I had to let it go & I am so unbelievable & painfully sad

  • Mere words cannot express the amount of pain & sadness I'm feeling as I write this. My heart is so sad from something that I thought would be but wasn't. There's no one here I can call to cry on their shoulder so all I have are the faceless yet beautiful individuals here that I can cry to.

    This is my official grieving of this loss, I probably should've done this a long time ago but just couldn't bring myself to because that would've meant he was gone. It wasn't even mine to loose but he was so real & big that it became part of our family; to me, my husband, our son & completely & utterly all for her.

    My tears won't stop & it really HURTS!! I should be so grateful he was here & played his part in her life and ours but I'm so MAD I just want to SCREAM.

    Thanks for listening & letting me say what I needed to say without judgement.

  • Dear Kookish,

    Im so sorry i feel your pain the tears are welling up in my eyes as im typing this when it comes to our children the emotions we feel ranging from love , happiness and sadness i know exactly where you are coming from . I have 3 kids ages 11, 8, and 4 my eldest daughter i namned her after a character from a tv show call Dr quinn medicine woman do you know of it ? Well anyway its about a female doctor who goes to a country town in the early 1900s and at first she is not accepted as she is a female ,anyway yesterday it was on tv and i started balling my eyes out and i couldnt stop crying as all the memories flooded back of being pregant with her watching the show and how fast the time has gone and how she has blossomned into the most beautiful flower and i had a part in all that it still amazes me .I know how hard it must be for you the extreme pain and sadness especially the thought of your daughter carrying this all on her own the pent up anger i know that it i would be hard to let it go your heart is heavy and to tell you the truth i dont think i could ever let anything like that go so please dont be so hard on yourself none of this is your fault and you never know Kookish maybe one day their paths might cross again now i have to tell you im hearing a song by Taylor Dane playing in my head called love will lead you back i would post the lyrics but i dont want to cause you any further upset . Im sorry i have to go i hope that by the time you read this you are in better spirits I will be back on later if you ever need to talk im always here .

    Take care sending you lots of love and hugs Mags xx

  • wow, I can only imagine your hurt...what we often want most often is to be able to be of comfort to those we love in times of hurt or sorrow. Yet, although there are times in life where you'd trade places with your loved one in an instant just to spare him/her from suffering, there simply is nothing more you can do but be there. My heart and prayers go out to you and yours, whatever the situation.

    Unfortunately, loss is part of the cycle of life....its a part of the proess of change & growth.........I know you may not see/feel that way now, just trust that this pain will bring forth something new, or will further move you/your loved one into the next phase of his/her development.

    My prayers are wih you.

  • LOAP,

    I'm assuming your daughter's name is Michaela, I always thought of this name as a feminine version of Archangel Michael - No offense AA Michael. I believe there are just times with someone in a prarie skirt and a long braid will be the ones doing the fighting for others which she always did. What a strong name, I'm thinking sort of like a super-hero with a long braid for a whip! (I have a very vivid imagination). Your daughter is very lucky to have a mom who placed such a strong moniker on her, named after a pioneer, in more ways than one, who championed for others.

    Love Taylor Dayne & this song. I know the lyrics well, we obviously have the same taste & feel the same about music - it can completely change ones emotions. I love the lyrics & it would be nice to believe "One of these days, love will lead you back, to where you belong" I'm not so sure but thanks for the hopeful words. The song made me smile, it didn't make me sad at all. Interesting info; the song was on her album "Can't fight fate" which came out the year my daughter was born AND she's currently working on a greatest hits album due out late this year with a new sogn titled "Right Time". Love this - I'm all about this signs & this kind of stuff just keeps me thinking - hmmmmm. This song does describe how she just let him go, she says "if God means for it to be it will be but I can't spend my time wondering about that right now - you (me) do enought for the two of us". It's amazing when your children become the type of person you admire.

    We found everything out in late March "09 & our daughter barely finished the semester & when she got home it was such a relief. We just vegged & we watched Twilight every day for 30 days, there was no thinking involved & my husband & son would go running every night at 9:00. We still refer to this as the "summer of the vampires". To this day when I hear SuperMajic Black Hole by Muse I get goose bumps. I love the "signs" & see them EVERY WHERE! Example; the actors name for the main characters are Robert Pattison & Kristen Stewart. My daughter's name is Kristen & her friend's name is Robert - sometimes I see a little more than what's really there because we just knew it would be.

