the other side?)
These are just thoughts that I think has nothing to do with you. Perhaps she is thinking about her sexuality and her life in that context. You should in such case confront her with your feelings about this and the feelings that you have for her. Tell her how this makes you feel. When you talk, talk in a calm and direct way. Lower your voice, but be firm in how you express yourself. Perhaps she misses to feel desired by other men because what the two of you is so familiar. Perhaps you could start entertaining her by telling her how much you care about her and such. Perhaps she does not only need to hear that you respect her (because she allready knows that), but that you desire her aswell. It could be a kind of life crisis she is having. If you take this what she is doing seriously and not flip out, she could relax again and her crisis disappears.
I think the wrong way to handle this is to threaten her for divorse because you are angry or in dispair with what she is doing.
Be firm in your eyes, in your voice, in your face. Be relaxed. Then you talk calmly and in a "masculine" and direct way. My example: Honey, I love you and I respect you. I am so happy that we are together. And I think that we can have a good and long life together. I picture us getting old together. I picture us having children together and grand-children when that time comes, and I have never been unfaithful even when I have had the chance. (This could make her a bit jelous wich is a bit good) (Confess your love to her). (Here you can also ask her if she feels the same). But...when you have long intimate conversations with other men, even if it is just on the phone, it makes me feel as if you dont want to be with me anymore. Is this how you want to make me feel? Do you want me to think that you are interested in being with another man? Dont you love me anymore?
She will probably then say that she loves you and that there is nothing in these contact with these men. Then you can say: But it is making me feel as if you are unfaithful to me.
This kind of direct and calm way of talking can take away a lot of conflicts in your relationship. She probably is just bored or having a crisis. And this has nothing to do with wanting to have another man, but about her own self asteem.
I advice you not to attack her with accusations. Just be firm and masculine in your way of talking to her. I mean, not crying and discussing and making drama like a jelous guy or a girl would do it. A firm, strong, confident and good man but with respect for himself - that kind of way. Almost like a therapist who is talking about emotions in an objective way.
If you ask her go to a therapist with her, you might as well tell her that she is nuts or something. I dont really think that is necessary. I dont think she is unfaithfull.
These are just my thoughts about this that you wrote. I have a female friend who explained her behaviour like this. She, too, had been with the same guy since she was 16, and never been unfaithful. Then she started thinking about what she had and looking around to see what she could have had. She really was just in a kind of crisis and she was not interested in getting out of the relationship. She never was unfaithful and she is still with the guy. It is just like understanding that youth is over and wondering about life. After some time, that feeling of hers went over. It was just a part of getting older.
Even though this sounds disgusting, it is just a crisis. But you should take it seriously and make her understand how this makes you feel without threatening her or making a lot of drama.
Hope this helps a bit.
TheHangedWoman last edited by
Oh, this is a bit embarrassing that I wrote so much from my imagination here. This is supposed to be a spiritual site. By the way, this "friend" that I mentioned was just a girl who I went to high school with - not a friend.
To thehangedwoman and everyone else that posted I REALLY appreciate your thoughts and advice. I wish I could give you all something because in one way or another you have helped me. Guess all I can do is thank you and your in my prayers. And to thehangedwoman there is no need to be embarrased because your random thoughts helped a whole lot. Love goes out to you and yours. Everyone be blessed!!!