Captain, can you help me?



  • my birth date is 6/8/62

    his birth date is 1/16/67

    We met at work where we started the same day. We were seated next to each other in training and we just hit it off, having the most fun conversations. We could not stay away from each other. I found out some facts about his life that made me think that getting closer to him would not work for us; I had to retreat from him and think about whether I could handle them or not. I think with some understanding on both our parts a relationship could be possible. This of course confused him and possibly put him off. One thing I did make clear was that any budding relationship could not be displayed at work. I don't know what that has caused, as whatever this connection is has never gone outside the office. He made it clear that he wanted to be the pursuer but really isn't pursuing. When I do get to talk to him, I think the attraction is still there on both our parts. Do you think what we're experiencing is headed anywhere?

    I appreciate anything you can tell me to help me understand.

    Thank you!



  • This is a good combination for work but bad for love. The two of you do make an attractive pair but your relationship focuses on perfection, a concept that for you involves the idea of achievement - it is not an aesthetic ideal to be contemplated, but a technical exactitude to measure up to, a moral integrity to live by. Your friend plays to win and has the steadfastness to do so. This attracts you, as you are also out to win but you have less confidence in your ability and staying power. Still, you usually accomplish your aims in your own way and this affinity to the road less travelled appeals to your friend, who adheres more strictly to society's standards than you do.

    Few however could live up to the standards you two set yourselves. Together you tend to view the world as terribly flawed, and to keep yourselves impossibly aloof. Woe to the partner who fails to live up to the relationship's high standards! He or she will be unhealthily self-punitive, suffering terribly even when the other partner casts no judgments at all. Usually it is your friend who plays the dominant role here and is better equipped to deal with the relationship's pressures - pressures that may make you nervous and upset. It would make sense for the two of you to soften your perfectionist stance or to direct it to areas where productivity matters.

    In love, for example, this orientation can prove harmful. A relationship that virtually hands out a checklist for appearance, sexual performance, and emotional control will make you both feel as if you were taking an exam. This can drive all spontaneity out of a love affair. In love, the fewer rules, the better. In marriage and at work on the other hand, high standards in domestic and professional tasks can be quite productive. But it will be very difficult to get to the point of marrying.

    Perfectionism rarely features in a friendship here and any attempt to achieve it would be counterproductive. One person demanding perfection can be bad enough but two would be intolerable. The two of you should drop firm expectations and investigate your relationship's real depth and potential. In doing so, you may also discover yourselves as individuals.



  • Thank you, Captain. It took me a while to digest and accept this. Do you see me having a love match anytime soon?



  • That depends if you resolve any issues that are stopping you from finding a compatible partner. The Universe wants to give us everything we want - it's just ourselves with our fears and issues that prevent us from having it.

    Your profile says that you tend to intellectualize everything and have problems with communicating your feelings in relationships. You fear being thought silly or stupid or, even worse, crazy if you put your feelings into words. But withholding your feelings of anger or inferiority or rejection only hinders, not helps, people getting closer to you. Try releasing your need for approval and caring less about what other people think of you, and tone down any defensiveness when people misunderstand you. Your emotional inner life can be rather disorganized and chaotic and you may struggle with indecision and a lack of commitment and responsibility. But it is through long term relationships that you learn how to resolve problems and conflicts day by day rather than running from them. It is through deepening relationships that you will grow. Sticking with a relationship even when it gets tough will show how much progress you have made on your life journey. Ask yourself if deep down you are really choosing partners whom you know won't be right for you so that you are not stuck with the same person forever and can travel about, free of responsibility, in order to know true freedom?



  • hello captain,

    i've found another potential for disaster of a man. he is much younger than i and we became intimate too soon. i'm sure that there is no future in this. my question is . . . is he trustworthy?



  • in case it makes a difference. . . me 6/8/62, him 12/18 . . . i dont know what year.



  • Lola, your instincts are right - this relationship is not promising for love, or even for friendship. You are very different people, complete opposites, in fact. It may be extremely difficult for the two of you to agree over anything, even simple issues. Disputes over intentions that are stated or written will be common. You will try to hold your partner to the minute details of any previous agreement while he will argue from a broad sense of the overall picture. A love affair here will hinge on giving one's word and keeping it, often in matters of emotional trust. Promises made and broken may be the big sticking point - especially if the partner accused of breaking their word or sending mixed messages is your partner, who will usually be the more dominant person here. You can be terribly wounded when a fact you have assumed to be true about him is suddenly called into question or revealed as an illusion. This relationship can be very vague, uncommitted, and hard to pin down as a consequence.