    However, the song I absolutely cannot hear is "Possibility" by Lykke Li -It's one of the best placed songs in a movie, it's in the 2nd movie New Moon where Edward (Robert) leaves her - this song brings on the tears. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SSApYvnTUQ

    There’s a possibility; There’s a possibility

    All that I had was all I gon’ get

    There’s a possibility; There’s a possibility

    All I gon get is gone with your step

    So tell me when you hear my heart stop,

    You’re the only who knows

    Tell me when you hear my silence

    There’s a possibility

    I wouldn’t know

    Mags, thank you so much for talking, I do feel much better today and so much more after reading what you wrote to me.

    Thanks for the love & hugs, I can feel them & I'm sending them back to you & your little ones.

    Love & Blessings


  • JazzyMe39,

    Someone once sent out a cute little questionnaire via e-mail & one question was; What are you most afraid of? I wrote "loss". Loss is something that's out of your control, something you didn't sell it or give it away you lost it but you still wanted it.

    The situation is so good now, with lots of therapy, tears & hard work my daughter has so moved on from the "incident" & now she just goes about her day doing her thing & she's kicking B_U_T_T while doing I might ad.

    I don't know why I got so sad yesterday when I found the photos of a scrapbook she made for his mother. Maybe it was the planets or maybe it was time for me to formally grieve for this.

    Thanks so much for the kind words & prayers.

    Love & blessings


  • Hi Tracie,

    Im so happy to hear that you are feeling better yes my daughters name is Micaela i dropped the h for fear people would think that she was Michael A and that is what happens in the very first episode the towns folk are expecting a male doctor to show up and are very shocked when they realise its a female . I never really got into the twilight saga but i know who it is you are talking about wow that is amazing about their names being the same and Taylor Dane i believe as well in these things , Im so glad to hear that your daughter is moving on from this i still have the high school years ahead of me and im worried sick about it now with all the bullying going on out there Micaela can hold her own she sticks up for herself now against her brothers but i know its a whole different ball game once she goes there im so dreading it .

    Dont Fret over being sad it was good that you released all the pent up energy and emotions you have over this situation sometimes a good cry does us the world of good . I hope that you are having a wonderful day wherever you are in the world .

    Take care lots of love and hugs Mags xx

  • Mags,

    I love how you changed her name so she wouldn't be any confusion - very clever. I'm sure she'll do fine in HS if she goes in there know who she is & is strong in her beliefs; however, I understand your concerns - it's part of being a mom.

    The Twilight thing is very trite story but the books came out when my daughter was in high school & I loved it because Edward wouldn't sleep with Bella until they were married. Hard to find a non-sex infused stuff aimed at teens. The movies have been fun & she comes home & we go to the midnight showing. These are great memories for us.

    You always refer to songs & I LOVE that. Songs are so emotional & some of them really speak to you. My daughter LOVES Flyleaf, it's a Christian Rock band, all girls & she used their songs in her time of need. When she was little she LOVED The Little Mermaid movie, I know all the words & we had the soundtrack & when I would go through the car wash we'd put on the song "Under The Sea" & sing in while the cars was being washed - we still do this & she's 22 years old. My son thought it was stupid - BOYS!

    My daughter keeps my Ipod loaded & I have all genres; Classical, Disney, Sinatra styled, Motown, Heavy Metal (Metallica is my favorite) & lots of country. Yesterday I used a trick of yours and put my I pod on shuffle then I closed my eyes & asked my angels to please send me a message with the next song. I was laughing out loud when the song started: HAKUNA MATATA from the Lion King! Absolutely hilarious & perfect. I was singing it all day - thank you for this gift.

    I think I'm still a little dehydrated from all the tears but you know the tears weren't just for Robert being "gone" it was because he knew what happened to her & one day when she gets involved with someone she'll have to explain to that person. She didn't have to tell Rob - he "saw" this pain in her & she told him because she knew she could - he was the only one that knew for an entire year. They never dated, he asked & she wanted to but couldn't at the time. I'm grateful he was a saving grace for her I just wish he would've stayed.

    Thank you so much for helping me the other day, it was very helpful to be able to say what I needed to say without feeling stupid & without judgement & you answered with kindness.

    Shuffle song of the day via my angels: "I feel good" by James Brown - HAHAHA - can you believe it. Maybe this was a little message to you as well, just to let you know how much better I feel after being able to share. XOXOXOXO

    Love & Blessings to you & your family.


  • @Kookish

    I Hope you heal soon .. sends healing rainbow vibes to you hugs

  • NeptunianDreams,

    Thank you for the healing vibes & hugs. Just being able to vent was helpful then to get such good energy back from ya'll has been great.

    Hugs back to a sweet Pisces.

    Love & Blessings

  • Hi Tracie ,

    I hope that all is well , with the ipod on shuffle my ipod classic which is broken at the moment had about 1300 songs on it and everyday Michael Jacksons you are not alone would play on it and a few years before this my Nanna was in hospital having an operation and my mum and i were in the waiting room and my mum said that she had a tune in her head that was driving her mad so she hummned it to me and i immediately recongnised that it was MJs you are not alone , my Mum who loves MJs old stuff hadnt heard of this one well when i played it to her she couldnt beilieve it we know it was my Dad and the angels letting us know that they were with us .and my Nannas operation was a complete success. My daughter loved the little mermaid as well i think we still have the soundtrack somewhere in the house . I thought of you yesterday i seen a car with twilght on its number plate and thats how the angels communicate to me . i want to thankyou also for the nice conversations we are having i feel the angels want us to chat more reguilary by showin me the numberplate .The hakuna matata that is so funny what a wonderful sign. .I love the carwash story Have you seen Lion King 2 ? I got that movie on the same weekend that my dad died and the song he lives in you he lives in me i ball my eyes out everytime i hear it .Thankyou so much once again for talking with me ,i joined this site as im really into learning the tarot cards but sadly people arnt interested but i have made alot of beautiful friends here as also felt pulled to this site by my angels as well.

    Take care love and blessings 2u and your family as well

    Lotsof love Mags xx

  • Wow, you do get lots of messages through songs! I'm sorry to hear about your dad and I did see LK2 & I kow which song you're talking about, it's a very touching song. I'm glad your Nana's surgery was a success, I'm sure it was with hep from your dad. It's nice to know he's always around.

    I've enjoyed talking to you as well, it really helped me and it continues! I guess the grieving was necessary because my daughter was in town this weekend & took her brother to church with her, Robert happened to be in town as well and he didn't talk to either of them. It was the absolute strangest thing! I WAS LIVID, I'm a mom you don't ignore my children!

    My daughter was so calm and I asked her why she didn't say anything to him she said "I know there's lots of turmoil with his job right now & things are not going well at all so I don't push", she said the nicest thing she could do for him was to just go about her business & chat with everyone else & not give him grief. They both said he looked very tired. I don't care if he's tired you don't ignore someone you called a friend and I just can't understand why he didn't talk to them, I am completely dissapointed in his behavior. My daughter is the mature one and said "he wouldn't talked to us if he could have".

    Who know what the heck is going on, I am NOT psychic just grumpy at my children being ignored!

    Thanks again for all the chat and read your thread about how angels talk to us, you were thinking of me because of the liscense plate & I was thinking of you at a ball game!

    Have a great week & I'm sure we'll chat again! See Ya!

  • Hi Kookish,

    Thankyou for your kind words im sorry to hear that he ignored you rdaughter thats no good its a shame she wont break the ice either but then if it happend to me i would be really hurt and not make an effort to talk to him and i know how hurtful it must feel for you as well . I do feel there is a connection with us as now you are hearing Bon Jovi . I hope that you are having a great week as well hope to chat with you again soon

    Take care love and light Mags:)

  • I'm now loading lots of Bon Jovi on my IPod so you'll be in my Angel Shuffle - haha!

    Yeah I'm dissapointed he didn't speak to them but I'm more impressed with my daughter for giving him his space. She knows there are a few things not going well for him right now for him and she's not the type to push. She said there's a reason he avoided us so I just left him alone. I think she didn't want to get ignored directly but it makes NO sense to me! My husband is having lunch with his dad on Wednesday, they do this about every 6 - 8 weeks & they enjoy a good political & religious discussion. They usually just talk about their children in general but nothing specific.