  • i think i can handle lack of love and emotional bonding. i would be surprised if this was monogamous on his part. I am asking more about if there is danger in my involvement with him.



  • There is certainly the danger of disappointment and betrayal.



  • is the betrayal likely to be in a legal issue, or betrayal of personal confidences i've trusted him with?



  • Emotional betrayal. He may move on while you are still attached to him.



  • Hello Captain!

    its been awhile since I've stopped by this thread. I hope you are well.

    this time around, I want to ask about 3 men who seem to be sort of on the periphery of my life. Do any of them promise to be a long term committed relationship? would any of them be harmful to have in my life? are they dress rehearsals for someone great who I hopefully don't have to wait much longer for?

    I've asked you about Luis before...he's the last subject of entries above. we talk and get together occasionally. very occasionally. during our last talk, things seemed to be going very well...until I had to reschedule a date. he hasn't returned any of my messages or made an effort to contact me. what is his deal? are we done for good this time?

    next is nelson. I don't know his b-day, just that he is a sagittarius and much closer to my age. we met at work. at the beginning of our encounters at work, he was very interested in my performance at work. as time went on, the interest seems to be romantic. he asks me out to dinner, but a date is never set. he is out of the office a great deal because of his work so we are having less and less opportunity for 'accidental' meeting and conversation. is this going to go anywhere? ever?

    last, is David. dob 4-15-80. we met on a dating site. our chats have been online and by phone. in spite of the fact that we havent known each other for very long our talks have been pretty frank about relationship expectations. I think he may be the one delaying actually meeting. I've been reluctant as well because I've seen photos ...and he is extremely handsome. are we at a stalemate?

    I appreciate your view of these matters.

    thank you , Lola



  • Well, I did warn you with Luis that any broken promises or mixed messages would spell the end of the affair.

    No, I don't feel the connection with the Sagittarian Nelson is very serious, more the fleeting attraction of opposites with very little in common.

    You and David: there is a lot of magnetic charm and seductive attraction here, with each person highly vulnerable to the other's sex appeal. But although physical attraction is a given here, emotional involvement is more of a struggle since both of you like to keep your feelings under control and to appear cool and composed. Even so, the relationship can bring you both to depths of involvement that neither of you may have reached before. If so, you may find it difficult or impossible to detach.

    You seem to be searching for more of a mental or physical connection with a romantic partner, Lola. But if you are not willing to express your emotions with a partner or to give him your heart, since like attracts like, all you will attract are the same type of person as yourself, someone uncommitted who doesn't want to get too emotionally involved.



  • Thank you, Captain.

    Others sugar coat what is going on with Luis as him having been badly hurt and withdrawing to prevent being hurt again. If he is never coming back...I really just want to know. He will not even tell me that much himself.

    I know some details of Nelson's life that make it just as well that there will be no romantic involvement. Will he be able to help me professionally?

    I find your comments about David the most surprising. If what you say about David can play out, can he be monogamous? He strikes me as someone who could not, and I would tire of that.

    As far as your assessment of what I seem to be looking for in a man, I find mental compatibility very important. Physical compatibility is important too. if I were to find these factor, it seems to me that perhaps love could follow. maybe I'm wrong.

    Lola



  • You ask if David could be monogamous - but could you? Yu are still hoping for Luis to have a change of heart while you look to other men. You seem to be rather dangerously attracted by physical looks and attraction, with no deep emotional content. That is not something that satisfies for long. Men may be physically and mentally attracted to you but if there is no emotional love between you, no affair will last. Are you afraid of emotion?



  • Yes, Captain, I am capable of monogamy. I was married for 20 years to a verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abusive man with a raging substance abuse problem. It didn't appear all bad in the beginning. I participated in the substance abuse too for some time. I quit all that 10 years ago. I left the marriage 9 years ago a shattered shell of what I was when younger. I have regained some of what my former self was, but not all. I did not have contact with men at all for 7 years because I was so afraid of being hurt again. Being alone like that is very difficult so, yes, I have had some purposefully ill-fated relationships. That was very unfulfilling and I withdrew again.

    My first foray into a decent relationship was with Frank, my first post on this thread. Ultimately, I am happy that nothing became of it. Luis came into my life later that year. I don't think it is so much him that I want in my life as it is the timing of his entry into my life that was so meaningful to me. Since I left my husband, he has had several devastating illnesses. I have helped him in various ways recover from them. I have mostly helped out of perceived obligation...that if he died and my children were not involved in his life, it would somehow be my fault. Last summer



  • Yes, Captain, I am capable of monogamy. I was married for 20 years to a verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abusive man with a raging substance abuse problem. It didn't appear all bad in the beginning. I participated in the substance abuse too for some time. I quit all that 10 years ago. I left the marriage 9 years ago a shattered shell of what I was when younger. I have regained some of what my former self was, but not all. I did not have contact with men at all for 7 years because I was so afraid of being hurt again. Being alone like that is very difficult so, yes, I have had some purposefully ill-fated relationships. That was very unfulfilling and I withdrew again.

    My first foray into a decent relationship was with Frank, my first post on this thread. Ultimately, I am happy that nothing became of it. Luis came into my life later that year. I don't think it is so much him that I want in my life as it is the timing of his entry into my life that was so meaningful to me. Since I left my husband, he has had several devastating illnesses. I have helped him in various ways recover from them. I have mostly helped out of perceived obligation...that if he died and my children were not involved in his life, it would somehow be my fault. Last summer was no different...I was going to stay there to help partially for my children and I wasnt looking forward to it at all. That evening I went to get something to eat for the family...at the restaurant where Luis worked. He was very persistent in getting my phone number. I didn't really want to give it because of my current situation, but I did, not believing he would call. And call he did. All the noncommittal, mixed message behavior is not all on him. During the very early days I was very guilty of that myself. I couldn't believe someone so young and good looking would want middle aged, overweight me. We have kept in touch, but its been so difficult ending in the scenario I've just written you about. he has not made an effort to answer my messages in some time. to the point that I told him that I didn't like it when he didn't answer me, that I would appreciate being told straight out that he didn't wish to be associated with me any longer, and thanked him for being involved with me for the time he was. He of course, didn't answer me. as far as Luis goes, I suppose I'm looking for some genuine closure...anyway I can get it.

    I was not expecting what you said about David, so of course I want to know more.I communicated to you my impression of him, and how I would react if my impression were true.

    I also still believe in my previous comments...there has to be some sort of attraction to bring people together for love to take root in.

    Lola



  • Lola, there is always a reason why we attract incompatible people into our lives. They come to teach us a lesson about ourselves. People are our mirrors. Look at the people who have come into your life so far and see what they are trying to tell you by the sort of people they are and it will tell you how you feel about yourself. There seems to be a common theme here that you felt wary or turned off by the people you later got involved with at the beginning of the relationship - listen to those gut feelings in future as your intuition is your greatest guide. The only relationship you need to work on at the moment is the one with yourself. When you have put that right, you will then attract exactly the right person for you.

    Luis came to make you see that you are a beautiful desirable person, even if you don't see yourself that way. Something in you makes you feel unworthy, unlovable so your unworthy vibes attract those who will let you down and who do not love you in a permanent committed way. You say you are looking for long term commitment but you attract men who will not commit. That is because inside you still have a fear of committing yourself to the wrong man as you did with your marriage. You attract people who do not give emotionally what you need because you fear emotions.

    You need to confront your fears of relationship and the way you see yourself - and work through them if you ever want to be happy with someone special. You need to heal before you can find a healthy relationship. Don't let loneliness drive you into the arms of unsuitable partners.



  • Thank you, Captain.

    I have difficulty accepting how you present information to me, but I know that you're right and trying to help me.

    Lola



  • Hi, Captain,

    I suppose last week was a fated week. I was tired of how Luis treats me. I wanted closure. it was difficult to get him to spend the time to say once and for all that hd doesn't want to see me anymore. I thought it would feel better than it has.

    Nelson left the company without saying goodbye. It was more upsetting than I imagined it could be.

    I had a nice text conversation with David early in the week. I called later in the week and he didn't pick up. When that has happened before, he will call back at his earliest convenience. Its been a week now and I'm thinking he won't. I've just been hanging out with friends & family.

    Should I write off David too?

    Thank you

    Lola