    Mags, I dont' think Robert is an A**HOLE but maybe I was wrong - oh well.

    Hope you're having a good week as well.

    Love & Blessings!


  • Kookish, you have made this guy into some sort of romantic perfect ideal of a man, which he never was. He is just being who he is and should not be incurring your wrath or disappointment just because he didn't turn out to be like a fictional hero. What you are feeling sad about and mourning is another crushed illusion, not the loss of the young man himself.

    I feel that all this might be due to the fact that you need something in your life to be romantic and super-wonderful - even if it comes through someone else like your daughter.

  • So instead of living vicariously through others, maybe you could focus on putting a little magic and wonder into your own life?

  • Captain,

    I know he wasn't Mr. Perfect but as my daughter put it "he was perfect enough me". When your child tells you this young man "saved her" by just knowing what happened & encouraged her to tell us & seek counseling plus took her to church where she still attends 2 years later you sort of think he's a little special.

    I can't say I lived vicariously through her yet the ideal of him was much bigger than he should have and yes I had a lot to do with it; however, my daughter planned her entire wedding after meeting him & everything came out so I did have a reason to think there would be more in the future for them.

    I initially wrote this on May 18th & I have no idea why I was so sad. Then 3 days later is when he didn't speak to them at church & I went from very sad to very angry & you're right he doesn't need to incur my wrath or anger yet at the time it was absolutely stunning he ignored them at church. My son saw him at the school a few days later & walked up to him & said hello & Rob smiled, stuck out his hand & said hello & said it was good seeing him. I'm proud of my son for having the guts to say something to him after he was ignored & I'm glad Rob spoke to him.

    I've always thought he & my daughter weren't done & it has just been bad timing for them but I know it's not mine to ask. I just need to be grateful I have a daughter with a good head on her shoulders that dealt with something very painful & she had a good friend when she needed him.

    Now I need to go & work on a little majic with my hubby - wink, wink! 😉 Great advice!

  • I'm afraid Rob feels angry at your daughter for 'dumping' him as he sees it. His male ego is very bruised. He is too immature for your much stronger and wiser daughter and their relationship was heading towards the mother-son type, more than one of equals.

  • Captain,

    OMG we've thought the exact same thing; even though he really knew why she couldn't date him at the time his EGO felt she brushed him off. It's nice to get confirmation on this. Kris, my daughter, says "no matter how nice he can be he's still a guy & they have egos".

    He was at church again this weekend & walked up to my daughter, gave her a hug & they visited for about 5 minutes - general stuff, how's life & school. He acted as if he did't ignore them a few weeks ago. My daughter feels that her brother broke the ice last week by talking to him at school & this gave him the ok to talk to her as if nothing happened. How sad the 16 years was the mature one. I asked her if she called him on not speaking to them & she said no reason, he was nice today & he felt comfortable talking so no reason to give him grief". I wish I were as mature as her but I'm working on it. Rob doesn't live in the area so he's not there very often & it's just unusual he's here right now - it has to do with his job so it's not like she's waiting around for him to be there.

    His dad is the pastor, he & Kris get along very well & after services he chatted with her for about 45 minutes before she had to leave. His mom is a wonderfully kind person & always tells Kris how nice it is when she's able to attend. Kris always bakes Pastor his favorite cookies & he's always extremely nice to her. This is a very small country church & my daughter really likes it there. Pastor & my husband have gotten to be acquainted & they go to lunch about every 6 weeks, they talk politics & religion & eat bar-b-que. They talk about their children in general terms but nothing specific. One thing Pastor did say is "me & my wife have always felt it would be blessing if those two got together". I'm never quite sure if he was just being extremely nice or if he means this - it's quite a bold statement. My husband said he's just like me & have no problems saying what's on their mind.

    I told my daughter what you had to say about this & she laughed pretty hard & said "who knows what the future holds, maybe one day he'll grow up. It'd be nice if that opportunity came around again but I'm not sitting around waiting for him to become an adult." Then she added "just like I'm not sitting around waiting for you to mature a little." God Bless her!

    Thanks again, Tracie

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